Saw dh phone

@rufiooooo The lack of communication is directly connected to the lack of physical sex.

Good sex = good communication / intimacy.

That isn't to say this situation is easily solved, but if you want to save the marriage I'd say the starting point is a lot of good and honest communication. A lot, and quite possibly he'll resist that.

Or it just makes it easier to find out they're cheating? Who wants to live in ignorance?

Mobile phones have not made us happier, have they? Everyday on MN someone seems to discover from the phone that their partner is doing something illicit. Gone are the days when we lived in blissful ignorance.

I'd say that was bollocks! That's putting OP down as being sexually undesirable, which is basically making her into the "problem" here. When it's clearly her DH who has the sexual issues going on.

Why, as women who are actively open to sex with partners, should we be considered as "not enough"? If we're not particularly floating that males "sexual boat"?...

If OPs partner had said from the off 'I need a foot wank to get me off' (or whatever). Then that's workable, it's a choice, an active decision you can make. You're either into giving foot wanks, or not too fussed, or you're "omg, I hate feet. It's not for me!". And all of those situations are absolutely fine!. They're choice based, they're setting your stall out. They are you saying your sexual boundaries to a partner, who will then state theirs, and their own limits/boundaries/wants/needs.

All great! But if I married someone, and 3yrs later he told me "I can't get hard unless I shit on your face"... Then I would divorce him. Because I wouldn't do that, and I'm bloody sure I'd have expected it to have been mentioned before!

OP, it's clear that he's got the libido. But not for you. I do not see that your marriage has a future.

This 👆☝️👆☝️

Tavistock affiliated is a good start

relate

I think therapy would be a good idea, it would also give you the opportunity to tell him how all this makes you feel, because he may not have considered how hurtful this is to you. I think it all needs to be out in the open, down to the last penny spent- otherwise your relationship may not survive.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere fair point. But, there are men that surprise me less when it comes to this shit. You hear it all the time on here, women might say “He’s a great man and fab dad” then a bit further on you hear that he doesn’t let her access money equally and she has to have the house clean and his dinner ready or he’ll go mad and he’s never looked after his own kid without throwing a tantrum.
What I mean when discussing my husband is, he’s a genuinely good guy and he puts me and our children first always and has for over 25 years. He would surprise me totally if he would ever watch OF. He is very aware of being a man that respects women. Crosses the road if it’s just him and a woman walking late at night sort of thing so he doesn’t appear threatening. I have showed him this thread and he says it’s just not for him. I do believe him. Never had reason not to. But I totally get what you’re saying. A lot of women say the same on here. But all I would say is, they don’t tend to stand up to scrutiny in a lot of occasions.

It’s not OP that has the problem, it’s DH who doesn’t want sex, read the post

He says he thinks it's rank, doesn't mean he wouldn't watch it.

Not saying he would either, just that we don't always know people as well as we think.

Most women don't get married and have kids with somone they think will watch OF, shag the secretary, the nanny or walk out on their young kids, yet men do.

So many threads where women have been cheated on by "the best husband, the most polite man, the shy guy, the hands on dad, he wouldn't hurt a fly etc.

Hi OP, I’m sorry to hear this news and it must be so hurtful. However, I think the reactions of so many people on MN are totally disproportionate - “leave him now.” “I’d be packing his bags” etc. I always think give people the benefit of the doubt: especially those we love or share a life with. I agree with those who suggest restraint and driving conversation to understand what he finds in OF and why he’s gone there to find it instead of with you. Talk to him, he may not understand the level of hurt. Good luck and I hope it works out.

I suspect this with mine too.

It’s possible that his ED issues may be linked to his porn habit. My ex found it difficult to maintain an erection during intercourse and I eventually discovered that he was regularly using at least 6 different sex chat sites. Seems that normal vaginal intercourse was no match for his death grip during masterbation 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was the final nail in the coffin for our relationship. The trust was gone and the relationship wasn’t great anyway…massive imbalance of house chores and childcare, with me doing pretty much everything. I had been waiting for a change that was never going to happen. He moved on with a new girlfriend a month after I left. No idea if he still does the sex chat thing but at least it’s not my problem any more.

It sounds like your situation is a bit different, as you say your relationship is a happy one. If you’re wanting to work through this, and think it’s something you can move past, then he definitely needs to be willing to try therapy (either alone, or as a couple)

I hardly ever comment on here, but I read you post and wanted to let you know that I have been in exactly the same situation with my husband 3 years ago. He always blamed the lack of confidence in the bedroom/ low libido/ too much stress for his erectile disfunction.
One day I caught him masturbating to his phone, turned out he had a porn addiction. He had only fans, but it was the over use of porn over more than 20 years that gave him erectile dysfunction. Incapable of having real life sex with his wife but more than happy to privately masturbate to woman online.
If I was you, I would be investigating this further. I was in a marriage with awful/ nonexistent sex for 8 years. I pointed out that he had a dysfunctional porn addiction and left him. Luckily, he went and had CBM therapy for sex addiction and since he gave up masturbating, his erectile dysfunction disappeared overnight. My husband was 40 year old.

My ex was a similar lying shit , said he just wasn’t interested in sex anymore etc
I wanted to have an open relationship so my needs could be met he shut that plan down
turned out he’d been having sex with multiple
Women for years , via various websites etc
also discovered he’d been using Viagra
weekly ,
I am active and have been for years a woman who has a lot of male attention, I had always been faithful loyal and never strayed.
my ex is about to marry new woman, and have discovered he’s shagging two others on the side .
nuts so many narcissistic men out there not something I’d ever put up with again

Been in a similar situation, caught dh using a chat room at 3 in the morning, he literally had a sex worker on a video call and hands down his pants. Our sex life had been shit for years, both of us at fault and guilty of not making effort. He admitted to accessing porn most days and being addicted.
i went crazy, he found himself an saa meeting and attended that night, he then went to the gp and was in with them for about an hour as he was in such a state, they put him on the list for therapy. We then looked into couples counselling and found a therapist that we see together.
This was all around a year ago, things are better but trust is still difficult. The therapist makes you realise the issues aren’t just about sex but about how our communication had got so bad, how we’d lost each other throughout the years of raising kids (we had no help either)
Its worth mentioning my dh had stuff happen in his childhood which massively affected him sexually, this is what the gp referred him to a therapist for and his sessions are intense but helping him (and us) massively.
The past year has been emotional, hard and I’ve never cried so much but it’s not as easy as just “telling him to leave”
I wish you well whatever you decide to do moving forward.

Here we go again. A man has ‘problems’ in that department but people scramble to find legitimate reasons and be empathetic yet OP has put her own needs aside, sacrificed years of her own pleasure and enjoyment to honor her relationship. She hasn’t bought a subscription to Only Knobs or had an affair to satisfy her needs elsewhere. There’s always excuses or reasons that need to be explored or understood when these men get found out.

OP, he could have chosen to rescue your relationship over what he chose to do. Don’t buy excuses. There are none. If you want to save your relationship that’s fine but do it with your eyes open and demand he explain why he chose to behave like child instead of a grown man.

I see. I haven't read all the posts. I wonder if he feels shame around the fetish then? It's unfortunate that he hasn't been able to discuss it with her. It might be something that she is happy to engage in, but I guess they'll never know. Maybe a sex therapist would be an option for them.

If it weren't for the fact we had kids, a massive mortgage, dogs, no family support and other than this (massive) issue we get on well....I would be thinking of ending it now. But it isn't that simple.

^

This is the crux of the matter though

Its just not that simple

The thing is a fetish is never just a fetish, it’s like there three people in the relationship, in this case the DH, the OP and the fetish. If it’s a true fetish then the DH will need whatever it is to get aroused and he’s chosen it over the OP. It’s so damaging to her self esteem, never mind her own needs remaining unmet.

In my book this is cheating. He tells you he doesn't want to have sex because "he's not feeling it" and that's a big fat lie, he's just found some women on screen were he's ereleasing his sexual needs with. His sex life doesn't involve you
anymore (except that one time a month were he throws you a crumb so you don't break up with him). He's keept all this in secret because he knows you would be mad at him. Now he's busted. This for me is cheating.

Ahh yeah maybe just a fetish. I hear Lily Allen is doing v nicely just selling pics of her feet 😂

Not necessarily. The OP says it's fetish-related, so it might simply be more specialist/unusual. Not necessarily 'more hard-core'.