To struggle with envy about other people's kids...

I totally get this. On balance I've decided I actually prefer it when friends don't walk on eggshells and talk freely about their DC (as long as they aren't droning ON and ON about how wonderful their DC are in a way that would be insufferable what ever the circumstances - but I've gently exited myself from those kind of friendships!)

It bloody stings of course by I find it easier to just face it head on. I find the self conscious avoidance of certain subjects and the sad sympathetic faces is actually worse. I dunno, maybe in some ways it has similarities to when people avoid talking about someone who has died for fear of "reminding you". As if it were even possible to forget for a single second.

I do find it very hard when people try to express empathy by offering some sort of comparison from their DC's lives (unless they are actually going through similar, of course). I completely understand why people do it and I'd probably do the same if the situation was reversed, but it has the opposite effect and actually just highlights the gulf between our experiences I much prefer a heartfelt but unsentimental "That's sounds like shit, and I'm so sorry you're going through it".

I gave up the battle (after fighting it pretty much every day since she was in year 3).
I keep wondering if I’m doing the right thing but it was destroying my mental health, my job and our relationship.
It got to the stage where she would run away even if I did get her in and our whole life had become focused on trying and failing to get her into school.
I am really hoping that with help she will be able to make her own way in life. It’s not in any way how I was expecting her life to go and I constantly blame myself for messing it up somehow.

I don't avoid my 2 v close friends ... they get it and aren't really having loads of conversations about uni offers when I'm there. But then they can't win.. I also hate that these conversations are having to go on without me there like they have to temper what they talk about in front of me! It's lovely that they are mindful of it but I hate that this is a thing too.

@jeaux90 ditto with my son. I have found a college course that only needs a few pretty low grades at GCSE and I think he'll likely go there to either do that or just resits. Right now I wish I could just fast forward the next three months of every morning dreading the "is he going in today" battle ..which I am now starting to just not fight for the sake of my own sanity. I've got everyone on my back telling me to be tougher and blaming me and wondering why I can't "just make him" work. It's awful.

I hear you op. My daughter is just a few years younger. People just don't appreciate how different life is. Sending solidarity to you.

Hey OP. AuDHD DD15 is about to take her GCSEs and I know she will probably have to resit. Shes not allowed to stay at her school as she won't get the results and I'm torn about what to do for the best next.

It's so touch watching other NT teens sail through, have normal friendships etc when my DD tries so hard to do the same.

It's hard and you are NBU.

I'm just going to jump on here .I can't write much now but this is all spot on for me and so helpful, though sad, to know I'm not alone. I hope we can keep this thread going as a support.

Ive been struggling with this also, its a sort of grief for the life your child should have had that really hurts. I find I'm avoiding friends who have children who have moved on with their lives when my son seems to be sinking further and further into despair. It is tough op.

I completely empathise. I have two DC with conditions or illnesses that came on later in primary school. There is such a contrast between their younger years where I felt like friends and I were all in it together, and the current situation after illnesses and diagnoses, where an innocent conversation can end up feeling heartbreaking with the stories about all the things their DC are doing that my DC ‘should’ be doing.

You will probably have seen this piece of writing already but I found it very relatable :

Welcome To Holland
By Emily Perl Kingsley
.
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

You are all bloody fabulous mums and your kids are lucky to have you.

Your feelings are entirely to be expected OP. You clearly love DD and are rightly proud of her but the worries you have about her are absolutely brutal and all consuming IMO.

Since becoming a parent I've lost a parent, discovered DS' dad had gambled our savings and home equity, been a single parent of a toddler, been unexpectedly left by my husband and DS' beloved step dad, lost my job, got divorced and moved house twice. In terms of difficulty, worry and grief none of these things came even slightly close to the way I felt when DS had a period of poor mental health. It is brutal to see your DC struggle and my heart goes out to you.

A lot of this sounds very familiar. I have a 16 year old who has attended about 2 days in total of year 11 due to anxiety and extreme phobias.

i am really struggling with any chat about GCSEs, prom, college, festivals, holidays, parties etc as they seem so far outside my daughter’s world at the moment

Thankfully my friends are very supportive and keep telling me that she’ll be ok in the end but the process of getting her to be ok (battling doctors, camhs, asd assessments, ehcp assessments etc) is exhausting and slow.

I have actually pretty much made peace with the fact that she likely won’t get any GCSEs-I don’t even think she will be able to take them and that she probably won’t go to college next year but actually at present she is good company, funny and quite sweet which is a million miles away from the angry, secretive, risk taking, self harming girl she was this time last year and at least we have a better relationship to build from.

I so get you.

My DD is doing great just now but she essentially missed the first two years of high school while she was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD, and had an horrific period with her mental health.

I stopped seeing a lot of people because it was all chat about how much their kids were loving high school, and the French exchange trip, etc, and I would sit there knowing I'd spent the night cleaning up the cuts on her arms and the blood off her bathroom floor.

I don't know what to say to you, except do whatever keeps you all safe and sane.

Totally get it. My older one is struggling through a levels and my younger one is being expelled for her adhd behaviour

I've pretty much ghosted all my friends with kids because I just can’t bear it tbh.

I'm really glad you've found it helpful, OP. I've found it helpful too so thank you for starting it. I hope you get a good night's rest. Tomorrow's another day and all that!

OP I could have written your post. My DD is slightly younger at 16 but everyone else is looking at colleges to do A levels and she’s just scraping through life. You are not alone. There’s a whole world of parents of neurodivergent children out there. I keep getting asked about homework and mocks and GCSEs, none of which my DD will do as she cannot cope. She’ll do 4 GCSEs hopefully. Her friends seem to meet up in town etc but she sits in her room. They all have phones but she doesn’t as she’s too vulnerable

Not necessarily, it is very individual how much either condition impacts a person’s ability to function

@notwavingbutsinking

Yes this! In fact (in the spirit of gallows humour) when we are having a few good days and you let yourself start to believe that this could be it I often say 'it's the hope that kills you'

Spot on!

If someone could just say 'look this bit is going to be really hard but they WILL be ok' then this would all seem easier to bear... but we can't see into the future.

Yes, yes to this. I feel this too. It's also so hard to constantly walk that tightrope between fighting for them and being hopeful for the future, and accepting of the reality of the now. I find that constant contradiction is mentally exhausting and holds us stuck in this awful limbo - unable to fully make peace with the fact their lives, and thus our lives, are not what we hoped. Because we can't make peace with it, because we have to keep hoping and fighting.

I often think of the famous line from John Cleese's character in Clockwise — 'It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand."

Hi Op. another one here. My DD is almost 18 (ASD/ADHD) and the last 5 years have been incredibly tough on everyone. Mainly her but as a parent it's so heartbreaking isn't it?

I think the age where real change is happening (going off travelling / going off to uni etc) brings yet more challenges as it reality is as if everyone is moving on.. which makes it more poignant.

Like you, I am still good friends with 3 mums in particular and our DDs have been friends for years. They were all going to the university open days last year, now all of the offers are coming through, talk of gap year travels etc

I love their DDs and really want them to flourish and have great lives... but I want that for my DD too.

They are mindful of it as we are close but a went to a few gatherings over Christmas with wider circles all parents of teens the same age and I agree it's really hard. Like you I always gave it my all.

Mine really struggled with school, missed at least 2 years of secondary school with anxiety / depression. Managed to get 5 GCSEs but then wasn't able to cope with A levels.

Now we have no plan as such. She's very up and down and we never know what's coming. I'm starting to look into apprenticeships but I don't know if that will work either.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and agreed.. it takes over your whole life / mind.

As someone has suggested up thread.. I have tried to start doing more for me. And that's not less for her, but just carving out time for things that will bring me happiness and distract me from the worry.

If someone could just say 'look this bit is going to be really hard but they WILL be ok' then this would all seem easier to bear... but we can't see into the future. I honestly try not to look too far into the future as that's too panic inducing. We just need to keep the faith.

I haven't been too bothered so far by other parents' stories but we're only at age 13 and this is where it is getting hard.

What I've struggled with more is friends who have at some point moaned about' that kid' in their child's class or before that pre school. It starts to be apparent ' that kid' is probably Autistic/ADHD. ( You end up recognising all the signs in the end 🤦.

The other thing is hearing people talk about feckless parents who can't get their kids into school or who should just make sure their kid behaves and wears their full uniform and blazer etc. This is what I have personally struggled with. It makes me look at them differently tbh.

There is nothing better than being in the company of or talking with another parent who understands because they're in the same boat. You don't even need to explain any of this stuff because they just get it.

I totally understand how you are feeling OP. My DS1 was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 18 he is now 21. It is painful looking at photos of him growing up he was just so carefree and happy the total opposite of the anxiety filled young man he is now.

I'm sorry things are so tough OP.

I think you need to see less of these friends for a while. No point torturing yourself is there?

I have been rather pleased to ditch one particular pair of parents from primary. Their child was nice enough and DD liked her but my god the showing off. Read the room, people!

I love that Baz Luhrman quote someone posted up thread.

I hope your DD will find her tribe eventually. My friend's DD was a selective mute and had an eating disorder when she was 14 and finally diagnosed with ASD. At 20 she's doing rather well. Her parents are so proud! It is touching to see their joy in her doing things like driving and starting on HEd.

I get how you feel, my sons 7 and on the spectrum and it's just blindingly obvious he doesn't really have proper friends, people in his class have parties and play dates and things, we don't get invited to anything like that. It's hard because you can't even put them out there for stuff because they won't enjoy it.