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AIBU?

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Original poster

We have no bedroom and it's stressful

402 replies

Fishandchipsareyum · 04/02/2025 19:14

Hello

We have a small 2 bedroom house and the girls each need a bedroom as they are both autistic and eldest is a pda and 7 years older than the youngest. The girls don't get on my eldest needs a lock on her door inside so her sister isn't allowed in. We are going to put a little latch on it for her.

We initially thought it was going to be ok, we bought an expensive sofa bed from ikea. It was hideous to sleep on so had to replace with a day bed that pulls out to a double but the sofa is in the way so it can't be moved to pull day bed out ( it's a tiny livingroom also) we have so much stress and we have no adult space and all my clothes are mostly in box's under the day bed. Husband sleeps on a mattress.

Guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has no adult bedroom because the children need a room each.

We can't afford to buy a bigger place. So we are stuck.

All that fits In the living room is the seating and the day bed ( single size pushed in) and a small unit for my things. Tv is on the inbuilt fireplace.

Youngest room is large but awkward so I'm not sure it could be split into 2. There is her bed and toys and books and I need to store towels and husbands clothes in her room.

I just can't help dread getting older in this place. I try and be positive but I feel quite down. I work 24/7 ( minus the sleeping tike lol) and I would have enjoyed a place to call my own bedroom for rest.

OP posts:
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Franjipanl8r · 05/02/2025 00:28

I wouldn’t sleep in the loft or partition a room without proper ventilation to these spaces via a window. You could end up making yourself ill like that, we all need air to breathe at night.

Is the answer just not trying to make your bedroom also a lounge? Have a proper bed with proper clothes storage etc. Not having an actual bed is tough. I’ve lived without a lounge before and it wasn’t that bad (but it was before kids so maybe that comment isn’t helpful).

Flossflower · 05/02/2025 00:20

OP, you did mention that one of the problems you had with splitting the room was the window. A few years ago I knew someone that split a room right down the centre of a window. They had one large window split into 2 separately opening ones first with a PVC strip down the middle and the stud wall was against this strip.

somethingbeginningwithb · 05/02/2025 00:14

Sadly I have been in this situation - DH on settee, disabled DD1 in with me, autistic DD2 in her own room is the only set up that has worked for us.

frenchfancy81 · 05/02/2025 00:12

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/02/2025 19:19

7 years is a big age gap for sharing. Really, it’s not surprising that a 2 bedroom property has proved to be insufficient for your family.

Talk about state the blinking obvious...

Pussygaloregalapagos · 05/02/2025 00:10

I guess it is pretty normal in lots of countries and in UK is pace is short too. Pretty normal in Japan.

SausageMonkey2 · 05/02/2025 00:04

Look at Disabled Facilities Grant and talk to your local council.

Hamletscigar · 04/02/2025 23:56

Karmakamelion · 04/02/2025 23:45

That's not true. I shared with my sister who is 10 years younger and it was fine

Show quote history

I did too. Tbh if this was my family I would have three in one room and one in the other

Hamletscigar · 04/02/2025 23:55

Could you move to a cheaper area/region/ country? I worry for your mental health In this environment

Karmakamelion · 04/02/2025 23:45

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/02/2025 19:19

7 years is a big age gap for sharing. Really, it’s not surprising that a 2 bedroom property has proved to be insufficient for your family.

That's not true. I shared with my sister who is 10 years younger and it was fine

peekaboopumpkin · 04/02/2025 23:38

Spot the people who've never had a PDA kid.

If you're happy to accept that the OP is feeling stressed from having to have her bedroom in the living room, then you need to believe that the PDA kid will be feeling even more stressed about sharing a room with a sibling. It's an accommodation that they need for their disability. Not just children being difficult and disliking each other.

Sorry OP I don't have any suggestions that haven't already been mentioned. It sounds really hard and I hope you find something that works.

AlertBrickBear · 04/02/2025 23:26

RudbekiasAreSun · 04/02/2025 22:26

you got a house, make it work; some people live in families of 4 in 50 sq m flats in London , 1 bedroom , the parents take the living room

That’s nice 😊 I’m sure you meant to be really helpful, so just in case you misunderstood, the OP is actually here for advice on how to make it work! So you are in agreement, so what are your great ideas? 😀

Tigergirl80 · 04/02/2025 23:23

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/02/2025 19:19

7 years is a big age gap for sharing. Really, it’s not surprising that a 2 bedroom property has proved to be insufficient for your family.

What a horrible thing to say. You don’t know their circumstances for all you know they could have been trying for years after their first child was born.

Cakeandusername · 04/02/2025 23:17

Lady on instagram with diy Murphy bed is the.wisdom.family

RareMaker · 04/02/2025 23:16

Fishandchipsareyum · 04/02/2025 22:22

Thanks everyone who made helpful suggestions and understanding comments. I like the idea of splitting biggest room.

The room has a large window that takes up most of the wall, is there a way to partition the room like that against a window? Otherwise it would be 2 narrow rooms with one having no window option as no outside wall. Hope that makes sense lol.

We just put a stud wall up cutting a window in half with the wall. It works.

Sunshineandrainbow · 04/02/2025 23:05

Could you remortgage and extend the property.

I understand how you feel as I slept in lounge until dd1 moved out and it wasn't nice. It's the where to put clothes where to go after showering etc.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/02/2025 23:04

Do you have much equity in your house? Could you afford to remortgage, to give you enough cash to do a proper loft conversion? Would be worth looking into as it would add value to the house too.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 04/02/2025 23:00

Off the wall idea - are there any tv shows where families in need get a home makeover? I've seen some in the past, one stands out where a disabled child got more than just the wheelchair ramp the parents were looking for. They got a whole new room with en suite and a hoist plus ramped double doors into the garden.

A very long shot, of course, but someone gets lucky so why not OP? Don't ask, don't get!

Passwordsaremynemesis · 04/02/2025 22:59

Lovebirdslovetea · 04/02/2025 19:54

If the oldest is a teenager buy a summer house for the garden that they can live in

Seriously?🤣

CestLaVie123 · 04/02/2025 22:59

Google like mad for visual examples of all the things people are recommending here! Google small-space living for lots of tips & tricks. Organisation & clever storage are key.
Personally I think the loft bed is one of the best, easiest solutions. I have lived in a studio flat using one of these - bed above, living space below. Sofa, desk, whatever.

Another possibility is researching to find a few building companies that may have the specific skills to come in and design a plan to carve out another bedroom?

My brother has three children, they live with him 50% of the time - and when they are with him, he sleeps on the kitchen floor. Life is often not ideal. Best of luck OP.

JeanieWild · 04/02/2025 22:58

No not smug (or bitter) just realistic. I grew up in a crappy situation and didn't want that for me and my family.

Somehowgirl · 04/02/2025 22:52

BatchCookBabe · 04/02/2025 22:41

The big luxury dream bedrooms some people are posting (with a huge double bed over the top of another double bed, with a glossy staircase at the side) are hilarious.

As amazing as they seem, I am guessing the OP doesn't live in a house like The Beckhams. And Murphy beds cost £1000 to £1500... And converting the loft??? Anyone ever got a price for that? It costs THOUSANDS!!! And don't even get me started on 'built an extension/an extra bedroom.' Again, that would cost thousands!!!!!!

I am guessing the OP doesn't crap money every time she goes to the loo! If the OP could afford all of this, she could afford to move to a 3 bed house.

The ONLY answer to this is to get the 2 girls to share a bedroom. I find it wild that an adult couple is allowing their 2 children to push them out of the house's only 2 bedrooms, making them sleep in the lounge, living out of boxes, and with their clothes and possessions all over the place! 'Because they don't get on!'

Seriously?! Confused

They are autistic. My friend's autistic child has to be kept separate from his brother because he is dangerous. The OP made it clear they cannot share because of their autism.

A high double loft bed can be built in the living room. It is affordable and leaves the floor space clear for a living area. My friends did this and it looks fantastic. Very chic with built in bookshelf and desk underneath.

ChickChickBoom · 04/02/2025 22:47

We don't have luxury holidays days. We get the money DD one night away in a hotel a few times a year as our kids can't cope with being out of routine so it's not really a holiday.

I don't treat myself to much really not does my other half.

The money goes on food (shop in the cheapest supermarket), cars (we have to have two cars because of how far away school is), fuel, dental plans etc

We have one TV package, not all the big expensive ones. We cut them.out years ago.

MrWise · 04/02/2025 22:47

It was me posting that and I made it very clear it was a dream scenario wishful thinking. You can get a top bunk with a sofa underneath as a cheaper, realistic option if the OP was single, which I know she's not.

However, there are several of you that haven't a fucking clue about autism or PDA and your ignorance is showing. And embarrassing. It isn't a case of not getting on/not wanting to share. It is a case of not being actually able to because of sensory overload, rigid thinking and need for personal space/blocking out the triggers.
For the love of God, educate yourselves.

category12 · 04/02/2025 22:45

@BatchCookBabe Depends what "don't get on" looks like, doesn't it? It might be unsafe for them to be together.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 04/02/2025 22:44

What about a small conservatory? You can get DIY ones in almost kit form, with two solid sides, a glass front and a glazed roof. Not too expensive, and doesn't need PP. Put up a ceiling cloth and curtains on the glass front, and there's your bedroom.

If you have friends good with DIY, have a 'garden party' and get them to help install it, pay them with a homemade dinner and drinks maybe a BBQ, afterwards.