Should DH have offered?

Op, you do a relentless job.
Your husband is not a slacker but can't be as flexible as a SAHD.
Your resentful disposition needs attention. Find an enjoyable hobby, job - paid or unpaid or sport for a couple of half days per week.
Pay someone to care for your children or use respite care for that time.Your disabled child is a life long commitment that needs to be sustainable.
Now that SD is 5, can you transition him into more paid care and education? Make time for your work if you want your career back.

I would also instigate a weekly relax for you, your DH and children where you can chill out for a couple of hours and forget about hardships. A botanical garden nearby? An aunt who loves help in her garden? A beach to walk along?

It would not have gone down well at his work if he had been off to look after his family who essentially had a cold. The doctor thing makes it harder, as he would directly impact patients and other staff.

If you just wanted him to offer, this is probably a male/female difference. My DH would never offer something that couldn't happen, it just wouldn't occur to him! He would want me to ask directly if needed, or get on with it.

The rest of it sounds tough. He really needs to work less, presumably lots of it is on call. You really need a break, either by him stepping up or some sort of respite.

You were unreasonable to ask him to cancel work at short notice for a cold, you would not be unreasonable to divorce him as he doesn't seem to bring anything to your relationship or family unit except money.

It's not a competition, but I was married to a junior doctor back when the hours were way more than 70 per week. Plus the study for exams on top. And the 6 months on the other side of the world for an elective! I knew from day one what it involved, and it was one of the reasons why we never had children - I also knew that I would have to do everything. You didn't know you would have a disabled child, but you still chose to have 2 babies when you knew how the medical profession works. Yes, it is hard as the spouse but, honestly, what did you expect? As he goes up the career ladder, use his money to pay for as much help as you can get!

I am sorry you feel unwell and unsupported but your husband cannot take time off willy nilly.

You need help, op, think about hiring someone to support you at home, it will make such a difference.

It sounds like she expected him to follow through on the big promises he made in order to convince her to have a second child close behind the first. He made promises while he was a doctor, while he knew what his priorities were and then he went back on them. She is more than entitled to be pissed off and hurt about it.

It sounds like she's unexpectedly and unwillingly a SAHM to a disabled child, with another close in age, and she is burnt out, resentful, and feels like her husband has no empathy for her. Give her a break. because her husband isn't going to

The 'oooh he's a doctor' vibes here are incredible. The OP is on her knees and, not wanting to put too fine a point on it, there are very sad stories in the news of what women have done when pushed to the brink looking after a disabled child(ren) with no emotional support. Yes thw husband here works and provides but there is no emotional support.

OP, in your DH's mind, offering to be off when he knows you won't accept probably does feel pointless. It's clear you just need the sympathy and empathy. Have a think of alternate ways it would make you feel appreciated and then let your DH know what you would like him to say when you are at the end of your rope.

Sometimes people just need to have some relationship phrase guidelines.

On a more practical front is there any way at all you can seek respite care support? All too often people who are perceived to be 'middle class' and well off are unsupported emotionally and physically. Perhaps you could haul yourself to the GP with your children and bluntly tell them you are on your knees and need support. Ask for a referral for community support (so you don't randomly leave with a prescription for anti-depressants). Good luck and I hope you feel better from your cold soon.

Op is an adult and could have said no.

It’s unreasonable for you to ask him to stay home to look after people with colds when he’s looking after life or death situations every day. It is not unreasonable to ask for extra support and to get him to pay for it. Respite care, cleaners, food delivery service, etc. and you should.

Can he not ask for consideration to be given for this next move? He has a disabled child and needs to be within 30 mins? Like a reasonable adjustment request? Agree in looking for some respite too. I feel for you OP, it sounds incredibly tough. But your DH doesn’t have a job you can just say you’re not going in as wife and DC have colds (in fact, not many do for that as whilst its rubbish, it’s not anything you’d grant emergency dependant leave for). Do you have any family who can help? Can you afford some paid help?

It doesn’t sound like she was given much choice about the SAHM role. And was pressured into having the second.

I agree that in this case he couldn't stay home. But I suspect it's the old story that for women doctors their children come first and for men doctors their work comes first.

This.

I was raised that one doesn't miss work except for dire circumstances. My father never called off work until he had heart surgery at age 60. Not once.

You are marri3e to a doctor, OP - of course his career comes first! What else did you expect?
How is "offering" to do something that he physically and practically can't do going to be of any use?
Start exploring getting some additional support with your disabled child (paid or voluntary) and let your poor husband do his job.

Because they dont get a choice where he moves to

As he moves every 6 months anyway why don't you move to somewhere you'll have a bit of support from friends/family etc.

I've been up all night with my two so I truly sympathise, but you said yourself you would have told him to go in anyway so would have been pointless him "offering" and you both know it.
I personally would invest every bit of spare family money in whatever it takes to make your life easier. Cleaner and any other paid help. You said you're going above and beyond to make nice lunches for him- stop that. Not out of spite but because you need to conserve your energy. It won't hurt him to grab a meal deal at work or en route now and then.
Let this be a wake up call for you both- this was just a cold and you feel rotten enough. Explain that the way you are carrying on you risk burning yourself out and making yourself seriously ill so he needs to be on board with paid help for the household x

I do have some sympathy with you op, when I was a SAHM I did find it difficult that however sick I was I could never have a day off and just go to bed while of course DH could take a sick day from work and spend it in bed.

I would never have expected him to take a day off work though, I just came to view it as one of the negatives of being a SAHM but it was outweighed by the many positives.

Couldn’t have said better than this

Don't apologise, explain.

What's your gut feeling? Does he appreciate how difficult your life is and how trapped you feel? Is he rushing home at the end of a shift or eking out every last minute out of the house?

You say he's moving every six months, does that mean he's still training? Is there a point in the near future where that will ease?

Definitely stop with the making his lunches stuff. Take that time for yourself, even if it's just to stare into the void for a minute over the washing up. He can make his own lunch and do his own laundry.

Do you get any respite at all, from anyone?

I don’t want to put a dampener on how you feel. I have poor health and looking after myself let alone my dd was a big struggle when she was young. I also resented my dh a lot. However, I can also see it from your dh’s POV. He’s providing well and driving 3 hours a day. He must be shattered as well. It’s understandable he’s not doing much. I think respite care or carers to take the stress off is the way forward. I imagine you get DLA and possibly carer’s allowance. Idk how it works for dependent children.

I think that Op has had some harsh responses .Op is exhausted , lonely and probably under appreciated
It is difficult to look after children without disabilities let alone a severely disabled child .
I am sure Op appreciates the fact that her dh is doing an important job and is providing for the family. However, let us not forget that Op has sacrificed her career and hobbies to look after the children . Op is doing an important job too
I am going to be honest, personally I think working a seventy hour week is preferable to staying at home and raising two young children one of who is severely disabled .
Dh!s life ( though stressful) has not changed.
Op’s life has changed completely , yet she is being told that she should basically put up with it because her dh is a great provider
Op, you need a break . This could mean hiring someone to come and take care of the kids once a week . Obviously it would be someone who has experience of working with disabled children .
If you fall sick due to stress , your dh wouldn’t be able to work the hours he does .
Both of you need to talk

Do you have anything out of the house that is for you? Even if it’s just an hour for a coffee and some head space.

This sounds like he's still training. Is that the case? Things will get easier if so.

Op I say this gently, but you are not a martyr and don’t become one. You won’t get any gold stars for flogging yourself half to death and sacrificing your entire life like this.

A cleaner and a part time carer could transform your life. Have you considered doing this? And if not, why not?

You are going to become bitter, resentful and horrible company before long op and then your marriage will fail as well. So please do this for you, do it for your family and stop doing everything. You are one person. And your health and happiness matters as well.