How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps
you are so funny and your OP creased me up 🤣

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. TMI! 😖

😂

Don’t worry, he’s toddled off to bed (hopefully with a glass of water and a chapstick for his medically dry stringy mouth).

He’s had a hell of an evening at the derailing/mansplaining coalface, but he’s given it a good crack, god bless him, still managing to tell off all the women whilst bent double under the weight of his own sanctimony.

Sleep tight, sweet prince.

I had loads of chemo last year. Spent ages in the chemo reception and on the wards etc etc

Nobody sat around with their mouth looking like that even if chemo did cause it.

lewky_ Luke Holloway on Instagram. Very funny 😄

I was chatting to a guy online when he rang me out of the blue. Despite being taken aback and borderline horrified I answered. We had the dullest little chat and it transpired that he was off to Torture Garden later and would I like to come. He kindly offered to send me a picture of him in his outfit, complete with fake tattoo sleeve. I came off the apps for several years then met my husband first time when I went back on them... I took it an a sign that the universe thought I'd kissed enough frogs!

I met a guy on tinder. Had a few dates, things seemed to be going well but then he randomly texted saying he was no longer interested. No worries, wished him well and deleted his number. Then about 8 weeks later, he text me saying he had been dating another man and had a fantasy of me joining them and was I interested in his boyfriend fucking me whilst he watched. Urm, that would be a hard pass. I blocked him. About a year later my friend matched with him and he had a newborn at that point.

We need a sub Topic where the mods can divert some of these posts, maybe call RowInAnEmptyRoom, and leave the rest to enjoy some of the gruesome stories!

Met with a guy for a casual beer. His entire conversation piece was how his dad used to be in a fairly famous band. I tried to extricate myself graciously. He said: "Well. I would take you back to mine and f**k your brains out. But your lack of appreciation for my dad's music makes me limp." I left quickly and he followed me down the road. I went to a nearby pub, met a really nice bloke and spent four years with him happily. Now married to an absolute joy of a human. Met on Tinder. Together 8yrs. Married for 5. Plenty more disaster stories. You have to match with a lot of frogs in OLD. But you don't have to kiss them!

First date told me he had chlamydia but it’s fine he’s sorted it out now. When he asked to go out again I said sorry, the chlamydia thing was inappropriate and I’m not interested. Of course got the ‘it was just a joke, you obviously can’t take a joke’ spiel. It definitely was not a joke!

Hello. Sorry to be a bother but this comment is very upsetting to read.

They are a man. As some posters have said, they're a man coming onto a thread on a woman's message forum, telling them all how 'wrong' they are, and chastising them for it. Some men do love to do that.

Was heading to a club with a chap who I’d been flirting with. As we were going down some steps, he informed me that he’d once had a pissing competition on them with our mutual friend (furthest distance won).

What the fuck is wrong with “Shuggles”? Well weird responses & probably on the wrong thread?

Reading these, not only has my vulva clamped shut like a Venus flytrap, my pubic hair has sewn itself togaether and fashioned itself into a wee padlock never to be undone.

Christ, men are awful. NAMALT and NotMyNigel etc etc, but so, so many men.

If anything happened to DP, I'm getting rechargeable batteries for a vibrator, an Uber account for lifts, a robot lawnmower for the garden, and hoping for the best without the males of the species.

These are all brilliant

Oh I have a few horror stories!

1. Guy who took me to a coffee shop and kept picking his spots.

2. I'm from a family of dentists and people who work in that area (if they're not dentists/hygienists then they're dental librarians etc) anyway I told this to my date and he took out his false teeth and asked me how best to care for them. Yeah, I'm the outcast in my family, my degree is in English and even so ewww.

3. Guy who thought he was going to be the next Ricky Gervais and kept doing bad skits. I don't even like the real Ricky Gervais!

4. Guy who told me he'd planned the best day ever. I was a bit sceptical but he said he was going to wine and dine me, take me out and treat me. Where did we end up? He took me swimming. To be fair he did buy me a nice non-showy swimming costume in the right size. I politely declined and we had an awkward drink in the little leisure centre café. There was no second date.

5. Cop who I'd known for a while and who'd spent ages chasing after me. I finally relented and he spent the evening treating me like shit, ignoring me and chatting up the waitress.

That said though I did meet my DH online and we've been together for 15 years now so it can work out!

Many years ago I had a first date with a guy who brought with him about 5 of his paintings, which I realised he was trying to sell me. Every 10 mins he'd interrupt the conversation to take one out and ask me what I thought of it.

At the end of the date he asked me if I had a car, I didn't have one at the time. But I told him when I was younger I did drive for a while. He asked me what make of car did I drive, when I told him it was a Fiat he burst out laughing and I never heard from him again. 🤣.

I remember being so shaken that night, I couldn't sleep.

When I was about 17 I went on a date with someone I met at a youth group. We arranged to go to the cinema on the Saturday evening to see a film which was coming out a couple of days before - fixed this up about a week in advance. On the day we met it transpired that he had seen the film the day before as he had nothing to do, but was happy to see it again - I was really taken aback. He then proceeded to quote along with every single advert and trailer. In the end I said that I hoped he wasn't going to do that for the film and he agreed not to but looked surprised I wasn't impressed.

I saw him on a bus last year - recognised him after 25+ years! He was watching a video on his phone with the sound on full blast, which figures.

I have never been sure if Liar Liar is an awful film, or I saw it in such uncomfortable circumstances that it put me off.

Remembered another one, he's very English but turned up wearing cowboy boots, denim jeans, denim jacket and a really big Texan cowboy hat.
Unfortunately was not taken line dancing like I expected

I was set up on a date.

When I arrived at the restaurant I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Tall, handsome, fascinating conversation. A complete gentleman that I was already partially imagining my future children with.

While we were waiting outside for a taxi I dropped my bag and he bent to pick it up for me... and let out a little fart.

I wouldn't have cared that much, bit embarrassing but we all do it. Could have easily laughed it off.

But his final words to me still make me shudder to this very day.

'Ooops, I did a pumpies' complete with a 'cute' head tilt.

Bleugh.