My mum doesn’t like one of my DC

Medical reasons or neurodivergence don’t stop behaviour from being challenging or unbearable to other people around you.

lots of anti social behaviour has a reason, that doesn’t stop it from being objectively awful to put with.

My DM is like this and for more or less exactly the same reason. My DS is 13 and has ADHD and she doesn't even try to understand how we parent him.

We completely blank out some milder behaviour because it makes him escalate if we tell him off. But she just thinks this means it's up to her to tell him off. Guess what... he escalates.

DD on the other hand can do no wrong and if I try to discipline her I am evil and abusing her.

We minimise contact and try to do days out or very short stays. I make sure I'm updating her on what both of the DCs are doing equally but even doing that she catastrophises and makes really unhelpful suggestions.

Yep it’s bloody awful. Especially when it’s constant bad behaviour and rudeness and any attempt to pull up the child or parent is seen as criticism.

you can’t win for trying. So you just pull back.

Can you explain more about how she is “mean and abrupt”? Are you confusing having boundaries with being mean?

Does your mum believe he has a medical reason for his challenging behaviour or dies she think you're an ineffectual parent. And is she right? No offence. Just asking as I know parents who have given up trying to patent properly and it's annoying when their kids damage my furniture.

You still haven’t said what you are doing about his challenging behaviours. If he is spoiling visits and getting people upset it’s unacceptable full stop.

You've both decided the best way to tackle this is to prevent the middle child spending time with their grandmother to make it fair to the 12 year old. The fact you feel it’s the child’s job to sacrifice a relationship out of “fairness “ to their sibling is absolutely ridiculous. Is there a reason their needs come second to the 12 year olds? It’s not their fault their sibling is challenging. Why should they miss out?

You’ve described a mother who’s been very supportive to you when you became a young mum, and a grandmother who is supportive to your other children. She’s told you she can’t cope with him which must have been hard. All children make silly noises and tease each other, your mum will be used to that so something else is going on.

Is he your favourite op? Because you seem to blame your mum instead of acknowledging that his challenging behaviour is having negative consequences for the rest of the family.

She didn't like your 12 year old from the moment he was born? How can you be OK with that? You seem pretty laid back about her excluding him due to his learning disability. Most parents wouldn't be OK with that.

Dh’s nephew is bloody hard work. So we harshly avoid them mostly. I’m sure my face isn’t always a great poker face. But then the parents parenting always seems lacking so adds to the lack of wanting to be near.

His other nephew is lovely which makes it extra hard. Abit like your mum not coping with one and being great with the other. So we just pulled away from both. A bit unfair on the nice one but yeah.

I find it so interesting how parents seem
oblivious how behavioural challenges in their children can effect them building relationships with wider family.

of course you as parents can weather and manage “robust” behaviour. Others cannot. It’s really bloody hard especially if left to babysit/care for said children.

however your mum making remarks or faces towards your DC is out of order and you should keep her away from the child as well as pull up her behaviour every time when it happens. Not after the fact until she gets it.

she might not even realise, she could just be auto responding but that’s still not ok.

I wouldn't visit her with any of my children if she made it clear that she disliked one of my kids. Visiting without him means that she is getting her own way and you are accepting her right to exclude him.

I think there's a difference between a grandparent struggling with a child or group of children because they don't like them and struggling with challenging behaviour.

Many kids who have challenging behaviour are bloody hard work to be around. I have one with adhd and she regularly reduces me to tears so I can quite see why someone who isn't mum doesn't want to deal with unpleasant and challenging behaviour.

Whilst I agree to a degree with what you’re saying… her mum is an adult and should be able to hide her feelings in front of the child!

Honestly I think that in many families it's not unusual for some grandkids to have a closer bond to their grandparents than others. It can be down to personality or distance or whatever it mirrors life later on where you will get on better with some people than others.
I think many of the older generation can be fairly intolerant of what they see as 'naughty' behaviour regardless of the reason or diagnosis' and you admit yourself that even you as his mother find him challenging to be around at times .
Having said all that mean behaviour from an adult to a child should never be tolerated . It's completely wrong.

It's disappointing your mother feels this way . But she is entitled to her feelings . Your own maternal instincts mean that you love him unconditionally . Unfortunately other people , even his grandmother may not . Assuming she is an older woman and has her own mental health issues she may be too overwhelmed.
You say you even find him hard work. The only way you can see him with her is if you are totally on board with managing his behaviour and cut visits short if it gets out of control. Asking her to have him alone is probably unrealistic don't keep asking because it will upset you when she refuses. Be thankful that she does try to give you a break by having the others.

It’s understandable that she’s finding his behaviour difficult to cope with. It’s this part that is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. 👇
”She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.”

My mum doesn’t like some of her grandkids, tolerates some and favours one. These are her own words but she makes it very obvious.

Then she wonders why now they’re old enough they never want to see her.

How does the behaviour manifest? One thing is not sitting still and engaging in sensible conversation, and another is running round her house, trashing her things and being rude and obnoxious (I am sure your 12 year old doesn't do this)

I wouldn’t take any dc to see her. You’re allowing your 12yo to be bullied. My in laws preferred one set of grandchildren to another set .. the other set (mine) saw it from approx age 11/12 and commented it to me. That was bad enough, so to have that ‘in house’ with actual siblings rather than ‘just’ cousins is horrendous. Protect your dc OP.

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often)

It sounds like your mum doesn't do well with younger children in general and finds it easier to interact with a young adult. This is actually really common. If you think back to your own childhood you'll probably see some evidence of this as she's likely always been this way.

To the problem at hand..Is there an activity that your 12 year old really enjoys that you could possibly involve your mother in? Could the three of you go somewhere or do something on your own? Let your mother see another side of the child; it's not all about just difficult behaviour. Let her be a part of something that the child really is enthusiastic about.

Completely breaking contact with you mum should be a last resort as it's likely going to cause a rift involving your oldest child. If they are close to your mum they'll likely feel like they're being asked to choose sides.

How does your child’s behaviour present itself?
Depending on this, I could possibly see both sides here.
There is, however, no excusing her allowing anybody other than herself to be aware of this. I would consider dropping all contact with the grandchildren - you can’t allow one to be the black sheep, regardless of reason.

Hmm this does sound absolutely heartbreaking for your 12 year old. However, I can't help but wonder what her side of this is?
You make reference to her taking Valium, is she unwell in some way?
Also, how does 12 year old's behaviour manifest or how has it in the past?
Has he hurt or been unkind to her or broken something precious?
Do you always intervene when he is challenging? Taking him out or redirecting him when she seems to be stressed or upset?
Every child deserves to be unconditionally loved by their extended family and from your account she does sound unkind however I wonder if it's worth reflecting on whether there are bridges to be built rather than simply walking away?
Just a thought...

It doesn't sound you actually like your mum, so you clearly understand the concept of finding certain relatives difficult. Why is it difficult to see that if your child's behaviour is particularly challenging/exhausting/stressful, it might be difficult for your mum to cope with it?

I'm assuming that if she's been prescribed Valium she struggles with her mental health. I'd cut her some slack. Your child is 12 and it does get to a point where 'challenging' behaviour at that age is something adults really don't have to put up with, whether the child has ADHD or not.