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Original poster

My mum doesn’t like one of my DC

63 replies

Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:08

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often) but she really doesn’t like my 12 year old. This DC has ADHD so behaviour can be challenging. She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.
I think they realise this now as we very rarely visit her. I visit with my youngest(age 3) and sometimes the next oldest, but she simply cannot deal with the 12 year old.
it breaks my heart a bit that I have to ‘shield’ them from their own grandmother.
how would you handle this? Just continue to keep them separate from each other?

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/02/2025 17:46

You don't want to expose your DC to obvious unfairness from a grandparent.

Can you do activities with the DC and your mother where your 12 year old's ADHD won't be so much of an issue for her? Can you give her a book or video on ADHD so she knows what her expectations should be, or how to help him be less 'challenging', or how to act when he is challenging to help him calm down?

UndermyShoeJoe · 04/02/2025 17:41

It depends on what the behaviour is surely and how it’s managed.

Even as a parent you can find challenging behaviour hard to cope with.

DKaspre · 04/02/2025 17:38

Everyone will say YANBU but I wouldn’t want to spend much time around a family member with challenging behaviour either. How does this behaviour manifest?

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 17:30

Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:08

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often) but she really doesn’t like my 12 year old. This DC has ADHD so behaviour can be challenging. She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.
I think they realise this now as we very rarely visit her. I visit with my youngest(age 3) and sometimes the next oldest, but she simply cannot deal with the 12 year old.
it breaks my heart a bit that I have to ‘shield’ them from their own grandmother.
how would you handle this? Just continue to keep them separate from each other?

I wouldn't see her.

But that's me

Vertigo2851 · 04/02/2025 17:25

What is the challenging behaviour, and how do you manage that behaviour?

What sort of things does she do that are mean?

Dror · 04/02/2025 17:18

nutbrownhare15 · 04/02/2025 17:15

Unfortunately you can't shield your 12 year old by avoiding taking them. If she can't treat them equally I'd have to stop the contact with any of the kids. Otherwise it will be damaging your child.

This. How do you even go about dividing them up? 'you stay home, granny only wants to see the grandkids that she likes.'

Visiting a woman who plays favourites and drugs herself to handle being near her grandchild is not in anyone's best interests.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/02/2025 17:15

Unfortunately you can't shield your 12 year old by avoiding taking them. If she can't treat them equally I'd have to stop the contact with any of the kids. Otherwise it will be damaging your child.

Nationsss · 04/02/2025 17:14

Weyohweyoh · 04/02/2025 17:13

I would have a very frank conversation with her about her appalling behaviour and if she didn’t do something about it, she’d be nowhere near any of my kids ever again. Your 12 year old is not stupid and deserves better, protect them.

This.
No way would I tolerate that.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/02/2025 17:14

I would stop visiting her with any of my children rather than give one of my children the impression I accepted their grandmother's treatment of them

Not saying you do. But that's how it could well seem to them.

Lavender14 · 04/02/2025 17:14

I think it can be really different for some people to understand that a child isn't simply being naughty etc, and that they need to adapt their expectations of that child.

I think it's tricky because on one hand I can see why as someone gets older, they may struggle more with a child who requires more energy input than a child who can be more independent or sit and play quietly. But equally, it's not OK to make faces/ put them down/ be abrupt with them and make an obvious distinction.

I personally would call her out at a time when the children aren't with you and just say that it's at the point where your child notices they are being treated differently and it's hurtful to them. So either she stops it or you will have to visit less. You'll need to be prepared to follow through.

We have a similar issue in that my mum struggles with my nephew and it got to the point where he really didn't want to see her for a while but my sister was completely dependent on my mum for childcare so couldn't cut her out.

I think if you have the means to avoid seeing your mum then I'd be very honest, give her the opportunity to adjust her behaviour and then step back.

Your priority is protecting your child and their resilience and self esteem - not prioritising your mums feelings as harsh as that may sound. Often our family members are the first bullies our children encounter and as adults we should all be held accountable for our actions.

Weyohweyoh · 04/02/2025 17:13

I would have a very frank conversation with her about her appalling behaviour and if she didn’t do something about it, she’d be nowhere near any of my kids ever again. Your 12 year old is not stupid and deserves better, protect them.

Original poster
Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:12

Crazycatlady79 · 04/02/2025 17:10

Have you spoken to her about this?

Sort of. But she just says she finds it hard to engage with him. Then she’ll throw a Valium down her neck

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 04/02/2025 17:10

Have you spoken to her about this?