Page 3 | How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 2025-02-03T17:54:13+00:00

Hi ladies! I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life! I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my ^trouser cannon^ every day. Fucking TROUSER CANNON. Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist. Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter. Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter. Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine. I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/03/2025 14:56

Aren’t mums allowed to be miserable, @ElectricLegs - or is it people discussing it in public that is so, so wrong?

mommatoone · 21/03/2025 14:54

@ARichtGoodDram - ooh karma's a bitch eh!? Love this 🤣🤣

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 13:03

TaggieO · 21/03/2025 10:48

Me!

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I am so pleased. There seems to be a lot of misery on MumsNet (a forum for parents by parents - according to the top line of every page).

I spotted a quote from Martha Washington earlier that I thought was apposite:

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition".

NakedCivilServant · 21/03/2025 12:47

ARichtGoodDram · 21/03/2025 11:58

My ex horrified a lovely lady he met on tinder. They had 5/6 normal dates and then at his place after being at the cinema he began telling her all about his maintenance scam.

He'd been made redundant from a very well paying job just before Covid. Got a low paid job during Covid which had slashed his maintenance payments. He'd since (long long since) left that job and gone back to his very well paid line of work, but hadn't told his ex wife or ex girlfriend, both of whom he pays maintenance to (not to me as our children are adults).

He was bragging to her about how much he was saving and what he was spending it on.

She took a photo of his work pass with his employee number and a couple of other things, tracked down his ex wife and ex girlfriend on social media and told them about the new job. CMS assessed and his payments nigh on doubled (and are more than they previously were).

He still regularly moans on social media about being betrayed 😂

I've never met the woman but I would 100% buy her a drink because it's absolutely hilarious knowing how fuming he is!

What a fucking hero that lady is.

ARichtGoodDram · 21/03/2025 11:58

My ex horrified a lovely lady he met on tinder. They had 5/6 normal dates and then at his place after being at the cinema he began telling her all about his maintenance scam.

He'd been made redundant from a very well paying job just before Covid. Got a low paid job during Covid which had slashed his maintenance payments. He'd since (long long since) left that job and gone back to his very well paid line of work, but hadn't told his ex wife or ex girlfriend, both of whom he pays maintenance to (not to me as our children are adults).

He was bragging to her about how much he was saving and what he was spending it on.

She took a photo of his work pass with his employee number and a couple of other things, tracked down his ex wife and ex girlfriend on social media and told them about the new job. CMS assessed and his payments nigh on doubled (and are more than they previously were).

He still regularly moans on social media about being betrayed 😂

I've never met the woman but I would 100% buy her a drink because it's absolutely hilarious knowing how fuming he is!

TaggieO · 21/03/2025 10:48

ElectricLegs · 20/03/2025 19:56

Has anyone here met a lovely man and got married to them through some form of online dating?

I met mine through an advert in a newspaper's (long before dating apps) "lonely hearts" column and we spent many happy years together.

Me!

Matildahoney · 20/03/2025 21:52

I met my late husband online (together 13 years), and also my second husband (together 5 years so far), I still have plenty of horror stories though.
Didn't quote @ElectricLegs

ElectricLegs · 20/03/2025 19:56

Has anyone here met a lovely man and got married to them through some form of online dating?

I met mine through an advert in a newspaper's (long before dating apps) "lonely hearts" column and we spent many happy years together.

Sideorderofchips · 20/03/2025 18:41

Never fear ladies the men have come to set us right 🙄

I have given up on dating.

1st one. Spent time telling me all about his various hospital visits and broken bones from motorcycle crashes

2nd one we went to dinner and then he told me I had too much baggage with my children (that I clearly stated I had in my bio) and that I shouldn't enjoy spicy food as it isn't lady like

3rd one told me after a month that actually he was going to be due in court soon after sexually assaulting his ex wife.

I am now happily single and celibate with cats.

hotandpermi · 20/03/2025 15:25

I have a few awful ones from my younger days.

met this guy handsome, funny, good job, seemed normal - 30mins into our first date he started talking about setting up a date to meet his parents and moving in and getting married in the next few months ! I thought he was joking. I can confirm he was not. Deadly serious.

I said I think we are just friends and made me excuses to leave - so ran out as fast as politeness would allow me. So he decided out date had gone so well, after I left I received a dick pic and a message saying he’s ready and waiting for me to change my mind. These messages did not stop, I blocked him and then he found me on social media, even messaged my mum saying I had left him heartbroken and I was the “one” and could she talk some sense into me. My mum thought I had been dating him in secret for months because of the message he sent her. Her face when I said it was our first date…

was young and naive and genuinely thought I hadn’t been clear with him. My older self wants to smack this guy around the face, I was crystal clear he didn’t want to hear the word no as it dented his ego.

lLovelt experience on POF was I received my first message from a 72 year old man (I was 20 something at the time) asking if I wanted to be his sugar baby and then detailing a v strict list of requirements he would need in a life partner- one of which was cannot be older than 29 as women in their 30 thirties just want to have babies and he’s not ready to settle down 🙃or looking for commitment of any kind, he also said that he would require regular “servicing”. This guy looked like a cross between a v v fat boris Jonson and a toe.

grim

Original poster

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 20/03/2025 10:53

Agapornis · 20/03/2025 10:49

I think I have to become Pegging Woman on my next attempt at OLD. What a heroine.

It's fabulous isn't it, I think I'll try it too.

OP posts:

Agapornis · 20/03/2025 10:49

I think I have to become Pegging Woman on my next attempt at OLD. What a heroine.

Original poster

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 20/03/2025 07:13

I always find it so strange why men are on a women's forum. And why they feel the need to 'balance out the thread.' You really don't need to balance out the 'bias' @kokoish- there is a huge IMBALANCE on male to female sexual assault, domestic abuse and violence.

But poor menz. Let's all feel sorry for them because there's a thread highlighting just what men are like. I also agree with PP that the pegging woman was genius and you @kokoish saw straight through it.

poor menz!

OP posts:

Original poster

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 20/03/2025 07:06

ThisFluentBiscuit · 18/03/2025 21:54

This thread is depressing.

If you vetted your dates more thoroughly, you could avoid many of these awful situations!

Ag, good old victim blaming.

OP posts:

TicklishBeaker · 19/03/2025 15:26

TwistedWonder · 19/03/2025 09:25

Absolutely 💯

Of course it’s our fault that these men lie and put on a good act.

I’ve had 8 dates in 5 years my vetting process is so strict and I’ve still met a few absolute duds who reveal their true colours in person pretty quickly.

But then i remember the first rule of misogyny is that women are always responsible for what men do apparently. Can’t have the menz take accountability for themselves can we?

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And let's not forget, the men that change, and show their true colors after getting what they want.

ElectricLegs · 19/03/2025 12:21

TwistedWonder · 19/03/2025 09:25

Absolutely 💯

Of course it’s our fault that these men lie and put on a good act.

I’ve had 8 dates in 5 years my vetting process is so strict and I’ve still met a few absolute duds who reveal their true colours in person pretty quickly.

But then i remember the first rule of misogyny is that women are always responsible for what men do apparently. Can’t have the menz take accountability for themselves can we?

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We only put on make-up so our lies are arguably less sinister!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/03/2025 11:53

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/03/2025 08:15

Here we are,the man has arrived to introduce balance to the unbalanced thread
No one made you arbiter to introduce balance or speak up for the misrepresentation of men. When women talk about sex and OLD it is usually uncomfortable because of the actions of men. Go address men,get the men to be balanced, to moderate their odious behaviour

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I couldn't agree more, @Zone2NorthLondon. If you are still reading, @kokoish, I hope you are also on more male-oriented websites, lecturing them on how to behave respectfully, honestly and politely towards women but I'm not holding my breath.

TwistedWonder · 19/03/2025 09:25

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/03/2025 08:06

Boom! There we have it. Blame the woman for what a man does

Don’t over burden men with responsibility for their own actions- Of course it’s the woman fault for not choosing a more suitable suitor

Some men they have a good social veneer,present as capeable,write dating narratives that omit their nasty predilections. But it’s the woman fault for lack of vetting

Faiilure to adequately vet, that’s up there with shouldn’t have gone out wearing that…shouldn’t be out so late. All statements that apportion blame to women for the inappropriate behaviour of men

Show quote history

Absolutely 💯

Of course it’s our fault that these men lie and put on a good act.

I’ve had 8 dates in 5 years my vetting process is so strict and I’ve still met a few absolute duds who reveal their true colours in person pretty quickly.

But then i remember the first rule of misogyny is that women are always responsible for what men do apparently. Can’t have the menz take accountability for themselves can we?

TicklishBeaker · 19/03/2025 09:11

kokoish · 18/03/2025 16:48

Hi I would like to offer a guy's perspective here. First off before I even go there the whole world of online dating (particularly Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc) has hugely skewed the way people interact and probably to the detriment of lasting and meaningful relationships. That does not mean that they cannot be found but there are a lot of people on them who are there for one thing only and if that is also your thing, then go for it, but otherwise I would proceed very cautiously.

I like to think I was one of the genuine guys there who had a brief spell in 2020 dating before I abandoned it completely. In truth I was not ready for any relationship at that point but I did enjoy meeting ladies, if not to break the monotony of a single life staring at the walls etc. Sex-wise I never talked about it or pushed for it as I was not really after that anyway (that could follow after rapport was built in my mind).

However the whole "situationship" culture has only grown because of these apps. There are a whole load of men, and women, out there after an undefined, open and sexual relationship without committment. The problem is there will often be one in that (initially attractive) scenario that seeks committment. Many men out there will not follow through and then run off. What this does to your spirit in the long run is probably not a good thing in my opinion but you may differ.

Finally just to offer my horror stories up one lady only would meet me if she could wear a strap-on and peg me up the backside before I was ever allowed to have regular sex with her. This was all made very clear within the first few minutes of chatting with her.

Another woman, who worked and lived in a nursing home and on her 4 day break made it clear that she needed relentless sex to satisfy her immense libido which I think only a rugby team could have satisfied. To get me hooked in she sent unsolicited explicit videos of herself masturbating. Again these were sent almost immediately.

Never met either of them by the way. I don't do "crazy". Just thought I would balance out the threads above as they were a bit biased one way!

Blimey!!!

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/03/2025 08:15

kokoish · 18/03/2025 16:48

Hi I would like to offer a guy's perspective here. First off before I even go there the whole world of online dating (particularly Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc) has hugely skewed the way people interact and probably to the detriment of lasting and meaningful relationships. That does not mean that they cannot be found but there are a lot of people on them who are there for one thing only and if that is also your thing, then go for it, but otherwise I would proceed very cautiously.

I like to think I was one of the genuine guys there who had a brief spell in 2020 dating before I abandoned it completely. In truth I was not ready for any relationship at that point but I did enjoy meeting ladies, if not to break the monotony of a single life staring at the walls etc. Sex-wise I never talked about it or pushed for it as I was not really after that anyway (that could follow after rapport was built in my mind).

However the whole "situationship" culture has only grown because of these apps. There are a whole load of men, and women, out there after an undefined, open and sexual relationship without committment. The problem is there will often be one in that (initially attractive) scenario that seeks committment. Many men out there will not follow through and then run off. What this does to your spirit in the long run is probably not a good thing in my opinion but you may differ.

Finally just to offer my horror stories up one lady only would meet me if she could wear a strap-on and peg me up the backside before I was ever allowed to have regular sex with her. This was all made very clear within the first few minutes of chatting with her.

Another woman, who worked and lived in a nursing home and on her 4 day break made it clear that she needed relentless sex to satisfy her immense libido which I think only a rugby team could have satisfied. To get me hooked in she sent unsolicited explicit videos of herself masturbating. Again these were sent almost immediately.

Never met either of them by the way. I don't do "crazy". Just thought I would balance out the threads above as they were a bit biased one way!

Here we are,the man has arrived to introduce balance to the unbalanced thread
No one made you arbiter to introduce balance or speak up for the misrepresentation of men. When women talk about sex and OLD it is usually uncomfortable because of the actions of men. Go address men,get the men to be balanced, to moderate their odious behaviour

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/03/2025 08:06

ThisFluentBiscuit · 18/03/2025 21:54

This thread is depressing.

If you vetted your dates more thoroughly, you could avoid many of these awful situations!

Boom! There we have it. Blame the woman for what a man does

Don’t over burden men with responsibility for their own actions- Of course it’s the woman fault for not choosing a more suitable suitor

Some men they have a good social veneer,present as capeable,write dating narratives that omit their nasty predilections. But it’s the woman fault for lack of vetting

Faiilure to adequately vet, that’s up there with shouldn’t have gone out wearing that…shouldn’t be out so late. All statements that apportion blame to women for the inappropriate behaviour of men

CruCru · 19/03/2025 07:56

ThisFluentBiscuit · 18/03/2025 21:54

This thread is depressing.

If you vetted your dates more thoroughly, you could avoid many of these awful situations!

In fairness, I’m not sure how women can avoid being sent dick pics by men they are chatting to online. Unless you put on your profile “Do not send me dick pics” - it should be obvious but it seems that it isn’t.

ElectricLegs · 19/03/2025 07:23

I chose Tinder because it meant one less night in alone with the cat.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 18/03/2025 21:54

This thread is depressing.

If you vetted your dates more thoroughly, you could avoid many of these awful situations!

CarliLove35 · 18/03/2025 19:06

The woman who apparently insisted on pegging the bloke before he could shag her, is an absolute genius. 😂
So many creepy pervs think anal is normal sexual activity - mostly because they watch too much porn. She's very cleverly turned the situation around and Man Here (trademark) fell for it, bless him.