My son is scruffy and i don't care

My son kept coming home with permanent marker on his uniform, some accidental some intentional. I’ve explained to him why this is not okay and said I don’t want to see any more of it. The odd bit still appears but it has slowed down a lot.

He’s in reception! Parent your child!

Can't see any reason why you wouldn't let DH try and repair the damaged clothes - so what it if looks worse (you don't care about appearances remember), it will last longer than it will with a small hole that catches or gets fiddled with until it is a big hole.

I'm actually with your husband up to a point. Unless someone comes up and feels a stain they can't tell if it is old but cleaned or fresh/unwashed. Children looking dirty and unkempt is a key sign of neglect. My DP gets so vexed when the kids come home with dirty clothes after one day at school because he does the laundry, and would prefer they use a jumper again even if it is a bit dirty - I won't have that as I won't have people thinking they're not cared for. And if something has a few ink spots, all well and good; but big obvious stains it's going in the fabric recycle bins, because again you can't tell without investigating closely if it's a clean stain or a dirty mark.

I don't much care about appearances as far as it goes with me; but how my kids turn out is indicative of my care for them. So they have to look like someone cares if they have holes in their clothes or are dirty.

Not least because neglected children are a magnet for abusers as they think no-one will notice or care.

Your teaching your son it’s ok to not take care of his property. It may take longer for him to understand the need to take care of things but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.

he needs to start being supported to take responsibility.

you are letting him be disrespectful. Good money has been spent on things he is being allowed to ruin.

You don't think that ink stains and rips won't be judged by his peers and others? It won't be you the kids are judging ( altho other paren't may).
Mud and untidiness yes, esp at end of school day. Everything else, no.

Kids get mucky, but clothing washes, there needs to be consequences for deliberately damaging his uniform. What else does he damage 'impulsively', he needs support to control these impulses. I work in criminal justice and over the years a kid if the offenders I worked with score highly in terms of impulsivity, he needs tools to manage himself, where is he getting that kind of support? Also why is he wearing fabric shoes to school? Leather or the vegan alternative is much easier to wipe clean. Something he can do when he gets in.

Adhd means you have to be stricter on certain things not more lax! I guess it’s a matter of you picking your battles but I never let my asd/adhd son go around like that and when he’s lost his stuff (obviously used to happen a lot) I’d replace it from the school jumble sale. Or I’d make him buy a new one from his own money. He soon learnt.

Cutting your stuff cos you’re bored makes me chuckle because that’s exactly what my son was like too, but nonetheless it still got exchanged.

I wouldn’t be happy with him purposely damaging clothes in year 7. I’d get him to clean his own shoes every night (stains are fine if they need to go through the wash on the weekend) but he needs to get the mud off. I would tell him once his clothes reach a certain point of scruffiness he has to replace them with his pocket money.

Ive given up on my reception aged child’s uniform as it keeps coming home covered in paint. It’s always cleaned but is stained. I would not expect this from a year 7 though.

Try caring more.

Muddy shoes and clothes are not important - boys often get muddy. But he can clean his shoes himself.
Drawing on his hands and arms is very irritating and looks ridiculous. Tell him to doodle on scrap paper instead.
Deliberately cutting his clothes is totally out of the norm and completely unacceptable, ND / ADHD or not. If he needs counselling or help with MH, get it for him. If not, I'd tell him if he does it again I’ll use his pocket money, sell his possessions e.g. X-box, to buy new ones.

Your bar is literally so low for him. Yes he has to shower now, yes he also needs to do homework daily, yes he has to make his bed" like its already too much for him? He's 11 and in secondary school!

I'd be pissed off too and your DH is fully right IMO because taking care of yourself and your appearance is important in life, especially for places like school - which is a the closest thing to a formal situation for kids. Get him to clean his bloody shoes, I would 100% not be touching them. Tell him to stop drawing on his clothes and ripping them on purpose!? Because he's bored? Sorry, is he a puppy? Would he do that to his weekend clothes!?

My DS has been cleaning his shoes since year 3, because he would intentionally come running out of school and despite warnings, would run all over the mud pit bank with his mate. So the natural consequence is cleaning up after himself.

If your DS is 11 and he cant take a cloth and spray and give his shoes a once over, because he's already so overwhelmed by making his bed, showering and doing some homework then I really don't know...

It might be adhd but he should still learn to sew...important life skill right there!

Well I would be telling him off for cutting his clothes and handing him the sewing box so ds can mend his own clothes. Then he will not grow up like your dh and expect woman to do it.
Id be pissed if dd cut up her uniform.

I tend to think like your husband but I also tend to be someone who cares about appearances, for better or worse.

Deli erase = deliberate.

Wtaf autocorrect.

Let your husband mend the clothes. It is important to him.

But you (both) need to tackle the deli erase (or mindless) destructiveness, the writing on his arms, etc.

What is going on inside your child's head?

My youngest (13) is a scruff, always comes home from school like a scruff, needs new trainers every two months and his white shirts are awful, full of ink around the cuffs that no amount of washing gets out. I've learnt to live with it, he'll grow out of the drawing on his hands eventually 🙄 he's a bright kid but I do suspect adhd and suspect he gets bored in lessons. He's clean, showers every night and walks around in a cloud of Lynx just looks a scruff 🙄😂

if he i so keen on cutting holes in his clothes, teach him how to sew and darn.
or find a local repair shop and he pays for repairs to clothes from his pocket money.

He can have adhd and learn not to wreck his clothes.

Kids go through fads in school. Skater or whatever. Maybe he’s trying to emulate someone he looks up to who has torn clothes. Who knows how an 11 year old thinks. Kids are pretty complicated bc they’re all different.

Why should the DH sew clothes that your DS has damaged? At 11 your DS can mend them himself.

I think your 'don't care' attitude to his willful damage of property, especially items you have bought for him is very poor parenting.

I’m sure he’s all well and good.

I made my son shower everyday but his friends came in the house and they didn’t smell so good.