Page 4 | To think DSD should stay in her school and live with us?

Hadjab · 05/02/2025 14:05

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Absolute bollocks!

Original poster

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 14:00

OnceUponASausage · 05/02/2025 13:57

My friend’s ex got a prohibited steps order. She wanted to move their shared child 35 miles away. Court ruled in ex’s favour and he actually ended up with custody. This is despite 2 half siblings remaining with mum.

The court felt that uprooting the child (then 8 years old), changing schools, removing from dad’s local area wasn’t acting in child’s best interest, and outweighed keeping siblings together.

Many schools start GCSEs in year 9. Often they’ve taught some of the English texts before this and revisit them. Can’t see moving child at this stage would be seen as in her best interest.

Something to consider OP.

Edited

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That is useful information thank you. I think it would be an absolute last resort for us but is good to know options.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 13:58

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 13:55

Obviously it’s up to you but why on earth wouldn’t you go to court to stop this?

It only benefits the mum. The SD will be disadvantaged at a worse school, with less time with her dad and you (her equal/main carers), further from her friends and any clubs (with no way for her mum to get her to them), it’s worse for your husband due to less time with her as well as the fuel/car/time in transporting her, it’ll be worse for any little siblings she has at your house as they’ll miss her, worse for you as your household will have to pay more maintenance as well as your husband being out driving more.

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I don't know, the thought of it just makes me feel horrible. We've never had to resort to anything like that before and I worry how that in itself would impact DSD.

I don't know how DH feels about that though so once he has spoken again to DSD Mum then I suppose it's something we could discuss.

OP posts:

OnceUponASausage · 05/02/2025 13:57

Wolfhat · 05/02/2025 11:47

Absolutely a sensible suggestion. I can see why the mum would be dead against it but I can also see why the dad would be dead against her moving and he could possible get a prohibited steps order to prevent the move as it would disrupt established contact.

I can imagine this will be very fraught and I applaud you for not turning to the child and saying what do you want yet as it could put her in a very difficult position and hurt relationships.

However, year 9 is old enough to have a voice if handled correctly. I would propose to mum that they agree on an independent, family therapist to speak 1 on 1 with the child, reassure her and get her true thoughts and feelings. Then to work with mum and dad to mediate as they put their childs wants first.

If she point blank refuses he can raise the specter of prohibited steps. It may not be granted as she does need to find work but it wouldn't be pleasant for either party and would delay things so dont turn it into a fight and lets get a therapist in.

My friend’s ex got a prohibited steps order. She wanted to move their shared child 35 miles away. Court ruled in ex’s favour and he actually ended up with custody. This is despite 2 half siblings remaining with mum.

The court felt that uprooting the child (then 8 years old), changing schools, removing from dad’s local area wasn’t acting in child’s best interest, and outweighed keeping siblings together.

Many schools start GCSEs in year 9. Often they’ve taught some of the English texts before this and revisit them. Can’t see moving child at this stage would be seen as in her best interest.

Something to consider OP.

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 13:55

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 13:48

I think if her Mum point blank refuses to consider her being with us more we will just have to go along with as I just can't see a situation where we go to court.

I agree with your point about setting a good example by going to university but it stings a bit that just because she's her Mum and not Dad then in reality she gets to make big decisions that effect lots of people and thats that.

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Obviously it’s up to you but why on earth wouldn’t you go to court to stop this?

It only benefits the mum. The SD will be disadvantaged at a worse school, with less time with her dad and you (her equal/main carers), further from her friends and any clubs (with no way for her mum to get her to them), it’s worse for your husband due to less time with her as well as the fuel/car/time in transporting her, it’ll be worse for any little siblings she has at your house as they’ll miss her, worse for you as your household will have to pay more maintenance as well as your husband being out driving more.

Nosleepforthismum · 05/02/2025 13:54

Mum is being extremely selfish. Either wait until a job comes up nearby or take the OP up on her offer. No thought at all about what is best for her DD.

Auldlang · 05/02/2025 13:52

@Sushu it's not that key though. Year 10 it would be.

Auldlang · 05/02/2025 13:51

I wouldn't entertain it either if I was her. Year 9 isn't a crazy time to move. I get that she has no more absolute right to decide for her daughter than her dad does, but if I was her I'd be making you take me to court. I don't think the mum moving for a job is a great excuse for the dad trying to grab more time if he hasn't before.

Sushu · 05/02/2025 13:51

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 05/02/2025 13:40

YABU - The mother has gone to university to improve her opportunities. That is great example for her daughter. Families move all of the time because one parent or the other can't get employment or get a too good to miss opportunity elsewhere.

I can't believe how many people are judging the mother to be selfish. Tall poppies.

Families do move all the time. The issue is that it’s a key time in the daughter’s education and she is at a delicate age.
The other issue is that families who move as a unit are very different to families who have parents living apart.
Of course the mum bettering herself, working hard and improving life for her and her daughter is to be admired and congratulated. There are other options though. The job is only 30 miles away. There may well be an option where the status quo remains but mum commutes to her new job.

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 05/02/2025 13:49

mikado1 · 05/02/2025 13:44

Or learning to drive. She'd be mad to move her for 30m.

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Yep agreed. Updated comment just before. This is really the only sensible answer (assuming she is medically ok to drive).

Sushu · 05/02/2025 13:48

Ceramiq · 05/02/2025 13:44

While I agree that it would be better for DSD to stay put for now, given the information on the thread, I expect her mother is worried that she will never live with her DD again apart from at weekends and in the school holidays...

It sounds like she is worried about that but maybe the father is worried about that too?

Regardless of their feelings, it has to be what’s best for the DD.
It seems a much more simple solution if the mum is able to learn to drive via an intensive crash course. 30 miles isn’t really that far and it must be a huge expense to move for a job.

Original poster

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 13:48

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 05/02/2025 13:40

YABU - The mother has gone to university to improve her opportunities. That is great example for her daughter. Families move all of the time because one parent or the other can't get employment or get a too good to miss opportunity elsewhere.

I can't believe how many people are judging the mother to be selfish. Tall poppies.

I think if her Mum point blank refuses to consider her being with us more we will just have to go along with as I just can't see a situation where we go to court.

I agree with your point about setting a good example by going to university but it stings a bit that just because she's her Mum and not Dad then in reality she gets to make big decisions that effect lots of people and thats that.

OP posts:

Billydavey · 05/02/2025 13:47

Ceramiq · 05/02/2025 13:44

While I agree that it would be better for DSD to stay put for now, given the information on the thread, I expect her mother is worried that she will never live with her DD again apart from at weekends and in the school holidays...

A fate that happens to many fathers without them getting much sympathy.

she moves away to further her career (well done for doing that), she loses time with her daughter.

Ceramiq · 05/02/2025 13:44

While I agree that it would be better for DSD to stay put for now, given the information on the thread, I expect her mother is worried that she will never live with her DD again apart from at weekends and in the school holidays...

mikado1 · 05/02/2025 13:44

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 05/02/2025 12:00

The daughter is currently in Y9, that means she’d be starting a new school in a new city at the beginning of Y10. That’s the start of GCSE’s. So it’d be extremely disruptive for her all round, poor girl.

I understand the mums misgivings but she has to put her daughter first.

And in this instance it means either commuting each day (DD staying in same school), or living with dad in the week (staying in same school).

For Y11-12, things can be re considered.

It’s not fair to ask the child what do You want, of course that’s be difficult as it’s mum or dad to her. A gentle discussion about pros and cons with her mum and dad. Hopefully they can be grown ups.

Or learning to drive. She'd be mad to move her for 30m.

Sushu · 05/02/2025 13:41

User0103 · 05/02/2025 12:27

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for her?

From her side - she has worked really hard to improve her financial situation for her family, which she now has to tear apart to have a job.And you are making her out to be such a bitch.
If course she wants her child to live with her.

Can’t you even pretend to muster up some compassion for the child? Her life and her education and her wellbeing are paramount.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2025 13:40

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 13:22

I honestly don't know the answer to that. It's just never been something she has done.

Maybe DH could discuss this option with her. As whatever happens wherever she lives whether that be with us or with Mum 30 miles away DH and I are going to need to do all the driving to get her where she needs to be.

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That makes your dsd’s mum look rather selfish. And on that basis, I think I’d refuse to allow it. The only person benefitting here is the mum to the detriment of you, your dh and your dsd.

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 05/02/2025 13:40

YABU - The mother has gone to university to improve her opportunities. That is great example for her daughter. Families move all of the time because one parent or the other can't get employment or get a too good to miss opportunity elsewhere.

I can't believe how many people are judging the mother to be selfish. Tall poppies.

Screamingabdabz · 05/02/2025 13:39

I think the mother is totally selfish to make her dd change schools at year 9. It’s such a crucial point in secondary. And such an upheaval. Poor kid. Thank goodness she’s got a supportive step mum like you.

ThatGladTiger · 05/02/2025 13:38

Different opinion here, it’s not the end of the world for a child to move schools in year 9. Many many do it and are fine.

You are only going to get one answer if you ask a year 9 if they want to leave school and their friends.

If there are no issues with her being at mums I wouldn’t suggest changing her main home.

Though it looks like you will have to do more driving 🤨

Wemaybebetterstrangers · 05/02/2025 13:37

Unless there’s a medical reason preventing it, the mum needs to learn to drive. That way she does the job she’s worked for, and the daughter stays with her, and doesn’t move schools in GCSE years. You two don’t need to do all the driving. Surely it’s the only satisfactory answer for all concerned?

The mum might hate the idea, but soon enough she’ll wonder how she ever lived without the convenience.

Onlyvisiting · 05/02/2025 13:35

It's not just the school is it, presumably mum is intending dad to lose his contact time during the school week? Or is she expecting the same days? It's not reasonable for her to avoid an inconvenient commute for herself and just pass all that responsibility along to the dad. She should be doing 50% of the transport.

JLou08 · 05/02/2025 13:33

Changing my child's school would be an absolute last resort for me, especially secondary school. It's difficult for you as it is the mum here who needs to prioritise her daughter. She needs to give her daughter the option of living with you and her dad. The option needs to be given without her having any feelings of guilt that influence her decision.

BeatriceBest · 05/02/2025 13:30

You really need to act fast here OP and stop being so passive. Speak to a solicitor today and get a court order prohibiting the move.

The mum will be influencing SD every day. Delaying increases the risk that they move, SD is really miserable in a new town isolated from her friends and your house, your husband is driving back and forth repeatedly every week and it all badly affects SD’s GCSE years and whole future.

And if she moves, she needs to do the transporting. Which she can’t, so she can’t move.

Billydavey · 05/02/2025 13:25

Orangelight23 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Happy to be told DH and I are being unreasonable here just come on for a different perspective really.

DSD is in year 9, she stays with us 3 days a week ( quite often more as Mum has been doing an intense Uni course) and we live walking distance from her school. Her Mum has recently graduated and cannot get a job in her field in the city we live in. She has been offered a job in a city 30 miles away.

Her Mum put it to DH that the only way she can get work is to move cities and DSD will go with her and move schools. She has enquired with some schools in the city. Upon researching them they don't have great reputations and don't appear to be as good as the school DSD is currently in.

DSD does seem fine with the suggestion of moving but she is a bit of a people pleaser and does tend to just go along with stuff.

We have suggested that DSD stay in the school she's in and live with us during the week. DH is happy to drop her off with Mum Friday night and collect Sunday night. Mum could then have DSD whatever school holidays she wants. Then after DSD has finished year 11 they can discuss if she would rather go to sixth form near Mum or near us.

Her Mum has hit the roof and said this is a ridiculous suggestion and it's absurd that a child wouldn't live with their Mum. She won't even entertain the idea.

Are we really being so unreasonable?

Not unreasonable and a mum suggesting this if the dad moved away would have pretty much total support on here