Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

Please don't keep defending him! Read all the opinions on how awful and abusive he's being.

So, I know I've been naughty, getting into debt,

Not even that - "I've been using the credit card to buy essentials, as I am unable to work due to pregnancy and you are not supporting me'

I'm sorry, but he's a cunt!

It is understandable that he would feel annoyed imo. How finances are handled in a marriage is down to the partners.

The fact she hadn't been transparent with me would annoy me. But part of that feeling would be anger at us both that there was a reason she hid it, couldnt talk about it. Because you're correct HE should have been providing too. She should have been able to tell him. The fact she didn't says it all.

My point is however he felt is fine. It's behaviour that matters and his wasnt to build trust, look at how they could communicate more effectively but cash in on daily BJs from a woman exhausted and desperate to keep him. He should love and respect enough that she doesn't have to convince him to stay with favours.

As so many have said here, OP, please please see that your husband is not treating you well. He should have been supporting you financially when you couldn't work, not happily cashing in on BJs when your understandable debt was discovered. He should not be pestering you for sex or handjobs and blowjobs when your body and mind are recovering from childbirth. It is so unreasonable of him - he's not putting your needs anywhere on his list of priorities.

It's easy for PPs to tell you to leave him etc, and I know that's not what you need to hear either when you're 8 weeks post partum. But please at least try and get him to see just how absolutely unreasonable he's being, both as regards sex and the lack of financial support before. And if he can't see it then maybe you need to plan for the future that one day sooner or later you will need to leave. I do really worry for you too about the financial stuff. He really should have been supporting you financially with stuff for baby and you and I hope he is now. I hope he's also paying off the credit card debt as if he had stepped up before it wouldn't exist.

Just to point out, OP had built up debt because she was paying for things for baby and herself while not working in self-employed job. So it's not understandable that he should be annoyed - he should have been supporting his DW while she was pregnant with his DC! Why did he not wonder how she was able to pay for these things without an income coming in?

OP didn't say he pressured her into the BJs. She suggested it as a joke and he went along with it.
Yes, she didn't want to and shouldn't have done it. In hindsight, "I was joking" or "I wasn't being serious, I've just had our baby" might have been better than to go along with it but it is what it is.

Also, @Stephanieava , do you know for sure that he would stop the marriage just because he's not getting his sexual needs met?

Now he's asking her why has it stopped?
She needs to tell him it's because she her head was all over the place when baby first came along what with the debt and that she was joking about the blowjobs but as he was serious about it, she felt like she couldn't back down because she didn't want him to get mad.

Then see how DH reacts.

@Stephanieava

I had sex with my ex when I didn't want to many times to 'keep the peace'.
It feels weird to say aloud that I was raped because it's not how you expect rape to be. But I had sex with him when I really didn't want to and I'd told him that I didn't but we'd end up doing it anyway.

You need to be concentrating on yourself and your needs and that of your DC. If your DH gives you a hard time, the silent treatment, manipulates in any way that makes you feel like you have to do something that you don't want to... Then he is abusing you darling and you must finish the marriage because you have to take care of yourself and pop it yourself first for the sake of your child. You are the most important person in your life because if you're not ok, you won't be 100% for the baby.

Good luck x

Please do post less and less on this thread. (It's fine to have an opinion about there being too much bad language on Mumsnet but this post really isn't the place to post it. The vast majority of us on this thread are deeply concerned for OP - it is frankly weird and tone deaf to be posting about bad language in this context.)

If I'm reading this right he doesn't want you to do anything against your will, he wants you to want to do it. It's kind of problematic for him to express this though because it's hard not to then feel pressured. You ended up pretending to want to because you were desperate to make up after an argument about finances so now it feels like a bit of a mess and understandably it's not increasing intimacy for you at the moment.
I'd suggest taking a break entirely from anything sexual for now. Your mental health needs to be a priority. Lots of couples don't have much sex for 6 months or more, some get back to it more quickly, but it can depend on how much sleep you're getting and how well you have healed from the birth. Encourage him to take care of his own sexual needs and give you some time and space to heal.

I understand you you're feeling muddled and overwhelmed but I do think YABU and you've created a lot of mess yourself here. I can't understand:

Why you'd not just communicate about money in the first place- tell him your income has reduced and it's not covering cost and he needs to step in

Why when it came to light you'd think you can fix things with him by being sexual with him in a way which wasn't natural to you rather than explaining yourself and rebuilding trust in 'normal' ways.

Now he's confused wondering why everything sexual has stopped again. I know that's not a priority when you have a newbrn but I don't blame him for being a bit bemused.
Hope you can work through it.

Sounds like a healthy marriage in some ways because at least you are having good open conversations. Sometimes no one “wins” and it’s just about being heard. All couples go through dry spells and no one, except a very small handful of couples, are having sex for months after a new baby. I can really relate to this, for me it wasn’t after a baby though. We focussed on intimacy in other ways. Holding hands and cuddling. It all worked itself out and from about 6 months pp our sex life is the best it has ever been. Be kind to yourself. I’m wondering if you will have had time in your old body to fully process the loss of your previous baby and now you have a completely new body where nothing feels as you remember it. You are essentially trying to stitch together a different person after having a baby that you won’t even recognise. Ah newborn days. It gets better. Men… they don’t always get it at first because you look like the same person but I’m sure he’ll get there. X

Thanks for explaining,I've not heard of that before lol

Weeks post partum

Weeks Post Partum, i.e. how many weeks after giving birth

I've been on mumsnet 15 years and every day of that there's been posts of fathers/husbands who are absolutely useless in terms of 'help' but described as fantastic fathers.

But. This past month it has suddenly switched to sexual abuse being accepted as the norm for some poor women.

I am worried for my daughters. I hope I've taught them well enough that you pack up your children and walk away from a man like this.

Women having sex they do not want is a repetitive theme on Mumsnet and so depressing.

What's wpp?????...🤔

It seems to me that you're sexual activity with your husband is because he wants it, not you and it's been that way for a long time.
Do you still want to have sex with him at all, ever again?

I think this is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on MN.

A woman, posting about her husband's needs not being met, and her explaining it all in great detail to the point this is is taking up so much of her headspace.

Whilst she has a newborn that she should be utterly absorbed and besotted with.

This man is literally stealing your attention away from a defenceless BABY, because he is so DAMN selfish and thinks that HE, a grown ass man should take your priority over this wee baby.

You need to wake up and tell this horrible, grim, selfish cunt to fuck off. Then divorce his selfish, creepy, GRIM ass.

Do you seriously have any respect for a man like this? I actually feel physically sick at the thought of a woman 1WPP, after having had major abdominal surgery aswell, giving a man several blowjobs because he's crying that he's not getting attention because that selfish baby is taking it all.

I really want to vomit. If you stay with this selfish disgusting cunt, this will be your life - FOREVER.

So many posts recently on MN are turning me into a man hater. I have to remind myself that there are actually decent men out there and not all of them are like those posted about on here. Thank fuck I married well - second time round.

Jesus. How hard up was he that he actually accepted the sexual favours those first couple of weeks. If I were a man in his position I’d be encouraging my partner to rest and recuperate in that time and ensuring they were truly ready before jumping back into anything sexual. Also, if at any point my partner changed their mind and decided they weren’t feeling it, I would accept that. I’m not saying he can’t have feelings, but my god, you’d think he were the baby. HIS needs aren’t being met? What about yours?? What about your need to recover after literally giving birth?!
Is there any chance of taking him to a doctors appointment or a support group with you, and explaining how you’re feeling to a doctor/group and hopefully having them validate your feelings, so your husband can hear and hopefully start to understand?

You don't owe him any kind of sexual relief, he is not entitled to it. If he wants hand relief he can do it himself. You have an 8wk old baby, life right now is a blur of broken sleep and leaking fluids.

He needs to stop pressuring you, it's coercion. You need to heal, and rest, and in a few weeks, or months, you can start to pick up your sex life.

“His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy.”

You could (and should) turn this point back round on him - why would he not want to be pleasing his partner by not forcing her (by moaning constantly) into doing things she doesn’t want to, and letting her do things at her own pace as she feels ready and willing, because that would make you happy.

He really sounds so disrespectful, immature and selfish. His good qualities as a father don’t make up for this.

Sorry OP, he sounds absolutely awful, disgusting. I'm being kind here, considering what I really think of him.
He doesn't care about you, your feelings, what you're going through, what you've been through - he only cares about himself and his sexual pleasure. It's revolting.

Please leave. Being alone will be a million times better than being with him.

Hmmm you might need to if that’s a concern because it’s categorically turned me for ever though I’m reassured that I will always be safe