Sick of having to ask DH for money

There's no borderline about it.

Probably as you say @TriciaMcMillan straight out abuse & coercive control. But to say that flat out often confronts & scares off posters, who really need help, advice, and solidarity.

We shouldn't underestimate the shame that some women can feel, realising the abusive mess that their marriage has become.

I don't understand op how it isn't beneficial for you to be paid directly. The pension is good, as is paying you up to £12k per annum which is tax free. Not paying the student loans would be sensible too as these are low interest and get written off after 30 years.

Get that job for sure!

I'm sure someone has mentioned it, but is the business in trouble?ask him. He might start paying you money again to prove it's not, of course.

There used to be rule that women could keep a % out of what they save out of 'housekeeping' money.

Tell him that his miserly behaviour is slowly but surely eroding your love for him. Because this is how it'll end if he continues along this path. You need full access to all assets and the ability to spend money reasonably. You are meant to be a team - he is not your boss.

However, just in case he decides to be an arsehole, in your shoes I would quietly plan my exit. Getting back to work, collecting all financial documentation, reading up on divorce - aka getting your ducks in a row. Better safe than sorry...

Paying off student loans - if you're in England - is not a great use of money. Only 17% of graduates are expected to earn enough to do so - those who earn over 150K.
You'd have had better use of the money buying clothes / pension payments / training for a job

Began this with dc2 but started working again after 18m as it was too difficult financially.

Again I was a sahm for 2 yrs and dc were starting school, financially we were ok but I needed a life outside the school drop off and pick up. Dp always gave me money and we coped. But much better being able to work and have money too

There's no borderline about it.

But this is a good point. OP, you insist this has been a recent change. Has this 'great man' been making suitable provision for your retirement while you have been at home? Not his, not your 'joint', but for you personally, in your name?

Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear.

Borderline abusive.

Barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen.

Is he making contributions to your pensions - the State pension & a proper retirement fund?

You'd be better off without him, but as a compromise, go back to work part-time. Build up skills and cash.

You effectively own half his business and should know the full details of finances. Know your rights.
Book into an accountant with DH and have everything explained.
Take over some of the parts of the business that you would enjoy and that you can cope with at home.
Encourage DH to do more child care so that he appreciates that part of your family structure and the work that you do.

Go to an op. shop for some new clothes but for some items purchase the best, natural fibre jumpers and coats etc.
A fair start would be 1000. Your DH is deluded.

One the kids are at school start to expand parts of your business that would be advised or look for outside work.
Pool finances, because you already are, and be alert and know exactly what is being spent, saved, invested etc.

Regain your endependent earning power either in the business or with your own career path.

Kick the whole thing off with a frank discussion with your DH about visiting an accountant together.

@Justlivelovelaugheat your DH is financially abusing you.

You need to decide what to do about it.

The money you have is not his btw it's family money. He sounds like an arse.

A great man doesn't build his career off your labour and then deny you £150 for clothing. He's abusing you. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you've given him years and years doesn't mean you should give him more.

You should ask him to pay you. EITHER _ get paid as a child minder - for 'working hours' when you are not sharing the kids - or Work out how much he would like to spend in a month - and he pays you that much - keeps that much for himself and everything else goes in the joint account.

Just keave as he's never gonna change, you'll be able to get benefits, and he will have to share your money, as that's what it us, both of yours.

Good luck op

He should be giving you money freely if he valued you. He doesn’t. There’s no need to beg, it’s belittling and beneath anyone. He’s just not a nice man. If you can, go home to your parents. Greedy people don’t suddenly become free with their money. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get out while you’re still young.

OP needs to get a job so she can start protecting herself and making plans to leave if he doesn't change. I wouldn't trust him to be a SAHM again, even if he did change because what's to say he'd not do it again?

Your husband has set you on a slippery slope here into financial abuse, and you are sliding fast.

Get your own job.

He and you can pay proportionally to income for childcare.

Tell him you're a grown adult; you won't go begging for money for clothes or shoes, and that since he has reneged on his assurances to you, you are canceling your side of the bargain too.

Whose name is the new house in?

Start job hunting. Do not let him do this to you.

Make sure you keep as much documentation of his income from the business as possible, and documentation of the business turnover, profit, and taxes. You may well need this information one day. Keep a close watch.

There is no reason you can’t have access to all the bank accounts. It doesn’t matter if it is his personal account or his small business. Given your precarious situation, he doesn’t have the right to keep financial secrets.

if he won’t agree to full transparency so you can make your own budgeting decisions, then your sahm status needs to change. He will need to contribute towards childcare fees and start doing drop offs, pick ups, sick days, and more housework.

All these people saying “go get a job”

seem to have missed the part where the two of you decided she should be the primary parent, and stay at home.

have those people also forgotten that there is no “his money” it is a shared marital asset.

and you should have full and free access to that money.
together you might put together a budget, but it is your money to spend. And he should not withhold it .

yes you might also want a job,
but you also need to deal with his financial control.

and if he doesn’t appreciate the work you do by staying at home and caring for his children, and him and his house then maybe you should separate.

no worries at all. I do believe that you need to take responsibilities for your decisions. Of course choosing to stay home and be there for your children’s milestones is going to come with some down sides like the unknowns of how your husband will share finances etc. Life is really really expensive and you’ve just moved house presumably somewhere you like - there must be bills
coming left right and centre? Why don’t you sit down with your husband and work out how much disposable income there is at the end of each month and then say I need X amount monthly and I think we can afford that. Best of luck x

Divorce and marriage are very different things. I don't think there are any shoulds with marriage really and plenty of married couples don't have shared finances BUT the big exception is when one is a SAHM, you don't leave someone you claim to love with little to no money.

The fact that it would be shared in a divorce rather implies that it should be shared in marriage. I’m well aware it’s not required, hence cases of selfish and financially abusive husbands such as the op’s.

I do. 😝