To ask this about abusive parents ?

^ I think this. Emotional immaturity and ‘needing’ their children so they never let you be your own person

There is no excuse though & I think my own Narc parent could have done a lot better

I have been reading ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ and it’s helped me a lot

I know with my mum after reading about it, she expected me to act like her parent. She wanted me to focus my energy on how great she was and also be there as an emotional punching bag if she needed to rage at something. She broke my confidence because anything I did which indicated I was going to grow up and be my own person meant I couldn’t be her captive cheerleader.
I don’t even know what it would have been like to have a supportive loving mother and sometimes I look at other mother daughters and wonder

Just listening to him now. Thank you for suggesting.

Some people have no capacity for happiness and resent it in other people.

I really can't imagine how any parent would want to harm their own child. Don't they feel that rush of love when they are born?
But if they have grown up in an atmosphere of violence themselves, I can see why past trauma would make them more susceptible to repeating patterns of behaviour.

I think they were not shown love as children, and they repeat what they know. I would bet very few are thinking about the long term consequences of their parenting in the way you describe.

What did you do to get over these feelings? Just squash it down? Did it ever go away and is your relationship with your DC as an adult affected? (Ie did you manage to develop a dynamic without these feelings?)

My parents are simply very immature people. This means they treat their children like a grumpy 2 yo might, biting when they are frustrated. Or a raging hormonal teen screaming “it's not faaaaiiiir!”
I don't think overall they want to hurt me, more that they are lashing out because they are feeling big feelings. And had no business having children.

Control. Pure and simple. If they knock you so much then belittle you then all you have is them meaning they have more power and control over you as your self esteem is at rock bottom so you cling to them as they are really the insecure ones. It is horrific but it happens. Happened to me, my mum thought she could control me all my life but she could not. I will never do it to my kids. It is abuse.

My father enjoys it. He'll be horribly cruel and then laugh at your reaction.
My mother, she just doesn't like to see anyone happy, or having what she thinks is a better time than she is. And again, she enjoys cruelty.

She liked to tell me I could go and play at a friend's house, for example, and when I got back she would scream at me for hours until she was literally frothing at the mouth, about how she'd never said any such thing. I'd made it all up out of selfishness, etc. She'd only stop when I "admitted" it.

Power and cruelty.

This is so good for what you’re talking about:

https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9781742377018/buddhism-for-mothers/used

Good point. When my daughter was young and I would brush her hair, everytime she wiggled I had to squash a response to hit her around the head with the brush. I never did but because my mum always did with me it was in me. I was so surprised when the feeling came over me. I’m naturally calm so it was easy to repress but it was there nonetheless.

Because they aren't doing it to you.

They live the definition of a selfish life and usually don't have the cognitive skills to think about reaping what they sow, and when they sow a problem the shrug their shoulders and ignore it.

They literally just care about instant self gratification. It's not about you.

Because they feel shit about them selfs so beat us to make them selfs feel better.
But as we grow they seem to think we will forget it but we dont we grow to hate them and they wonder why.
When you tell them you get told that didnt happen or in my case you cant live in the pass.

Well dear mother i ran away from home at 14 seen you 4 times in 24 year No i wont cry when you die as i dont nore have i ever seen you as a mother i wont be at your send off i have far more better things to do that day.
All your so called friends left you in the end due to your lies and finding out you was a monster behind closed doors.
If your wondering why your life is so fucking bad now and all your kids are NC and your alone look in the mirror you caused your own karma.

They are fucked up adults, wrapped up in their own problems, frustration and failures.
Many times they were ill treated themselves by their own parents, therefore bringing their issues onto their children.
I cut the circle by not having a kid, parents were highly emotionally abusive.
Not just myself, whole generation were forced to live with these small minded frustrates /another country/.
Step sister in a MH asylum, cousin decided he didn't want to live anymore at 28.
I have one surviving parent in said country, who is 82, lives in a massive family apartment
and I cannot wait to be able to claim my inheritance and start building my own life, no husband, no anyone else. 😜

That does ring true Ohbow.

Lack of awareness sometimes. Transfering their shitty mood onto their kids
and blaming them to make themselves feel better. I remember being smacked a lot when my mum was stressed. Also, if they haven’t been loved (which is a gift), they don’t have it to pass on. They don’t know how.

Jay Reid on youtube explains this extremely well.

I'll have a go: some abusive parents have a mentality where they have to constantly be superior/in control of others, even if their own dc have to take the hit. Especially their dc, as they can't get away.

The fact it might make you a more difficult child (it often doesn't, as a pp said) they couldn't care less, if anything they might get sympathy for that, and even more reason to tear the child down.

Love to anyone else who went through this.

Some are doing their best with bad mental health, addiction and shit personalities past trauma

some think they are doing a great job as parents but have strange ideas , I am thinking extreme parenting ideas such as v strict religious or extreme ideologies

im a loving parent who would do anything for my kids but my kids are on social media 10 hours a day and dont eat fruit or veg so some would see that as woefully lax verging on abusive parenting but the fact that I worry about it and am always trying to address these issues separates me from a “ don’t care” abusive mum to “trying my best” crappy mum

My mother was never more angry than when things were going well for me. My misery made her ecstatic.

Can you explain what you mean saying that children who are abused cause problems for their parents? I never did. Unless you count my rare happy days being annoying for her. I think you mean something else though?

I think power seeking, they usually want you to do ok in life but not better than them

Why do abusive parents behave like they do?

They were abused themselves?
They are under immense pressure / stress?
They have an abusive / unsupportive partner?
They have no, or very little outside support?
They think physical punishment is ok?

How do they? If you want your children to be your therapist and at your beck and call in childhood and into adulthood you don't want them confident as they'd tell you to sod off. You want them nervous and doubting themselves so they remain there to care for you.