Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about the amount of bereavement leave a colleagues has been given

332 replies

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 06:53

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

The problem is we are a very small team and she has been off for a month. She is now about to come back but has an agreed phased return in place that will last another month and the rest of us in the team are having to cover an awful lot that we simply don't have the capacity for. We have a lot of responsibilities that, from upper management, all need to be prioritised so everyone is now having to squeeze in a lot more to accommodate this colleague's leave and it has been incredibly difficult. Several staff have acrewed significant TOIL which my manager will not approve for them to take back yet because we are so short staffed.

The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us.
I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

OP posts:
HairyToity · 05/02/2025 07:26

I had a colleague signed off for three months after her mum died. She'd been with company nearly 20 years, and had been extremely close to her mum. If she'd been a newbie I would have eye rolled, but I knew it'd been very sudden and taken it out of her, and she was a good egg. It depends on situation.

Zanatdy · 05/02/2025 07:24

Ours is 5 days and I think it’s pretty bad. Of course colleagues can get signed off if they need longer, and many do, for a lot longer than a month. It is rubbish you’ve all got extra work to do, but I guess that’s team work. It’s pretty mean to complain you think a month is too long to take off when you lose a parent. I only took 5 days but that’s me, i’d prefer to be busy, for others it would break them going back to work a week later. Have a little compassion.

Bigfellabamboo · 05/02/2025 07:23

You sound utterly unkind and uncaring.
If you're so overworked stop trying to pick up the slack and let it fall down so management can see what is unworkable.
Don't be a martyr. It benefits only management in the situation be abuse you're allowing it.

Franjipanl8r · 05/02/2025 07:21

Not being able to adequately cover or resource a staff member off for a month with a phased return is just bad management. Tell them you need a temp to take up some of the slack.

Inmydreams88 · 05/02/2025 07:21

Disgusting post.

Greywhippet · 05/02/2025 07:21

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 06:53

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

The problem is we are a very small team and she has been off for a month. She is now about to come back but has an agreed phased return in place that will last another month and the rest of us in the team are having to cover an awful lot that we simply don't have the capacity for. We have a lot of responsibilities that, from upper management, all need to be prioritised so everyone is now having to squeeze in a lot more to accommodate this colleague's leave and it has been incredibly difficult. Several staff have acrewed significant TOIL which my manager will not approve for them to take back yet because we are so short staffed.

The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us.
I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

YABU YABU YABU
The conversation is about workload distribution not about your poor colleague

LordEmsworth · 05/02/2025 07:20

You haven't mentioned how you coped when your mum died, OP. Was 3 days about right to get it over with and crack on with normal life?

Catza · 05/02/2025 07:20

You anger is misplaced. People take leave, sabbatical or are suddenly sick for a very long time. We've recently had someone off for 6 months. I know there is the difference in NHS services and in acute setting it would be hugely impactful on staff. But that's what locums and agency are for. And, as far as I know, nobody is ever forced to stay longer or take on extra work. They asked, you agreed. If you didn't want to do it then you shouldn't have.

gamerchick · 05/02/2025 07:19

Ah dude you're going to look like a heartless dick if you put it like that. I was off for 2 weeks when my bairn died, went back for a week and had to use AL for another 2 weeks off. The thought that this was begrudged to the point of being complained about would have made me feel worse than I did.

Focus on being short staffed.

Daschund1 · 05/02/2025 07:19

If I found out you'd complained I'd be very upset. How nasty!

PriOn1 · 05/02/2025 07:19

Three days bereavement leave for someone as close as a mother is inhumane, especially if there were circumstances that make it difficult.

A month is perfectly reasonable. It’s one month out of your colleagues entire career.

It’s obvious to me that it’s the chronic understaffing that’s the problem, as it is for my job in the civil service.

In fact, the understaffing is perhaps part of the reason she needs a month off and phased return.

Complain about the understaffing. Don’t involve your poor colleague or imply she needs less time. I imagine your manager might have given extra bereavement leave to avoid the hassle created if your colleague had to take the time off sick instead.

BarbaraHoward · 05/02/2025 07:18

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:56

YABVU to complain about someone’s bereavement leave

YANBU to discuss workload and understaffing with your manager

Exactly. You'd be in the same boat if she was signed off sick. It's no odds to you what way her leave is recorded. Just be glad she's getting support from her employer at a difficult time, you may need the same some day.

But YANBU at all to raise the issue of your workload.

Whyherewego · 05/02/2025 07:18

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 07:03

She's not been signed off sick, I log the leave and it's specifically bereavement leave.

I'd just check your policy. At ours you can have up to 3 weeks bereavement leave. Beyond that is compassionate leave.
Check with your manager then maybe saying are you sure it's still bereavement leave as she's had over 3 weeks

LBFseBrom · 05/02/2025 07:18

I think you would be very mean to do that. Suck it up, it's not forever.

Lightswitchup · 05/02/2025 07:17

What would you be wanting to achieve OP? That they cancel the phased return? This isn’t going to happen. Honestly it would not go well for you.

SagittariusDwarf · 05/02/2025 07:17

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:59

In retrospect I wish I had taken more time to grief after deaths and also after other traumatic experiences, instead of rushing back to work to please others.

Same

AgnesX · 05/02/2025 07:16

A phased return sounds like sick leave.

Not sure what complaining about that will achieve. A positive conversation about rejigging the workload would be better.

amlie8 · 05/02/2025 07:16

You don't know the details. My family, we took 2-3 months off work when my mum died. We didn't really tell people that she had killed herself.

You clearly need temp support but 'complaining about bereavement leave' and picking at how long your colleague has had, as if she's having a cheeky holiday, is not ok.

LlynTegid · 05/02/2025 07:16

Complain about the lack of cover or staff, not the reason why someone is not at work.

BananaSpanner · 05/02/2025 07:15

Will people read what the OP is saying. She knows its bereavement and not sick because she has to log it.
However there is something unethical about being privy to the absence information of colleagues at the same level as you that also work alongside you.

You need to complain about the lack of cover not the amount of leave which will have been discussed with line manager and there will be information you don’t know about. Perhaps line manager is being generous because they think it will help return them to the work place faster than if they go to the doc and get signed off long term.

Elmo2025 · 05/02/2025 07:15

how awful you are to judge someone’s bereavement after losing their mum. Ask for more help from management but do NOT make it about your colleague.

rainydaysandrainbows · 05/02/2025 07:15

SchoolDilemma17 · 05/02/2025 06:56

YABVU to complain about someone’s bereavement leave

YANBU to discuss workload and understaffing with your manager

This comment sums up the situation perfectly

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 05/02/2025 07:15

My equivalent in our team (NHS) got a month. We met to discuss who would “step up” to her role with my support, and how they would be covered in return and work redistributed. My manager is both compassionate and sensible. We made it work.

As previous posters have said, it’s a workload issue not a bereavement leave issue. Frame it as that. Ask for a locum or secondment or bank staff.

Giraff3 · 05/02/2025 07:15

God help the day it happens to you! 3 days for an immediate family member loss is not nearly enough! Even more so if you have to sort there house out, contact suppliers to let them know, arrange a funeral and process the loss yourself!

If your not happy, then raise it directly with your manager instead of moaning on here!!, not have resentment against your poor colleague!!

Shame on you!

DustyLee123 · 05/02/2025 07:14

You need to let it go, it’s none of your business what management approve, it wouldn’t look good on you.
Believe me, I feel your pain as I’ve got similar with my manager. She’s had so much time off I wonder how she can keep her job, as we’ve been managing well enough without her.