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Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
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6
nadine90 · 03/02/2025 19:49

I was much less assertive in my younger days. Got chatting to a guy on POF. All seemed fine while we were texting. Then he asked to call me. In the space of half an hour he:
said he didn’t mind me being at uni as long as there weren’t lots of guys on my course.
told me a “hilarious” story about sliding a homeless man a “bank note” that was actually a piece of paper saying something horrible.
made a joke about KKK - I thought I just didn’t get it until he confirmed his racism by saying he hates his bus because it’s always full of n words.
I was afraid to speak up on the phone but made my excuses and text shortly after saying I was no longer interested as I can’t stand cruelty or racism. He then tried to argue with me saying that I hadn’t told him I didnt like racism 😳 as if that’s something you need to say about yourself! Well thank fuck I didn’t or he might have masked his nastiness til I had the misfortune of meeting irl!

Scirocco · 03/02/2025 19:43

moochermini · 03/02/2025 19:42

I've had a man call it this throbbing member.

Absolute fanny drier.

He might need some antibiotics, that sounds unpleasant. Possibly septic.

waterproofed · 03/02/2025 19:43

witwatwoo · 03/02/2025 18:13

He said 'boom' at the end of sentences - 'I'm going into town - boom !'
Also used 'I'm on fire' a lot. Pity he wasn't

Pity he wasn’t 🤣 LOL

Lowcarbonated · 03/02/2025 19:42

Fandangles · 03/02/2025 18:59

There’s a guy on Instagram who takes real OLD DMs and turns them into songs. I’ve lost a good long while laughing (whilst also despairing at the horrendous attitude of some of these men). His name is lewky or something similar. Well worth a look!

Omg I have watched some of those about 30 times ! I got obsessed at laughing at them over Xmas. Just so so funny.

moochermini · 03/02/2025 19:42

I've had a man call it this throbbing member.

Absolute fanny drier.

Scirocco · 03/02/2025 19:40

Spooky2000 · 03/02/2025 19:35

No, but Ethan Peck as Spock in Strange New Worlds... Oh. My. God. 💓💓😋

Show quote history

Or Anson Mount as Pike...

Loloj · 03/02/2025 19:39

Not online dating but a guy at uni was chatting with me in my room lying on my bed. He had this god-awful belt on with a massive buckle which I couldn’t help but notice. He saw me look so I said “your belt is interesting”. He replied “yeah i really like it. I wear it as it’s sexy and makes my package look even bigger” Wtaf 🤢. He was 100% serious and was so cocky. He would also try to act macho and puff out his little pigeon chest around other guys to make himself look bigger. Needless to say it didn’t develop into a relationship!

Ceebeegee · 03/02/2025 19:39

I've posted about this incident before but this threads suits....

Arranged a first date with a guy . I turned up to find that the guy had brought his toddler along to the "date". I should have just left immediately but I sat and had my coffee in stunned silence whilst he basically interviewed me for the job of stepmother.

pollyglot · 03/02/2025 19:39

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · Today 18:28
Not quite the same type of story but when I was 18 I dated a guy who told me his cousin ( R) was a member of a famous band . He looked quite similar , had the same last name and his family came from the same place in the UK , so I believed him . We went to a club in London and my BF was ordering drinks at the bar and "his cousin R " walked in . As he and his entourage walked past I got up and spoke to R and told him his cousin( my BF ) was here . At that point my BF returned and R looked blankly at him and said " that's not my cousin , never seen him before " .

Couldn’t make that up if you tried! Ha bet he was gutted!

Well, tbf, I have a second cousin who is a REALLY famous singer and married to a REALLY famous actress, but who wouldn't know me from Eve.

ServantsGonnaServe · 03/02/2025 19:38

Sparklybanana · 03/02/2025 19:05

This was before Internet dating so I am that old. Met him at work and went to on first date. Was very boring. He then informed me that i was going to meet him at a cafe for coffee. I made my excuses and he said he expected me to be there. I said I wouldn't be there. He went ballistic when I didn't turn up. I had to deploy the 'shh an't shhhh ear you, it's a ba shhh ine' or ignore him for him to get the hint. He sent me an 'anniversary' text a year after our date. He came from Dubai - i had frequent nightmares about being kidnapped for a few years! I'm so glad that date was boring 😄.
Then of course there is the 'i was in the army' type bloke. Special ops. Can't tell you about it. The 'I'm full of shit' date. I feel sorry for those men genuinely in special ops - they must find it hard to keep a date.....

Special OPs os the scammers playback. Thank goodness its such an obvious red flag!

OnlyThickBeans · 03/02/2025 19:38

icelolly12 · 03/02/2025 19:03

A match I'd been chatting to and getting along fairly well with, although a few red flags were waving- such as he instantly replied to my messages, I mean within seconds as if he was staring at his phone all day.

Anyway, he sent me a daft tiktok, but his account name was his real name. I googled it with his location and the first few results included a local news report of a court case- he was found guilty of harrassing his ex. The details of his harrassment did not make for pleasant reading. I'm so glad I googled him. Always do this.

Edited

Me too - I remember my now husband telling me vaguely about his ex etc. I knew her name and everything about them because her FB was all open. Despite them having broken up 5 years before. I knew his family, her family, his work life. Google is a wonderful thing.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 03/02/2025 19:37

LooksThroughaGlass · 03/02/2025 18:48

I wondered if it was a typo for VOLVO and something to do with closing the boot.

Totally off topic but my first car was a Volvo and my cockney mate shouted across to her boyfriend in our local "ere! Charlotte's got a Vulva!". Well yes...

Sorry, as you were.

HonoraBridge · 03/02/2025 19:35

Anyone who writes “off of”. Sorry but it’s true.

HS1990 · 03/02/2025 19:35

Tinseltuttifruitti · 03/02/2025 18:51

I always wondered if things would be better with a matchmaker, apparently not!

I had a guy once say "please, I'll be quick" when I declined to hook up with him Confused

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Not matchmaking....we have our own apps for Muslim singles so its very much like OLD but also gotta keep it halal 😄

Spooky2000 · 03/02/2025 19:35

Scirocco · 03/02/2025 19:12

Original series, TNG or DS9?

(Let's be honest, nobody's going to bring out Enterprise or Voyager)

Show quote history

No, but Ethan Peck as Spock in Strange New Worlds... Oh. My. God. 💓💓😋

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/02/2025 19:34

Cinema date 1990’s. Arranged by phone after we had met in a bar.
He was late and when I got in the car there was a box of Maltesers on the seat. He had pre-bought them in the shop to ‘save’ buying them there.
When we got there we were late, the film had already started and he suggested going to a very fancy bar.
Then told me I could get that drinks in, as he was the transport… and had bought cinema snacks.
Three rounds in I asked to go home.
As I went to get out of the car I took the Maltesers and he was fuming - he wanted to take them back for a refund. £1.99!
I went in and had a cuppa with my mum and we scoffed the lot. Told everyone in work the next day.
Years later he randomly came into my work to do a presentation to a hundred of us, I’d told one friend and then it got round. And just as he got all his gear ready she shouted…
‘Welcome to the stage, Malteser Man!’

aLittleWhiteHorse · 03/02/2025 19:33

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 03/02/2025 18:44

Did you date Basil Brush ??

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Priceless!

Thank you 🙏

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 19:33

Can your vulva actually 'clamp up?'

Misses point of thread.........

Edit: I see I am not the only one to think your 'vulva clamping shut' makes no sense! 😬 Your vulva can't clamp shut. As pps have said, the word should have been vagina!

OnlyThickBeans · 03/02/2025 19:32

I married a man I met on tinder. 9 years and two kids on and very happy!

Errors · 03/02/2025 19:32

Everintroverte · 03/02/2025 18:39

OLD (bumble though not tinder). Profile clearly said 'have children, don't want more'. Matched with a guy, chatted a bit then met for coffee. One of the first things he said was "is the no more children thing negotiable" . I said "no, it isn't," He said "really, even having met me now I still couldn't pursuade you to have my child" . So I said "well I have only met you for 10 mins, but I definitely don't want more children with anyone."
His response, "let's have a proper date, you will be begging to have my babies before the nights out" 🤢🤢🤢
Declined the offer of a proper date!!

Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man

Saggyknickers · 03/02/2025 19:31

First date with a bloke Id chatted to briefly in a bar. Turned up to the bus stop outside the McDonald's we'd arranged to meet at and he was fifteen minutes late. I was just about to leave when I saw him come around the corner and then approach and talk to two girls before he then saw me and came over - turned out he couldn't really remember what I looked like except I was blonde and had mistaken one of the girls for me (who was about a size 18 and I was size 10!) to be fair to him we were pretty drunk when we first met.

We then went to a bar where he proceeded to tell me he had just escaped death the month before running away from the collapsing twin towers in New York. "Yeah yeah what a bullshitter" I thought. At this point he was irritating me slightly as he didn't shut up and then to top it all off his glasses suddenly swung apart in the middle - it turned out he was late bc his glasses had broken before he left the house and he'd tried to mend them with glue. I must admit I found this hilarious and I started to quite like him.

We've now been together for 20-odd years!

(And the twin towers story turned out to be true!)

Pussycat22 · 03/02/2025 19:29

devildeepbluesea · 03/02/2025 18:57

Messaged a guy for quite a while, then met up a few weeks ago. Had a couple of drinks, we were out 2 hrs max.
When I get home he starts with the overtly sexual messages, and how he’s all hard thinking about our date. I put him straight, that I have no interest in fake sex with someone I’ve had 2 drinks with. He continues to message with inappropriate stuff (although nowhere near as bad).
Last night I’ve had enough and tell him I’m not interested and wish him well. Apparently I’m still in love with my ex. Er, no pal, I’m just not interested.
Then he asks if we can just be FWB when DD is at her dad’s.
“No thanks” says I before deleting and blocking.

FFS. What is wrong with them?

Desperate.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/02/2025 19:28

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 18:23

Pre-internet dating .. in fact pre-Internet .. none of your WhatsApp or any of that.

Met this guy in a club, he was gorgeous, manager at a fashion store in the local city. I put in the work over a few weeks.. always talking to him when I saw him.. weeks of this.

Anyhow, finally had a break through .. back to his for (hopefully) a great night. Get to his bedroom, when he asks me … did I mind if he put in his Star Trek outfit he had in his wardrobe. Yes, I very much minded…

If his name was Matt, it's a very, very lucky escape. I minded, left quickly. and then read about what happened when he took his PC in for repair about five years later...

witwatwoo · 03/02/2025 19:27

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 03/02/2025 19:24

Trust me to encounter a Basil Brush purist, or are you the posters former date ? 😁.

I bloody hope not - boom boom !!

Lalalalalal2222 · 03/02/2025 19:27

I've had a few strange encounters but this one sticks out for me. If the man reads this he will know it's me but oh well 😂

He lived 45 minutes drive away from me. Most of that 45 minutes is on the motorway. We got on well despite the distance and decided to meet. We even went on the phone. Didn't go on video.

We planned to meet on a day but he decided to arrange the time on the actual day as I was poorly with flu. I had tested negative for covid. He was adamant he wanted to meet that day instead of another so he said to let him know when the best time is on the day if I was well enough. This was when covid restrictions were being lifted so we decided to go for a McDonald's instead as the pubs were quite limited. (very classy I know)

I woke up around 0800am and messaged saying I was still poorly and that I was gonna get a few more hours sleep. He said that's fine and to get a few hours sleep and to message when I wake up. I woke around 11am I had a few missed calls. And a few WhatsApp messages from him. He had driven the 45 minutes to the nearest McDonald's to my town (he only knew the town not the actual address) and we have a few McDonald's round my area. And he was messaging going "do you have a red car I can see a woman like you in a red car" "I might drive and see if I can spot you" things like that. He even took pictures around the area and sent them to me saying "look where I am".

I messaged back and said that the day before he told me to message him to let him know whether I was well enough or not and to tell him the time on the day. Same with the morning messages. I also said why have you driven down to my way when I hadn't yet responded. He knew I was poorly as he heard me on the phone.

It was weird. I never met him. I told him the constant calls and messages were weird and that it was weird he had tried to spot me driving around.

Later that evening I found him on Facebook and blocked him in case he tried looking me up.