How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

Not the point of the thread but that was my first thought too!

During covid, just as restrictions were ending but before you could eat inside I'd been talking to a guy for a while. Seemed pleasant and articulate. Met him once and he seemed OK so agreed to meet for lunch next time.

Ate lunch, was nice, but freezing as outside. He invited me back to his place as close by. I agreed. Got to his and it was almost hoarder house level inside, clutter and mess everywhere. He gave me a tour of the house but refused to show my the upstairs area that he used (he had moved back in with his mum) because it was too messy 😐👀. He made us a cup of tea in grubby kitchen which we took to lounge and then started to try to kiss and fondle. That was the point I belatedly made my excuses and left! Shame as he had seemed so nice in the written messages lol.

Took a train to meet a guy ( he asked me out for lunch). We went to a cafe ( just your average cafe) and sat down to look at the menu.. l said oh I will have the jacket potato with tuna mayo. £ 5.50. A fanta orange £1.60.
He took ages looking at the menu .. then stood up and said " come on we are going I'm not paying these prices".
I was so hungry having had no breakfast and was an hour train ( cost me £12 )..
We ended up walking round town.. l thought we were looking for another cafe.. just as we were passing a Greg's he gave me a pound coin and said " here get in the queue and buy yourself a sausage roll on me"
I threw the pound back at him and walked off in the direction of the train station.

Dating again after being widowed four years, he had been divorced from effectively childhood sweetheart and mother of his children four years, all very amicable. Then I found out in those four years he's bought a house with someone else and married a third person. I asked him if the second divorce was also amicable... "no, ha ha, she even accused me of rape to the police"

Did you date Basil Brush ??

Beam me up Scotty!

We do, partly because we’re careful who we make them with 😂.

Maybe he’s another one with a trouser cannon.
Boom. What a fuckwit.

I met a guy when I was a teen, he was older. He was up in Scotland working from England. He took me to hotels after dates. I was a troubled teen. Looking for love and attention I guess. He then went home and told me some elaborate, obviously false story abut having to go abroad to find his lost family member or some bullshit. I just stopped contacting him. Been used a few times by men when I was a teen and they were older. One was a boss I had.... One was another idiot who was commitment phobic and another was a colleague who was sex mad... ugh I regret them all.

Even my 1st arse of a boyfriend was 21 and I was just turned 16. Sad when I think back.

There was a few other losers in the mix too.

Met my husband at 21 and now 40. He is a nice man, but he is Neurodiverse ( which I wasn't aware of at the start , until we actually had kids )

Omg 😂 😂 😂

OLD (bumble though not tinder). Profile clearly said 'have children, don't want more'. Matched with a guy, chatted a bit then met for coffee. One of the first things he said was "is the no more children thing negotiable" . I said "no, it isn't," He said "really, even having met me now I still couldn't pursuade you to have my child" . So I said "well I have only met you for 10 mins, but I definitely don't want more children with anyone."
His response, "let's have a proper date, you will be begging to have my babies before the nights out" 🤢🤢🤢
Declined the offer of a proper date!!

To be honest it was the best date we ever had , just for the comedy value .

Couldn’t make that up if you tried! Ha bet he was gutted!

Jesus Christ!

David Brent?

He had to confess he had made up the story as they shared a surname and had similar looks . TBH I didn't like the band so the fake brag was wasted on me .

Excellent timing - what did the bf say? 😂

Not quite the same type of story but when I was 18 I dated a guy who told me his cousin ( R) was a member of a famous band . He looked quite similar , had the same last name and his family came from the same place in the UK , so I believed him . We went to a club in London and my BF was ordering drinks at the bar and "his cousin R " walked in . As he and his entourage walked past I got up and spoke to R and told him his cousin( my BF ) was here . At that point my BF returned and R looked blankly at him and said " that's not my cousin , never seen him before " .

"Yes I think you’re right. How would your vulva clamp shut?"

Like a clam, protecting the inner contents (including the vagina).

On a first date (and last) date w/a man who asked me my nationality. When I said German he said oh yes, big feet small boobs. I couldn't get out of there fast enough

Would you believe he chased me and harassed me for months after that awful date. So gross and rude

Some of them are such actual pond life.

I datsed a guy briefly during my OLD period who was almost a foot shorter than me. (I know, I know). Initially I thought he was funny and charismatic enough that I could get past it but I couldn’t.

After two dates I politely blew him out but wished him well. He flew into a rage saying he knew it was about his height etc. I backed away but said I liked him and no hard feelings and he called me a bitch.

So that was the end of that you might think until six weeks later he messaged me on Instagram saying I know it’s never going to happen between us but can you send me a photo of you in high heels???

I then blocked him on Insta and he popped up on Facebook/WhatsApp, you name it. He was continuing to try to contact me on various social platforms for a further four years, well into my current relationship.

Madness… if I had behaved like he did he would have reported me to the police.

Women are always being accused of being hysterical and irrational but men are far worse in dating.

He used his son's photo who was about 27 ... Turns out he was about 47 and he couldnt figure out why I wasn't interested. Hm I'm 23 pal.

Pre-internet dating .. in fact pre-Internet .. none of your WhatsApp or any of that.

Met this guy in a club, he was gorgeous, manager at a fashion store in the local city. I put in the work over a few weeks.. always talking to him when I saw him.. weeks of this.

Anyhow, finally had a break through .. back to his for (hopefully) a great night. Get to his bedroom, when he asks me … did I mind if he put in his Star Trek outfit he had in his wardrobe. Yes, I very much minded…

Not really OLD, but the best I've heard is this fella went up to my mate and said, can you tell me the way to the town hall

No idea where it is, she said

Can I have a shag instead, he said

I mean come on

I think it would be a bit like a Venus flytrap,but without the fly inside!