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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepsons mum & my partner

86 replies

Davidson89 · 04/02/2025 19:10

I’ve had to name change of this as there are people on here who know me IRL.

I’m looking for some insight as to whether I’m being unreasonable and what to do about my partner’s manner in which he speaks to me and deals with disagreements.

We are both late 30s with a 4 year old DD. Partner has a 13 year old son and we have been together 8 years. Partner and DSS mum were never actually together but he’s been very involved in his life the entire time, pays well over the amount of money he should be, seeing him EOW, holidays split etc. He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

For context, DSS mum absolutely hates me. I have no idea why as like I said they were never together, I was never the other woman and I have always been kind to her son. However from the second my partner and I got together she tried to make things difficult eg distrupting their schedules, asking partner to drop things and coming running when she knew we had plans. When I fell pregnant and DSS was understandably finding the change tough she turned up at our home shouting abuse on the doorstep. She also tried to turn DSS against his dad which resulted him not seeing his dad at all for a while. It was awful for everyone and tbh ruined my pregnancy.

Anyway, things on the whole have calmed down a lot but DSS mum will continue to try to disrupt the schedule. We are happy for a bit of flexibility of course but it’s all the time and it’s hard as we both work full time and have a toddler ourselves and our lives require planning and organising. Every month it’s can you have him extra, can he stay an extra night (often an hour before he’s due to go back to mum’s) which can’t make DSS feel very good or reassured. We wouldn’t mind doing this but the flexibility is never reciprocated for example we asked to swap a weekend for my birthday with 3 months notice to be told no. We asked to drop DSS back an hour early as we had to take DD to a hospital appointment and she kicked up a huge fuss.

Partner and I have just come to blows over the phone as yet again she’s asked for an extra night. She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers. He told us this- so that’s fact. I don’t want to seem petty but why are we doing favours for her when she can never help us? And when she caused so much stress and upset. For context, she does no drop off or pick up, my partner pays for rugby club, school dinners and most of his clothes. And we (jointly) pay to take him on holidays/meals out/treats. His mum doesn’t pay for anything apart from basic bed and board

However, partner speaks to me awfully when I try to explain how I feel and how this seems unfair. He just thinks well it’s my son so what? And I do get that to an extent but he has myself and our DD too and it feels like DSS mum just calls the shots and has a huge influence over our lives and routines. He just shouted at me and said if I want to get anywhere I need to “stop this”. He then hung up.

I feel so stuck and that my feelings are not important or valid.

OP posts:
Dror · 09/02/2025 15:47

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:38

Actually that’s a good point
id not considered that
during all the years when he wasn’t able to see his son very much because of the ex… he was never motivated to address the issue legally?

Edited
Show quote history

Swathes of men out there who merrily leaves the drudgery of child rearing to their exes. The next girlfriends get told they 'can't' parent their kid because the mean/psycho ex 'won't let them' [weh]

Possibly a bleat about 'too expensive' to go to court, yet they mysteriously have the money to make more kids/car/holidays etc.

I can't understand anyone being attracted to such men.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:46

Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:44

@Bestthriller it was for Wednesday night

So a good few days notice
and he will walk from school, have dinner, do his homework, play on his phone, go to bed and get himself off to school the next day.

and yet you decided to cause a stink about it

im hoping you’ve authorised the visit?

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:44

but he hates rocking the boat with her for whatever reason

to the extent that he went years hardly seeing his son

Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:44

@Bestthriller it was for Wednesday night

OP posts:
Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:43

@Dror i agree. I told him to take her to court and get something formal put in place but he hates rocking the boat with her for whatever reason. Hence how he gives her to all her demands and I’m writing this thread. I suspect he thought she would withhold contact altogether. Also, we know now although only suspected back then there was an element of parental alienation. If a court asked him if he wanted to see dad he may have said no (under her influence). The change in contact was after a really tricky period where she was being very difficult with us

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:40

Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:39

@Bestthriller where are you getting yesterday from? It wasn’t for yesterday. Where are you getting these assumptions from?

So she has given notice?
because you said it was generally very last minute

Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:39

@Bestthriller where are you getting yesterday from? It wasn’t for yesterday. Where are you getting these assumptions from?

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:38

Dror · 09/02/2025 15:35

Why did your boyfriend not bother to sort contact with a court order? That's basic, bare minimum thing that would have meant he could parent his kid and shown he cares.

You shouldn't be with a man who shouts at you, does he make your life better, easier and fun?

Actually that’s a good point
id not considered that
during all the years when he wasn’t able to see his son very much because of the ex… he was never motivated to address the issue legally?

Dror · 09/02/2025 15:35

Why did your boyfriend not bother to sort contact with a court order? That's basic, bare minimum thing that would have meant he could parent his kid and shown he cares.

You shouldn't be with a man who shouts at you, does he make your life better, easier and fun?

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:31

I’m guessing you dug your heels in and your DSS didn’t come yesterday

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:27

Given his mother, in your shoes I’d be welcoming him every single time so he knew that he was always wanted with at his dad and sister’s family home

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:25

Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:09

Yes. He barely spends any time with her. On his weekends at mums she sends him to her parents, sleepovers with friends or asks us to have him.

And yes, we did used to have him more. 1 or two weekday nights too but she stopped that claiming it was disruptive to his routine. However it would seem she has no problem disrupting his routine by asking people to have him when it suits her social life

Show quote history

So even though you know this poor boy spends most of the time with his grandparents rather than his mother and no doubt acutely aware of her wanting to “off load” him..,, you still are kicking up a stink with your husband about last minute overnight stays above and beyond the 4 poxy nights a month?

Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:11

@arethereanyleftatall no one moved away. We all live in the same town 10 min drive apart

OP posts:
Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:09

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:13

She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers

but also

He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

🤔

Yes. He barely spends any time with her. On his weekends at mums she sends him to her parents, sleepovers with friends or asks us to have him.

And yes, we did used to have him more. 1 or two weekday nights too but she stopped that claiming it was disruptive to his routine. However it would seem she has no problem disrupting his routine by asking people to have him when it suits her social life

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 11:50

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:46

@arethereanyleftatall your ex never has his children at his own home and only sees them by coming to you house?

Edited

Bit of a mix now, it's changed organically over the years. We're good friends. So, yes he comes to mine once a week to see the girls, make their dinner, and drive them to their extracurricular stuff. I'm out that evening work/hobby. (He does plate me up some dinner though!). Then one of them goes to his on a weekend day, the other doesn't want to (she can't stand his gf) so he takes her out from mine when he brings dd2 home - they walk to a restaurant for dinner. It's all worked out well.
I do read these threads sometimes and think I wonder if the gf would say negative stuff about me, but everything is designed with our girls best interest at heart.

Lyracappul · 09/02/2025 08:39

I don’t mean to criticise you, but maybe change your focus.. perhaps these are the sacrifices of having a blended family.. I wish you and your two boys all the best.. it sounds like he needs you to be his rock as he enters those tumultuous teenage years..

Lyracappul · 09/02/2025 08:36

Surely you can leave a 13 year old alone with the TV, if you need to go to an appointment.. I think you just have to have an open house with love and welcome for that kid.. give him a key and let him come and go freely and parent him as though he’s your own while in your house? That’s his brother and Dad you live with.. He’s getting older now and more independent. Perhaps if it was you who had the child before the relationship, you would want your more recent partner to be accepting of your pre relationship child.. Perhaps that’s why your partner is silent as he may feel you knew he had his son and what that meant before you got together.. Eitherway your stepson needs, as a child, trumps everyone else’s needs, as he deserves loving homes where he is safe , loved and welcome.. whether that be yours or his mums.. you would want no less for your birth child.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 08:10

Your partner sees it as a bonus day with his son. He doesn’t care if his ex is messing him about, he is just glad to have the extra time. The boy is old enough to say how much time he spends where. If it impacts you (eg you have to leave early to drop him off etc) I think you can say something. Otherwise just let it go. Imagine only seeing your son 4 days a month, and you get the opportunity to have 5 and your partner gives you grief over it. The mother’s behaviour isn’t great, but she isn’t going to change. The parents need to sit down with their son and work out what he wants now he is a teenager. It won’t be long until you don’t have to deal with her.

JLou08 · 09/02/2025 08:09

Your DP is right, it is his son. Having his son isn't about doing his ex favours, it about being a dad. EOW and half the holidays isn't a lot is it? It's less than 50/50. If you want the relationship to work you need to back off. I wouldn't take well to someone telling me I do too much for my own children.

Newbutoldfather · 09/02/2025 07:55

People are, as ever, very harsh.

OP, I think there is a disconnect about how you feel, which is understandable, as people like certainty and being able to plan, and how your partner feels, which is paternal.

You do need to imagine what it would be like were you to split up and you to be asked to take your child for an extra night. You are hardly going to kick up a fuss and say no.

However unreasonable the request is, when you challenge your partner, he will take it to be devaluing your stepson and get angry.

Blueblell · 09/02/2025 07:53

I think given his age it is time to change things a bit and move on from set times for drop off. He has his own key and can be left alone. Over the next few years he should be able to arrange things directly with Dad. If he has a room at your house I would make him feel welcome and slowly let him lead on when he will go home ect. (Obviously Dad has to drive him) It won’t be long before he won’t mind going home to his mum being out and she won’t be able to control your routine.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:46

@arethereanyleftatall your ex never has his children at his own home and only sees them by coming to you house?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 07:44

This is all quite strange because he's 13 - old enough ti make his own arrangements with his dad. With regards to the hour earlier drop off - he's 13!! If he can't go home at 3, maybe she had a BF round which is surely allowed, then drop him in town and say don't go home till 4.

You're blaming and getting angry with her op but try and look at things from her pov. She is mostly likely looking out for her sons best interest. Who moved away? It would be disruptive to school and hobbies etc if you live far away. My ex moved away, so our deal was, he comes to my house ti see them rather than make them sit in cars. You've listed what he pays for - you'll find out when yours gets there but there's a billion more things to pay for than what you've listed. Also 'basic board' for a 13 yr old teenage boy who probably eats like a horse is expensive. Paying more that CM is standard.

Also you can't simultaneously say she offloads him all the time whilst he actually only has him 4 days a month!

Eviebeans · 09/02/2025 07:30

Davidson89 · 04/02/2025 21:38

I feel like this is becoming a bashing thread. My partner is a decent parent. He doesn’t ‘owe’ her anything nor does she ‘owe’ anything to us. This is just about being fair and trying to be respectful so everyone can get on with their lives without constant disruption and no one knowing where they stand. And also if one party is flexible and accommodating why can they same courtesy not be extended both ways?

To summarise…i have no issue with my stepson. I have no issue with him coming to us more often. As mentioned we used to have him more and this was stopped and we had no choice. I have no issue with what my partner pays. I am not bitter.

i am simply looking for advice on how to deal with this lack of structure and the way my partner speaks to me

It feels to me as if you have a partner problem (you say he’s a decent parent but he sounds like a rubbish partner to you) and if all else fails there’s a simple solution to that isn’t there. Perhaps you should stop thinking about what your stepson’s mum is doing and think about what you really want. What is the real problem in this situation

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 07:23

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:18

4 nights a month!

Show quote history

Sorry my mistake- I must have had a Freudian slip ( 4 nights a week would be fairer!)