Why does my MIL copy everything?

I think some people sort of lack imagination on how something will look and so look to others for inspiration. My DM does this a little bit -- but she does ask first and spreads it out across acquaintances. Her friend had a very particular jacket and she liked it and asked if she could get the same. They just added some home decor recently which their other friend had.

My mum had narcissist:borderline personality tendencies (never dx’ed of course.) One of her weirder quirks was putting people on a pedestal and then trying to be them. If she admired their style, she copied the same thing… to the point where she nagged Dad to have the house entirely renovated in the style of her idol - black marble, red glass, stark white, chrome. (Tres early 90’s) and then when she went off that person, put in expensive parquet floors, giant, resort-style basket weave ceiling fans and dark, oriental-inspired (knockoff) furniture. It was just so, so obvious and uncomfortable. She would also wear “their” clothes, buy a car the same, etc.

Looking back, I know my mum had no true concept of her own identity or how she was actually perceived. She changed the story to become the style icon/hero and was the only one whoever believed her narrative.
*She did a crapload of far more harmful things, but this I think was very much part of her psychology.

My MIL does this, but with everyone. A friend started learning piano so she bought an electric keyboard.

I got into Asian cooking...so did she.

Her daughter bought a new piece of tech...so did she.

Her sister bought a new Gin....so did she.

It's predictable, laughable and very odd. Like she has no taste or opinions of her own.

You say that overall she is good to you and that she is unhappy with her husband. Therefore, I’d let this go.

One of my adult DDs is living with her boyfriend at his parents house at the moment. They've got the space, DD and boyfriend are paying rent but saving to get a house, so it's lovely of them ect ect nice people. The mum is a retired nurse. She only has sons, 4 of them, the older ones have all moved out now and she openly expresses how she is enjoying having my DD living there with her youngest son for a bit of womanly company. Which is v sweet.

However things have taken a weird turn.
DD wanted to start a bit of yoga, bought a mat and followed a you-tuber. Asked to use the spare bedroom floor. Bit of space, bit of peace, all ok. Because DD works full time she aimed at after tea. MIL bought a mat and started being in there doing it after tea. DD changed times and MIL did too! The room is not big enough for 2 mats. DD stopped (and actually goes to the leisure centre class after work now) and MIL's mat is now gathering dust ....

Last summer DD bought herself a recliner deckchair as she had noticed a certain spot in the otherwise shady garden which gets a bit of sun. She adores the sun. This little patch is teeny. A tiny spot right down the bottom of a long terraced garden, out of sight of the house, which happens to catch the sun between the trees and a high fence. She would read or sleep in the sun. MIL, who had honestly never bothered sitting in the garden AT ALL, suddenly began to do the same. DD would get in from work and find her already in the spot, so that was that for her during the week and she aimed at going down if the sun was out on the weekend. 2nd weekend DD got up and began getting her chair out of the shed and saw MIL see her out of the kitchen window. MIL shot out of the house and literally legged it down the garden and just sat on the bit of grass!
DD went back in and won't bother this summer she says it drives her too mad.

It's lots of little things. DD bought a book on Japanese skin care. Didn't even mention it to MIL but read it in the living room once. She couldn't afford the range. Couple of days later the whole range was delivered to the house for MIL !

It happens with clothes. Nails. Even a certain style of glasses, which DD was very pissed off about. Shes wears glasses full time and had splashed out on a lovely pair of frames which suited her well. Guess who got the same !

She tells me and we laugh about it. This woman is retired and the things she is doing is not to do it with DD because there isn't the space. She's just getting in the way! It's costing her a lot one way or another - I don't know what's going on in her mind.

DD and BF expect to move out next autumn so it's not for much longer.

With my parents it was because they lacked confidence in their own decision making and trusted DB and mine more! This carried into holiday destinations, which optician to use, furniture and household appliances and cars
Used to drive my SIL mad, I would just divert them by helping them choose
Thankfully it didn’t apply to things like perfume or clothing

That’s interesting about the ND in the family. Women in particular have been under recognised for their ND until very recently. Loads of undiagnosed elderly people about, both male and female.

I agree it’s strange and it can be annoying behaviour as the person being copied but it’s very unlikely to change as a strong need of the person who is copying. Whether it’s arising from ND or trauma or MH issues or all of those things.
That is, unless or until another significant person to for them to copy becomes bigger than you in their life. But you don’t have control over that.
Just worth trying to find a way to reconcile with it in your own mind OP short of expecting the behaviour to change any time soon. I wish you well with it.

Sympathy, OP - My DMIL does similar. DH's work gave us a very generous gift for our wedding, and for her birthday just after she asked him and his siblings to buy her the exact same thing (even though she had a perfectly good version of it already, albeit a cheaper one). Or when we finally re-booked our honeymoon a few years after it had been originally cancelled due to COVID, she got brochures for the same type of trip but the more expensive options we hadn't been able to do.

I think there can be lots of different motivations for it. In my DMIL's case I think she has pride in how much money she has now versus when she was growing up, so material possessions, and particularly knowing she can afford more expensive brands or versions of things, help to reinforce that. I'm not going to interfere with that so whenever she does it we don't say anything, but I totally get that it takes the shine off the treat, OP, particularly if it's something you've spent a lot of time looking into/cost a lot of money, and then someone else can just snap it up seemingly without the same level of thought.

Jumblebum What a brilliant lovely post and great advice. Yes we have this in wider family group/ friends and it s a form of ND masking. it’s also about not having very happy relationships and thinking mistakenly that ‘things’ make up for that.

It’s not worth your time getting het up about this, in short, OP. In my experience people who ‘copy’ have much bigger issues going on than you do, if you are just feeling a bit put out that someone else has the same blender or car colour that you got. It doesn’t matter does it, just take a breath and move on. If it’s too hard for you to move on, then be kind to yourself but check in with yourself about why you are needing to impress other people with your own purchases. Nothing is being taken away from you here, in reality.

I'd sell my car, rent one for long enough for her to buy the same model/design, then rent another one and observe what happens, etc., then finally buy the one you want. I'd borrow/swap bedding/coat etc from a friend then return it when she buys the same one. Repeat as above. OK, a tad extreme, but she'll get the message.

Print out the forms for emigration to Australia, tell her you are excited over a new life. Sit back and hope.

I'm sure she hadn't elevated her own son to "partner status"...that's quite spiteful of you actually.

It's silly to trade in the car just because your mil has it....do you dislike her that much??
Lots of people will have the same car as you anyway....

@Aroundthetwistyvines its so interesting that you mention your DM telling you about people admiring her (your?!) things. I experienced the same: ‘everyone was looking’, ‘I was the best dressed at the party’. It’s like they’re seeking validation somehow.

Actually, maybe you should mention that you’re getting a tattoo of your husband’s face on your arse or across your chest and see how long it takes until she does it…
That ought to make your husband stop minimising your feelings about how intrusive and weird it is, and she might stop when you laugh at her and tell her that she fell for the ultimate prank.

Why do you care???

Am so surprised by these answers.
You should be mad!! 😡
She's continuously ripping off your ideas, work, joy and taste.
If you were a brand you could sue her!!
Next time say something sarcastic or "don't you like being unique, freak?" That should stop her 😉😉😉

Why don't you ask her

"If I got a nose piercing would you too?"

"How about a tattoo?"

"An e-bike?"

"Trailer tent?"

I can understand if you're close to your Mum. Dm, and I aren't close, so maybe this is why is irks me so much 😂I might be closer to a MIL, but I don't have one!