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Original poster

Sick of having to ask DH for money

237 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 05/02/2025 21:01

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

OP posts:
ElizabethTaylorsEyebrow · 05/02/2025 21:13

Have you told him all this?

You need full transparency about all money and access to it without asking him.

No-one should ever become a SAHM without having this.

If he refuses now that’s divorce territory. But first make sure you secretly copy/screenshot everything relating to his money and assets as he will start hiding it all as soon as you mention divorce.

Have you looked up his company’s accounts on Companies House? That will give you a sense of how much he’s making, if he won’t tell you. Half of that money is yours.

You also do need to get a job I’m afraid as it’s clear he can’t be trusted to treat you like an adult.

SerenStarEtoile · 05/02/2025 21:12

He is your husband. He doesn't have "his money", it's a joint asset. You either have free access to your marital assets or you divorce him and let the lawyer explain to him how finances work when you are married.

This!

Do you have a debit card for shopping? Or does he give you cash? It is unusual not to have access to any money - what if there was an urgent situation like needing to pay a plumber if you have a flood?

I think you may need to speak to Citizens Advice or similar to ask about it.

Hope you get some good answers on here.

JimHalpertsWife · 05/02/2025 21:12

Why is all the money his? He's only earning it all because you are picking up all the home and child labour to enable him to do so - therefore all the money is family money.

TriciaMcMillan · 05/02/2025 21:11

This is pretty much textbook financial abuse.

Esdale · 05/02/2025 21:11

We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

Should you feel bad for asking for £150 for clothes and suitable footwear? No.

Is he providing for all of you, if you don't have clothes and suitable footwear? No.

This is financial abuse.

You are enabling your husband to build his business up, by caring for his children. You are sacrificing your own financial freedom, and building up benefits such as a workplace pension, in the process.

He is massively, massively taking the piss. This is not a partnership or how it should be.

Maray1967 · 05/02/2025 21:10

Tell him you want access to the money or you’re getting a job and he will be doing childcare. He needs to choose.

olderbutwiser · 05/02/2025 21:10

You are married. There is a bit in the vows that goes "all that I have I give to you". This is legally binding, as he will find if you divorce.

That said, if you did divorce you would be responsible for creating your own income. Being out of the workplace for long is a sure way to dependence; being a SAHM does mean you need open communication about finances and sharing.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 21:08

You need to get a job even if it’s part time. Nobody wants to be away from their kids but needs must.

JLou08 · 05/02/2025 21:08

It's a partnership, it was a mutual decision for you to be a SAHM and him to work so it's not 'his' money, it should belong to both of you and you should know how much there is and what disposable income is available. If I was you I would get a job. Going without clothes and feeling bad asking for money is no way to live. How old are the DC?

Brefugee · 05/02/2025 21:06

Get a full-time job. Split all bills proportionately

Catza · 05/02/2025 21:05

He is your husband. He doesn't have "his money", it's a joint asset. You either have free access to your marital assets or you divorce him and let the lawyer explain to him how finances work when you are married.
ETA: he does not provide for all of you since you don't have access to any money without having to ask and made feel bad for asking. He provides for himself, maybe his children and he has "free help".

Everythingisnumbersnow · 05/02/2025 21:05

You need to get your own job.