Teetotal but made to feel like a freak

Agree, heavy drinkers/alcoholics are usually attracted to each other and if this becomes normal in their friendship groups it usually doesn’t end well. I met Richard Harris in the Coal Hole pub on the Strand in London not long before he died, although friendly, he could hardly focus or speak, it was very sad to see.

Can I ask a question? If you're a teetotaler, why are you with a HEAVY drinker when you yourself has witnessed family members become alcoholic? How do you square this with your choice of partner, who is basically an alcoholic himself!?? This is not a one or two a week guy, this is an over the drinking unit every day guy, and worse on weekends! He's an alcoholic! So much for you being teetotal, you haven't avoided it at all, in fact, you chose to be with one.

Just to go slightly off at a tangent - think of Oliver Reed, Richard Harris, Peter O'toole, Richard Burton - while famous as actors they were perpetually booze-soaked wrecks who became even more notorious for their drunken antics, often involving the prospect of violence and doubtless immense regret when they sobered up.

Oliver Reed actually died in a pub after a heavy drinking session with a bunch of fellow boozers.

I bet they all started out "social drinkers" and probably laughed at non-drinkers.

So he’s a heavy drinker, because that amount of alcohol is heavy drinking, you don’t drink and you’ve been thinking you are incompatible for a while even though you’ve only been together a few months? I’m not sure why his friends are the problem here, just end it.

Tbf, not really friends either 😂
I couldn’t spend time with people like this. DP is T-total & so only ever offered soft drink options. Family make a point of getting whatever he likes in for family events. In conversation with people who don’t know it’s usually the offer of a drink, and then a brief explanation - I don’t drink. And always respond with ‘ah cool, good for you’.

You probably just need some whitty clapbacks. ‘Yep, just the sparkling water for me thanks Wino-Wendy’.

’Oh, yes, his friendship choices surprise me too at times’

I actually can’t see how you can be in a relationship with him , and if he’s been drinking like this for years he likely is an alcoholic , albeit one that functions . I’m teetotal and I would have no interest in a relationship with someone where their social life revolves around drinking / the pub .

If I was sober I'd find it difficult to be around someone who is clearly dependent on alcohol. Anyone who drinks daily is.
Surely it's no fun hanging out with him and his mates as they get progressively more pissed?
If you really don't mind that then fair enough. You're stronger than me! But either leave or just ignore it when they mention your drinking habits.

I'm in my sixties now and I do raise a laugh when asked why I'm not having a drink, as I usually answer "I'm pregnant" 😊

Sadly I don't think your relationship has a future. It's not only his friends who clearly regard alcohol as a major part of their friendships, your "partner" is clearly drinking an unhealthy amount himself. I'd suggest it's time to walk away.

I'm tee-total too and I actively chose a low alcohol drinking partner decades ago when I was dating. First boyfriend was a drinker and it just didn't work out. So after ditching him (not only for his drinking) I regarded level of alcohol consumption a factor in future dating. My OH (of 40 years) does drink, but very moderately and can happily take it or leave it, and is happy to socialise and do activities that don't involve alcohol, or to drink soft drinks with me at social events.

It feels like this isn't the relationship for you. especially if you have experienced alcohol addiction from those close to you and your new partner is a heavy drinker.

I don't drink and none of my friends and family have ever had a problem with it. In fact quite a few of them have stopped drinking in recent years.

Yeah I agree with others. I do actually enjoy a drink (or several) but this sounds quite extreme. Especially if you're teetotal! Your social lives are never going to be compatible and you will just end up resenting each other...

I’m teetotal as I can’t drink. Never have been able to and it’s got much worse since I reached middle age. Literally after two mouthfuls all my joints burn with inflammation. Just found out recently it’s linked to my hEDS condition. Like you I have suffered years of sniping comments & jokes even though I’ve explained it’s medical and I’ve never cared or commented on what others drink and it’s often ruined going out for me. Husband likes it though as he always has a driver! Although he’s not a big drinker and I don’t think I could be with a heavy drinker as going out priorities tend to be centred around getting in as many drinks as possible which is obviously quite boring for people like us.

I think you’re completely incompatible especially with his social group who sound rude. If people can’t accept you don’t drink then they’re not worth bothering with. I don’t know why some drinkers feel personally offended by someone not drinking, all those comments are so tiresome & boring.

I find this rather amusing. Not the OPs legitimate concerns around partners alcohol intake, but the belief that middle aged folks don’t drink like younger people do. It tends to be more in your face with younger folks, bars, staggering around in streets. But some older folks think nothing of downing a bottle of wine a night, have more of an interest in “real ales” and whilst not frequenting bars and boozers, think nothing of pickling themselves behind the privacy of their own doors. You only have to look in the supermarket trolley of a certain age group or a glance in the recycling glass bin to get some idea of the imbibe.

I wouldn’t want to be with a heavy drinker. It’s literally peeing money down the loo, a statistic waiting to happen and alcohol fuelled people are usually very boring.

DH and I used to run my in laws' pub when they took holidays. You could almost always tell the problem drinkers by the fact that would pressure us to drink with them. Running the pub was hard work and, while we did enjoy a drink, you can't drink every night and then get up the next day for a long hard working day, at least we couldn't.

Mid FIFTIES? Urgh. At this age (I'm 55) I know a lot of people who don't drink any more because the physical damage is much more immediate and hard to take, alongside all the ones who have stopped for good due to a health crisis, and all those who have never drunk for all sorts of reasons. Therefore i have to assume that this lot are unusually dependent.

Tbh it sounds insanely boring to spend your leisure time hanging out with a bunch of problem drinkers.

First reply nails it.

When I read your ages I was very surprised. I’d have expected people in their 50’s to be a bit more mature re a person’s choice to drink alcohol or not.

From your posts it seems that your boyfriend’s life (I wouldn’t call him a partner at this early stage) rather revolves around alcohol, considering that he drinks quite a lot every night and more again at the weekend.

As a fellow lifelong teetotaler (who has never had to put up with derogatory comments about it) I couldn’t envisage spending my time with someone who was so committed to drinking, not to mind having to tolerate negative comments from his friends, so my advice would be to end the relationship. You can do much better!!!

People like to surround themselves with similar people, to normalise their behaviour. Echochambers and filter bubbles, so they can sleepwalk through life. Your agency and sobriety, challenge their group think.

You date in the early days to have fun, over the next few months you start to work out if your lifestyles are compatible. Yours aren't. You have trauma associated with alcohol that means you are never going to be comfortable with it. Him and his mates like a drink. You are always going to be butting heads on this

My DH rarely drinks, will often do the driving when we are on a night out, my friends are very grateful if he'll pick them up or drop them home. They don't comment. And will adjust the bill if he's not been drinking and we've been walloping them back. We'll also cut evenings short sometimes, as it's dull being the only non drinker, and that's OK too.

His friends are dicks.

I wouldn't be getting into judgement things here ('he drinks so is obviously alcohol dependent' type stuff).

You are clearly incompatible, I'd call it quits now.

Oh gosh, I thought you were going to say early 20s. They sound like they're having a mid life crisis. This isn't normal op, to be drinking to excess and most days like this is worrying. Does your dp have depression/job stress? Is he using this as some sort of coping mechanism? Has he always drank to this level? Therapy is needed here, before his liver packs in. Organ failure is no joke.

The judgement isn't uncommon. It happens less than it used to but I still get jabby comments from people from time to time.

I couldn't care less, but if it were from people I was around all the time, I wouldn't put up with that.