Should DH have offered?

Op, my friend is in a similar situation, her son is severely disabled and she now stays home, the stress of it is enormous, as is her resentment,

what she can’t see is their home atmosphere is always terse and difficult, as he also is dealing with a disabled child, an unhappy wife, and trying to hold down a job to pay for everything, and so he has his own resentments, both can only see it from their side, as when you’re unhappy you tend to focus on that unhappiness and not the other person.

so instead of working together, pulling together, they are pulling apart. Neither seeing the other side, simply giving it lip service due to their own unhappiness.

you need to try to both see it from the other side, two facts are clear.

you need support
he needs to work

so for me unless he changes job, to something non stressful, 9-5 with a short commute, maybe even goes part time, and you both down grade your financial requirements accordingly, then the answer is to hire a carer. One day a week to give you respite. And you leave the house that one day, it doesn’t matter if you get a job, or volunteer, or go hang out someplace, see friends, family, whatever.

or you go back to work full time and hire full time care.

i can honestly say if my friend had at least some respite care weekly I’m fairly sure part of her resentment would ease. And their home would be less of a terse war zone. Even if she went back to work full time or part time and used her full earnings to pay for care, it would be better for them all.

but right now, they are in the trenches, sticking to their decision, and it is hugely clear to everyone it doesn’t work, and her relationship with her disabled child is difficult and lacking in patience, which he tries to counteract with kindness, which is its own problem.

you both need to rethink your decisions.

I think he should sit down with you and try to find a solution to give you some time away from fulltime caring. Presumably he's a high earner and could afford a nanny or some other form of household help? It wouldn't exactly have helped with last night's scenario, but if you know you have a day or an afternoon's break once or twice a week at least you know you can rest then.

To all of those who have posted that you need to communicate better with him @cookingthebooks, I'd like to suggest that he could do with a few classes in improving his bedside manner because when someone responds with a throwaway comment like "That was never an option" it sounds so cutting and demeaning and cruel, like you're the last thing of importance on his list rather than being top of the list.
Had he said "Oh, I'm so sorry love, but I just can't drop things at such short notice" or "I really have to show up for work, but I'm sure you'll do the best you can" - both still get the same point across but are less harsh to be on the receiving end.
There is something that doctors do when they become doctors. They learn so much about the medical side of things but the human side seems to be left at the door of the hospital and their bedside manner is very often cold, clinical and crass. He could be doing a lot better there. Even talking to his family.

Just something that he could work on along with taking on more responsibility at home.

She just wanted him to show some empathy and offer. OP is obviously at the end of her tether caring full time for a severely disabled child with no help or respite. The colds that OP and the children have are just the straw that broke the camel's back. If OP stops coping due to stress and has a breakdown, the family is completely fucked. Her DH, as a doctor, must realise that.

Gosh, sounds like you have three babies!

@cookingthebooks I really didn’t want to be a SAHM and the resentment is strong which is my issue I suppose just feel like all my choices in life got taken away.

So why did you take on the role?

No-one took your life choices away - you gave them away.because you thought you could "have it all",

You don't say how old you are but even so what was the rush to start a family?

I know girls who married guys with demanding jobs such as being merchant seamen and that involved being away for months at a time. These girls developed their own careers and started a family 7-10 years down the line when both they and their husbands were established. Then the husbands took shore-based jobs on less money and they worked p/t.

You need to give your head a wobble and sort out some childcare/mother's help or the like.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds like a really tough night!

I think you need to pay for some support especially with young children plus disability! Your DH sounds pretty useless when it comes to the family front.

This is quite an unpleasant post. She is not acting like a 50s housewife expecting flowers. Sometimes if we wake up and feel shitty we should not go on line and spread it round.

FFS the OP DIDN'T ASK HER DH TO STAY HOME. Given that she is actually married to a fucking doctor, I'm sure she is quite as aware as all the superior posters on the thread of the impact of him not going in.

What she was asking for was for him to to provide some verbal support, encouragement and reassurance. She is on her knees and needs to feel that if the chips were absolutely down, she isn't in this alone, that someone is there for her. Honestly, has no one been in the situation where someone's love and words of encouragement hasn't made them feel a bit stronger about facing something hard?

I know lots of posters will accuse her of playing 'mind games' and that she is a grown adult who should just have told him explicitly what she needed. But good grief, is it really too much for him to have figured this out about his own sick, exhausted wife? He's supposed to be a bloody doctor.

There was a thread yesterday asking why some posters are often so horrible to the OP. I mentioned the posters who always leap onto the thread with a one line, completely unhelpful and unempathetic comment such as 'get a grip', 'you sound like hard work' and 'grow up'. And hey presto, here you are!

Unfortunately this is life with kids OP, made even harder if one or more of the children have additional needs. You cannot expect DH just to cancel work commitments at short notice unless there is a real emergency (which this isn't).

I never ask him to be off I push through and I’m very dedicated to his career.

This is your problem in a nutshell. No long term strategy and poor communication skills.

You’ve both jumped into the role of you being the SAHM and him pursuing his career without properly discussing the longer term implications for either of you.

You need a plan!

Stop behaving like a 50’s housewife hoping your DH will notice all your efforts and reward you with a bunch of flowers occasionally and actually make time to think about what you actually want and need from him and then discuss your situation together like grown adults and preferably when the children are not around.

He needs clear guidance rather than vague hints because any changes you need him to make will likely impact on his options too. It’s important to find a way forward that you can both accept rather than one partner feeling constantly overwhelmed and undervalued.

@cookingthebooks - you wrote "I think you’re all right, I’m worn down, lonely and a bit miserable on top of being unwell and he's just being practical but it feels like he doesn’t care. I’ll apologise when he gets home."

Do NOT apologise to someone who is clearly not carrying even the smallest of loads of the domestic workload.

I speak as the adult child of someone who to anyone outside our family would have thought we had the perfect father. He would do absolutely anything for anyone outside of our family but if one of us needed something we had to justify it to him. He would pay for things for people outside the family and appearances to him were everything and it was all a veneer.

Your DH went out to work when he could clearly see that you are exhausted and you're doing 100% of the childcare.

Has he ever done his own laundry?
Has he ever looked after the children, on his own for a complete day to give you a break?
Does he do any of the household chores?

I think your next steps will be dependent on how you answer these questions.

It isn't about his Career being important though OP, it's about the impact on many other people's health and wellbeing if he's off. It's like no other job really in that respect.
It sounds like you've sacrificed a great deal, but it's hard that the understandably negative emotions you feel are channeled at him....could you bring in some carers at all so you can have some respite? Compassionately you must be so burnt out as anyone would be in your situation.
You can feel the visceral bitterness in the comments around 'he didn't offer' to give up his career etc and that really screams how exhausted and unhappy you are in this situation. However loosing this marriage could make things even harder for you all,
I feel like urgent change is needed so that that doesn't happen to you and you don't loose yourself yet further in all this pain.

Motherhood with a severely disabled child is very different. It's a 24 hour job with no break and no light at the end of the tunnel. OP isn't a SAHM through choice but necessity.

Obviously her DH has an extremely responsible job, but seems to lack any empathy for OP's situation.

Can you look into getting some help at home? Your child is at the very least entitled to a care assessment with a view to considering, amongst other possibilities, short breaks and respite care. Or could you employ a nanny part time? You may well feel a lot better if you can get back to work.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting help but I think you’re being unrealistic about how that help comes.

Considering he’s a doctor I’ll assume you’re in a good financial position - is hiring additional help not an option? You need a break.

It is as doctors have a responsibility in terms of the hours they work. And just not turning up as your wife has the cold is not an option normally. Another doctor needs to be found. So most will avoid taking unexpected time off where possible. I’m surprised you don’t know this.

I’m fairly sure if your operation or appt was cancelled as the doc stayed home as his wife had the cold, you’d be saying something different.

The issue here seems to be that you don’t have a support network - your DH has no choice but to work (and as a doctor there is even less scope to take compassionate/parental leave at short notice due to family illness). I think you know this because you wanted him to make a gesture (I wish I could stay home to help; or shall I call in sick etc) and it’s the lack of this that you seem to really be upset about?

I’m the mum of two SEN DC, and none of our family are local or (in the case of mine) in anyway helpful/supportive/available. We’ve had to muddle through as a couple for 20 years with no one on hand, other than - fortunately - one or two female friends who were amazing when I had major surgery and my DH had to go overseas for work. It’s lonely, soul destroying and heartbreakingly disappointing to find yourself unsupported with challenging children, so I get this. My DH has confessed in recent years it killed him to leave, but he felt he had no choice. He was the only source of income and without his job we’d have been homeless and the kids would have suffered. He learned to compartmentalise as he had to be 100% focused on his job when he got there - there was no psychological and emotional scope to be distracted and worried about us all day. He had to trust that the mother of his kids would power through.

There was a stage when the feeling that he did not care, the [unfounded] suspicion that he was relieved to bugger off to work and that I was totally alone (especially when ill, which was regular once they started school) threatened to end our marriage. We are still here though, because we communicated and listened (and cried a lot).

I would let yourself and the kids recover from this bout of illness and then try to build a support network. The National Carers Association has meet ups, coffee morning and people who can come and help, so may be a good place to start? Depending on the disability of your child, there may also be a specific organisation who can offer support. I would also speak to your GP and health visitor about support for carers, respite care options so that you can occasionally have a day or so to yourself. And I think you and your husband need to have a conversation to clear the air as I suspect you have been so wrapped up in work/kids/the daily grind that you may have forgotten why you are together in amongst all that?

I'm really amazed that your DH seems to be getting so much support on the thread by virtue of his job. I wonder if you'd said he was a solicitor if the responses would different. I think they would.
Op you need somehow to carve out time for you to decompress . Look into respite care, get a cleaner etc. Are there any local groups you could join to make local friends. I hope things get better for you; it sounds incredibly hard x

I haven't RTFT but you chose to marry a doctor.
Then you chose to have 2 children with him. (I don't know if the disabled child came first?)

Some women like to marry doctors for status and money. You'll get that OK but the downside is that you'll basically be living like a single parent for quite a while.
Once they get into consultant positions they have more money and more time, but that can be 10 years after qualifying.

However, we are where we are now, so surely he/you know of suitable agencies that can provide support for you?

Majority of drs who work that far away from home stay in accommodation close by the work place, so you’re lucky your partner comes home every day!

The pressure he will get from work to be in will be intense. It's always the "push through" mindset. I had an upset stomach last week but still got in the car and started the journey to work, as it's ingrained on us to do so. It's only when I was being sick at the wheel that I decided I'd be putting others at risk that I turned around, but the anxiety before making that call into work was intense.

If your husband talks about his home life at work, they will know there is a SAHM, and therefore sadly the expectation will fall on you to pick up the slack. My employer knew my elderly Nan lived next door to the nursery (I must have mentioned it), so whenever the nursery called she would just presume my Nan would go collect MY poorly child. It's just the way it is.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but be understanding of the pressure he is getting too.

@cookingthebooks people are so nasty on AIBU, next time I would post on relationships board. Clearly this isn't about tonight specifically, it's his indifference to your struggles, struggles that he was instrumental in creating by his false promises that if you had another child with a small age gap he would step up and do more.

Even though he couldn't reasonably offer to take the night shift off, he could have been kind and supportive, and offered whatever it is he can offer, at the very least acknowledging and understanding how hard things are for you. Working 70 hours a week is hard. But Caring for a disabled child and a toddler is beyond exhausting, something most people can't even begin to imagine. I think a lot of the replies are ignoring this, and responding as if you chose this path when in fact it was forced on you when your child was born with a disability.

As for this:

"You are being unreasonable and need to get a grip. I feel sorry for the husband"

Shame on you @Octoberdreaming

I think you need to get some paid help in. It is a big moral dilemma for doctors to ring in sick so late notice.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Pay for some help.