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Original poster

Don’t want MIL living with us

203 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:34

I feel awful writing this. My MIL is the loveliest. I feel like the grinch. My husband really wants to move her in to help with the kids and have a closer family unit but I feel like it’ll be more of a hindrance than a help. I love my privacy. Walking around, hair looking a bit crazy, don’t have to worry about nobody judging me and my parenting skills. And above all I feel like if husband and I disagree then it won’t be 2 against 1. Has anyone ever had a successful story with any in laws moving into your gaff?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 04/02/2025 08:24

Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:20

10 minutes away! We see enough of her

Show quote history

So she's perfectly close enough to pop in and give ad hoc help now and then anyway. Absolutely NO need for anything to change.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 04/02/2025 08:23

Tell him they can share a room and you can have the one he wants her to have. Because there will be no of That Business with her under the roof....
Or tell him stats show it's 'traditional' to ltb when they have ridiculous ideas!!!

Monstermashermashedthemonster · 04/02/2025 08:23

Big fat no from me I wouldn't want my mil living with me, just like I wouldn't want my own mum living with me.

Kitchensinktoday · 04/02/2025 08:22

In-laws wreck lives. You can't have two queens on one throne.

Radiatorvalves · 04/02/2025 08:21

Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:01

Why did you need them can I ask? Was it too hard with the kids?

Show quote history

I worked full time with an hour commute (very little wfh then) and DH was in the forces and away. Kids were in nursery all day but there was no logistical way I could manage without APs. No family support but fortunately we were fairly well paid. Despite niggles I’d do the same again.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/02/2025 08:21

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/02/2025 08:16

Maybe a self contained annex with it's own front door or a separate property at the bottom of the garden would be a good compromise.

Is he actually just jealous of her being close to his brother? Or is his brother fed up? Cheaper than her renting.

This is a really bad idea.

The OP would still suffer from a lack of privacy because her MIL would be able to come and go between the house and the annexe as she pleased. Unless she didn't have a key to the main house and had to make an appointment/knock on the door to come in, which doesn't sound like her DH's intention.

And then in later years if MIL needs care, the OP is lined up to do it. The fact that MIL has her own front door won't make the blindest bit of difference.

Once you've spent thousands building an annexe for someone you can't then say, "Actually, this doesn't work for me, please move out."

Codlingmoths · 04/02/2025 08:21

I think you’ve got to say really clearly, I don’t want this. It wouldn’t feel like my space, I want my home to feel like my space. You need to stop pretending you haven’t heard me and stop talking to her about it, as it will be shit for you to then have to say to your mum actually no you can’t live here I have to choose between you moving in and my marriage.

ChristmasLightsLover · 04/02/2025 08:21

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2025 07:39

Absolutely not. I'd rather get divorced. Genuinely.

This. Every time.

Dearg · 04/02/2025 08:21

Absolutely not from me. MIL suggested moving in during lockdown, but even before then DH understood that if she moved in, I moved out.

I do think you need to be really frank with your DH, but is he coming up with this idea because you are struggling with the dc?

Boredwiththeoldusername · 04/02/2025 08:20

MIL lived with us for 2 years when our DC were small. She did help out with the DC but once they started nursery and kept bringing home colds etc her health rapidly declined (she developed COPD and after one particular hospitalisation left to live with BIL). We also had NO privacy and she didn't feel confident enough to join in anything outside the home so made no new friends and we became her sole entertainment. Did I mention the lack of privacy? And lack of kitchen space?
Just nope. And I wouldn't move in with my DC either unless it was a seperate annex and I was fit and able to make new friends and have a seperate social life.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:20

RadFs · 04/02/2025 08:19

Hi @Justlivelovelaugheat why did you DH suggest that? Where does your MIL currently live?

10 minutes away! We see enough of her

OP posts:
Wilfrida1 · 04/02/2025 08:19

Speak directly to your MIL and say you value your good relationship too much to risk it changing due to her moving in together.

RadFs · 04/02/2025 08:19

Hi @Justlivelovelaugheat why did you DH suggest that? Where does your MIL currently live?

Lilylamp · 04/02/2025 08:18

Also, if you’re a SAHM, your DH is looking to absolve himself of his share of parenting by moving in his mother.

It might be different to have extra help if you both had busy careers.

That would annoy me. It’s not a help for you, but a help for him!!

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 08:17

HideousKinky · 04/02/2025 08:15

Is there any possibility of a granny annexe for your MIL?
This would be a compromise in which everyone had their own space/privacy

No not anytime soon.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 04/02/2025 08:17

CaptBirdsEar · 04/02/2025 08:15

Can you make a self contained area in your house for the mil? That way there's less day to day contact with her?

No!!! Terrible advice. DO NOT DO THIS!!

Autumn38 · 04/02/2025 08:17

I’d consider it if she was in an annex. I love my PILs and would live right next to them but couldn’t actually live in the same space as them long term. This would be the same as with my own parents and I think DH would say the same.

maybe suggest an annex to DH or she moves in next door? But if that’s not possible then it’s got to be a no surely?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/02/2025 08:17

Justlivelovelaugheat · 04/02/2025 07:46

Like 60 still very young and sprucey. The problem is now DH is sold on the idea!! He wants to buy a house and live with many family members including mom as he believes it’s “traditional.” I know I’d get so burnt out having her around. I want to feel comfortable in my space.

Show quote history

You need to say, "I don't care how sold you are on the idea, DH, I don't want her to move in so it won't be happening. Please don't bring this up again unless you really want to hear the word "no" a thousand different ways."

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/02/2025 08:16

Maybe a self contained annex with it's own front door or a separate property at the bottom of the garden would be a good compromise.

Is he actually just jealous of her being close to his brother? Or is his brother fed up? Cheaper than her renting.

Devon24 · 04/02/2025 08:15

That is moving her in. Annexe or not.

Lilylamp · 04/02/2025 08:15

It would be a fuck no from me 😂

Worst nightmare. Fine for a 2 night visit. Over Christmas it was 4 nights. It was not good for our marriage!!

My MIL is a nice person I’d happily be friends with (same interests etc), but to live with nope nope nope. She’s a fair bit older than yours and very set in her ways.

Devon24 · 04/02/2025 08:15

CaptBirdsEar · 04/02/2025 08:15

Can you make a self contained area in your house for the mil? That way there's less day to day contact with her?

NO.

HideousKinky · 04/02/2025 08:15

Is there any possibility of a granny annexe for your MIL?
This would be a compromise in which everyone had their own space/privacy

CaptBirdsEar · 04/02/2025 08:15

Can you make a self contained area in your house for the mil? That way there's less day to day contact with her?

Devon24 · 04/02/2025 08:14

You are not the Waltons op. Your dh’s expectations are unrealistic.

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