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Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
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6
CherryRipe1 · 05/02/2025 03:16

This thread is bloody hilarious. Pre internet I had my share of encounters with absolute horrors- perverts, weirdos, liars and tightwads. My daughter's very first & only foray into old, who should her first ever match be but her step brother which freaked her out. What are the odds of that happening? Awks. He was at a wedding anniversary party that evening with his girlfriend of a few months & us. His g/f took my daughter into her confidence and started crying because she suspected he was a player & secretly using OLD apps. The little shit then accused DD of stirring up his g/f & playing to her insecurities when all she'd tried to do was placate the poor girl & absolutely no mention of the bumble match was made.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2025 03:02

A friend had a few tales to tell. One in particular -
First date (dinner) with a man about her age, articulate, well dressed, nothing seemed amiss. She was congratulating herself on being a good picker of men, and they ordered a dinner and a bottle of wine. One glass in, he started telling knock knock jokes.

coxesorangepippin · 05/02/2025 02:12

He arrived at the pub and there was no sign of her so he bought a drink and sat down. Then an old lady with a walking stick approached his table and said ‘hi, I’m Sue’ - turns out she’d been using her daughters photos!

^

😂 Some of there are unforgivable

ChangeyerNameyer · 05/02/2025 02:06

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 18:16

I bet that was lovely for you. Boom!

I had similar but a guy would call himself by his initials.. his initials were TSG and he would say 'TSG has done it again!'

'Good work by the TSG.'

Boak.

Show quote history

I just misread that as the BFG, and honestly, if I heard someone talking like that, I’d probably make BFG jokes.

crosstrainerornament · 05/02/2025 01:39

Mushroom penis was a low point.
Man who spent the whole date telling me about his ex. I tried to change the subject so many time but in the end gave up

Both of whom messaged me when I rejoined that site 4 years later 🤦‍♀️

Buttheads · 05/02/2025 01:04

billybear · 03/02/2025 20:28

years ago went on a blind date, he turned up in a hearse in black undertaker suit just finished work there was no number 2 date

His name wasn’t Harold was it 🤣

JohnTheRevelator · 05/02/2025 00:53

Happyher · 03/02/2025 20:22

My list

  1. From a site where you couldn’t swap photos. Told me that people said he had a look of Jack Sugden from Emmerdale. Nice guy but he looked more like Percy Sugden
  2. Nice looking guy on screen. Told me was 5’8”. I’m 5’4”. He turned up- smaller than me and wearing a hearing aid. Had to swap places so he could hear me
  3. Nice pic, nice in real life until he opened his mouth with the biggest set of crooked yellow teeth 🤮
  4. Looked nice, professional bloke. 5’8” again. Told me jokingly he wouldn’t expect sex on a first date (he wasn’t getting it anyway!) Like women to wear skirts/dresses. Turned up, same height as me again. We sat down in the pub, the he asked if he could sit closer as he couldn’t see me properly without his glasses!

Still happily single. I was in my late 40s/early 50s so they were all similar ages to me hence the disabilities!!

Why is it that 5 feet 8 inches ALWAYS seems to be the default height given by short men?! Years ago,I went on a date with a guy who swore he was 5 ft 8 in. When I met him,he was about an inch shorter than me. I'm 5 ft 5 in.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 05/02/2025 00:33

Chucklecheeks01 · 04/02/2025 11:27

This will out me but here goes..
Meeting female friend for coffee, half an hour in her brother arrives and sits down. No introductions, no apology for interrupting a conversation. Just sits down and stares at me. Friend then makes a ridiculous apology about having to be in work and just leaves. Her brother turns to me and says " do you do anal".

Those were the first and last words I ever heard him say.

Ex-friend, surely??

mathanxiety · 05/02/2025 00:27

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:50

@Haffiana Having a performative virtue signal wank on an online forum. Lovely.

I'm not a virtue signaller. Just someone with a strong dislike for those who are ignorant of other people's medical problems.

And to prove I'm not a virtue signaller, I will freely admit that my wish is that when people mock medical problems, those same problems will be inflicted upon them later in life.

So you're not denying you're a man with a vindictive streak, eh?

mathanxiety · 05/02/2025 00:23

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:41

@VodkaCola You are taking a post on a jokey thread way too seriously.

Not at all. If you had severe eczema on your face or psoriasis, and some man made a comment about it on an online forum, would you be comfortable with that?

And women are allowed to not date a man for any reason they choose.

Literally what I just said then?

This lip problem is a condition that can be caused by any number of medications or medical issues, according to you, so if no names are mentioned, it could literally be one of thousands of people - maybe even hundreds of thousands - with absolutely no way to identify him.

Scirocco · 05/02/2025 00:10

TaggieO · 04/02/2025 23:31

I told mine on another thread on here, and there was another MNer who had encountered the same guy. @scrambledeggsandtoast If I’ve remembered your username correctly, HI!

Pre-tinder, but on OLD - a guy decided to try and pick me up by sending me a lengthy essay detailing the engineering behind the construction of suspension bridges. We’re talking PAGES AND PAGES. I think there may even have been bibliography. There was nothing in my profile about architecture or anything. Just a cold open about suspension bridge construction. I didn’t reply. He sent me multiple messages, for MONTHS, full of facts and updates about bridges.

Edited

Any specific suspension bridges, or suspension bridges in general? While suspension bridges aren't a huge passion of mine, it sounds more interesting than the standard poorly composed and aesthetically unappealing unsolicited dick pic.

TaggieO · 04/02/2025 23:31

I told mine on another thread on here, and there was another MNer who had encountered the same guy. @scrambledeggsandtoast If I’ve remembered your username correctly, HI!

Pre-tinder, but on OLD - a guy decided to try and pick me up by sending me a lengthy essay detailing the engineering behind the construction of suspension bridges. We’re talking PAGES AND PAGES. I think there may even have been bibliography. There was nothing in my profile about architecture or anything. Just a cold open about suspension bridge construction. I didn’t reply. He sent me multiple messages, for MONTHS, full of facts and updates about bridges.

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 04/02/2025 23:29

It seems like others have had similar experiences, but when I was 18 I went in a date with a guy I was working with at the time (part time job while I was in college). Went back to his place (well, his parents house) to watch a movie, we chose Flatliners which I’d never seen and was really keen on. Settled in, started watching, after about half an hour I needed the loo so stepped out for five minutes tops - when I returned he was lounging naked on his sofa and stroking his cock while staring at me intently with what I can only imagine he thought to be a seductive expression but it looked like he was trying to shit out a melon.

Made my excuses and left, he then harassed me for ages afterwards. Also it took me nearly another decade to finally watch Flatliners all the way through, so annoying.

some years later me and my husband were moving out of a rented flat and hired a carpet cleaning company, I answered the intercom to see his face staring at me and shouted to my husband “oh no it’s Flatliners naked guy!” before hiding in the bathroom for the duration and leaving my husband to deal with him. Husband found it hilarious.

Dogsbreath7 · 04/02/2025 23:14

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:11

@Doodleflips Regardless, it is utterly vile to wish that on people. Awful.

Logically, anyone who thinks a medical condition is humorous shouldn't have any issue if they had that same condition.

You have posted so frequently and defensively are YOU the subject of the sorry tale?

no matter if something is medical we all have obligations to not be disgusting in public- simple wipe of the lips? Go to HP and get medication?

BO or bad breath are also medical conditions but they are also socially unpleasant if not unacceptable and most people would at least have some self awareness.

Mrswhirley · 04/02/2025 23:12

Tellmemore16 · 03/02/2025 19:10

I actually met my DP on tinder so not all bad but I did once get a message stating “ I would fuck you until the council came and complained about the smell” absolute boke

WTF!!!! Fucking horrendous!

Lolalady · 04/02/2025 23:09

My friend and I were in stitches over your post!! What is it with these men ?!!!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 23:00

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 04/02/2025 00:25

I have an excellent one. Not me, but my daughter’s friend. Been chatting to a guy for a while who said he was a chef and invited her round for dinner. She went, had a nice meal but then got stomach cramps and had to excuse herself to the loo where she had an upset tummy. She went to flush the loo and it wouldn’t flush. Very embarrassed she had to go and tell him and he reassured her it was a dodgy flush and not to worry he would sort it out. He left the room and was gone for some time, she went to check on him and HE WAS EATING HER POO!!!!! She screamed and ran out and was still shaking ages later. Friends encouraged her to call the police, she did and they basically said “oh yeah, Bert, he’s been doing it for years”. He put laxatives in the food and then knobbled the loo to not flush.

I would have assumed he could be done for assault by ‘spiking’ her food but police said he was otherwise harmless, just his fetish!

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

This is completely disgusting and not something I'd ever want to read. Some of us are eating while we read MN! Can you please put a trigger warning if you're going to write something so vile? Plus, I don't believe you. No way would police just let a guy keep spiking a woman's food like this, and as for your description of what he did, he'd end up really ill each time.

Edit: Argh, it posted the whole previous message! I can't do anything about that. Sorry, everyone!

TheWiresAreInTheAirNow · 04/02/2025 22:44

Very tame compared to these, but he took me to his parents house. I could just about get past him calling them mummy and daddy, but when his mum said “more tea father?” I went off him instantly. They really did call each other mother and father.

brunettemic · 04/02/2025 22:27

I met a guy via OLD…we’ve been married nearly 15 years now.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 22:19

TwistedWonder · 04/02/2025 13:30

Honestly does this approach even work? I don’t know a single female who thinks ‘ooh a man asking if I love anal, let’s get that date sorted’

And I can’t imagine many women send opening messages saying ‘I’ve got a massive vagina’ or ‘fancy a kneetrembler round the back of Asda’ etc etc

Though I’m sure the resident mansplainer will be along to tell us we’re wrong 🤣

Edited
Show quote history

But imagine if our clitorises were located inside our vaginas? If that was the case, we might well be offering a kneetrembler round the back of Asda, lol!

Why do men act as if PIV is as good for us as it is for them when our knobs are located miles away from the inside of our vaginas???

FarmGirl78 · 04/02/2025 22:15

There was the man who wiped his nose on the pub curtains.

mauvish · 04/02/2025 22:08

Then there was the night a friend asked me to go through (vet) her OLD matches with her.

Oh dear.

I had to say, yes, I know him (a platonic male friend of mine who had appeared on her list) -- I'm not sure he's your type - er, well, he's well into bondage. I don't think he's into sex, as far as I know he's just into writing about and performing intricate bondage.

Then another one in the list of 20 which made me yelp -"OH GOD! I know him too! Er -- his wife died last week!!"

mauvish · 04/02/2025 22:04

The more I read, the more things that have been buried for many years come back to mind --

I was a teenager. I'd had a steady bf, I'd had some pretty satisfactory sex. I also had the hots for this lad at school who had what I can only describe as a beautiful body. Cue some 18th b'day party and he made a play for me - I was well chuffed. The snogging was going well, then he suggested that we head out to his (borrowed) car where we could get some privacy, and he would "show me how to have an orgasm". And all I could think was, Too late, boy, too bloody late, I already know!

TwistedWonder · 04/02/2025 21:51

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 19:04

Not me but my friend went for a date with a bloke who paid for dinner with a 50% off voucher and told her it was his treat but she could only have a main course as that’s what the voucher covered.
When they walked to the car park, he asked is she wanted to get into the back seat of his car and unleash his beast - he was 56!!!

Just to add that when she refused to ‘unleash his beast’ he called her rude and nasty and that he wouldn’t have bought her dinner if he’d known she was frigid.

As she was driving home, he messaged her saying she owed him her share of the (50% 0ff) bill. She blocked him of course

Poppymeldrum · 04/02/2025 21:45

I've been on some corkers but bathroom fan fitter bloke was awful
We'd got on well over chat,but when we met,he looked like goofy,sounded like Donald duck and talked about fitting bathroom fans all bloody evening (I was too polite to just up and leave)
I was staving and said I'd stop of for some chips on the way home
He insisted on walking me to the chippy and paying for them
He then demanded sex,I refused and he stomped off
Got a message a few hours later demanding his £1.90 back as I'd refused his leg over so i owed him his money back

Another one,I walked to the pub to meet him with adult dd (she was going on to meet her boyfriend) and he threw a tantrum about how she was with me (we where about 5 yards from the door-we turned and walked away)

The one that was obsessed with his ex wife
Our coffee date was going into a phone shop,buying a car tracker for her car and banging on about his ex,how she was in a b&b that women's aid had helped her to get due to his dv and his kids didn't want to speak to him
Showed me the endless calls he made to her,where she was staying and how he was going to 'make sure I know her every move'
I got the fuck away from him and he hounded me for weeks-apparently I was to date him to make his poor ex wife jealous (I pray she didnt go back to him)

Another,we arranged to meet in town and he never showed up
I walked home and got a snotty message to tell me I should have known he was staying on at work and how disappointed in me for not being a mind reader

And the final chap before I met dp
He made a big deal of owning a cafe in my hometown and how I should 'pop in to say hello and watch me work' (???)
I didn't and it fizzled out
He came up on my 'people you may know' on fb and I had a nosey
He'd found another woman-I wasn't bothered as by that point I'd met dp
About 6 months or so later,I got a fb message demanding I meet him at a local beauty spot not too far from my house at about 10pm
I said no and got a ranting message about how I was 'too keen' earlier and that I had to meet him as I 'owed' him a shag
Turns out he'd broken up with the other lady and was casting his net as far as he could thinking that some other woman would give him a pity shag
I blocked him