Should DH have offered?

Your entire life shouldn’t be him and the kids - you need respite too and he should be fitting it in just not around work

How far off being a consultant is he? Once he is he will be able to work less hours and hopefully settle in 1 workplace long term, which will mean you could live clpse so there isn't such a long commute. Until then I can't see things improving unless you can get some outside help.
Do either of you have any family that could have the children for a few hours?

I'm going to take a guess that you don't have a severely disabled child. It's not easy. If you have NT children you just can't understand.
Ye he's a doctor but presumably when they got married she didn't know she'd have a disabled child. It's hard enough to cope when you have two involved parents, when you have one who can't/won't help it's soul destroying.

Yep, he can't miss work but he can accept you can't be everything to everyone. Do less. Do what you need to keep your head above water and take care of yourself or you will burn out and be no use to anyone x

When my eldest was born, I was so lonely and tired that even when I knew my DH couldn't stay home, I desperately needed him to recognise my struggles and acknowledge that everyone else's life continues mostly as normal, but mine has been flipped. My child wasn't disabled, and I was only a few weeks in so I can't imagine how you must be feeling 5yrs in and with a 2nd child. There's a lot of assumption from PP's that you can just hire help, or just let your DH know how you're feeling and it will be resolved. None of us know whether you haven't been banging your head against the wall doing this since the start.
As other PP's said, it's true that generally the lower earner would give up work, but that doesn't make it fair.
Doctors are also entitled to the same leave, sick leave and parental leave as other employees across the country as employers are all bound by the same basic employment laws. So he doesn't get to shirk responsibilities because he's also a doctor.
70hrs a week as a single income for a family of 4 wouldn't bring in as much as I think people assume- he could also be the kind of person who is tight with their money and wouldn't accept a cleaner being paid when his wife is at home.
No one knows enough to make a judgement on your life, so try not to bear them any mind. I have so much empathy for you, and we can't know how things will turn out when we agree to them, so you could only have trusted that DH would step up, as he said he would.
If you chose to have children, as DH did, then he owes them more than just his 'I'm earning the money'. There are a million and one things children need and if he wanted to, he could find a way to step back and help in the way that he should, as a parent that should be shouldering 50% of everything parenting entails. I will die on that hill.
He can only continue to pursue his dreams, because you gave up yours and to me that is never fair and shouldn't be tolerated just because he's a 'doctor'. He's also a husband and a father and they're more important IMO.

OP, you have the income to raise a family but not the personal support. I don't see how DH could have cancelled his shift at short notice because his family have colds, but I do think he can and should talk to you properly about his role in the family and how he can support you better emotionally and practically.
If the two of you agree to him working these long hours indefinitely, and you don't have good local support from family, then you probably need access to paid childcare to give you a break and to cover for these very difficult times. Suppose you could have phoned a trusty nanny and asked her to put the children to bed and sleep in the spare room to be there during the night, while you had a proper night's sleep, would that have helped? It would be expensive but maybe worth it.

Op is an adult and could have said no.

And then what? With a disabled child there is no option for childcare. What do you think she should have done instead?

OP, if I were you, I'd turn that around on your DH. There's a lot of focus on what he can and cannot do in terms of his job. He "needs" his rest as he works 70 hours a week, he "cannot" take time off to support you. I'm sure it's true.

Equally, though, you're burned out and cannot go on. Right now you're both making that your problem. What does HE suggest? The children are his responsibility, too. What does HE think you should do, as a family, to ensure you get the support you need?

This is the most nuanced and reasonable post.
The dh is out working long shifts with a 3hr commute per shift. He's not on a jolly.
The OP is at home alone with 2 high needs children, kicking back relaxing, but it's clear from some that that's what opposing sides seem to think the other is doing.

My late OH was a doctor. There was no question that he could just take time off if things were difficult at home for some reason. I just had to get on with it. It;'s tough but that is how it is.

Do you need to buy in some help at home?

Wow, this is absolutely brutal. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Take no note of people like this OP. It's very sad anyone would talk to a struggling human this way.

Shame on you.

He's a doctor. He can't just 'stay home' because you all have colds. It's high-stress job with little leyway to vent that stress. 70 hours a week is fairly normal, too (ex BiL a GP, ditto DC's cousin). You are at home with two DC. Though I deeply disapprove of the silent treatment I can see why he might just not answer your gripe - he's working his socks off in a demanding job so you can look after DC and all you do is whinge.
If you did not want the stress of having a DH in a demanding job you shouldn't have married a doctor.

I'm sorry OP. If your H had any other job, the posts would be so different.

You deserve a lot more empathy from your husband. I can only imagine how lonely you feel.

Speak up for what you need. You also need a break and some empathy, whether your husband is a doctor or not.

And yes, occasionally even doctors can't come to work when their family needs them.

The replies to your post disgust me.

Please speak to your husband about his attitude. It's all about attitude and empathy. Even if he's working a lot, you need to feel he's on your team, understands your struggles and has empathy for you and sometimes puts his family first !!

Residential Schools that even if they are the answer, and for some they are, but the places can take years to fight for, even when the family need a place for safety reasons, and cost many hundreds of thousands of pounds per year.

Rather than him offering, he could at least recognise the effort and sacrifice you are making. You want him to make what his an empty gesture - that's a bit unreasonable - but you are not unreasonable to want him to appreciate everything you are putting in and sacrificing.

Well if she can't cope what other alternatives does she have?

The child's needs have to be considered as well. It can't be good for the child to be with an exhausted and resentful mother.

There are specialist schools that do daycare as well as residential, some offer part time attendance.
I really don't think OP has thought this through or discussed it with her DH.

Having a disabled/handicapped child is very difficult and sometimes tough choices have to be made.

Having a DH on a good salary puts her in a better position than the "average" person as she has more choices.

I know of couples where the DH did 12 hour shifts in a factory on min/low wage and the wife had to deal with everything because he just wasn't physically present half the time.

IMO the OP doesn't know how lucky she is compared to other mums of disabled children

As a fellow mum of a severely disabled child I get this, completely. I think things have come to a head because you are poorly but the real issue is the imbalance between your life having some to a stop in many ways and your husbands carrying on as normal.

He needs to at least see this and up his game at home. You need more time to yourself, maybe even to help you get properly back into the workplace someday. I've seen people do it in our position, although its expensive. Can you look at getting some respite provision? Or can you afford to buy in specialist help to even the load?

He may be working 70 hours a week in a very demanding job, but I get the feeling you are doing a lot more hours than that and caring for a disabled child round the clock is as demanding as it gets, especially when you are under the weather yourself, and its not something that you can continue to do alone for the long term without something breaking. Make sure that something isn't you.

I totally understand how you feel. I have two children with additional needs, youngest has severe additional needs.
I am a SAHM too, which I didn't want. I miss work and regular interaction with adults. Can't look in to respite care because DH won't allow it.
There have been times when I've practically begged DH to stay home when I'm ill or have had 3 days of no sleep. He doesn't (and he's not a doctor, not done his job rely on him being there)
Your husband sounds the same. He obviously knew you were ill. Did he at least help with the kids between him getting up and going to work? Give the kids tea or a bath?
I understand he couldn't take time off but it's more than that isn't it? He doesn't do any parenting from the sound of it. He works and progresses his career without giving a thought to everything you are dealing with. Does he at least give you a break when he's on A/L?
If he literally does nothing then you might as we be a single mum. He may not like hearing it but it's the truth so tough.
I would see if you can get any help or respite. You sound on the verge of burn out and then what will he do?

I feel it's not this cold but "everything " you have to deal with alone and feel you have no say (such as having children too close to each other, when the elder child is disabled) or simple appreciation for all the heavy-lifting you do. Sitting down with your husband and trying to talk through this maybe the 1st step to untangling the resentment.

Some posters on here should be absolutely ashamed of themselves, kicking the FT carer for a disabled child when she's down.

A lot of posts seem to be assuming the family is loaded and there's lots of spare cash - even to the extent of paying for residential care! If the DH is still moving every 6 months he's presumably not a consultant and while it seems he can provide for the family I doubt they're loaded.

I hope you can get through to him OP and work together to find more of a balance. Yes he's working a lot of hours, but you're working 24/7 and that's not sustainable. What happens if you become so ill you can't work? There's no locum to do your job.

@Barbarana so your solution is she sends her child away? Wow.

Op he sounds absolutely awful.

Yeah see I’m not sure on this, is it really the best care if you’re miserable and resentful? I know with my friend I don’t think it is. there is no way to hide how she feels, it is unmistakeable. And it impacts her dealings with her child. There is no way round it, as it is all consuming.

A carer in the home, whilst she worked during the day, giving her respite, and then the parents caring in the evenings and weekends could perceivably be the best care for her child. And the best for her and her husband.

i think sometimes people think they will be the best care, want to be the best care, but the reality is if you’re fucking miserable and resentful about doing it, then you often are not. A good routine for the children , a carer in the home environment, can be a mid ground that is best for all.

It sounds hard on both of you OP and I can understand the resentment as you feel you have had no control over the direction your life has taken.

Yes he still works, but that was a choice you both made, and a sensible one, as he was the highest/most secure earner.

The answer is not easy, but it is not to let that resentment grow, his life has also taken a direction he would not have chosen, but to be a team and work out what can practically be done to help you that doesn't include him taking time off the work you need him to keep doing to keep your family financially secure.

What the fuck is your problem?