Page 6 | Sick of having to ask DH for money

VictoriaMum323 · 05/02/2025 23:53

When women say they don’t work because they hate to be away from their kids : honestly do they believe that we all love to leave our kids at nursery every day??

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2025 23:53

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2025 23:47

Fine, technically it’s his money but really it’s family money and that’s how it should be viewed (that’s how divorce courts would see it, too) because without her giving up work he wouldn’t have been able to grow the business and earn the money in the same way.

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There's no technically about it. Morally, you could argue that it should be family but it is his money.

Legally, it would be shared during a divorce but marriage isn't divorce and a married couple aren't required to share their income, otherwise married people wouldn't be able to have personal accounts.

Morally is a different story. Of course, morally, he shouldn't keep his money to himself but this is what can make SAHM's so vulnerable because one day, a man can simply change his mind and this is what happens.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2025 23:51

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2025 23:47

Fine, technically it’s his money but really it’s family money and that’s how it should be viewed (that’s how divorce courts would see it, too) because without her giving up work he wouldn’t have been able to grow the business and earn the money in the same way.

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It is his money technically. And even divorce courts don't see it as family money whatever that even means realistically speaking. Spousal maintenance after divorce isn't very common these days. When push comes to shove there is no such thing as family money. Every day on MN there are posts about financial abuse. The person who holds the purse strings holds the power.

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2025 23:47

Viviennemary · 05/02/2025 23:38

No matter how you try to dress it up it's his money. Whether or not he chooses to share is his choice. Like it or not. His money going into a bank of his choice and access only if he allows it. Why won't people wake up to those simple facts.

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Fine, technically it’s his money but really it’s family money and that’s how it should be viewed (that’s how divorce courts would see it, too) because without her giving up work he wouldn’t have been able to grow the business and earn the money in the same way.

mrlistersgelfbride · 05/02/2025 23:44

This is very sad OP.
I grew up with a mum who had to account for every penny and had a limited clothes allowance and I hated how my dad controlled everything.

I know this is frowned upon but I'll happily send you £20 for an item of clothing, message me your details.

It boils my piss that men think they can treat women like this.

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2025 23:39

“My husband is a great man”

Wake up, he really is NOT.

A great man does not make his wife get rid of all her clothes then break his promise to replace them.
A great man does not selfishly see all the money as HIS money and refuse to share with his wife
A great man does not tell his wife she can’t get a job and make her scared to ask for money.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2025 23:38

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2025 23:32

It’s not his money, it’s your family money. You gave up your job to enable him to grow his business, you’ve remained out of work to save the family money on childcare and because he wanted you to. It is your joint money, not just his. You absolutely should not be having to ask for money because either everything should be in a joint account or he should be transferring you at least enough to cover your needs (which may include a coffee or meal out with friends every now and again, for example). I am actually so angry on your behalf.

Tell him he needs to share his money fairly with you as you’re the one enabling him to have a family and home life whilst earning that money, or you’re going back to work and childcare costs will be split.

No matter how you try to dress it up it's his money. Whether or not he chooses to share is his choice. Like it or not. His money going into a bank of his choice and access only if he allows it. Why won't people wake up to those simple facts.

AngryBookworm · 05/02/2025 23:36

Your resources need to be pooled, and you shouldn't have to ask for money - you're both putting in work and enabling the business to make money. I'm quite worried that he persuaded you to throw away all your clothes before moving - not just because that's obviously insane, but because you were persuaded by it. Perhaps a sign you're under his influence? Definitely keep up any relationships that are in danger of dropping off so you have someone to sense check these things with.

lovinglaughingliving · 05/02/2025 23:36

Get a job then!
It really is that simple surely?
You feel resentful then get a job and earn your own money!

Mischance · 05/02/2025 23:32

Springadorable · 05/02/2025 21:49

I'm a sahm and never ask for money. We have a joint account and I just spend what I need to.

And this is how a true partnership should work.
I am staggered by people saying they list their spending, keep receipts then partner writes a cheque etc.
We just shared all our resources. It never entered our heads for a moment to do otherwise.

Mnetcurious · 05/02/2025 23:32

It’s not his money, it’s your family money. You gave up your job to enable him to grow his business, you’ve remained out of work to save the family money on childcare and because he wanted you to. It is your joint money, not just his. You absolutely should not be having to ask for money because either everything should be in a joint account or he should be transferring you at least enough to cover your needs (which may include a coffee or meal out with friends every now and again, for example). I am actually so angry on your behalf.

Tell him he needs to share his money fairly with you as you’re the one enabling him to have a family and home life whilst earning that money, or you’re going back to work and childcare costs will be split.

OakleyAnnie · 05/02/2025 23:31

I can’t get past how he persuaded you to throw your clothes out to make the move easier. I’ve never heard anything like that before. Weird.

StormingNorman · 05/02/2025 23:24

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/02/2025 23:16

I’m on statutory maternity leave at the moment but normally work full
time

if I need something I just buy it on the joint account and ask my husband to put the money back in later if it needs replacing

I know how much goes out for bills and what dates so I know when I can and can’t spend

I couldn’t stand having to constantly ask for money

But you do have to ask for money because you are borrowing from the bills and have to ask for it to be replaced. He is still keeping his money for himself and only sharing what he wants.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/02/2025 23:23

This is exactly why i think all finances should go into one main joint account when one parent is a SAHP.
Both of you should have access to the money, for needs, and also reasonable wants if they're affordable.

Circe7 · 05/02/2025 23:19

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/02/2025 22:57

If he was having monetary issues why make OP throw her clothes out and say she could buy more? That doesn't make sense at all.

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Maybe things changed quickly as they can do - unexpected tax bill, client won’t pay, key client leaves, someone sues you etc. Presumably he passed affordability on buying the new house so things weren’t too bad at that stage.

Obviously the business being in financial trouble is pure speculation but it would be a good idea for the OP to try to gauge the state of the business if nothing else because if she does leave she would currently have no idea what she’d be getting a share of. There could be £50k of debt for example.

newrubylane · 05/02/2025 23:19

Justlivelovelaugheat · 05/02/2025 21:01

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

Hi OP. I'm a SAHM. We have a joint bank account and I spend as required. I also have full access to our savings. My husband doesn't begrudge me spending on myself or the kids. I would talk to him before making a large purchase, obviously. But generally, yes it is perfectly possible to be a SAHM and not be subject to financial abuse, which this is.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/02/2025 23:16

I’m on statutory maternity leave at the moment but normally work full
time

if I need something I just buy it on the joint account and ask my husband to put the money back in later if it needs replacing

I know how much goes out for bills and what dates so I know when I can and can’t spend

I couldn’t stand having to constantly ask for money

Redburnett · 05/02/2025 23:11

You need a joint bank account, you are a partnership. Or you start invoicing him for everything you do for him, his home, and his children.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2025 23:07

Justlivelovelaugheat · 05/02/2025 23:04

The last few months I’ve seen a side that has made me think it’s time to go and get a job. But we’ve been together for years and years my husband is a great man and I love him very much. The only problem is now with how his acting even if I did want to leave it would be incredibly hard. We’ve moved far away from any family, the mortgage now is insanely expensive I’d never be able to afford it by myself and a part time job won’t cut living expenses. Hopefully a job will sort out dynamic so it goes back to normal and I’ll feel like myself again!

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He isn't a great man. Great men don't treat people like this, especially someone they are supposed to love.

100A · 05/02/2025 23:06

So it sounds like he's stressed over the mortgage.

But how did you ever agree to be a SAHM without a joint bank account?

adviceneeded1990 · 05/02/2025 23:06

Go to work and get yourself out of this, it’s financial abuse!

Original poster

Justlivelovelaugheat · 05/02/2025 23:04

babyproblems · 05/02/2025 22:48

This thread won’t end well.
He’s clearly financially abusive. Honestly it’s not about the money it’s about him using it as power over you. Insane that you don’t have a ‘salary’ or allowance paid into your account every month. Also insane that you cannot access the family money??? You should be able transfer yourself money. You should have all income into one joint account and all bills paid. Anything left split equally between you.

there is no link between you doing the childcare and him growing the business; and you not having money for yourself. It’s irrelevant who does what. All money is joint. In your case being married to an abusive prick and you being vulnerable, I’m not sure you have any choice other than to issue him one final ultimatum and if he will not do it as is required, you need to leave. Good luck x

The last few months I’ve seen a side that has made me think it’s time to go and get a job. But we’ve been together for years and years my husband is a great man and I love him very much. The only problem is now with how his acting even if I did want to leave it would be incredibly hard. We’ve moved far away from any family, the mortgage now is insanely expensive I’d never be able to afford it by myself and a part time job won’t cut living expenses. Hopefully a job will sort out dynamic so it goes back to normal and I’ll feel like myself again!

OP posts:

100A · 05/02/2025 22:58

OP - Your H is financially abusive.

I have been a SAHM, as have many many women I know and NOT ONE would have to ask for money. Don't be ridiculous.

No it's is not 'his money' ffs

The fact he thinks in these terms means he would be financially abusive even if you were working.

'My money' men never change. It's a certain mentality. I'm sorry, but you will need to divorce him because nobody can live like this.

Notgivenuphope · 05/02/2025 22:58

If you want money go and earn it. Split the bills. Pay for childcare.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/02/2025 22:57

Circe7 · 05/02/2025 22:54

It sounds to me like the business may be in trouble given that his behaviour re finances has changed quite recently and that he’s apparently diverting money away from your personal finances into the business. Needing a loan may be a red flag for this (obviously businesses can take on loans for all sorts of reasons but one of them is that there’s been a downturn and they’ve run out of cash). If so he may be ashamed / worried about it and be handling it very badly. I’d do some digging into the business and then ask him gently about it.

Or he may just be very controlling as previous posters have suggested particularly re the throwing away your clothes and then refusing to buy new ones.

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If he was having monetary issues why make OP throw her clothes out and say she could buy more? That doesn't make sense at all.