Page 2 | How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 2025-02-03T17:54:13+00:00

Hi ladies! I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life! I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my ^trouser cannon^ every day. Fucking TROUSER CANNON. Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist. Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter. Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter. Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine. I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

hotandpermi · 25/03/2025 19:15

Maybe some “incels” lurking on this thread. What they per phase don’t realise the “us women have it easy” was a bit of a give away. That and men and women have completely different writing styles.

It seems baffling to me that these men proclaim they are single and not by choice. When bad behaviour by men or women, is a choice. If no one wants to date you - and you want to be in a couple- it’s a sign you should looks inwards at yourself and behaviours. Not a sign blame the other gender for having standards higher than the floor.

Some mumsnet threads show the standard women accept from men isn’t exactly high. So if your not meeting that bar…

Rant over.

On a second note - did anyone hear about that lady who had been dating a guy on tinder and found out he had prepped his flat to murder and dismember her (protective sheets and all) once police raided his house or some such jazz

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 16:54

Sampler · 22/03/2025 15:53

@ElectricLegs what an epic piece of shite have I just read ? Catch yourself on. You probably think the Tate bros are misunderstood too.

Awww, leave @ElectricLegs alone, they're giving us a proper good giggle with that pile of hilarious bogshite! 😆

(I agree they are probably a Tate Brothers fan!) 😬

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 16:52

Saggyknickers · 22/03/2025 21:09

You turned him gay 🤣🤣🤣

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😂

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 16:52

notatinydancer · 22/03/2025 14:29

Should be vagina in this context 🙄

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I agree. 'vulva clamping shut' is hilariously wrong! 😆

Great thread though!

FamilyFool · 25/03/2025 16:32

@Missmarplesknittingbuddyyou are hilarious!! 🤣🤣

Saggyknickers · 22/03/2025 21:09

Brodiegottheastoblowyouaway · 22/03/2025 09:59

Not an online date but one set up by a friend. I had a bit of a yen for Jarvis Cocker at the time and she set me up with this .....erm ....man. He rocked up dressed like Russell Brand (aside from the rather unattractive sexual predator vibe) I did not like the cut of his jib. He slowly sleazed his way around the round table until he was sat on the same side of it as me. My chair was wedged around the leg so I couldn't move. How weird it would have looked to onlookers. I managed to move the other side and told him I needed space to eat. He then started stealing food of my plate and making orgasmic noises about how delicious it was. I did enjoy the food but stood up half way through the meal and shouted in the middle of the restaurant asking him what he fuck he was doing got up and left.
I managed to get to the bus stop in a very uneventful way and he caught me up saying something about how I owe him a shag for my embarrassing behaviour in the restaurant. I went to get on the bus and he tried following me so just as he was about to get on I held the pole by the door and swung my leg to quite literally kick him to he kerb. Nasty sleazy little fucker. I've seen him since he is married to a lovely man. Poor bloke having him in his life.

You turned him gay 🤣🤣🤣

Sampler · 22/03/2025 15:53

@ElectricLegs what an epic piece of shite have I just read ? Catch yourself on. You probably think the Tate bros are misunderstood too.

MoveOverMoon · 22/03/2025 15:15

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 19:39

I apologise to those who are rattled by my comments. It just seems that we have little positive to say about men here. Most of it doesn't come over as funny either, but I suppose it depends on one's sense of humour. It often seems more like spite.

My life has been full of decent, if all too fallible, men, and I have appreciated all of them, warts and all. Of course we all come across the odd prat, but in my life they have been few and far between. Perhaps I have just been lucky. Perhaps it is the way I treat them, accepting and understanding their faults, whilst realising that I have my own.

As women we have life on easy mode really. How many of us have been cleaning the sanitary items off screens at sewerage plants, digging holes in the road, taking on the dirty and dangerous jobs? Most of us have been lucky enough to be sitting in warm offices when we have gone out to work. There will always be exceptions of course. We all know a female firefighter or paramedic, but on the whole we shy away from jobs like that.

When we are in trouble next time, a breakdown at the side of the road for instance, I for one will be glad when a man stops and offers me help, especially when I can't move the car off the road on my own. I can understand my male former colleagues who say that they now don't stop to help a woman out because it's not worth the risk. We need to remember that we are on the same team. Divide and rule is spoiling it for everyone.

🙄🙄🙄 FFS. Go away.

Happywife9 · 22/03/2025 14:37

sadly 100% of my friends who met someone online who appeared to be worthy of a relationship (by that i mean male, age appropriate and seemingly sensible in the array if trash on the apps) have ended up divorced

married a guy after accepting his proposol a week after he divorced
carbon copy of above
he stole money from her
he used her to get training and pay off his debts, once he felt more successful in life left her for a younger woman

i suppose this could have happened in real life - i think the apps just give these guys access to women they would never organically come across in real life in higher numbers - they also can pretend to be something they are not

mind you men have done this for years it was just always easier to assess in real life, i. E a guy telling me once he was a pilot when he was the local farmer etc😂😂

my friend and i were talking about it last night actually, although some of these stories are entertaining theres something really ‘not right’ with alot of men on tinder. My friend and i agreed that if you have a good man you would have to him surgically removed from your clutches to let him go free 😂 resulting in the majority of men on these apps being the dregs of society particularly in their 40s and 50s

i used to use the apps in my early 30s - the majority of them were married, perverts, forensic or a combination of all three. I seen the same guys from 2018-2022 on them

with that being said a really really nice guy i worked with met his equally lovely wife on bumble - he was not on the apps for long mind you maybe thats the issue - the ones looking for something will meet someone and make things work

notatinydancer · 22/03/2025 14:29

fourelementary · 03/02/2025 18:13

Interested use of Vulva. Normally people use vagina where they really should have used vulva- but here I feel vagina would have been more appropriate.

Married for too long to have ever done any online stuff, sorry!

Should be vagina in this context 🙄

WanderingDreamingSpires · 22/03/2025 14:12

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 19:39

I apologise to those who are rattled by my comments. It just seems that we have little positive to say about men here. Most of it doesn't come over as funny either, but I suppose it depends on one's sense of humour. It often seems more like spite.

My life has been full of decent, if all too fallible, men, and I have appreciated all of them, warts and all. Of course we all come across the odd prat, but in my life they have been few and far between. Perhaps I have just been lucky. Perhaps it is the way I treat them, accepting and understanding their faults, whilst realising that I have my own.

As women we have life on easy mode really. How many of us have been cleaning the sanitary items off screens at sewerage plants, digging holes in the road, taking on the dirty and dangerous jobs? Most of us have been lucky enough to be sitting in warm offices when we have gone out to work. There will always be exceptions of course. We all know a female firefighter or paramedic, but on the whole we shy away from jobs like that.

When we are in trouble next time, a breakdown at the side of the road for instance, I for one will be glad when a man stops and offers me help, especially when I can't move the car off the road on my own. I can understand my male former colleagues who say that they now don't stop to help a woman out because it's not worth the risk. We need to remember that we are on the same team. Divide and rule is spoiling it for everyone.

Martha, is that you beaming in from 1800?

ElectricLegs · 22/03/2025 10:55

Norah Vincent may disagree

Brodiegottheastoblowyouaway · 22/03/2025 09:59

Not an online date but one set up by a friend. I had a bit of a yen for Jarvis Cocker at the time and she set me up with this .....erm ....man. He rocked up dressed like Russell Brand (aside from the rather unattractive sexual predator vibe) I did not like the cut of his jib. He slowly sleazed his way around the round table until he was sat on the same side of it as me. My chair was wedged around the leg so I couldn't move. How weird it would have looked to onlookers. I managed to move the other side and told him I needed space to eat. He then started stealing food of my plate and making orgasmic noises about how delicious it was. I did enjoy the food but stood up half way through the meal and shouted in the middle of the restaurant asking him what he fuck he was doing got up and left.
I managed to get to the bus stop in a very uneventful way and he caught me up saying something about how I owe him a shag for my embarrassing behaviour in the restaurant. I went to get on the bus and he tried following me so just as he was about to get on I held the pole by the door and swung my leg to quite literally kick him to he kerb. Nasty sleazy little fucker. I've seen him since he is married to a lovely man. Poor bloke having him in his life.

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 09:34

ElizaDolittle4321 · 22/03/2025 05:19

Yeah we have it soooo easy. Rape. Domestic Violence. Patriarchy making the rules. Periods. Endometriosis. Pregnancy. Childbirth.

All men have to do is empty garbage bins, dig a few holes on the road or change a tyre.

Men have it harder? GIVE ME FUCKING BREAK!!! Only a deluded narcissistic male with Male Privilege and NO IDEA what women go through would say that.

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Jennifer Lopez Applause GIF by NBC World Of Dance

TwistedWonder · 22/03/2025 08:17

I apologise to those who are rattled by my comments

No ones ‘rattled’ - strange way of looking at people who don’t agree with you.

Ax said this is a lighthearted thread about crap dates - why not start your own thread if you want to discuss something else rather than derail this one?

MidwichCuckoo · 22/03/2025 08:15

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 19:39

I apologise to those who are rattled by my comments. It just seems that we have little positive to say about men here. Most of it doesn't come over as funny either, but I suppose it depends on one's sense of humour. It often seems more like spite.

My life has been full of decent, if all too fallible, men, and I have appreciated all of them, warts and all. Of course we all come across the odd prat, but in my life they have been few and far between. Perhaps I have just been lucky. Perhaps it is the way I treat them, accepting and understanding their faults, whilst realising that I have my own.

As women we have life on easy mode really. How many of us have been cleaning the sanitary items off screens at sewerage plants, digging holes in the road, taking on the dirty and dangerous jobs? Most of us have been lucky enough to be sitting in warm offices when we have gone out to work. There will always be exceptions of course. We all know a female firefighter or paramedic, but on the whole we shy away from jobs like that.

When we are in trouble next time, a breakdown at the side of the road for instance, I for one will be glad when a man stops and offers me help, especially when I can't move the car off the road on my own. I can understand my male former colleagues who say that they now don't stop to help a woman out because it's not worth the risk. We need to remember that we are on the same team. Divide and rule is spoiling it for everyone.

This seems like it's written by a man.

MidwichCuckoo · 22/03/2025 08:10

Women work as cleaners, care workers wiping bums, nurses, wiping kids bums and clearing up sick as daycare workers, teach rebellious teenagers, on their feet all day as hairdressers. Not sure why that poster is pretending women all have cushy jobs.

ElizaDolittle4321 · 22/03/2025 05:19

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 19:39

I apologise to those who are rattled by my comments. It just seems that we have little positive to say about men here. Most of it doesn't come over as funny either, but I suppose it depends on one's sense of humour. It often seems more like spite.

My life has been full of decent, if all too fallible, men, and I have appreciated all of them, warts and all. Of course we all come across the odd prat, but in my life they have been few and far between. Perhaps I have just been lucky. Perhaps it is the way I treat them, accepting and understanding their faults, whilst realising that I have my own.

As women we have life on easy mode really. How many of us have been cleaning the sanitary items off screens at sewerage plants, digging holes in the road, taking on the dirty and dangerous jobs? Most of us have been lucky enough to be sitting in warm offices when we have gone out to work. There will always be exceptions of course. We all know a female firefighter or paramedic, but on the whole we shy away from jobs like that.

When we are in trouble next time, a breakdown at the side of the road for instance, I for one will be glad when a man stops and offers me help, especially when I can't move the car off the road on my own. I can understand my male former colleagues who say that they now don't stop to help a woman out because it's not worth the risk. We need to remember that we are on the same team. Divide and rule is spoiling it for everyone.

Yeah we have it soooo easy. Rape. Domestic Violence. Patriarchy making the rules. Periods. Endometriosis. Pregnancy. Childbirth.

All men have to do is empty garbage bins, dig a few holes on the road or change a tyre.

Men have it harder? GIVE ME FUCKING BREAK!!! Only a deluded narcissistic male with Male Privilege and NO IDEA what women go through would say that.

Faz469 · 21/03/2025 19:49

ElectricLegs · 20/03/2025 19:56

Has anyone here met a lovely man and got married to them through some form of online dating?

I met mine through an advert in a newspaper's (long before dating apps) "lonely hearts" column and we spent many happy years together.

Me! Couldn't imagine my life without him.

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 19:39

I apologise to those who are rattled by my comments. It just seems that we have little positive to say about men here. Most of it doesn't come over as funny either, but I suppose it depends on one's sense of humour. It often seems more like spite.

My life has been full of decent, if all too fallible, men, and I have appreciated all of them, warts and all. Of course we all come across the odd prat, but in my life they have been few and far between. Perhaps I have just been lucky. Perhaps it is the way I treat them, accepting and understanding their faults, whilst realising that I have my own.

As women we have life on easy mode really. How many of us have been cleaning the sanitary items off screens at sewerage plants, digging holes in the road, taking on the dirty and dangerous jobs? Most of us have been lucky enough to be sitting in warm offices when we have gone out to work. There will always be exceptions of course. We all know a female firefighter or paramedic, but on the whole we shy away from jobs like that.

When we are in trouble next time, a breakdown at the side of the road for instance, I for one will be glad when a man stops and offers me help, especially when I can't move the car off the road on my own. I can understand my male former colleagues who say that they now don't stop to help a woman out because it's not worth the risk. We need to remember that we are on the same team. Divide and rule is spoiling it for everyone.

Saggyknickers · 21/03/2025 16:09

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 13:03

I am so pleased. There seems to be a lot of misery on MumsNet (a forum for parents by parents - according to the top line of every page).

I spotted a quote from Martha Washington earlier that I thought was apposite:

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition".

Show quote history

How weird - I was under the impression this thread was supposed to be funny and a chance to laugh at some awful men. No one seems miserable here from what I can see?

And that quote - what a pile of bollocks. You do know MW's heyday was the 1700's - not really a good time for women.

Oh, and she also said: "I think I am more like a state prisoner than anything else, there is certain bounds set for me which I must not depart from…” about her marriage - doesn't sound like she was very cheerful to me!

Sideorderofchips · 21/03/2025 15:48

I am happy

Single and celibate

Disintegration1985 · 21/03/2025 15:22

Ah, let's see...

There's the guy who turned up to our first date with his mate.

Then there's the guy I'd been talking to for a couple of months - agreed to meet him for coffee, when it became apparent that the picture he was using was years out of date and he was older than my dad.

I can't remember any more off the top of my head, but my mate once went on a date with a guy, agreed to go back to his place and was introduced to his vast collection of dolls.

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 21/03/2025 15:11

With online dating I have had (in brief, there's more!);

A woman who'd stayed over leave me in bed and go to sleep in the spare room, when I woke in the morning and went to see where she'd gone, I realised I was sodden. She'd weed the bed and left me in her pee. She seemed to think that this was absolutely fine!

A woman turn up with her dog despite me saying this couldn't happen under any circumstances. She was due to stay over and said she had a sitter. I adore dogs, but I had a dog at the time who didn't get on with other dogs mostly and if we were to see one another and have a relationship that continued, I'd said we needed a proper, safe, gradual introduction.

Anyway she turned up having driven for two or more hours, with her dog and when I protested said she'd arrived early(before I finished work) so she'd already gone and had a couple of drinks at the pub, so couldn't drive home. I began working out at what time she'd be safe to drive but she laughed this suggestion off, guilt tripped me and said it'd be fine.

It wasn't. While we slept, my dog (who I'd shut in a downstairs room but who was a large, strong breed and had got out) went for her dog. We separated them quickly (well, I did!) despite being half asleep. I slept downstairs with my dog for the rest of the night.

The next morning my date, in a (in my opinion far too dramatic a) panic, bundled her dog into the car and drove straight off. She rang me, slurring and panicking and asked me to book her dog into her vet which she gave me the name of.

She turned out to be an alcoholic. I hadn't known as our dates up until then had involved drinks, but I didn't realise she was continuing once I was asleep. She'd been drunk that morning when she drove home!

Dog was fine, thankfully as I felt very guilty about that!

I had a compulsive liar too, you name it she'd done it-some things were totally implausible and so far-fetched and it was quite sad, she was a nice person and I didn't need a high-achieving hero, I just wanted someone nice who would share life with me, but I couldn't trust anything she said!

An over-stayer. Due to spend the night together, asked nicely if she could stay for the weekend. I was actually okay with that. I wasn't okay with the next day and the next and the next... That was awkward and difficult.

Anyway. That'll do for now!

I dated someone for a long time who, things were great in the beginning. Then she began to blow hot and cold and treat me very badly-that did a lot of damage and I have firmed up my boundaries and am now very cynical and very 'no nonsense'.

Being single isn't that bad, so I've discovered. Well at least when compared to the alternative!

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2025 15:00

ElectricLegs · 21/03/2025 13:03

I am so pleased. There seems to be a lot of misery on MumsNet (a forum for parents by parents - according to the top line of every page).

I spotted a quote from Martha Washington earlier that I thought was apposite:

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition".

Show quote history

Can’t we be happy in ourselves and still share our experiences of crappy dates then?

I actually think most people on this thread having a good laugh about bad dates rather than wallowing in misery