Page 16 | How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

knittedsloth · 03/02/2025 23:42

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps totally appreciate your point of view now 🤣🤣 - so many gruesome stories!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/02/2025 23:42

Pinkywoo · 03/02/2025 18:27

"Yes I think you’re right. How would your vulva clamp shut?"

Like a clam, protecting the inner contents (including the vagina).

Yes that's what I pictured too

knittedsloth · 03/02/2025 23:39

ChessorBuckaroo · 03/02/2025 23:16

Sweet Jesus 😂

I've also seen the sequel, maybe that would have done the trick?

For anyone who hasn't seen it read the synopsis

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_2_(Full_Sequence)

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Horrible. The stuff of nightmares

Eldermillenialyogi · 03/02/2025 23:38

I'm here for the stories 🍿

peachystormy · 03/02/2025 23:34

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:50

@Haffiana Having a performative virtue signal wank on an online forum. Lovely.

I'm not a virtue signaller. Just someone with a strong dislike for those who are ignorant of other people's medical problems.

And to prove I'm not a virtue signaller, I will freely admit that my wish is that when people mock medical problems, those same problems will be inflicted upon them later in life.

Oh bore off

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/02/2025 23:25

I remember back in my dating days, when you just met people and agreed to meet them again, the number of men who offered to pay me for sex was extraordinary. I have to assume they were absolutely desperate, because I was a very plain and shy girl.

Popettypop · 03/02/2025 23:23

Yogre · 03/02/2025 22:23

I was set up on a date.

When I arrived at the restaurant I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Tall, handsome, fascinating conversation. A complete gentleman that I was already partially imagining my future children with.

While we were waiting outside for a taxi I dropped my bag and he bent to pick it up for me... and let out a little fart.

I wouldn't have cared that much, bit embarrassing but we all do it. Could have easily laughed it off.

But his final words to me still make me shudder to this very day.

'Ooops, I did a pumpies' complete with a 'cute' head tilt.

Bleugh.

I'm actually dying at this! 😂😂

knittedsloth · 03/02/2025 23:22

Wendolino · 03/02/2025 23:20

And he only types with one hand. The other's otherwise occupied

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🤢

Alltheyearround · 03/02/2025 23:22

Pthagonal · 03/02/2025 22:10

You are encouraged to drink loads when undergoing chemo, it makes finding veins easier. I never noticed anyone else with white stringy things on their lips on the chemo wards whilst I was having mine.

A friend of mine tells a tale of having a few dates with a guy. They were getting on really, really well - until the one night when he asked her if she fancied going back to his for a bit of jiggy-jiggy. Unsurprisingly, she made her excuses, left and never saw him again.

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jiggy-jiggy - followed by the sound of a thousand vulvas clamping shut.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 03/02/2025 23:21

@fourelementary that is some wild pedantry.

Wendolino · 03/02/2025 23:20

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 21:23

Shuggles is a man and he loves derailing threads telling women how having standards is wrong

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And he only types with one hand. The other's otherwise occupied

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 23:20

Faz469 · 03/02/2025 23:07

I once met a guy online. Few days later met up for a brew and a stroll around a local park. He asked if he could come back to mine. When I said no he told me he needed the company because his wife was in hospital having a brain tumor removed. He needed sex to "take his mind off it." Full on run for the hills with that one.

That’s reminded me. I went on a date with a man who seemed really nice. Then we talked about relationships and he told me he’s married but his wife has early onset dementia and lives in residential care but she’s given him permission to move on and that he can’t meet on Sundays because that’s the day he visits her.

Er moving on as a widower is one thing but when she’s still alive - big no for me

ChessorBuckaroo · 03/02/2025 23:16

DurinsBane · 03/02/2025 23:03

What a great starter movie 🤣

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Sweet Jesus 😂

I've also seen the sequel, maybe that would have done the trick?

For anyone who hasn't seen it read the synopsis

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_2_(Full_Sequence)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_2_(Full_Sequence)

Ohnobackagain · 03/02/2025 23:14

@JudgeJ I know who Basil Brush is 😬

Alltheyearround · 03/02/2025 23:12

ServantsGonnaServe · 03/02/2025 19:38

Special OPs os the scammers playback. Thank goodness its such an obvious red flag!

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Not a date as such, more like being hemmed in by a garrulous, beer swilling horrible smelly older man on a National Express to London when I was 20. He did the whole spiel about special ops and I know 20 ways I could kill you if I wanted to. Luckily he was overcome by his own special brew and passed out snoring for the remainder of the journey.

Such charmers, I mean where do they learn these things and why do they think that such tactics could possibly work?

Also recall snide comments by local roofer and his mate (not attractive, 50s and balding) about me and my mate in swimming pool. Regaling this to another friend she said 'Well, he's not the answer to any maiden's prayer is he?'

I have always remembered that line, for exactly these kinds of encounters.

LillyPJ · 03/02/2025 23:09

I met a man via OLD and the first couple of dates went well. Then he asked me out to a concert and to go to dinner at his place first. It turned out that his ex was still living there - she lived upstairs and he lived downstairs. They had a row in front of me because I'd apparently parked In her space. And when we got to the concert, we bumped into his WIFE. They'd been married and split up before he met the ex he still lived with, but they were still friends and hadn't bothered to get divorced.

Imbusytodaysorry · 03/02/2025 23:09

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

First one made me laugh so much .
second one made me feel sick
Third jeeze he is psycotic

Faz469 · 03/02/2025 23:07

I once met a guy online. Few days later met up for a brew and a stroll around a local park. He asked if he could come back to mine. When I said no he told me he needed the company because his wife was in hospital having a brain tumor removed. He needed sex to "take his mind off it." Full on run for the hills with that one.

Frannyhy · 03/02/2025 23:05

I met a time waster online. When we met in person he told me that he already had a girlfriend, and that they liked to have fun with her (female) friend. He went on to say that she had booked and paid for a holiday for the two of them, plus her friend.

He then said he was really keen to get to know me, but didn’t think it was fair to dump his “bitches” before they’d had the holiday!!!

knittedsloth · 03/02/2025 23:03

JustFeedMeCake · 03/02/2025 22:42

Hello. Sorry to be a bother but this comment is very upsetting to read.

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All comments by shuggles are designed to upset the reader. The worst one is

Shuggles · Today 20:50

^ Having a performative virtue signal wank on an online forum. Lovely.^
I'm not a virtue signaller. Just someone with a strong dislike for those who are ignorant of other people's medical problems.
And to prove I'm not a virtue signaller, I will freely admit that my wish is that when people mock medical problems, those same problems will be inflicted upon them later in life.

I wish those same problems will be inflicted upon them - a nasty, vindictive sentiment based upon absolutely nothing. Nobody has been mocking medical problems here.

The situation is catch 22 though because anybody that responds to this poster just feeds their trollism.

DurinsBane · 03/02/2025 23:03

maxplanck · 03/02/2025 18:20

My friend had a date with a seemingly nice European guy, met for drinks a few times then was invited to his home for a meal and film. Sadly the guy put ‘centipede’ on as a starter movie and then moved onto some kind of snuff porn thing. Let’s say my mate managed to leave pretty quickly whilst the guy was in the loo.

What a great starter movie 🤣

ThorsMistress · 03/02/2025 23:02

Mortgage, DS, engaged and together 10 years to my Tinder date!

He's a rarity judging by this thread!

Original poster

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 23:02

RaveToTheGrave1 · 03/02/2025 21:41

This is how we go down tonight hens, dry lips and dry mouths

😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:

Original poster

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 23:01

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:38

@JHound Where did you read that dry lips are usually indicative of a medical problem?

It isn't something I read from a random website. I have knowledge in this regard. I already listed a small number of medical conditions linked to dry lips and dry mouth.

Source: trust me bro

OP posts:

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 23:00

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 22:58

Ah, I knew that was coming.

Who are you to say that? Are you alright?

(Coming from someone who has several rounds of chemotherapy. Top tip: good oral hygiene, Vaseline and fluids help.)

Gooooopy gooooop

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STOP THE GOOPY!!!!!!! 😱