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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go through CMS when ex was 3 days late paying

33 replies

Evecob · 05/02/2025 18:00

Hi all, just want a bit of perspective.

Bit of backstory, my ex and I were together 13 years, decided to separate last september, my reasons were due to emotional, psychological and rarely physical abuse which was on and off the whole relationship. He was removed from the family home in October for assault and dangerous driving while our children were in the car. He has bail conditions not to contact me or go to the house. He now lives with his dad. This is ongoing as he pled not guilty so it is going to trial..

Our 2 children 6 and 4 live in the family home with me full time. He has not seen the kids since October. I requested proof of therapy to show commitment to change in behaviour as a boundary to seeing them but he has refused. I spoke to a contact centre to arrange visits that way, he also refused this.

He works full time and on an average/good salary. We agreed via his father by text messages for him to pay £90 less than what CMS suggested 1st of each month. This was a struggle but he agreed..

The first 3 months he paid on the 1st as agreed.. some days i noticed it was late, once i had to remind him to pay. I had to send reminders regarding other fees he kept "forgetting" so each month i find myself worrying if he will pay.

The past few weeks there have been issues. He blocked access to joint emails, and the account for my phone and internet were in his name (but I pay for), he locked me out and cancelled my phone contract. (This was great as now i have my own account and phone but he still has broadband in his name and refuses to move to my name). Anyway, this month he didnt pay CMS on the 1st as usual. I checked next day and waited until the 3rd in the morning. Still nothing. So decided to put in CMS claim.

On the 4th i saw the payment was in at last...but i already put in the claim.

I feel like it shouldnt be on me to remind him/his dad to pay it. At best he is forgetting, at worst he is using this as a tool to control me and i dont want this. However sticking to this and we go through CMS i know he will be mad and have to pay more now.

AiBU to change my mind without communicating and going via CMS?

OP posts:
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Theunamedcat · 07/02/2025 17:48

Show your broadband provider that he no longer lives there ask for packaging to return the equipment

Or

Three do broadband via a sim card it's not technically a second line there is no line it's like mobile data just don't pay for his broadband

SapphireOpal · 07/02/2025 17:38

Worriednanof1 · 07/02/2025 17:28

It's not wrong, they deduct a percentage from both parties. I know from experience & a year long battle.

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What the PP said was totally correct, you're wrong. They deduct if you have to go through Collect and Pay, but it's only 4 percent. No deduction if you use Direct Pay. Which is exactly what the PP said.

pennydroppedtoday · 07/02/2025 17:34

Olé you are in the right.

Totally fine if it happened once and you haven't received payment and text in the day saying payment hasn't come though and his dad responded with 'oh god apologies totally forgot and he will transfer it over to you now, I will make sure' then that's ok as a one off but late all the time without an explanation from him then it's unacceptable.

Worriednanof1 · 07/02/2025 17:28

RhaenysRocks · 07/02/2025 15:36

This is wrong unless he refuses to pay and they have to reach in and take it, and even then it gets charged to him, not the claimant. Most people just grumpily comply.

Show quote history

It's not wrong, they deduct a percentage from both parties. I know from experience & a year long battle.

RhaenysRocks · 07/02/2025 15:36

Worriednanof1 · 07/02/2025 15:13

You won't be £90 better off, they take a percentage of your payment if it has to go through them. So he pays a bit more but you also receive a bit less.

Show quote history

This is wrong unless he refuses to pay and they have to reach in and take it, and even then it gets charged to him, not the claimant. Most people just grumpily comply.

RhaenysRocks · 07/02/2025 15:34

voodoodollwithmyname · 07/02/2025 08:48

It's difficult isn't it to know what's the right thing to do - I have the same dilemma - ex has been gone almost 3 years but pays late more often than not and I have to chase. If I go through CMS formally though I don't want to sour an already tenuous relationship but at the same time it's stressful every month watching for the bank notification that it's gone in

I don't think the CMS should be seen as a threat or negative thing. It's just a mechanism to depersonalise what can be a contentious issue. I asked my ex if he would rather I open a CMS claim or he provide me with his payslips once a year. It's not unreasonable to want to know a child's parent is providing according to the law.

Worriednanof1 · 07/02/2025 15:13

BeatriceBest · 06/02/2025 14:38

YANBU for going to CMS, but I’m sure I’ve read on here that they do nothing about payments being late unless they’re over 5 days late? So you may still be in the same position (though £90 up).

You won't be £90 better off, they take a percentage of your payment if it has to go through them. So he pays a bit more but you also receive a bit less.

Original poster
Evecob · 07/02/2025 10:15

voodoodollwithmyname · 07/02/2025 08:48

It's difficult isn't it to know what's the right thing to do - I have the same dilemma - ex has been gone almost 3 years but pays late more often than not and I have to chase. If I go through CMS formally though I don't want to sour an already tenuous relationship but at the same time it's stressful every month watching for the bank notification that it's gone in

Yeah. Totally understand this. Im healing atm and trying to assert boundaries that i was never shown in childhood and i think allowing them to control this is not ok... i dont want this worry every month. But i also worry about the relationship souring more than it already is... but its on his actions.....still feels wrong which is why i needed to come here for another perspective!

OP posts:
voodoodollwithmyname · 07/02/2025 08:48

It's difficult isn't it to know what's the right thing to do - I have the same dilemma - ex has been gone almost 3 years but pays late more often than not and I have to chase. If I go through CMS formally though I don't want to sour an already tenuous relationship but at the same time it's stressful every month watching for the bank notification that it's gone in

Original poster
Evecob · 07/02/2025 08:34

mummyh2016 · 06/02/2025 16:58

Is there any chance he was caught up in the Barclays fuck around last Friday? If so he might not have got paid until Monday.

No he doesnt bank with barclays. I gave him the benefit of the doubt by checking monday but it still hadnt gone through

OP posts:
mummyh2016 · 06/02/2025 16:59

But saying that I would go through CMS regardless unless he's self employed and can fiddle his earning so you end up with 0.

mummyh2016 · 06/02/2025 16:58

Is there any chance he was caught up in the Barclays fuck around last Friday? If so he might not have got paid until Monday.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/02/2025 16:41

How can you communicate with him when he had your phone cut off? 😁

Consequences of actions, really.

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 16:33

He's pushing boundaries and trying to exert control. He's now going to find out that by acting like a child he gets treated like a child. You can't hold him to his word so now he loses the privilege of being able to form an adult agreement.

None of this is on you. He dicked about with the payments, repeatedly, intentionally. His fault, now his problem

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2025 16:28

Message him telling him you have cancelled the direct debit for the broadband and that he either need to take over the payment or transfer the account to your name. I imagine he'll transfer it pretty quickly....

babasaclover · 06/02/2025 15:40

Evecob · 06/02/2025 14:34

Thank you for your message and advice.

I did call my current provider to get a new broadband but it kept getting cancelled because apparently you can only have 1 line to 1 house... he is keeping his address as mine and telling them he wants to keep his, so they refuse mine.

I will have to get a new provider. The only other issue us the contract in his name that im currently paying for ends in 2026 so its a hefty fee to cancel, so im guessing thats why he doesnt want to cancel it.

So sorry he is still controlling you emotionally, undoubtedly his aim here is to keep him firmly in your thoughts. Arsehole!

Re the broadband, EE currently offering up to £300 to get you out of current broadband supplier, this may help?

Best of luck you you x

Dotjones · 06/02/2025 15:38

It's never unreasonable to go through CMS, that's what they're for. The only reason you wouldn't is if the ex is voluntarily paying more than they have to and pay on time, every time. Some actually do, apparently, but for the majority of cases it's best to go through CMS.

jackstini · 06/02/2025 15:25

Good! And well done for putting in the boundaries

No reason at all for you to feel guilty for his behaviour!

Simplynotsimple · 06/02/2025 15:21

You did the right thing. I have a fairly amicable relationship with my ex, agreed for him to pay (far far) less than CMS would have him due to him being constantly in debt/me being in a luckier position of not desperately needing the money. He still flakes and needs reminding that the first of the month has yet again arrived. More expensive times of year such as Christmas he makes wishy washy remarks about ‘giving me more if I need it’ but of course that means having to straight up ask him. Any time he bungs me an extra £50 he’s so very pleased with himself - it’s still at least £250 less than he should be paying…

The point of this personal rant is, that if even an ex you can just about get along with plays silly buggers, you have little chance with an abusive arse who’s obviously playing controlling games. He needs a clear message that (as a PP said), you fuck around and find out. This is for your children, it’s not about playing around to personally mess with you.

Original poster
Evecob · 06/02/2025 15:13

BeatriceBest · 06/02/2025 14:38

YANBU for going to CMS, but I’m sure I’ve read on here that they do nothing about payments being late unless they’re over 5 days late? So you may still be in the same position (though £90 up).

Yeah thanks. At least there will be record of it and i wont have to chase or directly worry. Plus get what the children deserve, right? I feel foolish now for agreeing to less but i was/am trauma bonded... im doing so much better now being away from him, im happy and our kids are thriving.. but thst guilt is still there in the background. Trying not to let it get in the way of putting in boundaries ... which is whybwe are in the position we are now anyway... putting boundaries in!

OP posts:
Original poster
Evecob · 06/02/2025 15:09

jackstini · 06/02/2025 14:48

YADNBU

Have you amended council tax records to show he is not living there?

Yeah i have done this :) And adjusted all other bills to reduce now he isnt using up as much water and electricity.. he would game ALL the time so my electricity bill has dropped by £30!

OP posts:
FranticHare · 06/02/2025 15:00

Sod him. He's had chances, he's chosen not to take them.

You cannot be chasing maintenance every month - so perfectly fine to put in CMS's hands. His own fault he now needs to pay more - that is the consequence of him acting like a dick.

You need to sort out your broadband - he's chosen to ignore the subject, so if he ends up with a hefty cancellation fee it is again the consequence for acting like a dick.

Same goes for anything else that is in his name or he has access to. Cancel it, and set up stuff in your own name.

beAsensible1 · 06/02/2025 14:51

Just take out a new contract for the broadband.

If it’s not in your name you’re not responsible for paying it.

jackstini · 06/02/2025 14:48

YADNBU

Have you amended council tax records to show he is not living there?