Should DH have offered?

I think if you hadn't said what career he was in you would have got other responses - being a doctor seems a trump card here. I've seen any number of times when people expect WOHP in other roles to stay at home/abandon work etc but never doctors...

That said i wouldn't expect someone not to go to (any) work in this situation and i think he was trying to be supportive (i assume he meant its better when he works a night shift generally as i assume there is more chance that you get support when the kids are awake/more chance the kids sleep when you are on your own .
I do think you need to have back up child care though- what happens if you were seriously sick? if you had to go to hospital- either for your self or for one child? most jobs do allow carer leave - i assume his doesn't or if it does he won't take it? leta lone as others say just needing some respite

Your husband can’t stay home from work because you have a cold. You need his job to live on so it important that he keeps hold of it.

How long until your DC starts school?
Is getting a cleaner and some respite and option? Where are your family? Grandparents? Can they help out?

Sending sympathy, agree there have been some very harsh responses.
It's not that you wanted him to stay home - I think you just wanted him to recognise and more importantly vocalise how crap it is for you and that ideally you need some help. Even if he'd said 'oh love, I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly. I wish I could stay off and sort the kids so you can go to bed'.
I'm a doctor and I'm assuming based on his rotations he's probably reg level? This bit is absolutely crap and miserable for all concerned. It gets significantly better when you get to consultant level - how many more years is that for him? It's a horrible treadmill for the reg years (I stepped out of training then), but worth him pushing through them as quickly as possible, but I'd be having a conversation with him about him then going part-time as a consultant and you returning to work so you both get a break. His response to that will be telling! Doesn't solve the immediate or short term problem - for that, I agree with others, worth looking at respite, cleaner, etc etc. I appreciate money may well be tight, make sure he is doing all the right things in terms of professional expenses being claimed back on tax. And I would also suggest he talks to the TPD about commute distance given his severely disabled child (although I know that may be v dependent on his speciality and so on).
Hope you're feeling better.

Absolutely you need to pay for some additional respite or support. It's really unfair that your career has been scrapped and I can imagine how resentful you'd feel. But agree that expecting him to offer to stay home from a medical role because you're ill is totally unrealistic.

Sounds like you're stuck in a martyrdom/resentment dynamic. Can you sit with him and talk about how to carve out some free time and enjoyment for you?

You’re supporting him, but he isn’t supporting you.

When you’re feeling a bit better, you need to sit down & talk. How long is he going to be doing such long hours, what support can he give you, or you buy in? Maybe a cleaner or a mother’s helper? Someone to do the ironing?

You’re no good to either of your children if you’re burnt out. And if you can find a mother’s help who can build up to babysitting your disabled son, it will ensure your other child also gets some one-to-one time.
Good luck & don’t apologise to DH you were not in the wrong.

It sounds like he's in his specialist training years then? My husband's registrar rotations were brutal on the whole family, and he will be under immense pressure at work, just a different kind of pressure to you.

It's not easy securing a consultant role, if that's what he's going for. You really have to look at getting some respite care.

You need to use some of the money for paid help - whether that is a daily or weekly cleaner or a part time Au Pair or a Nanny.

If you decide to walk out and leave the children with him, that is what he would do.

This sounds hard. Yabu to expect a doctor to miss nightshift because you have got a cold. But yanbu to be feeling burnt out from bring as sahm with a child with high needs and very little support for yourself. I agree with other suggestions - how can you get the support you need to get a break, a nanny or other arrangements so that you can also take time for yourself.

Op does need to help herself too. Maybe consider respite or residential care? She is not just as a passenger in his life story, there are many options available to her to make things much easier than they are currently.

@cookingthebooks - do you want to let some steam out or do you want to tackle the situation going forward?

You do sound very exhausted. Some posters have already asked or made some suggestions about additional support for child care in order to get you a break. Would this be possible? Do you have the financial means to get some hours of freedom?
Would it be also helpful to talk to some organisations or a therapist in order to figure out how get yourself more balance for yourself. And also talk in a quiet and appropriate moment with your partner on how to structure your life going forward? Shortly before his shift is not a time during which such fundamental issues can be properly tackled.

i think the two of you need to talk about your expectations and how to mover forward with life. Is his workload and commute feasible and doable? Can you move closer to his work? Can you get additional help with the kids? Can he pitch in in his free time? What about you moving every six months, can you look for a more stable job/ positioning so you can set up your tents and child care properly?

theres so much to address than this one conversation.

Not at all - changes could involve getting some paid respite care, him being more emotionally present if not physically present, him taking the kids for a few hours on the weekend so OP can have some 'me' time, him going down to part time hours at some point in the future so OP could do some hours at work - lots of options. The main issue according to OP is she feels like he doesn't care. That needs to change.

OP I think you have had some harsh responses from PPs who are focusing in on this specific exchange and missing the big picture, which is that your life has changed beyond recognition, and not in a positive way, while his has changed very little.

I absolutely recognise the immense responsibility he is carrying in his role, but let's be honest, no one held a gun to his head. For someone with the capability to study and practice medicine, there are certainly much easier ways to earn a living, and so it's safe to assume that despite all the difficulties, he is fulfilling his passion and enjoying the considerable external recognition and validation that comes with the profession. His career is likely to be long, varied, stimulating and rewarding, with opportunities for development and growth.

Meanwhile OP is held hostage at home in groundhog day, exhausted, invisible, with no end in sight, providing 24/7 care to two precious but demanding children and performing all of the mindless repetitive drudgery that enables his to fulfil his ambitions. She's ill and absolutely on the edge and yet again her DH can simply walk out the door, away from it all and out into the world, protected by the sheild of his Very Important Job.

Resentment doesn't even begin cover it.

You are tired, unwell and resentful. I actually wouldn't apologise, you've said how you felt and I would leave that conversation there. What I would do now is the bare minimum to get you through this period of illness.

Once you are better I would have a sit down conversation about this. You have a child who requires a lot of care this must not only affect you mentally but physically too I would be looking at outsourcing everything you can to make your life easier. If you can access help at least twice a week overnight I would absolutely get it. If you think respite would be a better option I would look into it. I would be making sure things are done to take the pressure off you day to day. I would be asking friends or family for help. I appreciate that you might not want them to mind your children if one has complex needs but could they batch cook some meals for you monthly to restock your freezer or could they help with your other child? Are there any online groups for parents of children with complex needs that you could access?

As for your relationship I would drive home that how you feel isn't a one off. You appreciate he works had and is providing financially but you need to be appreciated for the sacrifices you are making for your family. You might not be earning a wage but your job is damn hard and relentless too. If he is unable to help practically then he should be helping financially with anything that makes your day to day easier even if it is a meal service for a period of time or outsourcing laundry. I would see how he responds.

I had friends with a severely disabled child and they paid for a lot of additional care for her. You need to do this to get regular breaks.

I’m sure you know that making charges is near on impossible for a doctor and also they rely on his money.

You're on your knees. You need help. Take action to make a small change every day this week to steer things in a more sustainable direction for you.

Stop the hotel service. Drop anything that isn't necessary for now. Hire a cleaner. Look seriously at getting some respite. Talk to someone you trust about how you feel, ideally your DH. Research support services and send an email to one every day for the next five days and see what you get back.

Stop focusing on being a good wife, and refocus on being a whole human. You're both entrenched in your positions, see if you can carve out small ways in which your life would feel better for you.

I think YABU to ask him ro offer to stay off but YANBU to expect him to support you in raising your kids. I think you should sit him down and say you can't keep going like this and he needs to make some changes. I guess neither of you are living the life you expected to live but you need to be a team in addressing that. If he won't, could you leave? Obviously life would be hard alone but if you're already basically alone anyway at least you wouldn't have the resentment and feeling of abandonment you have now.

What a nasty response, why do you feel sorry for her husband? The Op is the one doing all the care for their disabled child. She’s on her knees.

This

I think your overreaction here is becuase of how unhappy you are

maybe start a conversation with the fact that even though you did overreact this time you are burnt out and resentful and an overhaul of responsibility is needed because you can take it all there needs to be a balance - because there does

Gently OP in this scenario there will always be one parent who has to take off the majority and usually the lower earning one OR both go out to work and use one salary to pay for childcare.

if you really want to go back to work, you can. You would just have to pay for specialist care instead.

your DPs life has not continued with out a hitch he has a massive responsibility of 3 dependants who don’t eat if he doesn’t work. Outside of the responsibility or just being a DR being a sole provider is a constant financial burden. He cannot take risks, he can’t change careers or take 6 months off to study or follow his dreams. he can’t take unpaid leave for stress or illness. He HAS to work.

This sounds incredibly tough on you and I agree with the suggestions to hire in help.
Your DH is busy with work and earning money to provide for your family, and I would hope a doctor's salary would help pay for a cleaner at least.
Again as others have said, have you looked at what respite care there is? Also schools? I don't know the extent of your child's disability or age but when they are school age I hope they are able to access something outside the home which will then help give you some time.

Sorry edited to say you have put their age, can your youngest go to nursery? What is happening about specialist schools for your eldest?

I think another issue is you resenting your DH. I can't imagine what it's like to suddenly find yourself having to be a carer to a disabled child and wonder if you ever had any counselling to offload at? As you said on here, you feel his life hasn't changed and I think that resentment is just going to keep building.
I would definitely think about what things can be changed such as help for you, and what can't (him working) and once you feel a bit better start trying to put a plan into action.

He sounds like the kind of man who would never have pulled his weight with dc regardless of disability / you being a SAHM anyways. What was he like before children? Was it all about him then too?

And what would have happened to their DC then? I don't imagine she had much choice in the matter at all.