Should DH have offered?

I doubt he’s got much of a life working 70 hour weeks to support your family, YABU

I am sorry OP, you are clearly on your knees and I doubt feeling ill is helping. I think you need to explore all the ways you can get support, either by paying for some extra care during the day so you don’t feel overwhelmed, or someone to cover nights sometimes so you can sleep.

I don’t know where you live obviously, but I do know that there are over 50 childrens hospices in the UK and I know that they offer incredible support to children with complex life limiting illnesses and conditions, they are not just for end of life care. they are about supporting children and families to make the most of their child’s experience, however restricted. They can offer respite often either in the hospice with trained and experienced paediatric and palliative trained nurses, or at home through hospice at home , family support, a shoulder to cry on when it all gets too much, activities for siblings, mums, dads, events for the whole family etc etc. I hope you are already aware of what is available in your area, but if not please don’t dismiss the help they can offer because you are put off by the title hospice.

I am a carer and I know how hard it is and also how isolating it is being responsible for someone's care 24/7. Given your husband's job I am not sure that he could on this occasion have done much, but it does sound like you need some longer breaks. I would be looking at possible support from family and also if it is an option paid support.

Some of these answers are shockingly ignorant. Sometimes the health of our children and knowing we can provide the best care does force us out of work. It's hardly a choice.

Your situation sounds awful OP. We have similar here but my partners' job is not as high responsibility and I absolutely do ask for help if we're all poorly. However, we are likely far less wealthy!

Why does he work so much? It's all well and good if he's propping up the NHS but perhaps you personally didn't sign up for what comes with that?

I think you are being unreasonable in the instance given but clearly you need a lot more support than you are getting here.
I think you cannot expect a doctor to not turn up for work because his wife has a cold and feels miserable. However, you can demand that he provide for paid support for you so you get some time off for yourself each week. Whether it be some sport, hobby, shopping, friend meetup, facial or a walk.
I find that the more you do this, the more you will feel like making more time for yourself and the more things will come up that you will be interested in doing. Your life outside the home will grow and this is healthier for you.

Having children with disabilities is relentless and thankless.
Everyone telling you "I don't know how you do it, you're amazing" doesn't do anything for you. You are still living it forever.
It is very difficult to get time together as a couple and if you are doing all the day to day work in the home, it is very difficult for your husband to grasp the reality of how hard and thankless the work you are doing is. Sure you are the mom and your child is disabled, what choice do you have but he is the dad and some of it certainly lands on him too. He is outside the home working as a doctor and gets a lot of respect for that work and social interaction.

You need to ask him for a sit down to find some ways to give you a break every week that you are happy with.

Can you get someone to help with the kids a day or two a week? That way you’re supported without your husband having to drop work.

@ragandbonewoman FFS she has a severely disabled child, that’s why she became a stay at home Mum! So yes her life choices were taken away, by necessity not choice. She’s not trying to “have it all” How tone deaf are you?

I'm not 'tone deaf' at all.

There are residential schools for severely disabled children which I'm sure OP could afford on her husband's salary and if she went back to work p/t. She didn't have to be a SAHM - that was her choice.

OP acts as if she has no agency.

I suspect in your case, it's all coming to a head. When I was a SAHM, I didn't expect DH to stay at home if I was ill - I'm thinking when I had a vomiting bug that went on for a month, every time I moved I was sick. When I had pneumonia - no way could be stay off for two weeks - he did sort out school pick ups for me as DC were at school then, also double checked if there was anything I personally wanted foodwise etc.

Are his hours irregular? If not, maybe look at getting a part-time job, if only in a shop - it'll get you out. Also, think about a hobby, getting in touch with old colleagues friends for a catch up. You might not be able to go say, every Tuesday, but go when you can, or one you can do at home and factor in with DH an hour's 'me' time for crafts, reading, a walk whatever.

This. Excellent advice, I think, @Lampzade.

Op, also if I go back to my friend, the truth is, it would be absolutely better if she went back to work, and hired a carer, the resentment she feels permeates everything, everything, and it is not going to go away,

she stays at home as she feels she should. That if she didn’t she’d have failed in some way, that she is best placed to care for her child.

the truth is none of these are true, there is no should about it, decisions can be unmade, there is no failure in it, and due to her resentment, the sad fact is she is not best placed to do this 24/7. Her resentment makes her cold and impatient, she’s miserable and there is no hiding it, I am not saying you are the same, but agreeing to stay home, before you know how will you will cope in reality is a decision that can be unmade,

think about what you want, really want. Deep down. Is the decision to stay home still the right one?

Oh OP you have had a hard time on here from some posters but I completely hear the burn out and exhuastion. And I completely get what you are saying - you just wanted a moment of recognition, of kindness and compassion before continuing to soldier on. As someone who also soldiers on come what may, I totally get it - I can do it, but occasionally I just want it to be recognised and to have a moment of kindness in return.
But, I am also learning after a hellish couple of years, that me soldiering on and on may have worked for a lot of people around me but it is no longer serving me very well. I'm realising I need to find my voice and say, 'hey, how about a hug, just sit with me for a moment and give me your attention' or 'hey, I need some help here and it is not unreasonable for me to have it' - so source a cleaner, some respite care, whatever you need to help you through these hard yards. It will make your life easier, and all of your lives better💐

If he’s a high earner then you both work and have a nanny/suitable childcare.

and if not that you definitely need some help OP

He’s a fucking doctor, I’m sure he can manage to make his own lunch and stick his own laundry in the washer.

You’re worn out but you’re also not setting boundaries. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean he does zero parenting/household chores. You can take the lions share but he still needs to pull his weight and give you a break. If you divorced he’d need to find some time to have his own custody arrangement. I’m pretty sure he can stretch himself to afford you a night off to go out, a few hours to spend on a hobby etc.

Apologise when he returns home, say you know he can’t take time off work last minute, but he does need to give you relief. He gets to leave his stressful workplace and come home to be taken care of. When are you being taken care of? When do you get to leave the home and caring duties behind for a few hours?

Reiterating what others have said - he can't take time off, but you NEED it. There needs to be some budget set aside for respite care for you - a nanny 2 days a week or similar. I don't know how much he gets paid (probably not a stellar amount) but it feels like you will fall apart if you don't get SOME external support to make up for what he physically cannot give. What's done is done re. having a second child.

When your older child turns 5, will they be able to attend a special (or mainstream?) school? What is the 5 year plan for them? If your DH is a junior doctor, when does that end? (I genuinely don't know how long the junior doctor phase is.)

If you were to go back to work full time or part time, what would your salary be like? Would it be enough for paid childcare? I don't mean would YOUR salary alone cover it, I mean would your POOLED salaries cover it?

I really feel for you because you sound as if you're absolutely on your knees. As others have said, could you pay for as much help as you can afford? Take care

I think you need to carve out a better life for yourself OP. Just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your life for everyone else’s needs. Let’s be honest your DH would never give up his financial independence, doctor status and work in order to swap places with you and make your sandwiches, even if you did earn twice his salary.

Two of my good friends have disabled children and had to give up work to care for them. Their husbands work very long hours and earn well. My friends run the house and children but that doesn’t mean they have given up everything else. One hires a carer part time and the other has a cleaner who is also able to babysit. Could you afford to buy in some support? You could then use the time to work, do some training or go for a swim (or whatever you think would be beneficial for you).

Honestly gobsmacked at some of these responses but won't dignify them by responding to them. This post should absolutely be on the relationships board.

There is a huge imbalance of power and agency in your relationship OP and I think this is at the root of your resentment (along with the fact that circumstances have forced you to you give up your identity for one you didn't choose, while his has remained largely intact).

If he is too ill to work, he gets to make that call. It would doubtless be very difficult and uncomfortable (as a doctor PP described) but ultimately it his his choice alone and no one can take that away from him. He knows he can set aside the responsibilities of his job if he absolutely cannot face it.

But when you are ill, who gets to decide if you are too sick to manage your responsibilities? He does. You are beholden to his judgement because he is the only person who can stand you down and take over, and he has the power to walk out the door, which is exactly what he did. It's an absolutely awful power dynamic and he urgently needs to understand that you need to feel like you are team players and taking these decisions together.

I agree that a support network/respite options arr helpful up to a point but I'll give you the credit (unlike many PPs) that as the actual parent of your disabled child you are already aware of what is available and affordable and practical and aren't deliberately choosing to martyr yourself. All the respite in the world will not compensate for a partner who is not pulling their emotional weight in parenting and mutual appreciation and support.

I totally understand where you're coming from as a parent carer to a severely disabled child. I think by wanting him to offer to stay home, what you actually probably want is for him to acknowledge how hard your life is right now and the sacrifices you're making. Alright he's doing 70 hours a week but you're on call 24 hours a day with no break. It's not sustainable and burning out is a very real thing. How will he manage when you're physically not able to function? He wont be able to stay silent and hope it goes away.

I love all the suggestions of " just get respite" like it's that easy. DS is still under the children's hospice at 19 as his condition is life limiting. He gets one overnight a year because places are reserved for those who are actively at end of life (as they should be). There's a major shortage of respite places and private carers are like hen's teeth. Its taken me 3 years to find carers to cover just 12 hours a week and that's because 2 of his cousins have become old enough to do it.

Sorry I've no real practical advice because the life of a parent carer is often truly shit, but wanted to say that you're not alone and I think the "ooh but he's a doctor" pile on is unnecessary. DH works a similar amount of hours but has managed to negotiate shifts through the flexible working policy so that he is able to be home one permanent day midweek to give me time to myself. He's also taken time off on holiday so I can go away for a weekend with friends.

This, especially if he's on nights, the hospital won't have the staffing of day shift doctors and we've been left sometimes with only a few doctors covering all wards, so that means, confirming a death, detaining patients.

I think this is what you need to communicate to your husband.

I think YABU to expect him to offer. My therapist told me that it's unhealthy to expect people to mind read.

It's probably also not very healthy to expect your husband who probably feels morally stretched thin between his work which impacts others with his absence and his knackered wife and disabled child.

That said you can only find a solution if you communicate. It doesn't need to be a finger pointing conversation.

Just "can I talk to you DH? You are doing so much to support us financially and you help so many people with your job, but I'm wondering if there's anyway you can help me or if we can bring in some help externally. I am feeling really burnt out and unwell and I feel like if I continue plodding on at this pace it's going to make me seriously ill. Can we talk about some possible options?"

FFS she has a severely disabled child, that’s why she became a stay at home Mum! So yes her life choices were taken away, by necessity not choice. She’s not trying to “have it all” How tone deaf are you?

I feel you've mixed things up a lot, which is understandable when you feel low, but you need to unpick all the pieces to work on them.

1. You not getting a break; unrelated to your cold everyone needs downtime. Set one morning each week and one evening each week when DH is not at work; must take full responsibility for the kids that one morning and one evening so you can recharge.
2. Lack of effort from DH; related to above, he needs time to bond with his own children and with you. Have a serious conversation when you can explain this calmly.
3. Staying off because you have a cold - no, that one isn't reasonable, just go to bed. Cosleep if you can to get the most sleep, I find I auto-settle DS without fully waking if he's poorly and in bed with me, much more restful than bounding around after a crying child.
4. SAHM - this is the tricky one, but sounds most important for your self esteem. What have you arranged for childcare? The 5yo should be entitled to school and the 3yo to 15 hours in a school nursery at a minimum, they'll be entitled to 30 hours if you work 16 hours. That would give you a break, but what have you also explores for childcare to go back to work part-time?

Should he have offered? No I don’t think so. This would not be an appropriate reason to fail to turn up for a night shift at the last minute as a doctor (with very real potential consequences of patient harm). If you were completely incapacitated and the safety of the children was at risk and there were no alternatives maybe. But not for a cold.

You imply you would not have taken him up on the offer, but I presume you don’t want him to offer things he has no intention of doing? That’s disingenuous and unhelpful

It does sound like you are at breaking point and in your own words very resentful of him. I think you need to talk through your situation and see what can be done to improve things

it sounds like he is in a training post rotating around hospitals. He will have no say over where he goes or what rota he works - he has to work the rota he is contracted to work. Unless he is doing a lot of extra hours (either locuming or staying very late to do unpaid extras to boost his portfolio) he probably can’t currently realistically reduce his hours.

he may be able to agree less than full time training - this would affect his take home pay and potentially significantly prolong his total training time, but might be worth considering even if it’s just for the next couple of years. He could potentially leave the training post and have more flexibility - but this could definitely affect long term prospects as he might struggle to get back into a training post. Once he is a consultant he will have more stability.

i hope you manage to talk about it and find a way to get more support

Why did you agree? If you were already parenting a severely disabled child, why have another so soon if you didn't want to? You had agency in this.