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Original poster

To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

181 replies

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 05/02/2025 12:48

A new school may well compromise her GSCE choices, particularly if the schools are more problematic.

Ultimately, it should be her decision.

Flakeisanakedtwirl · 05/02/2025 12:47

BabyFever246 · 05/02/2025 11:38

DSD is year 9 ... so surely you should just ask her.

We're all going to be echoing this.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all OP, it's nice that both you and her dad are exploring all possible options.

Whoarethoseguys · 05/02/2025 12:46

stayathomer · 05/02/2025 12:07

It IS a mum against dad scenario. As a mum of someone said well how about your child goes to a better school but doesn’t live with you … can you not understand how devastating, how horrible a suggestion that is?!?! Would you have moved away from your mum as a child just because there was a better school somewhere else?!

That's not the same though. The child wouldn't be moving away from her mother to be in a better school. She is already in that school and presumably happy.
Moving to a new school at her age will be very difficult. It might not even offer the same subjects as DDs current school and it could lead to her doing less well than she would in her GCSEs.
I think both options would be difficult for her if she stays at her dad's in the week and her mum's at the weekend it will be difficult for her to socialise with her friends
If I was the mother I wouldn't take the new job 30 miles away and would hold on until the daughter had at least finished year 11

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/02/2025 12:46

I think what you are suggesting an option, a good one.

Ultimately though she's yr 9 and if it went to court they would take what she wanted in to consideration. I guess mum will need to look for a house and take DSD around schools which may have her excited or may make her want to stay where she is.

Lots of families move house and schools, it's just that there isn't normally another option for the child. I would have conversations with her Mum and your DSD about it.

Mum has done really well to go back to Uni and get herself in a better financial position so may actually need the time to settle in to her work place.

pennydroppedtoday · 05/02/2025 12:42

Mum needs to dk a two week driving crash course and learn to drive.

She can stay where she is

Dsd isn't disrupted and that's the main focus

Tortielady · 05/02/2025 12:42

DSD's Mum is understandably concerned that her relationship with her DD will be affected if DD is living in another city during the whole of the school week. Theoretically, she'd be with her Mum at the weekend. In practice, it's easy how that could become a moveable feast. DD's friends are all near where DF and DSM are and so are all/most of her study things and her favourite personal items. If she's going to work over the weekend while she's at her Mum's, she'll have to be super-organised by the standards of many teenagers. The every weekend arrangement could be very susceptible to slippage to every other weekend or even less.

That said, the feelings of the adults involved in this situation shouldn't trump those of a child, not least because she's at an age where she's old enough for a court to consider her opinions about her residence arrangements. Her schooling is very important and a judge would be concerned to avoid keeping the disruption to an absolute minimum.

Sherararara · 05/02/2025 12:40

Your suggestion is perfectly reasonable and of course she is within her rights to say no however it would appear she only thinking about what she wants. A reasonable approach all round would be to ask the child
what she wants to do, and support her with whatever she decides. She’s old enough to make her own decision. A logical starting point would be to trial it until say the end of the school year and discuss how you all feel at that point.

JudgeJ · 05/02/2025 12:40

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

A father is not allowed to have the same feeling? The situation outlined by the OP would have the mother with her daughter at the weekends and the school holidays, lots of fun time whereas the OP and her husband would see her little other than at breakfast and dinner, 5 days a week! He should not have to make the switch on both days just because the mother chooses to be unable to do so.

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 12:40

Circumferences · 05/02/2025 12:38

Can't the mum start this swanky new job after her child has finished her GCSEs? Why the hurry?

Needs SD as an additional income stream whilst she starts out?

crashbandicooty · 05/02/2025 12:40

Imagine if someone posted on here saying that their ex husband had told them that they had got a new job 30 miles away and so they were making a unilateral decision to move the shared child away to a new place and new school. If my ex husband said this to me I would laugh at him. The mum is being ridiculous. Get a different job, learn to drive, do one of many more sensible options than the one 'decided'.

Circumferences · 05/02/2025 12:38

Can't the mum start this swanky new job after her child has finished her GCSEs? Why the hurry?

BruceAndNosh · 05/02/2025 12:38

I agree with others that the maintenance due might be a factor

Original poster
Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 12:37

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

I think you've created your own narrative there. I don't think she's a bitch at all. I'm asking for alternatives perspectives that is all.

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/02/2025 12:35

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

What about what's best for her dd?
Does that count?
She already lives with dd and dsm 3 days a week what's another 2 days when so much disruption could be caused. Teenagers have enough going on.

JudgeJ · 05/02/2025 12:34

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Why does the mother, who is choosing to move away and have to send her to an inferior school, have more rights than the father who is as much a parent and with whom the child could stay in her current school for the next two vital years. It sounds like the mother has now decided that she doesn't need the extra support from the OP and her husband which has allowed her to advance her career and all that matters is what she wants, not the child.

BruceAndNosh · 05/02/2025 12:34

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Did I miss the post where the OP called the child's mother a bitch?

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 12:29

The selfishness of some people astounds me.

Your SD is going to really suffer if your husband doesn’t put his foot down. Clearly her mother’s expecting SD’s maintenance and benefits to subsidise her new career change with no thought to how horrible it’ll be to change cities at 14. What a cow.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/02/2025 12:28

MinnieBalloon · 05/02/2025 11:41

If I was the mum I wouldn’t even entertain the idea either.

Yeah cos mum's needs/wants are priority 🙄

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Whoarethoseguys · 05/02/2025 12:27

I think it should be up to the girl. But without any pressure at all put on her

ShaunaSadeki · 05/02/2025 12:25

Oh snap @Ablondiebutagoody!

ShaunaSadeki · 05/02/2025 12:25

Surely it would be cheaper for mum to learn to drive than to move house? I agree that the decision should be DDs really.

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/02/2025 12:23

I get why the Mum wants to live with daughter during the week but she should not be moving the daughter so far away from her father. Completely unreasonable. She needs to learn to drive and commute in the meantime. Can't be any more expensive than a house move.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/02/2025 12:22

Wow, nice to hear a sm being so lovely and pro sc on here.
It's pretty obvious what would be best for sc!!!
I think a move at teenage years would be pretty tough and should be avoided if necessary.
Dm doesn't own dc.
Good luck

BlessedDayToAll · 05/02/2025 12:20

ClairDeLaLune · 05/02/2025 12:13

Your suggestion is eminently sensible, and in the best interests of DSD. You sound like a great step-mum. Her mum is being really selfish and not thinking of the effect on her daughter, just of her own needs. Hopefully when she thinks about it more she will see reason. If not I guess you'll need to talk to DSD about what she’d prefer.

This exactly.

DSD will be choosing her GCSEs shortly. She may not be able to do what she’s chosen if she moves to another school. In addition, it may be harder to create a new friendship group when they’ve already been established.

Utterly irresponsible to move schools after Yr9 has started UNLESS it is completely unavoidable in terms of finances, housing, health etc. This is totally avoidable and DSD has a parent to live with that she already lives with 3 days a week anyway!

She’ll only be 30 miles away.

Sadly she probably won’t want to upset her Mum so will likely agree to move. Just make sure she knows you wanted her to stay with you OP.