Should DH have offered?

Stop being a ‘good wife’ and start living a life that has something for you.

Of course you are worn down, feel neglected. Feel resentful. Anyone would feel that way,

A proper plan so you can start to be you again is the only way forward.

Due to the commute he is out of the house 70 hours a week.

I think people have been a bit harsh here. Why on earth is he doing 70 hours a week . That is more than a maximum contract . He is choosing to work this much and while he is earning it doesn’t give OP any help with a disabled child.

I’m a doctor and I think attitudes have changed somewhat- we all have families and families come first even above patients . No one is indispensable . Locum cover would be found if DH. Emergency carers leave is the same. If OP is sick and exhausted then she cannot be up all night with a disabled child.

OP you sound knackered and resentful and I totally get it. Just something I picked up on here about other Dad friends seeming shocked by how much you do. My DH does a lot round the house (he didn't when I was a sahm but he does now I'm teaching again.) However, sometimes the banging and sighing and resentment when he's doing it means I would rather do it myself. Nobody likes the shit work of household tasks and the difficult bits of parenting (of which there are many, I know) You are doing more than your share. But to be fair to your husband, so is he.

Is there any way you can pay for a cleaner or home help for a few hours a week? A respite carer for your DS? This might allow you a few precious hours to yourself.

I’d be cutting back some of this and taking that time for you! Important job or not he should be doing his fair share of the parenting/house when he’s not at work. For a doctor working 70 hours this may not be 50% but he doesn’t get to opt out. While ever you enable it things won’t change though. I can be guilty of this on a smaller scale and the resentment builds up and ends up in an argument.

@cookingthebooks he is a doctor at the beginning of his career, I presume? I presume this because he is still being moved from hosp to hosp! he has to turn up for work or be tarred with the "off sick" label!! it isnt so easy for docs to take sick time. there are no stand ins!

You seem to be saying you want him to offer to stay home when you are ill but know he won’t (he can’t really, can he?). You wouldn’t want him to. You just want him to say the words. That comes across as rather daft, but you’re ill and tired so daft is excusable.

Given your own work load you must be permanently on the brink of exhaustion and run down. Do you think maybe you’d actually like him to acknowledge that and say he wished things were different and that he could stay at home to cover your load while you recover?

I ask because my first thought was that he is in a position to make things different. As he is such a high earner and given the extraordinary needs of one of your children, perhaps he should be paying for you to have some support. If he was prepared to do that things would be very different for you. You’d still be in the catch 22 situation that to have the money he provides he needs to be absent and not much practical help or emotional support, but you would be under much less pressure.

Sorry it took me a while to type that and things moved on while I did

Why does he keep moving?

How old are the kids? Are they nearing school age?

You clearly have a lot of resentment (a normal feeling when life doesn't work out how you expect). Have you got any therapy support?

He is also feeling the pressure of earning enough and keeping his job. Without that, your life would be very different.

I think this incident yabu. Overall it sounds like you need to talk to your H and come up with a more sustainable life plan.

What was your career, pre-children?

Your husband not going in to work when you all have heavy colds is clearly not an option. You’re going to burn yourself out if you don’t get any respite, though.

Is returning to work on a part time basis and paying a qualified carer to be with your son for part of the week a possibility. Would that help you?

if not, will your husband’s salary cover a carer for your disabled child overnight once or twice each week so that you can sleep?

I think maybe you’re very tired, unwell and resentful of your situation, I also suspect you know he can’t just not go to work as he is a doctor, but it doesn’t make it less hard for you,

can you look into respite care? I think you’re taking it out on your husband, when it is the wider situation that’s the issue, you need a break, could you look to hire a carer many once a week so you can go off and have some time for yourself?

Can you afford additional help OP? Sounds like this is getting too much and as a lone parent I've had to buy in a nanny, cleaners and also then private school to be able to balance my life. Struggling on as you are doesn't make you a hero, it makes you a martyr.

I am sorry you are poorly, but your dh perspective will be life and death op, and a cold is manageable isn’t it.

The real issue here is you really must address the sacrifice you have made to care for your disabled child, and consider some help now, regular respite.Its too much to expect you to continue like this, with no life. It’s okay to say I can’t carry on, I dont want to carry on, and start making changes.

Op you have options, you have choices. You have the finances to have a much better life than the one you have now.

You feel unsupported, because you are unsupported. You can change this if you want to. Daily care to come in for a few hours? So you can go out and have time to yourself. Overnight care so you can have some sleep? What can you put in place to ensure you have the support and care you need to have done kind of life yourself?

I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left.

I’m not trying to be mean but when you’ve been out of the workplace for a while you loose sight of that’s normal or acceptable. It’s simply not acceptable to phone in with an hour notice to say you aren’t coming in, you’re absolutely fine but your wife has a cold!

YABU because it comes across as playing games.

Doctors are skeleton crew at night as it is - the fact you want him to ask, even if you’d say no, just feels a touch manipulative tbh.

Then for that he is definitely being unreasonable. I would think about how you see things working for you then present him with a plan of action. When your child starts school there will definitely be a little more time for you but you need to decide what that means and tell him what you would like/expect. E.g. could you get a cleaner so you get 1/2 days to yourself when you child is at school.

I wouldn’t get into playing those little games in a relationship. I’m more of a straightforward communicator.

You sound burned out. It’s not the cold, or the night shift, it’s the final straw.

Is their any spare money to get some help so you can have a few hours to yourself a week, gym/hobby etc. It sounds like you’ve lost who you are.

Does your husband do locum work? It’s very unusual for anybody to be working 70 hours in the NHS, unless it’s through choice? If it’s through choice and the extra money not really required it’s unfair of your husband.

You probably know he couldn’t stay off because you had a cold. But, working 70+ hours and offering no physical support to allow you some downtime is unfair, doctor or not!

This put plans inmplace to cope. When does he start school? That would be the time to look at work you can now do. You need tonaoeak to your dh about how he can facilitate you going back to work.

but getting annoyed because youve asked him to say things he doesnt mean and would not follow through with is pointless.

This is clearly how you feel deep down and it must be so hard OP but have you discussed him cutting his hours and you going back to work part time perhaps. I’m guessing because he is the higher earner this isn’t a consideration. What about getting job to help pay for some care, is your child in receipt of benefits? It sounds like you need some respite, even in the form of paid work.

YABU about that particular incident.

But I'm guessing you feel unsupported and unseen by him and for that YANBU at all.

I deeply sympathise but I don’t think you realise how difficult it is, and how big the impact is on colleagues, to stay home from work, especially shift work, and for someone with so much responsibility. Who would cover his shift at short notice?

The issue is that you’re wrung out and he doesn’t realise (doesn’t care?) about how difficult your role is. You need a conversation to sort out how he can support you better, but staying home from work at short notice isn’t the solution.