Should DH have offered?

I think there is a real misconception here about how much early career doctors actually earn in the NHS. Yes, their family income is going to be considerably higher than the average family with a disabled child (which is something shocking like £17,000 - a whole other thread). And future prospects are good. But right now, on his income alone, they are likely to be far from being able to throw money at the problem in the way that some posters think they should be doing.

Dad wanted them to, apparently. Promised that all would be fine, they’d manage together. Then he faded out to work.

If what you say is correct then why on earth did they decide to have a second child so soon after the one that was disabled?

Ridiculous.

I think there is a real misconception here about how much early career doctors actually earn in the NHS. Yes, their family income is going to be considerably higher than the average family with a disabled child (which is something shocking like £17,000 - a whole other thread). And future prospects are good. But right now, on his income alone, they are likely to be far from being able to throw money at the problem in the way that some posters think they should be doing.

Are you actually kidding ?! Our severely disabled children are still our much loved children, most of us don’t want to send them off into residential care even if it was available and affordable! A year of residential care is probably about the same as a doctor’s salary, many tens of thousands of pounds . So that does leave many parents in an impossible situation, it’s absolutely crap to be honest .

I have 3 children, one severely disabled and yes, my career completely fizzled out. I did do some part time work in a school whilst they were at school but the majority of the care fell to me as we needed my husbands salary to pay the bills . He wasn’t a doctor, but I still don’t remember him taking time off work if I was ill, it just couldn’t happen. Now my child is an adult it just has become so much harder and I have taken early retirement to deal with this.
I always wryly smile when people suggest respite, it’s so hard to come by, and get funding for, and then your child has to get used to going, and not be ill when they’re due to go. We’ve only just found a fantastic respite carer after 34 years! And I still have to fight with the council to get a few funded weeks a year. And then when my young adult goes to respite I get nervous going away in case she gets homesick or ill. It’s a nightmare. I’ve had to accept that my life is going to be different to everyone else’s, and part of that has been accepting that my husband’s career has to move forward in order to support us. However he does and always has done a lot for all the children, and now for our adult offspring. When he was working and I was ill I just had to get on with it.

@ragandbonewoman FFS she has a severely disabled child, that’s why she became a stay at home Mum! So yes her life choices were taken away, by necessity not choice. She’s not trying to “have it all” How tone deaf are you?

I'm not 'tone deaf' at all.

There are residential schools for severely disabled children which I'm sure OP could afford on her husband's salary and if she went back to work p/t. She didn't have to be a SAHM - that was her choice.

OP acts as if she has no agency.

He’s not ‘working’ the 70 hours but they’ve stuck him at a hospital that’s a 1.5 hour commute each way. He moves every 6 months and we have no control over where he’s sent. It’s hard

This is unfair you can say you think I’m being unreasonable (will totally accept that) without being this condemning. How many severely disabled kids do you have that you had to give up your entire life to care for whilst watching your DH’s life carry on without a hitch? If I’m that awful maybe I should just leave him and the kids to be ‘better off without me’ and see how he manages then!

I think you’re all right, I’m worn down, lonely and a bit miserable on top of being unwell and he's just being practical but it feels like he doesn’t care. I’ll apologise when he gets home.

Im a good wife. My entire life is him and the kids I wash his clothes, organise his life and even make his lunches I run him a hotel service and I go over and above to show I care so I know he isn’t getting an awful deal on me on the whole. Other dad friends we know seem shocked he gets the deal he does .

I agree, this isn’t about her husband, it’s about resentment at being a sahm and feeling like she’s no choice as she said. The thing is she does have a choice.

She absolutely can get specialist carers for during the working day and go back to work. She doesn’t need to do this. No matter how many people scream she does, she’s no option and there is no care available. There is. She simply needs to pay for it and get the right level of qualified person or people. Yes it will cost but her earnings would pay for this in large, if not all, depending on how much she earns.

staying at home is a choice. When you boil it right down. It is a choice.

Your comment here demonstrates that your issues run much, much deeper than your husband simply not offering to stay home when you and your children are unwell. You need to address your thoughts and resentments with him.

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

If your child was ill in hospital and there was no doctor to see him, would you be happy hearing it’s because he stayed home cause his kid had a cold?

I think you’re all right, I’m worn down, lonely and a bit miserable on top of being unwell and he's just being practical but it feels like he doesn’t care. I’ll apologise when he gets home.

Im a good wife. My entire life is him and the kids I wash his clothes, organise his life and even make his lunches I run him a hotel service and I go over and above to show I care so I know he isn’t getting an awful deal on me on the whole. Other dad friends we know seem shocked he gets the deal he does .

To everyone else, fair enough thanks for the feedback. I really didn’t want to be a SAHM and the resentment is strong which is my issue I suppose just feel like all my choices in life got taken away. I love my kids but he seems to want to avoid us at every turn.

I never ask him to be off I push through and I’m very dedicated to ‘he can’t be off’ I get his career is important but the amount of stuff I’ve gone through alone especially with disabled DS because DH was just not there is soul destroying.

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

Maybe swap with him and go to work full time yourself, see which you would prefer. How can you expect him not go into work because you had a cold !