Page 13 | Husbands says his needs are not being met - I’m 8wpp!

Stephanieava · 2025-02-03T14:59:49+00:00

I’ll try to keep this short I’m currently 8wpp. I had a terrible pregnancy, sickness the entire way & just all round awful. Me & my DH had zero sexual intimacy during that 9 months, plus a couple of months before (beside the obvious) when I was also pregnant but it unfortunately resulted in a loss. Got pregnant again within a month Anyway, today my DH has sat me down for a conversation telling me his needs aren’t being met & i’m not making his feelings a priority We had an incident at 1wpp (section) where I had been keeping a secret from him (financial) & he was very cross when I came clean. I said i’d do anything to keep him from leaving & made a joke about BJs everyday etc (god that’s so juvenile). Baring in mind I was 1wpp, & not in the best head space anyway. We had about 2 weeks where I really made an effort… and this sounds awful… it wasn’t because I wanted to, i felt i had to to keep him here. Not that he was pressuring me into it or anything, but i was trying anything to get our relationship back to normal. Which it now feels like it is My headspace just isn’t in the place of giving sexual favours. I’m still in pain, my boobs are hurting from BF, i’m exhausted, my MH isn’t great etc etc etc His point is that I was doing ‘bits’ for those 2 weeks, so why was it alright then but not alright now I said i suppose i see his point, but i don’t want to feel cooerced into doing something sexual when I don’t feel like it. It’s not the first time he’s said this to me though, he also said it when i was pregnant I suppose neither of us are being unreasonable in our stances, we’re allowed our feelings. But a part of me feels he should swallow them as I’m still only 8wpp! How can I explain this to him in a decent way?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 15:57

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

It isn't a good point at all, especially when she's just had a baby. It's about the worst possible time to bring it up.

It's also all about OP meeting his needs. What about him meeting her needs? Why is it all about what OP can do for him?

Tipsyscripsy · 03/02/2025 15:56

is there a reason you felt you couldn’t go to him regarding needing things to be different financially when you were pregnant?

I ask because I would never be in a situation with my spouse where I felt I had to get into debt because I couldn’t say hey we need to relook at our financials because our situation has changed.

obviously hiding debt is not good and it was probably a shock to him but I question why you were in that situation in the first place?

Therealjudgejudy · 03/02/2025 15:56

He is a disgusting sex pest.

This is in no way what a loving and supportive husband and father does op.

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 15:56

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

Because he’s behaving like a cunt ? My DH ever spoke to me in that way, he would be lucky to still be living in our house, never mind getting a hand job.

Pootlemcsmootle · 03/02/2025 15:55

Be honest and tell him what you told us.

If you feel you can't talk to him, and need to keep having sex to keep the peace, when you are PP, OP that's awful coercion. Any moron knows that getting sexually serviced isn't a priority or even on the bloody list for a women who has just been pregnant, given birth, is looking after a newborn, sleep deprived, while her body is still repairing itself. I mean FGS. He knows that. Sounds like he just wants to pressure you into sex because he feels entitled to it which is so horrible for you.

Just so sorry you have this man treating you like this. He doesn't sound like a loving partner at all. Does this have legs long term? He doesn't deserve you.

MsCactus · 03/02/2025 15:55

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

"why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy"

Why does he not clean the entire house because it would make you happy?

Why will he not give you oral sex on demand because it'll make you happy?

Why will he not do all the night wakings with the baby because it would make you happy?

See how ridiculous this is if you say it back to him - you're not his slave OP!!! What about your happiness?

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 15:54

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

He is abusive and the sooner you realise that the better. He isn't a good husband, not at all.

ChangingHistory · 03/02/2025 15:54

Obviously this guy needs to be told to give it a break or leave. He has no right to pressure you for sex.

But you used sex to manipulate him, you have not covered yourself in glory here either.

Vaxtable · 03/02/2025 15:53

Tell him you have just pushed something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a ping pong ball. Would he like to try it and see how he feels?

Plus breastfeeding, would he like someone at his chest for hours a day, not to mention crying, nappies and the ret

I would say to him that you feel you are being forced into doing something you don’t want to do and don’t have the capacity for and actually that’s rape

He can sort himself out

ILiedToJimmyNail · 03/02/2025 15:53

What an absolute arsehole.

Leave him. You're better off without him. How can anyone be so selfish? It's repugnant. He doesn't care about you OP. He only cares about himself. I'd bet money he doesn't do his share of the chores or childcare either.

I rarely say LTB on here but for the love of all things holy OP... LTB.

PhyllisWallet · 03/02/2025 15:52

Twat, creep, cunt, selfish, repulsive, deranged, pig, vile, coercive, revolting, rapist, grim, twit, nasty, uncaring, abusive, controlling, disgusting, arsehole, dick, horrible.

Really excelling yourselves today ladies 😳

ETA Nob (sp).

Wendolino · 03/02/2025 15:51

Sounds like he's your biggest baby

Quinlan · 03/02/2025 15:51

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

Show quote history

But that’s a discussion you have during a time when she was in less of a vulnerable state. Maybe during the pregnancy, it’s normal to continue a sexual relationship during pregnancy so he should have talked about it then. But what he is doing now is absolutely not Ok. No matter how much you love your spouse, a few weeks after giving birth is not the time. She doesn’t want to. That’s the end of it. Let her heal. Instead, he is forcing her.

They should have discussed this before. They didn’t. So now, he needs to wait until she has healed and isn’t exhausted from a new baby.

Original poster

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:51

I’ve just tried to approach the subject again

the financial incident was that i built up debts that he didnt know about on credit cards (in my sole name) whilst i was unable to work during pregnancy. They had gotten to the stage of me not being able to pay them anymore. Anyway, that side of things is sorted now

I said to him (& i think its wound him up more) that during the 2 weeks or however long it was, i was in a desperate head space and would have done anything to make our relationship normal. I didn’t enjoy it or want to do it

he’s not responded well. He said that was gross to hear and also unkind. Gross for him to think that i was pleasuring him but not enjoying it - makes him feel like he was forcing me. Which he wasn’t, it was me offering it. Unkind because i basically ‘pulled that out of the bag’ as a weapon to keep him but then took it away now i feel our relationship is normal. He said it was like dangling the carrot and then taking it away and is confused how i can’t see his point of view. I can to a degree but i also can’t understand how he doesn’t see mine

His end point is why would i not want to be pleasing my partner when it would make him happy. I said it doesn’t even cross my mind and again to him that’s what upsets him, that im not even thinking about it

I don’t really know where to go from here

i’ve definitely made him sound worse than he is, he’s not abusive, he is a fantastic father and husband (most of the time!). But does get moody from time to time i must admit

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyTeen · 03/02/2025 15:51

Ugh, what every woman wants, especially post baby, to be treated like a piece of meat. Vile man

Laura36TTC · 03/02/2025 15:49

He sounds like a total prize nob

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:49

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

What was your response to that? It's a good point.

Despite what the other posters here are telling you, a year without any intimacy is not at all normal or healthy, pregnancy or not.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 03/02/2025 15:48

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

Flip it around on him. Why would he put all this pressure on making someone he supposedly loves,do something she really doesn't want to do. He's vile 😞

Caerulea · 03/02/2025 15:48

Meadowfinch · 03/02/2025 15:29

Please show him this thread and help him to realise how unreasonable he is. You aren't a machine. Perhaps show him some pictures of birth injuries. Most men don't have a clue.

I was sexually active during pregnancy, but it was 6 months before we dtd after ds arrived. That is not unusual. It takes time to heal, and it has to be right for you too.

If he were remotely capable of seeing what a repellent pig he is being he wouldn't need to see this thread.

It will make absolutely no difference.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 03/02/2025 15:47

How is he meeting your needs op? Is he pulling his weight with the baby and the home? Is he giving you space to still be 'you' even with a small baby, is he doing some of the night feeds etc etc. it works both ways and you being rested and feeling loved and looked after will do wonders for your sex drive

outerspacepotato · 03/02/2025 15:45

Your husband is a coercive rapist.

His "needs" aren't real needs. He won't die without sex. He wants to use your body with no consideration for your physical and mental health.

You could get an infection that could affect your health for the rest of your life or others severe complications.

Why don't you want to pleasure him? Because you are still recovering from giving birth and your body needs time to heal properly, not be used as his fleshlight. Because your body is exhausted in adjusting to the physical demands of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation. Because you're a human being, not a sexbot.

Quinlan · 03/02/2025 15:44

If you were lying to your spouse about finances (when about to have a new baby so it affects you both) then your marriage was already in trouble. You do not lie about finances. That is a red line which totally erodes trust, yet you did it. That’s not a solid marriage.

Then, your husband uses that to force you into sexual favours when you’ve just given birth, your body is healing, you’re exhausted with a new baby, you’re breastfeeding and probably feel pretty awful a lot of the time. Yet, he doesn’t care about your needs or the baby’s needs or what that’s doing to you. He only cares about his sexual needs being met, even if it means forcing or coercing or guilting you into it, when he knows you don’t want to. Does he need to see you crying whilst you suck him off before he’ll stop forcing you? It’s disgusting. He is disgusting. And this is another sign that your marriage is not a good marriage. You don’t force your PP wife into doing that. But he thinks it’s ok? No. This is a failing marriage and a pretty selfish, disgusting man.

You lied about finances. Right. That’s bad. But that does not equate to you having to give him sex in any form just because he demands it when you don’t want to. You do not owe him that. You don’t deserve to be abused.
You also don’t owe it just because you’re married or you love him or whatever reason he says you do. Marriages are meant to be a team and when one is struggling (which you do after having a baby) the other is meant to lift you up, not force you into sex.

You need couple therapy or you need to end the marriage. Lying and sexual abuse is not a good marriage.

DecafDodger · 03/02/2025 15:43

I bet the financial issue that he's punishing you for was something like using your credit card to buy the baby a pram, or something..

Yes, saying he will leave if he doens't get a BJ per day absolutely is pressuring you.

Pussycat22 · 03/02/2025 15:43

Sex pest.!!!

WearyAuldWumman · 03/02/2025 15:42

Stephanieava · 03/02/2025 15:22

i have asked him why he would want me to do something i don’t want to do. Not sex, but pleasure him. And he asked why would i not want to pleasure my partner, the person i love

Ask him why he would want to coerce someone he loves, someone who is still physically unwell, into pleasuring him.