Sick of having to ask DH for money

He made you throw most of your clothes away, and now £150 is too much to replace them?

On what planet? I'd have a hard time finding a jumper, jeans and shoes that cost less than 150 quid.

Simple solution - He replaces your stuff, or you go back to work and he covers childcare.

Errrrrr…. What??? If you agree for one parent to stay at home to look after their own children they are not considered an adult? That is some fucked up thinking right there. We all have to put our kids into childcare to be considered adults??? That will come as a shock to 99.999999% of humans who have ever existed who have had children and taken care of them themselves. I say that as someone whose kids are in nursery btw, I’ve got no beef with childcare.

you have to divorce. This does not seem is going anywhere loving and sensible

Joint account - money belongs to both of you and trust each other to spend wisely. If he doesn't want that then he is not into marriage as a partnership and he is not a keeper.

This. Anything else is bonkers. You are not free labour, you are an equal partner in your marriage. You jointly decided that he was the one bringing the money in. But he doesn't own the money, you both do. Anything else is financial abuse. Make sure you don't just go and get a job to get money, or you'll be doing that and all the SAHP stuff too.

You have every right to revisit the agreement and seek financially rewarded work while he does childcare. This needs a discussion.

But I'm concerned you say it's only recently changed whereby you have to ask for money - why? Is the business perhaps doing badly? Is something being hidden from you?

We have never been an everything is family money family. We have never had a joint account. However when I became a SAHM in 1996 we agreed that I would lay out our expenses on a monthly basis, keep a record and the receipts and DH would write me a cheque at the end of the month. My lay outs included:

Food shopping
An occasional coffee or lunch with friends
Petrol
Haircuts for dc and me
Clothes for dc and me (sensible)
Dentist
Parking
Window cleaner
Bits for the house (towels, plants, cooking stuff)
Tumble tots
Swimming
School dinners and trips as they got bigger

I was a sahm for seven years and never once did he question a single spend (I am not the last of the big spenders).

When I went back to work part-time it was lovely not accounting for every penny. He became shortly after we started a family the much higher earner.

Your DH does indeed sound financially abusive and I don't think just getting a job will solve it.

I cannot be arsed to read all the replies but more than 10% think you are being unreasonable? I don’t know who the people on Mumsnet are but we are worlds apart!

£150 is not enough money to replace clothes he asked you to throw away!

Just leave him and sleep at a family members / friends for a couple of nights and see how he copes when he has no childcare for a day or two. Tell him you’ll come back when he ‘allows’ you to get a PT job so you can buy yourself things and treat yourself. Don’t threaten it, just go.

Throwing away clothes so there's less to pack is a really bizarre thing to do. You say he agreed pay to replace them but now won't. It actually sounds like he doesn't want you to have any suitable clothes to go anywhere or do anything other than minding the kids.

As you both agreed that you'd stay at home to allow him to be the main earner then your bank accounts should be joint. You shouldn't have to ask him for money.

It really sounds like it's deliberate - that his plan was always that you'd be stuck at home with nothing of your own.

My story as SAHM: DH gave me access to his account when I went on maternity leave with DC1(basically turned his into a joint account so we have 2 bank cards)
20 odd years later and a lot has changed financially but I still have access to his account - just no need to use it as I am earning similar amount and we have split bills between us.

In your shoes, I would get a job AND ask for a joint account for household bills and other essentials.

I have lived by the mantra "never hold your hand out to anyone for money". I'd never depend on a man for my cash. Always worked full-time, hard with children, but doable. Yes, we enjoy what comes from 2 incomes, but nothing beats financial independence for a woman.
Get a job, if only for your own money. Sets a good example to your children. Taking positive action will shake him up a bit and he might stop regarding you as one of his children.

@Rachmorr57

She does work, but he doesn’t pay her!

You do understand the situation? Your comment is so daft, because she would be able to work if she wasn’t looking after his kids, that he WANTS her to look after. So, if she ups and says she’s starting Monday that’s an argument on the cards because she agreed to what HE wanted.

If you can’t see the inequality and frankly, the abuse here then I don’t think you’ve read the OPs post correctly.

You are supposed to be a team, a partnership. You have sacrificed your independence and earning power to enable him to build his business for the family (which includes you) and this was agreed.

The money he makes is for all of you it is not his money alone.

You need the following:

1. Access to all accounts where money is.
2. Full knowledge of how much money you have
3. Full access to how it is spent
4. To be included in, consulted on, how the money is spent or saved

Once you have all this then you can both agree and set a budget that includes a set sum of money for your personal use for whatever you want to do with it.

Finances should be open and transparent.

If he won't agree to this then as others have said he is financially abusing you and using money to control you.

It is incredibly demeaning to have to ask for money like a pauper.

You shouldn't have to ask for money. You need a joint account.

Or you need a joint account from which all bills are paid and anything left over is split evenly between you and your husband and paid into your separate accounts to spend as you wish.

I didn't work for 4 years (mutual agreement) so my husband paid all the bills and set up a direct debit to my account giving me half of what was left over. And we each did what we wanted with our own bits .

If your husband won't share, then he can't ask you not to work. Get a job and spilt the child care equally.

I also want to add that even the fact you would agree to throw away your clothes because he suggested it indicates a hugely unequal power balance in your relationship.
My DH would never even think to tell me what I should do with my own clothes. If he did I’d laugh in his face and that would be the end of it. Same for all non-abusive marriages I expect.

This is harsh af. OP is an adult, clearly. Don't infantalise SAHP.

Hope you feel big about yourself now you've been a twat to a stranger online.

This is the definition of financial abuse copied and pasted from www.womansaid.org.uk:

Financial abuse is part of coercive control, it involves a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviours relating to money and finances. The perpetrator uses money to control their partner’s freedom. This can include using credit or debit cards without permission or building up debts in their partner’s name. Economic abuse is a broader term, as it also includes restricting access to essential resources and services, such as food, clothing or transport, and refusing to allow someone to improve their economic status through employment, education or training. Some examples of economic abuse are:

• Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret
• Taking out debts in your name, sometimes without you knowing
• Stopping you from being in work, education or training
• Making you do a certain amount of hours at work, not contributing to any bills
• Having control over spending, checking receipts, having everything in their name

Christ, he's proper done you over hasn't he? Talk about chained to the kitchen sink, barefoot and pregnant.

You need your own job pronto. Preferably you need to leave the abusive arsehole.

Invoice him for your services as a cook, nanny, house keeper for the years you did it.

In addition to this, invoice him for each of your pregnancies, the trauma of childbirth and for the cost for gym membership, spa days, massages and hair salon to heal your body and mental health from pregnancy and childbirth.

The OP has not - she chose to be a SAHM on the promise that if she did that labour and supported him, her H would provide the cash to support her. Nothing wrong with that - until he broke it.

You need to speak to him. If it doesn’t improve you get a job and leave.

I’m a sahm. I have equal access to joint
account for family spending. We also both have the same amount of money for personal spending clothes for oursleves, going out with friends, random things we want for oursleves.

This is abuse.

He's not ensuring your provided with basics you need such as clothes and other things.

He's isolating you from friends by not even providing a fiver to meet a friend for coffee occasionally or more often.

You've given up your work and saddled you with the care of the children making it difficult for you to leave the home,have adult company and have financial independence from him.

All of the above also makes it very difficult to leave him.

He's got you right where he wants you;a bangmaid who's trapped putting up with his abusive bullshit.

What sort of a random thing is throwing clothes away, to make a house move easier. That makes absolutely no sense at all. Did you have 6 wardrobes worth?! That’s such bullshit!

Definitely tell him you have had enough of living like this. He has destroyed your agreeement and you can't trust his word anymore. So - tell him you're looking for a job and he'll have to pay a proportion of childcare adjusted to his higher income. Ask for a joint account - if he declines, start sleuthing so you know how much money has has. It might come in handy to know one day.

Is the house in both your names?