Sick of having to ask DH for money

He's convinced you into throwing away most of your clothes knowing you don't have the means independently to replace them- and is now refusing to allow you even a minimal amount of money to do so. That sounds abusive.
If a couple make the decision for one to stay at home doing the parenting and domestic labour, while the other is in employment, then there should be no such thing as separate finances. Plus you're married so legally there would be no such thing if you were to divorce.

I'm a sahm, I have access to our joint account, credit card and savings are in my name for tax. So I can spend what I want when I want and my husband would encourage me to spend more on myself. That is how marriage and sah parenting should be. Equal access as both contributing.

What you are experiencing is financial abuse.

I've nothing to add other than speak to him, expain how you feel and options you have which you will be taking. You need to get financial transparency until you do all the expensive holidays could be loans and he's in financial trouble. good luck.

Wow, it's like back in the 50s.......I agree with other posts that say you need financial independence. The power balance in your marriage is messed up.......and no......£150 is not a lot of money for clothes plural.

He is controlling you by withdrawal of money. I suggest you sort this out very soon it not a good way to live. Married people should have a joint account what his is yours and vice versa. Get advice and a credit card as your income is the same as your husbands.

£150 is NOTHNG when it comes to getting something to wear. Its literally a top and a half decent pair of boots, maybe not even that. It costs a good few hundred to get yourself dressed decently, and its his fault you have nothing to wear as he dumped your stuff!! He is a complete twat, he is abusive and nasty. I fell very angry on your behalf. You really need to do something about it - I would suggest getting equal access to joint account, this would be a good start. If he refuses, I honestly think this marriage should not continue. You are his wife and mother of his kids, not his servant!

Please keep talking, OP.

Please also tell someone from home, in real life, what’s happening.

Textbook financial abuser. I assume he controls the rest of your life without effort as you have confined yourself to the house.

You may have drifted into this but only you can decide to get out.

If you have negotiations for basic items then you are not being treated like an adult.

This doesn't matter unless they are unmarried.

Financial abuse.

Get yourself a job and/or get out of this situation, OP. He is using money to control you - and he's also tight as a duck's arse. You're not his unpaid skivvy, you're his wife, but that's exactly how he's treating you.

I'd be asking him what is it in the family finances that he doesn't want you to see, to be aware of???

If your mortgage is too high or too much for him to manage on his salary and he's trying to hide that, he needs to come clean NOW before he gets in even further.

If it's a business loan, again, he has to come clean now.

It sounds very shifty and shady that he's changed at the same time that you've moved house and it revolves around a business loan.

I'd be sitting him down and expect honest answers or you'll have to get someone to do some investigating into the accounts of the business (as you're directly impacted on its success/failure).

All of this.

@Justlivelovelaugheat Your husband is abusive. You aren't painting him in a bad light. You're on denial about his behaviour.

He’s a great man and you love him but…he gave you a suitcase for all the clothes and made you choose between throwing the children’s or yours away with a promise to replace them then went back on that agreement so you find yourself asking for advice because you barely have anything to wear. (This makes zero fucking sense btw, you presumably moved a crap ton of large, heavy furniture & appliances etc. Clothes are easy!)

He now has you in a position where not only do you have to ask for money, when you do ask, he says no.

You do work for his business and don’t get paid yet he’s somehow managed to convince you this is acceptable.

Oh…and he made you move away from all your friends and family.

Great man, wonderful. Can see why you love him so much.

If he doesn't open his wallet without terms and conditions applied after you've lived up to your part of the bargain more than once, he's being financially abusive to you.

Your best course of action would be to tell him that if he doesn't hand over the money (as he agreed he would and it's not his opinion you're looking for, it's new clothes) he is being abusive and you would have no qualms about going to the police and reporting him for being abusive. You will also be left with no option but to go out and get a job/get training to get a job and get your own money and then he has ZERO control over your money, it's yours but he gets to carry on paying for what he's paying for as that hasn't changed.

He doesn't just auto send you money monthly? I think you should get him to start doing this regardless of whether you will spend it or tell him you're going back to work. Does he realise how much you'd be earning if you went back to work, if only part time for 20hrs pw @ 12ph and how much he would then need to pay for childcare? If he thinks 1 parent needs to stay home, tell him to run his business from home then. Why should you be at a disadvantage? That's ridiculous.

Also, sorry if I have missed it but why don't you have a debit card / online banking for the account where all the money is going into?

Anyone that loved you wouldn't give you a suitcase and make you choose between clothes for yourself and clothes for your children, unless you were in some kind of emergency fleeing situation, which I presume you were not.

Yeah this. I have never heard anything like this in my life. OP this is a very, very worrying read.

The fact you're an employee of the business but don't receive a salary is actually illegal. Does he know this?

I was a SAHM and we had a joint account. It was our money. I spent it as I saw fit, but we had an agreement that we talked to each other if we wanted to spend more than £20 (this was a long time ago!!) Even now with us both working FT again we talk to each other about big spends, he earns more than me but he doesn't give a shit about that.

As for the chucking out the clothes? That's madness. I love my clothes and would have told him where to go.

You are married and made a joint pact re you staying at home = joint money.
You should have access to the money as an equal partner who is simply doing a different role to your DH in your family but is just as a vital. He seems to be infantilising you saying that you are irresponsible with money. The thing about throwing clothes when moving sounds a little weird to me. How many clothes were there?? How much time/money would’ve been saved by throwing them away? And now he won’t give you enough to buy new things. To me it sounds very controlling. Moving forward, there needs to be a proper conversation about how you’d like things to change. If he’s not amenable to having a sensible discussion then you need to consider your options because I don’t think this is a reasonable way to live.

Quite simply, you have no idea how being in a coercive relationship works, or the faintest idea about being financially controlled.

@Justlivelovelaugheat do you have a friend or family member in real life you could talk to about this?

Decluttering extraneous, redundant items for a house move- normal. Reducing a family to one suitcase and promising £150 to replace them is ridiculous.

You need to plan for your own financial stability because he's broken the trust over absolute basics. Getting a job is not a magic cure because there's still plenty of scope for aggro over childcare costs and division of domestic labour, but if this marriage breaks down, he is not going to play fair and give your children what they need and your share of what you invested into his financial position. But it does enable your financial survival and reduce the impact of his control over you.

You do seem pretty burnout.

Quite simply get a job .

The scary thing to me is how you've ignored your own cravings and needs and given him so much authority on everything, from where to live to your income, thinking he is this 'great man'. What great man makes you throw your clothes away and won't buy you any more? If he's not actively cruel, he's at the very least selfish and unthinking. And he's absolutely controlling and abusive when it comes to money. But you sound like you've got no power and have gone along with everything like he knows best. You are an equal partner in the marriage and just as 'great' as he is. Do not let him make you feel second best for one more moment. Get a job for your MH and self-esteem and stop being so cowed and grateful for this 'joy' of seeing your kids grow. We all see our kids grow, but we also have the joy of a voice in our home/marriage and being able to buy clothes. It's fucking outrageous the situation he's put you in and it needs to change. He's not going to change it. You don't need to leave but you need to get angrier and assert your independence. He won't give you, he's actively taken it away so you need to remind him you're an equal and start taking it back. Today.