To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

I think you need to be prepared to get an emergency court order to insist that BM either stays close by OR DSD moves with you. I do not think family court would say it is in DSD's best interests to be uprooted, contact time with Dad reduced and school changed.

Op is there any reason why the mother can’t learn to drive? It would be an easy fix for this issue.

Its only another 2 days a week so I think its a sensible suggestion. The alternative I assume, is her mother saying she will live with her during the week and then every weekend at yours? Or will you just not see DSD much again? Unless your DH is going to be driving her 30 miles each day, 3 days a week, to the new school and back?
with that in mind, DSD staying in the same school and living with you is more than reasonable.

If the train route is decent, is it something that a teenager could do one evening/morning independently? So travel to city after school, then back to school the next day?

IMO Year 9/10 is the worst age to move school, from a social point of view. Absolutely brutal for almost everyone I know who's experienced it. If I was Mum, I'd hate having DD weekends only, but if I trusted DD's dad and stepmum I'd agree because I'd put daughter's wellbeing first.

Seems like Mum has a choice to suck up the commute or go with your suggestion, both are better than moving schools. If her mum could drop her at school / put her on a train on a Monday morning then that’s 3 nights a week they would have together

Because a child in year 11 is more likely to say no to moving away from everything she knows than a child in year 9, and the mum wants the child-related benefits and maintenance to pay for her home whilst she’s starting out in her new career.

The mum is being really selfish.

This is what I was thinking. I think the mum is being really selfish and if it were me, I’d take a different job in the local area (even if it wasn’t in my preferred field) rather than having to uproot my DD just before her GCSEs.

Sorry everyone I read the thread totally wrong, still very difficult but can see both sides and can’t see how people can see a mum as being selfish for wanting her daughter to live with her but do think the mum shouldn’t move and should find a way to afford to commute

Or alternatively the mum could do an intensive driving course and just commute?

The main issue I can see with staying in her current school and with dad Mon-Fri is that she's reaching an age where she'll likely have local social activities at the weekend and friends she wants to see - meaning she won't want to spend her whole weekend with her mum. Say she was invited to a friend's birthday party on a Saturday - how would her mum take her there or collect her? I think you really need to involve your DSD in discussions.

The positive is that it's better this is happening now than during GCSEs. Whichever school she attends, it's important she has stability in those years. Presuming mum's new job is permanent? (or as permanent as any job can be). If a fixed term contract I think DSD would be better staying where she is.

I think you are being completely reasonable but it's very much up to the child really. I think that mum might eventually get on board but it's a hard situation for her. My daughter decided at 13 that she wanted to live with her dad (long story and no animosity) and I was devastated at first. But we've made it work and she's happy and I am happy that she's happy. It might just take some time. The thought of your child not wanting to live with you and someone one else providing for her and seeing her each day when you don't get to is so jarring to start with. It's important for everyone to keep in mind that it's really not about the adults, it's about the child and what is best for them.

What sucks about all this is that if SD is a people-pleaser and has already been primed by her mum to think this is what she wants, it’s what’s going to happen. Even though it’s clearly only what’s best for her mum.

OP your husband needs to refuse to change the school or contact schedule and get a prohibited steps order. They’ll need to go to mediation beforehand and as part of that he needs to ask for independent assessment of SD’s desires. You need to stand up for her here.

To add, my dd changed schools at the start of year 9 btw. But it was her choice as she wasn’t getting on at her old school. This is not the case for your dsd.

You can’t blame the mum for reacting that way. I couldn’t fathom being away from my child. I would also be very concerned that my child would think I’ve dumped them on their dad just for a new job. In reality the mum has grafted her way through uni to presumably be able to provide for her family- it’s a big decision to move but it’s clearly necessary in her case.
I’d also say that, although the daughter’s opinion should be taken into consideration, it’s a massive decision, and one that would be very stressful for a child of that age to take. She is old enough to be aware of and worry about the consequences and how it may affect her relationships.
I think my default for a girl of this age, who presumably has a normal relationship with her mum, should stay with her mum.

Don't be ridiculous, OP is not making her out to be a bitch. The mother doesn't have to 'tear her family apart', she could commute.

Some schools start GCSEs in year 9. I agree with you op. Is there any reason why the mum doesn’t drive? Doing a crash course, sucking it up and commuting by train in the interim sounds like the best option.

I’d do everything I could to NOT make my DD have to change schools, especially in year 9/10 which could cause a lot of disruption to her GCSE’s. Also has the potential to turn into a disaster if she struggles to make any new friends etc.

I’m surprised DSD doesn’t have more of an opinion on this. Mine would absolutely hate
the idea of a new school and would happily tell me so!

I think mum needs to really think about this for her daughters sake.

Does the child want to leave her friend? Her school? Her activities?
how will you have access 3 nights a week with that distance and the Mum not able to share the transport?

if the Mum cannot manage having her child with her due to her course, what is changing meaning she can do Monday-Friday school days?

You sound lovely and it's a thoughtful suggestion.

I think it's probably best for her to stay with her mother - it's such an important bond and she will need her. Her mother being more qualified and working in a better job is also better for her, not a selfish decision by the mother.

Moving is hard but a fact of life. If your DSD works hard and keeps her head, she can do well in her new school.

Don't make her choose! It would be painful for her. If she wants to express a preference to go to you, give her space to say so without prompting.

She will be happier and feel more secure if she feels you're all on the same side.

It's hard but she will be okay. Just support her as much as you can.

If your suggestion involves Monday am pick-up and Friday drop-off then it sounds reasonable, year 9 is generally a bad time to move as some schools start GCSE early so worth caution. I can imagine it sounds shocking when the mum had assumed she keeps her DD though.

To bring in a third option. If you draw up a map with school and mum's new work, is there any location where commuting would be doable by DSD 1 or 2 nights per week and by mum each day? Lots of places within 20 miles of here are under 30 min by train and under 1 hour by bus, while some take longer as options are not direct. Equally, if those areas have good schools then it might be an option to consider DD commuting from there to your house some days instead. Suggesting that mum look at other location options and other school options might take some heat out of it sounding like she is choosing between DD and work; once it's more clearly a discussion about what's best for their DD the conversation may be easier.

Moving school at any age is daunting but at 14 it will be utterly horrendous. All friendship groups will have already been established and she will feel so uncomfortable. This is so selfish of the mother. You all need to sit down together and talk it through. The mother needs to be reassured you're not trying to take her daughter away.

But it's fine for her to be taken away from her dad who currently has almost 50:50 care? Why are mum's feelings more important than his (and than the actual best interests of the child, which are unlikely to be best served by changing schools and moving away from her dad and her friends at that age)? Mum needs to think of someone other than herself in this scenario.