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Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
MillieMinx · 04/02/2025 21:32

witwatwoo · 03/02/2025 18:13

He said 'boom' at the end of sentences - 'I'm going into town - boom !'
Also used 'I'm on fire' a lot. Pity he wasn't

Omg I had one that said “woof” at the end of most sentences! So bizarre

restingbitchface30 · 04/02/2025 21:30

I have a lot but one came to mind first. I was once with a guy who, every time he went to kiss me, he stuck his tongue out first. He came at me like he was gonna lick me. It was revolting.

Pudmyboy · 04/02/2025 21:25

maxplanck · 03/02/2025 18:20

My friend had a date with a seemingly nice European guy, met for drinks a few times then was invited to his home for a meal and film. Sadly the guy put ‘centipede’ on as a starter movie and then moved onto some kind of snuff porn thing. Let’s say my mate managed to leave pretty quickly whilst the guy was in the loo.

Crikey this reminded me of the episode of the IT crowd: Moss and the German..... hilarious on the telly but well weird in real life!

Gandalfsthong · 04/02/2025 21:24

MrsWinkly · 03/02/2025 18:51

😂
When I was a teenager (early 90's) I met up with a guy who'd looked normal in daytime, but he turned up to the pub (average jeans & t-shirt type of village pub) wearing a velvet fitted single button jacket with nothing underneath. He'd floofed his hair up so it was really bouffant on top.
Think he was after a David Hasselhoff look, but his skin was the colour of mushroom soup and he looked like he was making a slow recovery from consumption.
Such a whiny attention-seeking idiot too.
Twas a long evening.

Show quote history

Skin the colour of mushroom soup is going to stay with me 🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Screamingabdabz · 04/02/2025 21:17

Waterweight · 04/02/2025 16:32

Vulva ?

Surely your vagina would still work ?

Yeah the one time someone uses the word vulva and actually the word vagina makes more sense.
😂

dhfoody47 · 04/02/2025 21:17

Can I cum on your glasses?!
When we have sex will you wear your glasses?!
Will you look at me over your glasses?!

Didn't meet up, I wonder why 🤦‍♀️

I'm back single again & the thought of DS's make me want to set fire to my face & put it out with a fork 😂

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pudmyboy · 04/02/2025 21:15

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:22

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Ridiculing medical issues on an online forum. Lovely.

How do you know it's a medical issue? Maybe it's poor hygiene!

Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 21:14

Tonkie18 · 04/02/2025 20:55

Not been on the dating scene for years..

but some young fellow accosted me outside B&M recently. Dead panned me and asked ‘have you ever cum so hard you’ve shit yourself?’

Me ‘Ummmmmmm NO?!

Him ‘would you like to?’

If it’s been a while for anybody, I highly suggest hanging about B&M. Sounds like a proper seeing to.

Perfect. I'll bring the sharpie so we can number ourselves in the queue as I think there will be a lot of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 21:10

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/02/2025 20:26

OMG this is the thread that keeps on giving - @NakedCivilServant & @Cyclebabble, those stories are brilliant 😂

Your username is hilarious 😂😂

What a sad little life Jane!

OP posts:
truthtimee · 04/02/2025 21:02

I met my partner on tinder but before I met him I went on a picnic in the woods date with another guy from tinder and it was so strange 🙈 I can’t remember it fully but I imagine we went on a walk through the woods (a part of a park not some creepy dark woods 🙈😂) and when we found a suitable place for our picnic we sat down on our blankets. He wanted to cuddle at some point so we laid down and we were cuddling (we possibly kissed, I can’t actually remember) but as our bodies were close I felt a wetness… I asked him about it and he said he came in his pants… from cuddling. He then walked me home and said that he needed a wee but I lived with my parents at the time and he refused to go in our house to go to the toilet and he sent me a message not long after saying he really needed a wee and should have come in. The wetness was wee wasn’t it? It had to have been right? I mean, I actually don’t know if it would be worse to cum in your pants from cuddling or partially wet yourself on a first date… 🙈🤷‍♀️ We didn’t see each other again so I will never know but I assume he was embarrassed by whatever liquid came out of him 🤷‍♀️🙈

Tonkie18 · 04/02/2025 20:55

Not been on the dating scene for years..

but some young fellow accosted me outside B&M recently. Dead panned me and asked ‘have you ever cum so hard you’ve shit yourself?’

Me ‘Ummmmmmm NO?!

Him ‘would you like to?’

If it’s been a while for anybody, I highly suggest hanging about B&M. Sounds like a proper seeing to.

UtterJoke · 04/02/2025 20:52

Packingcube · 03/02/2025 18:26

He used his son's photo who was about 27 ... Turns out he was about 47 and he couldnt figure out why I wasn't interested. Hm I'm 23 pal.

Wtf !!! Horrific disgusting old man 🤮

LalaPaloosa2024 · 04/02/2025 20:51

Moier · 03/02/2025 18:45

Took a train to meet a guy ( he asked me out for lunch). We went to a cafe ( just your average cafe) and sat down to look at the menu.. l said oh I will have the jacket potato with tuna mayo. £ 5.50. A fanta orange £1.60.
He took ages looking at the menu .. then stood up and said " come on we are going I'm not paying these prices".
I was so hungry having had no breakfast and was an hour train ( cost me £12 )..
We ended up walking round town.. l thought we were looking for another cafe.. just as we were passing a Greg's he gave me a pound coin and said " here get in the queue and buy yourself a sausage roll on me"
I threw the pound back at him and walked off in the direction of the train station.

I don’t even know what to say about this one…

BountifulPantry · 04/02/2025 20:51

On a first date a man spoke to me extensively about a family friend who had very recently been recently convicted of possession of child sexual abuse images….

A fun, lighthearted convo for a first date?!?!

Minkytink · 04/02/2025 20:45

Once met a guy after chatting on phone for a week … his opening bandit was “so … how am I going to get you to move to ??? “(His home town 50 miles away)

I replied “your not in this life time”

Necked my drink quickly, and pretended I’d got a message about my poorly aunt..

Doodleflips · 04/02/2025 20:42

DeadSpace3 · 04/02/2025 20:28

That sounds like 4 men were lucky enough to dodge a bullet 😁

Show quote history

Has another man arrived…..

Scirocco · 04/02/2025 20:30

heartfluttters · 04/02/2025 15:40

Went on a first date with a man that asked how often i showered i said every day why?
He replied with oh even your teeth i said yes twice a day why?

He replied with i do everything twice a week shower shave teeth clean clothes it saves more time that way i can game longer.
His nails was filled with dirt he smelled musky i made an excuse and left and blocked him.

And this is why we need a vomit reaction option.

DeadSpace3 · 04/02/2025 20:28

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

That sounds like 4 men were lucky enough to dodge a bullet 😁

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/02/2025 20:26

OMG this is the thread that keeps on giving - @NakedCivilServant & @Cyclebabble, those stories are brilliant 😂

Gonewiththeleaves · 04/02/2025 19:24

I recently dipped my toe into online dating after splitting with my stbxh during pregnancy. After being honest about having a 4 month old baby the guy said it was actually a turn on and didn't put him off. When I asked wtf he meant his assumption that I hadn't had sex since giving birth was some kind of ultra turn on 🤮 safe to say he was blocked and I have given up (wasn't super interested anyway and that's the worst of a long list after only a few weeks dipping in)

DoYouReally · 04/02/2025 19:13

I think I've been on a date with shuggles in the past! Same type of responses & needlessly antagonistoc. Only waited for two drinks. He bought the first so I bought the second before leaving. Got a text later looking for the €2 difference because my drink way more expensive than his!

Second one, dated this seemingly normal guy for a few weeks. He had just bought a new house which was being renovated so it was a while before I stated over. Gorgeous house - clearly had an interior designer & really classy until when he got to the bedroom, I can only describe it as a Liverpool FC shrine. Completely with red carpet, red walls, club curtains and bedspread. Framed jerseys on the walls l etc. He was so excited for me to see it and so very proud of it. Fantastic for a 10 year child but for a 46 year old man, I thought WTF? Never could take him seriously after that.

Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 19:08

Doodleflips · 04/02/2025 17:40

I saw the mansplaining called correctile dysfunction today, and felt it would be very appropriate for this thread :D

Hahahahaha yes. It certainly belongs on this thread!

I have a couple more dating abominations I'll post after I've had my tea.

OP posts:
SeaUrchinHat · 04/02/2025 18:16

It isn't something I read from a random website. I have knowledge in this regard. I already listed a small number of medical conditions linked to dry lips and dry mouth.

Yes, yes you did @Shuggles. The thing is, while this is something probably most of us are aware of, it isn’t what the thread is about. It’s irrelevant to the context of this thread. This is about men and their clueless and slow-witted behaviour when it comes to how they choose to communicate with women, which is rather ironic don’t you think?

Crikeyalmighty · 04/02/2025 18:12

@SpringleDingle ah that's lovely!!