To emphasise that neurotypical kids have different needs to neurodiverse kids

Agree!

This thread is so full of nonsense. My head hurts.

@WallaceinAnderland

No. We are have a brain but not everyone is neurodivergent.

Again this is Another saying EVERYONE likes to dish out.

I think the 'what next?' question is one we all ask ourselves.
I push my daughter to be as independent and to do as many things as her peers as she can. I listen and hear her, but I am honest that the world will not always adapt for her. Some of my friends see this as cruel I think, I'm not shaming her or punishing her for her neurodivergence, but I want her to develop coping strategies and resilience (which I know is a dirty word in the ND world)

Will she turn around and resent me for it? Well maybe. But I don't think this is any different to all the other decisions we mums question ourselves about (work, no work, stay together, split up, private or state etc)

In terms of the other way of doing things, I have friends who do very low demand parenting. Well I do admire the patience. But part of me thinks 'when do your children learn that they can't keep punching people in the face to get their needs met?' And this behaviour does not seem to resolve, and they do not seem to develop any sort of regulation or skills to cope.
However, In the scenario of school anxiety, sometimes these children just need a break and some time to recover, but some (maybe even most) never go back to formal education and I wonder what then? But having been in that situation I would not judge the parents, nor the child. It truly is an epidemic at present. And that kind of proves that it is not one type of parent who 'allows' school avoidance.

the whole point about neurodiverse kids is they are diverse. Some of them are polite and pliable (like my DD), some are rebellious, angry and oppose every rule in the book (like my DS). it really pisses me off when people think it’s their parenting that makes their child polite or not. And all the other things. The judgement is one of the hardest parts for me.

To say nd kids aren’t impacted by parenting is asinine. Every person on earth is impacted by parenting or the lack of it

I’ve wondered this too.

@worrywilma unfortunately a lot of them won't cope. My Autistic child is now 18 mute, arfid, anxiety through the roof doesn't leave the house, can't even go in the garden.
Main stream education & has GCSEs - huge amount of support in place to achieve this though. Changed my job, to be available again any time etc.
Tried 6th form college & within 3 months burnout from masking trying to cope.
Professionals now think it unlikely they will ever live independently

To be fair this can be true of NT kids too, in fact my two ND kids eat almost anything and my youngest who is NT will refuse 90% of what I put in front of her and I'm confident she would starve herself if I tried to make her

They probably have really shit lives, ffs

@Nursingadvice I don't mean to be offend. I don't think they are lesser parents or anything, can see they are generally doing their best and really struggling. Who knows, maybe I'll struggle more when he's a teen.

I've just seen some cases, for example a friend of mine where her ND children (aged 7 and 8) are so aggressive and rude to her, spit in her face etc, and she's so gentle and kind. They have no real consequences and they are very spoilt tbh and they walk all over her. I look after them sometimes without her and though they are challenging they do not act with me the way they act with her, they can behave to an extent when they want to. I do personally think though they are challenging, things could improve if she was a bit more assertive etc

Personally mine has got easier with age in some ways (and an amazing school) but adult life is a huge worry. I can’t imagine them working a traditional job.

The op I answered was saying her child is polite, well behaved etc due to good parenting. I was making a point, that no amount of good parenting will stop some children from having meltdowns, or demonstrating behaviours at times that are not deemed as polite or well behaved. They do not have the capacity to respond in that way to that kind of parenting style.

I think there are many things in life where you will sadly experience ignorance from others, until they experience it themselves or have a reference point in their lives. I have heard this from parents of ND children, where they are suddenly dealing with behaviours or a diagnosis that they never imagined and they have to suddenly teach themselves everything - whereas previously they were just cruising through life.

I think it’s unfair to assume that parents with NT children don’t have many challenges. My dd is well behaved but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t had moments in her life where she has been very very difficult.

I understand your frustration - we need more empathy as people overall, and we need to listen to those that have different experiences to us.

it makes me sick. It is the arrogance. The sheer arrogance and snideness of parents of NT children. I wouldn’t be short in telling them where to go and how uneducated they are being. My nephew is ND and I want to punch a lot of “well meaning” people and their comments. They do not have a single clue.

I hope you guys don't mind me asking a question about your children, I don't have any experience of ND so I don't mean to offend.

For those of you whose kids have PDA type ASD, how will your children adapt in to adulthood? Going to school, and then in to employment, comes with demands from other people.

I know your children are still young, but from the info you have, is adulthood expected to be easier on them, or might the struggles get worse as they go in to a demanding world?

Again, I hope I've worded this correctly and not upset anyone.

Yes but what comes with 'giving the bears a bit of awareness', is obviously the frustration that you and other MNetters with ND kids end up feeling.

I'm not telling anyone where they should/shouldn't post btw, but some boards on this forum are worse than others even if they do get more traffic.

It's the quality v quantity argument I guess.

@Nursingadvice but I think that's the point. Is it not ableist to assume that ND children can't be manipulative, or lazy, or lie at times? The same as all other children. My DD struggles with school attendance at times, some of it is burn out, tiredness, being overwhelmed etc. Sometimes she just doesn't fancy it. I can't let her stay home just because she's ND.
It may not be you but there are parents who do not feel they need to parent their ND children at all. Letting them eat five cupcakes because they don't want to say no to them. It just causes unhappy kids, in the long term.

Oop, hang on... another one

everyone is neurodiverse

🏆

What do you think happens in poorer countries? From Romania to Vietnam?
Or do you think that there's no autistic kids there?

This is one of THE most stupid things I've heard, not only on Mumsnet but literally ever.

🏆

I think you’re well meaning, but this attitude is quite harmful. If you came down hard or enforced strict boundaries and consequences on my asd/pda child they would have spent 3 hours throwing things and swearing at you.
It really is such a wide spectrum. That’s not to say your parenting hasn’t had a positive impact, but it doesn’t mean everyone with more challenging ND children are lesser parents. They just have different children with different needs.

@messymummy5

I agree but said it more clumsily. I didn't accept that dd couldn't do things or was doomed to do bad things. Her early intervention I believe was key though, something that's hard to get in the U.K. alas

Can I emphasise that neurodiverse kids are well diverse, they differ a lot and I don't just mean in capacity. They also will have different personalities I will add.

Op you are wrong to make sweeping statements about what all neurodiverse kids are like in the same way as you can't generalise about all children.

I can assure you for instance that my autistic child was a better sleeper overnight than her typical sister and they shared a room until 6&8 when we moved. This doesn't mean all neurodiverse children sleep through the night and share nicely with their siblings!

I would also point out there's amazing parents of children with specific needs (I hate the word special) and not so good ones plus children with autism can sometimes i stress be given guidance to do things differently, you don't have to accept everything, I stress it varies though