Should DH have offered?

It doesn’t smack of the truth as the op has said no such thing.

There is frequently absolutely NOT options for childcare when you have a disabled child... has the news in recent years about the absolute shit show that is social services support completely passed you by? There literally aren't the carers, there aren't specialist nurseries with their arms open for children that come with equipment and tubes and care plans, there aren't even enough school places for them.

Don't get me wrong hopefully the OP can get some respite or help on board but please don't think for a minute that there is a realistic option to have a disabled child and return to a two-parent working household except in exceptional (wealthy, usually) circumstances. Most of us just do our best and muddle along, the key to this working is each parent appreciating the sacrifices of the other which is what seems to be lacking from the OP's husband and why the resentment is building.

It smacks of the truth and is very common in circles where a couple have a disabled child.

Initially can he book some annual leave soon so you can get some time together? And during that week you get some time to yourself. Then you can both sit down and try and work out some plans. He wanted a second child & convinced you on false promises. Can you come back to some of those suggestions & see what is affordable/would work?
Can you book yourselves a few days away every few months & pay for respite & babysitters? Nice hotel, cooked for, waited on, uninterrupted sleep etc? Something to look forward to other than relentless drudgery. Or even just a night to yourself to recharge in peace at the nearest Premier Inn? You love your kids. Young kids are tiring. Constant high needs is exhausting.
And you are doing the physical day to day pretty much single handed.
He's tired too. But you feel he doesn't see and appreciate just how much you actually do & that's soul destroying.
I hope you can get some resolution (and sleep).

Look - it's shit - 70 hours is fucking hard. However - you being home with a disabled child is equally a different kind of hard. Can you not afford home help and you work part time? Maybe a part time nanny? You resent your husband for reasons you state - he probably resents you for perceived nagging - you are both reasonable and unreasonable. I agree as a dr - he cant just drop everything and leave. The 1.5 hours commute - is not his fault. I supposed if you knew this was the life you would lead (moving every 6 months) then you cant complain about that, and you also knew he was a Dr - they do crazy hours, my surgeon friend does easily 70 if not more. I hope you find a solution and feel better soon.

This is a horrible situation to be in, and I really feel for you - you and your DH. Severely disabled children need so much commitment and energy. But you're going to need your DH's high earning capacity in years to come. I don't want to make you feel worse, but care for older disabled children is getting harder and harder. You often have to fight for the right schools, and then later, fight for adult support. If you can afford to pay even for some of it, it will help. There's often less support out there as your children get older. Have you read the poem 'When he outgrew cute' by Jess Ronne?

Are there any support groups you could join for parents of severly disabled children? These are often the best places to get support, as everyone there knows exactly what you are going through. They are living it themselves.

Don't expect your DH to offer - that's not reasonable or fair, and it's an expectation that will damage your relationship. Instead, try and talk to him about what you can do in the event that you are genuinely too ill to cope, recognise the particular demands of his job - he'll be exhausted too - and if you really need something from him, ask. If he can't help because of the demands of his job, accept it, but if the two of you have worked out a plan B, then you will have that to fall back on.

This is a horrible thing to write, and it smacks of sticking the boot in.

I’m sorry but this is erroneous, there is absolutely options for childcare, yes if needs to be a carer, not some teen neighbour babysitting, or a standard child care setting, but there absolutely is options for child care.

Your husband sounds massively detached from family life

He is. And I would put money on him detaching when his child was born with a disability. Some men just aren’t up to it and if he wasn’t hiding behind his job he’d be hiding behind something else.

I think you need to go back to work (possibly part-time), even if your full salary goes on providing care for your DC.

You need to be able to get a babysitter in to help you out in emergency situations like this. is that an option?

I don't, of course, although not sure what ND means (I may be it - but think labels of this sort unhelpful: I am me, tactless, tending to say exactly what I think and walking out on conversations if I am doing something I think more important - all of these I work hard at not doing, of course). I understand OP did not know she would have a severely disabled child but she must have known what being married to a doctor might mean i.e. long and unsocial hours, if hospital based and working towards being a consultant then changes in where you work etc. And a cold is not life-threatening. She needs respite care and time to herself, but these are not acquired by berating her DH who is the sole earner. Discussions as to ways forward are needed, possibly some counselling.

He talked a really big game about this when he wanted the second DC so close to DS but none of it ever materialised. He was so determined to have the kids and a small gap and I feel like I’ve just been left to it.

Doctor's wife (and SAHP) here. I reckon mine must be a bit further on in his career than yours as he's a consultant now so no more moving around different hospital placements.

Your husband sounds massively detached from family life. What's he like when he's at home? Because mine takes over with the kids evenings and weekends (and always has), he knows I'm with them solo a lot and he knows how hard that is because he does it as much as he can when he's not at work!

I think the paragraph of yours that I've highlighted above is the real crux of the issue. The problem isn't that you want him to offer, the problem is that you feel like he takes absolutely zero responsibility for the kids (or you). I suspect he is using his career as an excuse, sure medicine is hard but lots of parents work challenging jobs and still participate in family life. Lots of doctors are married to other doctors for a start!

I'd have a sit down chat with him and spell out that you feel he's led you into this situation under false pretences. Remind him that he's reneged on a lot of promises and you've had enough of being the support act in his life, doing all of the hard yards at home alone. If you want to go back to work, tell him he'll have to go part time (this is eminently possible in medicine, plenty of doctors in training and consultants do it - my husband is unusual in his team for being full time!).

Think about what you want you life to look like and what is possible for you family. Think about what are non-negotiables for you and what you are willing to compromise on. Tell him it can't continue like this as you'll have a breakdown and then he'll have to do it all and ask him for his suggestions on how to avoid that.

Lots of people still think that a woman married to a doctor must be living some sort of dream lifestyle. I've had people actually make ooh and aah noises when they ask me what he does, one acquaintance told me she'd "always wanted to marry a doctor". By and large being married to a doctor is crap, the hours are long, the pay is rarely commensurate to the level of work and it is soul destroying to have people tell you that you're unreasonable to expect your life partner to actually participate in family life because of His Big Job.

A lot of responses here are very harsh and non constructive as many are taking the perspective of the husband who happens to be a doctor. She needs some kindness and acknowledgement from her husband irrespective of his job. She is pushing on through everything that she is being dealt.
Get a cleaner on for all the housework/laundry/ironing/hoovering. When you are well organize some respite carers to come in maybe 2 or 3 times per month or more if necessary to allow you she time for yourself to go to shop, visit or meet friends or whatever your interest is.
Money has to be spent on these needs to keep the family working and stop you from wearing out.
And you need control of a percentage of finances to be able to address day to day needs. He may be earning the money but it needs to be shared to you and children's needs (he many think they are wants not needs...which are two different things)

@cookingthebooks You shouldn’t have mentioned dr you would get a lot of different replies. .

Although heavy cold isn’t something that you should need looking after for .
Seems this goes deeper ?

Edit to the above: I see now that the 70 hours includes a long commute. The jnr doctor 6-month rotations are hard - I’ve been there. But they won’t be for ever.

If he is moving every six months then he is a very long way from being a consultant!

Maybe swap with him and go to work full time yourself, see which you would prefer. How can you expect him not go into work because you had a cold !

I’m sorry you’re feeling so tired and fed up, but I still think YABU.

Is he a junior doctor in a hospital? They work long hours but not 70 hours a week every week. Is he volunteering for extra shifts? If so, that’s unreasonable. But it would have to be a real crisis for a hospital doctor to bale out of doing his shift at the last minute, because it would create havoc. He would have had to pretend he had suddenly been taken ill himself, which he would understandably be very unwilling to do.

It sounds like you need extra support of some kind, so you get regular breaks. You need to have a calm conversation about that with your DH.

In an ideal world you would have someone there to look after you and the kids when you feel ill. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. Your husband had responsibilities to others and cannot prioritise your cold over his career.

With 70 hour weeks, I don't think he is shirking, he is probably feeling a lit of pressure being the sole earner. But I do think he needs a better understanding of what your life is like. Maybe you could start carving out some personal time for you, going out alone for a run, to the cinema, dinner with friends etc and your husband can deal with the 2 kids for a few hours.

Alternatively, are you able to hire in some help from time to time? You have a lot on your plate and it is running you down.

Op, speaking from experience just let him go - permanently. He’s not up to being the father to a disabled child and he’s hiding behind his job. You’ll thrive on your own with the children even though it will be difficult but at least you won’t have this excuse of a man dragging you down.

Yeah absolutely but he’s a Dr and can’t take a night off cos his wife and kids have a cold!

In that case the OP needs to be putting wheels in motion now. She has the finances to utilize these establishments, many don't.

I am beginning to wonder what long-term planning was done and what advice was given by Midwives/Heath Visitor/Social Workers in the first instance?

The time will eventually come when the child becomes an adult and she won't be able to physically cope, especially if they exhibit Challenging Behaviour.

In my book "mother" is spelt m.o.t.h.e.r. not m.a.r.t.y.r.

OP, let me know if my assumption is correct. It's not that you want him to stay home, because you know his job is important but you want him to show more care towards you and the children, to have at least acted like he would have stayed and looked after you all if it wasn't for his work.