Should DH have offered?

If your child was ill in hospital and there was no doctor to see him, would you be happy hearing it’s because he stayed home cause his kid had a cold?

I’d say you were nbu if he had an office job and could work from home but he’s a doctor - he can’t be off work when he’s not ill to help an adult who is ill. Horrible as you felt, and I do have sympathy, it’s one of those things. However, all the other things you say about him putting himself and his career first above you and his disabled dc aren’t acceptable, no.

I agree that it probably did sound harsh and it wasn’t my intention. But the content was based on the reality for many people who have a disabled child and it’s not just the dads.

It may not have happened in your circle but it happens and it happens a lot. You only have to look at the divorce rate in those couples who have a disabled child to see that marriages are impacted more than the norm.

The situation the other night with the Op was only the tip of the iceberg and it was obvious to me in the second sentence what this really was about. He’s not on board.

In this situation he has his job to use as a front but if he didn’t it would be a hobby.

Stop providing that deal. He can make his own lunches and launder his own clothes. Carve out some time for yourself.

In these kind of circumstances going to work full time is by far the easier option!

Maybe because she reasonably assumed her husband wasn't lying to her about his willingness to make changes if she had the second child??

The responses to the OP on this thread have astonished me, there are obviously a lot of posters on here with the same lack of empathy as the OP's husband. Caring for a child with severe disabilities can break you, there is very little help available, and often even if you have the budget to pay for help, it can be hard to find reliable carers. OP is very clearly at the end of her tether coping with a situation that she did not choose. I've been there with a child with severe mental health problems, and I've been almost suicidal at times with the strain of it (and my DH isn't nearly as bad as OP's).

As a bare minimum OP, pack it in with the "good wife" stuff. You already have a more than full-time job caring for your disabled child, and whatever time you have spare around that should go to your other child and your own self-care. Your husband is a grown man, he can sort himself out. He's not doing you a huge favour supporting your SAHM "lifestyle", you're doing his share as well as your own with the kids that he wanted and co-created. Yes he's a doctor but that doesn't absolve him of all responsibility for his family other than paying for it. When he's not working he needs to be doing as much as he can at home, not revelling in his "great deal".

In the longer term, insist that there is some paid respite, that he talks to management about finding rotations nearer to home, and that steps are taken to allow you to restart your career. He doesn't get to make promises and then just break them at your expense. I have the utmost sympathy for you, and I hope things improve for you soon.

Oh but you’re all over here telling folks to ignore other posters

Ive suggested one poster ignored your nonsensical post about childcare availability for those who have a disabled child and I did it after you contradicted her when you told her she was mistaken.

hurling abuse at them saying they don’t have a grasp of reality and making big statements

I didn’t make any big statements. I posted a fact. And I certainly didnt hurl abuse.

Whilst objecting when anyone else does

I objected to you doing what you did when you rubbished a mother’s response and told her she was mistaken - when she wasn’t.

This is as much time as you’re going to get from me today and I’m sure you’ll be thankful for that.

I know exactly how you feel op, having a disabled child is tough. Your DH threw himself into “provider” role because that’s the only thing he had control of. You threw yourself into carer role because someone had to & it made sense at the time. It’s tough for all of you. You are both doing your respective roles incredibly well, but cracks show when illness, tiredness & a bit of despair about the future creeps in. It may be “just a cold” to some, but it was breaking point for you. You needed him to step in & he had too many plates spinning already and couldn’t drop one.
You need to communicate. Neither one of you are communicating well enough. He will also be feeling under pressure & feeling a bit helpless about changing anything.

Can you look at outsourcing some of your jobs so you have a little left in the tank in times of need? DH is the financial provider, so he either reduces his hours to cover some of the workload or he financially provides for outsourcing. A cleaner once or twice a week would give you more time & headspace for other things. A carer/PA an hour or two a day would give you some respite & also provide someone to call on when u r ill. Get a needs assessment done if not already had that & there will be funding available for that if DC qualifies. Are you claiming all disability allowances available? Use some of that to outsource some help.
You must communicate how close to burnout you are without shifting the blame (it’s the situation that’s the problem not either of you as individuals) make it clear that if your burnout tips over into a full breakdown, he’ll have everything to cope with & you want things in place to avoid that. Hopefully you’ve already thought that his salary needs protected in the event of illness, injury or death, but if not, ensure you discuss covering that too.
You are the family organiser, so unfortunately it’s on you to take the lead in finding a solution, but as he’s the financial provider, he should be happy for funds to be used in that way.

Good luck.

So no then

i understand personal experience, and genuinely feel for any parent of a child with disabilities (I’m one myself) but I thought your post was unnecessary harsh, reductive, and not based on facts/truth.

genuinely wish you the best

I had a partner who had a job similar. Also had a friend in same position. None of our friends understood why just telling DHs to go in late or take a day off was feasible. I just accepted that his input was never an option . I had to develop my own support system and my friend and I helped each other , family, paid childcare.

But a disabled child is a whole different scenario . It is nobody's fault and to be resentful is normal. Caring for your child is all consuming and it is really hard for you to take a break from this . Are you involved with any organisations or services? Is respite an option? Maybe an au pair just to be an extra person in the home .
The other side of this too is that you say DH is a great provider . At the moment he seems to be in an intense period in his career/ training . As he progresses his hours may decrease . It is a longterm commitment. His hours reflect the money he provides . Nine to five just doesn't cut it in order to be a SAHM.

This lovely advice 👏🏼👏🏼

Oh but you’re all over here telling folks to ignore other posters, hurling abuse at them saying they don’t have a grasp of reality and making big statements. Whilst objecting when anyone else does.

anything to back up “very common” or is that just your view?

It’s my experience over the 35 years I’ve been the parent of a disabled child/someone who’s ran a support group for those who have a disabled child for the last 33 years. But I don’t have to justify my points to you or anyone else. The information is well documented and out there.

If he is moving every six months he is likely in training, as such, part time is not an option.

Absolutely this !!!

On the subject of doctors, I know a consultant who went part time so that he could be a carer for his mother for some of the time, another consultant who went part time after having children and I have a friend who completely gave up her career as a doctor to care for her disabled child. I also know a few doctors who are married to doctors and somehow manage to share the load. Being a doctor does not mean that you are too important to have any family responsibilities.

To everyone feeling sorry for the husband - he signed up for the job and most importantly - he signed up to being a dad and husband too.

He'd be working those hours anyway. It's just how it is.

It doesn't absolve you from having sympathy for your wife and from being part of your family and supporting her in difficult moments.

And with out the context of his job, the responses would be meaningless!

It must be hard, unrelenting, and stressful caring for a severely disabled child, especially as your care may be needed for decades past when most parents can see their children become self supporting. Can you and your DH afford any kind of respite care every week to give you a break and possibly get a part time job?

Your DH probably won't offer to stay at home because what will he do if he offers and you accept? The offer truly would be meaningless. Instead of focusing on this maybe look at something that would give you long term support.

How do things work when he's on annual leave?
childcare and housework split equally?

It smacks of jealousy and schadenfreude.

Op has said no such thing so it’s not the case here.

anything to back up “very common” or is that just your view?

It doesn’t smack of the truth as the op has said no such thing

They don’t have to. But it’s all there anyway.

I adore the responses that you chose to marry a doctor and have two children close together and have a disabled child. You should have known. He however, shouldn't have known. He's the provider and fantastic but shame on op for not knowing.

There is frequently absolutely NOT options for childcare when you have a disabled child

Just ignore what was said. Some people just don’t have any grasp of reality when it comes to issues like this. And if they are fortunate enough to have services in place for any disabled child they may have, it can be that some of them think everyone has the services they do.