My mum doesn’t like one of my DC

So many posts being derogatory about the DM and her mental health while berating her for not understanding re the DS behaviour!
From the OP 'throwing valium down her neck' to the delightful 'WTF does she get Valium from these days?! I'd be very worried that this is contributing to her static behaviour. I wouldn't have any of my kids near her tbh.'

You really need to get him back to GP/paediatrician to sort his medication out. It’s not fair on him to not have something that may be helping him and how he feels.

That sounds like you should think about a different stimulant.

The non stimulant we have is Intuniv but there are several types.

Find your mother some reading materials about your child's condition. She won't be meaning to upset him.

Reality is that she is not equipped to cope with his behaviour.
I would not use your mother's poor abilities at caring for a child with excessive needs as a reason to stop all contact. That is not fair to your other children nor to your mother. You would also miss out on a useful babysitter.

Sit down alone with your Mum and ask her to please not show when she finds DC2 taxing. Remind her that it would hurt DC2 if he detected that she found him a challenge.

In the meantime, Op, you need to be there in the back ground making each family visit work. Predict when your DS2 will need a new game, outside time, more food (pack things he eats), and help direct your mother to know more about caring for him.

It might be that your mother will always feel nervous and uncomfortable; it will not be out of malice.

Happy to learn and be corrected re the meds. Just most of the time when prescribed things doctors always say it needs to build up. Everyday is a school day.

The amount of the ignorance toward neurodivergent children in this thread is absolutely astounding.

You realise that he can't help it, right?

WTF does she get Valium from these days?! I'd be very worried that this is contributing to her static behaviour. I wouldn't have any of my kids near her tbh.

I would wonder where your child's ND came from. If you have a look at parents/grandparents there is usually non diagnosed ND there. Maybe she is struggling with her own ND and his behaviour is a trigger for her. I absolutely agree that she should not be unkind and rude to him but equally your son's ND is not an excuse for rude behaviour towards his siblings. That must be very hard to witnesses.

My youngest has ADHD and my mother really struggles with that relationship so I understand where you are coming from. However, my mother clearly has ASD that was never diagnosed and therefore she is really triggered by the noises and behaviour of my dc. I talk a lot about excepting each other for who we are, for making allowance for adaptations that have to be made. Just has we have to accept my dc for who they are, equally we have to accept dm for who she is.

Then she’ll throw a Valium down her neck
You mean she'll take the medication she's been prescribed to help her with her mental health? Or is it only you and your children who are allowed to struggle with that?

I would suggest that she sees the kids together on neutral territory. A child with ADHD is going to be happier in a park or play area anyway. I would never visit her house with the children. It's probably rather stressful for everyone. Remember you can't change other people but you can change how you react to them.

Yes, lots of misinformation on the thread - stimulant ADHD meds don't work like SSRIs or other meds that 'build up.' It's like saying you have to drink coffee every day so the caffeine builds up in your system. ADHD meds do not need to be taken every day to be effective.

I should say I am talking about stumulant meds.

This just isn't medically accurate. Most ADHD meds work either in a short release or longer acting formula but the slow release still is metabolised within an average school day. They don't "build up" in your system and prescribers often recommend the child taking them when they need them. For example, my son doesn't take them at the weekend when he plays sport because he feels they dull his performance. He was recommended not to take them if he felt like this. They still work brilliantly during the week at school.

Lots of shady advice - people should do more research before offering it.

Also plenty of abelism about 'disciplining' and ND child - you sound like a good mum who has worked out what works for you. We use non-violent resistance and it has been a game changer for the relationship with our son and subsequently his very challenging behaviour (he has a hugely opposition defiant profile of adhd). 90% of the time he is lovely now (there is a strong evidence base to NVR).

I'm really fortunate in that my parents have taken the time to work with him and respect our methods so they are incredibly loving and patient with him which means he adores them and would do anything for him. I also have 4 kids and they show non favouritism. I'm so sorry your mum can't do the same.

This

My DS isn’t medicated at the moment (I’m looking into it but it’s very borderline with him whether it’s needed) but I think from what you say it might be in your DS’s interests to medicate at home too.

I don’t think it’s “drugging” him any more than giving a daily preventative inhaler is drugging an asthmatic child (my other child has asthma so that was the first thing that came to mind!)

I agree with this.

She wouldn’t be seeing any of my kids until she could treat them equally.

To be fair, I have had to educate my parents a bit about ADHD and ways of approaching things with my son who has it (youngest of two). But to be fair to them in turn, they were very receptive to it as they have always loved him even when they didn’t quite understand or know how to respond to him.

If you’re not giving him his med regularly they won’t actually be working to their full potential.

Think of it like taking the pill. You skip a weekend you won’t be protected from pregnancy (you may also get your period).

He won’t have built up enough in his system to feel Zen or calm and you risk the outbursts and behaviour he can’t easily control.

Take it full time and you are 99% protected.

If he’s on medication OP, you can’t really pick and choose when he has that - it doesn’t work that way for his body or brain! Give him his medication correctly! You’re not drugging him ffs 🤦‍♀️

What does she take Valium for? She's in her 70's, she's allowed to not be able to cope with a 12 year old being challenging and silly. I'd let her have the other two and see it as an opportunity to have time with him.

His adhd medication is not “ drugging “ him it’s giving him his medication that he is prescribed and needs to take for his benefit , in this case making a relationship work

you would not restrict astma medication for school time only , or think twice about any other form of medication for any other medical condition so why do it with ADHD, I’m not have a pop at you , it seems a lot of parents don’t like giving their kids adhd meds

maybe your mum needs some bonding time alone with the 12 year old ( whilst he is medicated) and they might get on?

@Shugarhound there is good evidence that ADHD meds are needed every day because to have a calm and relaxed home life and take part in out of school activities is good for DCs who have ADHD, and meds help with impulse control and planning what to do in those types of situations too.

If you are struggling with mornings and after school as we were then you could ask about a non stimulant background drug - it has helped us a lot.

We give his long acting stimulant every day too and the non stimulant you give daily and it acts all day every day.

if he’s being disruptive, of course I will tell him off, but once he’s got to the silly stage, there’s little I or anyone else can do about it, other than remove him from the situation, which means we all bee to go

How does school manage his behaviour?