Sick of having to ask DH for money

This is financial abuse.

You need to sit him down and explain how much money he's saving by not having to pay 1/2 of childcare (it's around £85 per child per day for nursery and around £18ph for a nanny, and nannies do not do the housework either, so you can add on half the costs of a cleaner at £16ph for however many hours that takes).

You don't need £150. You need full access to the money he is making off your unpaid labour so you can spend what you need to spend to have the same quality of life that he has.

Nope nope nope this is called financial control and is not healthy. I have only just returned to work after 8 years of being SAHM and my experience was everything is 'ours', have had full access to all accounts and although I do sometimes ask him if I should wait a month to get something he almost always says no get what you need and get good quality not cheap crap for yourself. We have also paid into a pension for me the whole time. Whilst for large purchases I would discuss with him for a pair of jeans or some shoes I would just go. I am not usually an advocate for keeping your moneys separate but in these kinds of instances it is definitely healthier for you to have an income and keep some saved away for times when he will not allow you access. Can you access the accounts yourself or do you literally have to ask him to hand cash to you to buy things? I can understand a discussion around buying things if money is tight but to outright say you can't buy yourself any clothes when he has told you to bin your other ones is very off to me.

You will never be truly independent if you aren't earning money. You will be a dependent. No good.

Umm, why did you not tell him to fuck off when he said you should throw away your clothes to make a house move easier Who does such a batshit thing? Also £150 to replace them? My wardrobe would cost thousands of pounds to replace and it iis mostly mid range high street suff.

Yes OP the fact you would go along with such a mad idea really shows you’ve lost all sense of what’s normal. He can only have suggested this as a form of control.

Does he often suggest totally ridiculous things that you feel unable to push back on?

The OP has chosed not to be an adult, each grown up should be respobsible for themselves if you want money OP then go out and earn it, what if something happens to him then what?

Sigh ! they are earning it , have you had a look at childcare prices recently ? Or how much a cleaner is ?, better still a housekeeper ? A cleaner isn't going to wash your pants, so her job is more akin to a full-time Nanny and housekeeper , which those who are seriously loaded, will tell you are worth their weight in gold and not cheap !

I don't understand that at all - why would you throw all your clothes away!

That was my thought too. What an evil bastard.

I don’t understand why you threw all your clothes and shoes out to make a house move easier, I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Get a job

And/or leave him

This is genuinely horrifying OP.

Tell him you need full access to the current account tomorrow and you’ll be buying some clothes. Any protest and this is confirmation that you’re in a financially abusive relationship.

is there anywhere you can go with your children? Family? Friends? Whilst you get on your feet and get a job.

He wanted a pact that you'd be a SAHM so he could build his career?

He also made a pact that he would throw all your clothes away, and buy you new ones. He broke that one so the first one can get in the bin too.

This is an invisible prison, and you need to get out.

On what planet does throwing all your clothes away because you're moving house make sense? I wonder if he was left with the clothes on his back and no means to get new ones? Thought not.

He's abhorrent OP, speak to Womens Aid for advice on financial abuse and coercive control.

His business might be not that successful as you think.Do you know how much he earns?

Throwing out most of your clothes to make a move easier is a bizarre thing to do.

I have a feeling he's done this to keep your confidence low and your world small. £150 won't buy fuck all these days, and he knows that.

The fact that you feel it's "selfish" to ask him for ''suitable footwear'" is really, really depressing.

Ask for him for full access to family money or get a job. If you are worried or nervous about discussing either of these things with him, then you really do have a problem.

Echoing others you need to tell him it’s not working and you are looking for a job to have some financial independence

Look his business up on companies house,that’ll give some clues about finances
Get A Job. You shouldn’t have made yourself unwaged and dependent.
Hes controlling. Frankly it sounds irredeemable. Get divorced, get a job,consider a training course

I'm a sahm and never ask for money. We have a joint account and I just spend what I need to.

Abuse in its purest form.

How can she go and get a job with no clothes?

I’ll be prepared to bet he’s an arsehole about childcare, the car etc.

OP I’ll tell you how this ends: you start to make moves to change things, get your own money and independence and he ups the control in response. Be ready. Explain all this to your friends and they will equally be horrified.

💯

Dh and I each have our own bank account and we have a joint account for bills. I work part time , Dh earns 7x my wage .
This is how we work out our money -

Dh wage 3500
My wage 500
Bills 3000
Saving 500
Dh left over money 250
My left over money 250

We end up with exactly the same money, sometimes dh transfers money to my account to make it even.

Why should one of you have a lesser life style than the other?

I'd sit him down and tell him it changes now or you will be getting a job and he can start doing his share of housework!!

@Justlivelovelaugheat £150 is too much???? is he expecting you to go to the local church jumble sale and buy a couple of tops for 50p each????? wtaf!!!!

we did it in a similar way; we still have separate accounts but decide who spends on what ...also neither he or I earn a lot and is very easy to know what we have each

I was homestay for 8 years. Never lacked anything, also have been given cash as much I want and more than when I did not want it, plus all things bought for me and haircuts and courses offered to me , trips away, tops and dresses

Is he abusive in other ways too?

Isolating you from friends and family?

Putting you down?

Gaslighting?

Treating you as a servant/nanny?

Prioritising his wishes over your needs?

Using anger to control you?

Blaming you for his bad behaviour towards you?

You're looking after his kids, it's your money, he's a tool

Get yourself back to work.

This is why it is almost always a bad idea to be a SAHM. Sometimes it works out but you are completely dependant on someone's good nature which as you've found out, can quickly change and then you feel stuck.