Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

As Above.

Dear OP, being pressured like this... and told that you are in the wrong and feel like you need to give in "to keep the peace" is very concerning as so many pps on here have said. You are in a vulnerable position with a toddler and a new baby, and could be risking your mental health.

Please, please talk to either your midwife, your health visitor or your GP in RL and ask for help/advice.

Keeping the peace is a trauma response. I’d be repulsed by this man’s attitude.

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

That isn't any better.
It's not your duty to pleasure him by hand or mouth.

Just because he's fulfilling his role as a father doesn't mean he gets to guilt trip you into any form of sex. You don't owe him.

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth!

He's pressuring you into performing sex acts on him, against your will. He is sexually abusive

Same here, it took so long for me to be ready due to issues after last DC. Breastfeeding also lowers libido and can cause vaginal issues. Just because medically you might be signed off to have sex at some weeks doesn’t mean you are ready to have any sexual intercourse at six weeks and decent men understand that and do not pressure or push.

OP please listen to what we are saying. You should NEVER have to perform sexual acts to ‘keep the peace’. No real man would demand that, especially not at 1 week postpartum. He’s not a good person.

Don’t forget this is the man who is raising your children. You want your daughter/s to grow up thinking this is acceptable? It’s not and it never will be.

he also isn’t pressuring me into intercourse, he was meaning that i’m not pleasuring him by hand or mouth

Love, this is the same thing. Any sort of pressure for sexual contact is unacceptable. You haven’t made him sound worse, you’ve told us the situation and we are telling you that his treatment of you is not okay. If he had been unhappy with your sex life you could have had a calm conversation about it and tried to work through things together. His attitude towards your sex life and finances is unacceptable. Please hear what people are saying.

OP, this is terrible. He is not a good man.

DH and I didn't have sex for a long time when I had the babies (pregnancy, bfing and beyond) because I didn't want to. He didn't even mention it because he isn't an arsehole and could see that I had physically given my body to the purpose of creating and birthing his babies. I'm sure he felt sexually frustrated during that time but I'm glad he didn't mention it to me- it wasn't my priority or my problem.

So it's still about you not pleasuring him my hand or mouth, as you have put it yourself.
Also what state you must have been in to think there was no other way of resolving things other than offering blowjobs.
And him accepting but then he would from what he sounds like.
And him now wondering why it's stopped.

You've said in another response he is a fantastic husband, I think I can say on behalf of pretty much most of us who have been abused we've said similar things.

You need to take care of you now for your baby's sake too. This is a difficult time and especially when you need to heal more and mentally not feeling yourself.

men are used to their wants and desires being prioritised. Very many men prioritise their own needs as number 1. Then the woman in their life is socially conditioned to put his needs as her number 1 too. His mother undoubtably put his needs first too.
so when a baby comes along poor little daddy, used to being the star in his own firmament, suddenly isn't number 1. There's a new leading player. And nobody is thinking about him at the moment. They're all concerned with his partner, this new baby, and he's been downgraded. He's no longer number 1 priority for his wife. And heaven forbid if the cheeky woman is daring to put herself as number 2 priority and expecting him to stop going to gym/gaming/whatever he likes to do to assist in looking after the baby

some men can't step up like grown ups and realise their place in the priority has permanently shifted.

wtf?
Op, he’s being an abusive, coercive and revoltingly selfish bastard.
The fact you felt you had to force yourself into performing for him is so sad and soul-destroying.
☹️

Or he could consider her needs, why are his more important?

But, if you read the thread, @PregnancyHormonesss you will see he wanted sex, or 'pleasuring by hand or mouth' when OP was 1 wpp and 2 wpp - when she would not be healed and should not be having sex at all - and she had a c-section, which takes much longer to heal and get over. OP's DH is a creep who did not support her financially when she was pregnant and then went off the deep end when she had a bad credit card bill, instead of realising what a useless H is was in not supporting his pregnant wife and child.
He was forcing her to offer oral and manual sex when she did not want to. This is rape (oral sex, hand job is sexual assault) and treating OP as a thing, not a person. Whatever else he does, he is still a poor specimen of humanity.
NB Not all women want to do oral sex and it is wrong to force them to do it, and force includes gaslighting of the type OP's H is using.

Christ his whining would put me off ever wanting sex with him again!

Why can't he just have a wank and STFU?

Apparently some men use a vacuum cleaner hose to bring themselves off - the vacuum cleaner is on. I am reminded of Harold's mechanical hand in The Big Bang Theory here, similar idea. Mechanical stimulation. Not sure if the vacuum cleaner thing is true, but OP's idiot H might give it a try?

All your posts are predicated on the premise that OP's DH is somehow 'owed' sex. You are the one that brought up her vagina in the context that if her vagina has healed, she should be having sex with her husband. He is basically blackmailing her for sex because she recently gave him oral sex to stop him leaving her after he found out that she had credit card debts (due entirely to him expecting the same financial contributions from her when she was unable to work).

No-one should ever have sex that they don't want and if her DH insists or continues to put pressure on her to make her feel guilty, he should be called names. Kindness, support and undertanding from her DH will help OP recover much more quickly than being coerced into some form of sexual activity.

She doesn't want to. Not wanting to is a good enough reason all by itself.

You are not a pleasure machine. You are doing sexual acts to keep the peace. You feel the need to perform sexual act and are worried about the impact if you don't. @Stephanieava does that sound like a good man? Does that sound like a good partner,? Someone that you're so worried about disappointing that you're doing sexual acts so ad not to upset them. Would you be happy if your daughter was with someone just like her dad in adulthood?

I think you have been so abused and conditioned that you can't even see it anymore. I bet he tells you how lucky you are and what a catch he is. How bad things will he for you without him.

You need help @Stephanieava . You need help to see this isn't normal.

No. It means what it said.

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy

Leaving the rest aside, he should have been paying for EVERYTHING when you were pregnant, AND until you go back to work. You have lost YOUR wages because you grew HIS baby, WTAF!

When I met my now DH, he talked briefly about whether we might have kids. I didn't want any more (had 2 already), and I bluntly asked him whether he could afford to pay for everything for a year, and no he couldn't, so that was that.

Omg this is just ridiculous. Our replies are based on what we know from OP and not even once she has mentioned she hasn’t physically healed from giving birth and USUALLY 8 weeks is more than enough for that so why can i not assume she is fine but its ok for you to assume she needs more time to heal 😳😳😳
obviously if smth is going on and her body needs more time then its a simple answer but its quite an important thing to mention which she hasnt.
people here just added so much to her story for no reason, calling her husband names, advising to leave, divorce straight away, accusing him ot the worst abuse ever because he wants to have sex after over a year (including 2 months pp)
ridiculous🤷🏻‍♀️
no need to jump on me because i disagree

Does that mean that a woman who has been, for example, physically and sexually abused by a man would lose the moral high ground if she called that man a cunt? That swearing is on the same level as abuse?

Yuk! What a dreadful person you are. Some women take much longer to recover from childbirth and not everyone is fully healed after 8 weeks. No-one should be having sex that they don't want.

He should have been paying your living expenses and all expenses relating to the children while you were unable to work.

When you revealed to him that you had run up debts during pregnancy trying to pay these necessary expenses he should have felt downright ashamed of himself and like a failure as a man, father, husband and human being for not taking care of his family. Instead he got shitty with you and is now pressuring you for sex.

The man is a walking red flag and you should not subject yourself and your children to a life with him.

Intercourse doesn’t have to mean penetration. What you are describing is really worrying OP. No matter what he does outside of this, his behaviour has been shocking at an incredibly vulnerable time in your life. Mentally and physically you should not be prioritising his sexual needs so soon after birth unless you wanted to, and even then they recommend waiting 6 weeks for a reason.

Imagine if you had had major abdominal surgery that wasn’t related to pregnancy, I bet you’d think slightly differently about his requests. It’s because he is putting himself in competition with the baby and wanting a part of you that nobody else can have.

In a healthy relationship to a good man, no wife would EVER think at 8wks pp, 'I need to keep my dh happy, so I'll give him blow jobs.' Regardless of their current mental health state.

That already marked you out as not being in a healthy equal relationship. You are in a relationship whereby your role is to keep him happy. You have both seemingly settled in to these roles to the point that now you think him demanding the continuation of his blow jobs is a perfectly normal request from a fantastic father.

It isn't at all.

If your relationship was good, it would never have crossed your mind that you need to give him blow jobs to keep him happy. He would have been taking care of you and his baby as his first priority, and put his own wants aside. Like good parents do.

You ARE being sexually abused. Coercion.

It also sounds like you are being financially abused now too. When you weren't working due to your pregnancy, a good man would have said 'shall I transfer some money to you/shall we set up a joint account.' You have taken the blame for getting in to debt, whereas you got in to debt because he didn't step up like he should have financially.

I'm sorry that your life experiences to date have led you to believe this is a good man. I hope you work it out soon so that your children aren't role modelled this inequality much longer.