Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

You’ve been doing this for years so you are obviously capable which means this is outside forces making you feel this way.
So, have a think about those.

This new manager; what are some examples of them holding women (you) back and therefore probably knocking your confidence?

Food and drink - I was a single parent to 2 under 2, and I was a frazzled mess but a big thing was my diet. I was always dehydrated. I ended up hospitalised from dehydration and I couldn’t remember when I had last had a proper drink, and I was eating terribly around work and feeding the kids and looking after them. It had a huge impact on my ability to be good at my job (which I am good at) and I was never able to do it properly because I wasn’t giving my body the fuel it needed.

Sleep; see above. Sleep has a huge affect on your mental health and outlook. How are you sleeping?

Relax and recharge time - do you get much? Do you get any time to yourself, proper time to yourself not just when your child is asleep because you’re still “on” and always listening for them. Can you find some me time? A break?

Finding ways around it; what about using some annual leave to go down to a 4 day week for a couple of months? Take a day off a week? Flexible working might be an option too if you put in a request?

It’s really important to have a look at all things happening around you, because you can do your job so this isn’t you being unable to do it, this is all the pressure outside of it weighing you down and coming out in this imposter syndrome and stress reaction around work.

Sounds to me as if you are being bullied. This will leave your confidence on the floor and you need to get out. Start applying for jobs. Have you considered a career coach? I bet they will help you see where you are being undermined.

I forgot to add - there are a lot of comments implying you should look for another job.

I would suggest that it’s common for a new job be stressful and likely to make you doubt your abilities in the first few months. So a new job might not be the answer.

You need to be clear whether it’s your current job that is the issue, or whether your stress levels/confidence is the issue - because a new job won’t solve this.

I'm a solicitor. I hated private practice and now do child protection work with the local authority. All local authorities are crying out for for lawyers for cp work. I changed from divorce in private practice to it 5 years ago. Obviously it would be a big change and it has its stresses but your skills are transferable. I've gained flexibility, work with nice people and best of all, no pressure to account for every six minutes of your working day. A lot of my colleagues are young mums and it seems to work for them. Just a thought. Good luck xx

Okay, so you've been doing that job for years, so you absolutely can do it. But it sounds like your boss is picking on you, and you feel overwhelmed juggling parenting with work, and that's making things really hard. Also, if you are describing brain fog, perhaps your hormones are at play! Are you an age where perimenopause may be contributing to your feelings?

As a manager and HR consultant - I’d firstly recommend that you speak to HR about this. They have a duty to support you, and your wellbeing, which is clearly being affected regardless of your performance.

You need to explain to them how you’re feeling, including any reasons why, and outline some ways that you think the situation could be improved.

It sounds like you need some clear feedback about your performance one way or the other, and it will bode well for you, if you’re proactive in looking for it.
Explain anything you need that would help you succeed (for example, is there a training need? Do you need a refresher? Do you need hours changed to be able to get back on track?)
Then, I’d suggest asking for a review period, to see how you feel once changes and feedback is in place, and you’ve had chance to improve.

You need to be honest with your employer, and see what they can do to support you. Remember, they have a duty to look after your wellbeing, support you in returning to work, and to ensure you can do your job.

@FromTheFirstOldFashionedWeWereCursed yes I was the person saying that - I'm not in legal, so will def take your comment that my suggestion wasn't right as you know that market - interesting what you say about 'in house' though - many years ago I worked in recruitment both totally 'in house' and for agencies- and the difference was chalk and cheese- one felt very 'salesy' and in house simply wasn't and whilst it had pressures, the pressures were far more manageable - so yes OP - I think that isa good suggestion

Bite the bullet and start looking for another job. Recruitment agencies may be helpful.

Don't wait for things to get worse with your current job.

I agree - especially this:

a slight change of field where you aren't actually expected to know everything on Day 1

Hi OP
I am a solicitor too, qualified in 2015. I know exactly how you feel, i went on mat leave and didn’t return to my previous job. Moved firms and went to an awful one, they made me feel like i didn’t know what i was doing and really destroyed my confidence. That on top of trying to look after a toddler who was 2 at the time. I moved firms in the end and it was the best thing i ever did, i’m much more settled and my confidence has all come back. It will honestly be the firm you are at it’s not you. Try put your feelers out with a recruiter and i’m sure you will get offered a new position with a much better firm.

Are you full time?

How much of this sense of not knowing is external and how much of it is internal? You’ve had a career break to be a parent, you’re gonna need some catching up- everyone in your situation would. That’s natural. Try not to panic. Remember how strong at it you were before. You’ve got tonnes of years of experienced. You’ve got this.

Someone upthread has mentioned taking a career break or becoming a paralegal. That would definitely be the wrong thing to do! If you were competent before you were having such a hard time, you'll be competent and increasingly confident again in the right environment. Talk to your GP if you feel like mental health support would be useful, and spend a few evenings after the baby is asleep knocking together a rough CV - rough is fine for now.

In house work might suit you beautifully - there are all sorts of working practices, environments and cultures, some of which are very much more family-friendly than any private practice role, IME. (I'm GC with a team of 10 lawyers and have two little kids so I know the challenges).

If you want to DM me, very happy to talk to you in more detail and confidentially, or to review an early CV draft. But DO NOT step back to being a paralegal, you'll never get back to where you are now and you'll turn a blip into a career-long problem.

This sounds really tough. I would def try and take some time out if you can but also consider in house. It is soo much better for a work/ life balance and your background in commercial would make you a fab asset. Set up a Linkedin page if you haven’t already and get looking/ applying. Happy to review your cv if you want to send me a message or contact some legal recruiters as they can often help. Also consider commercial office/ manager roles as your background would fit in well there. Civil service and LA may also be a good fit. Much more flexibility and less demanding- no time recording or costs targets for a start but not working with solicitors all the time you realise how high the expectations in a law firm really are.

Best of luck with whatever you do but try not to let this put you off law entirely as you will be able to get another job even if not in a law firm.

Corporate /contract law is a matter of re reading everything to make sure you haven't forgotten anything. I'm not a solicitor but my family are.
Let me guess the new manager is a man? Law firms are notorious for being unfriendly to family life. Shocking employment practices too.
I would challenge this person each time they put you down. Look around for another job. Ask at interview re work life balance. FWIW I'm not working for another middle aged man again. They're toxic and see me as a threat. Perhaps that's this guys problem?

Can you get some kind of work mentor/access development support at work? Or afford to pay for one personally? They can give you the space and brandwith To breathe and assess. I bet if you had a more understanding employer you would have more breathing space and feel less overwhelmed. Is there anyone in your network that has been there that you can talk to? When I went back to work I felt part of my brain died, but actually when a stressful life even was over I realised it was the stress that was making me feel dumb not my actual brain if that makes sense x

I would look for a new role with perhaps less pressure, maybe a slightly lower level or in house. Staying where you are isn't going to get better and will damage your confidence further.
Maybe counterintuitive but a slight change of field where you aren't actually expected to know everything on Day 1, and a supportive boss, could make all the difference.

I agree that you'd benefit from a word with your GP. You might need some antidepressants as you sound more depressed than anything to me. Maybe taking some sick leave and getting started on antidepressants will help you get your head straight. You can always leave afterwards if you feel this hasn't helped, but I think it would be a good idea to try everything you can first, before you quit.

Op I think you're too hard on yourself. Qualifying as a lawyer, and being a single parent is a huge achievement. I'm sure you're very tired and it sounds like your boss is a huge asshole who has undermined your confidence. Personally I find when I'm nervous I'm more error prone and the feeling of being watched over sucks.

Is there anyway you could get more help at home, ie, babysitter and cleaner to give you a bit of a break and a rest?

Your boss sounds very sexist.

Perhaps some counselling to help your confidence, or coaching through an interview might be good?

@q1056 if you are 12 years PQE then you obviously do know what you are doing.

It sounds to me like you are being bullied in the hope that you will leave and consequently you are becoming depressed.

I am a solicitor and know how brutal corporate/commercial can be.

I think you need to take a break, get signed off and try and make a plan, don't leave under your own volition and let them off the hook.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, its awful I know.

What's the domestic situation lovely - do you rent/own ? Do you get maintenance - because my first thought would be to drop back for 18 months and look for a paralegal job - ideally 3 or 4 days a week and have a bit of a breather- you might get top ups too if you don't have tons of savings. I felt like this 5 days a week with a child that age and not much domestic support even though married.

It’s confidence
Look into this. It’s really high quality free coaching.
able-futures.co.uk

I think it sounds as though you're suffering from depression, OP, and are becoming really overwhelmed. Could you book an appointment with your doctor?

You need a new firm not a new career!

Look around for similar roles with a different company.

I think you need to take some sick leave. You don’t sound well. Once you feel better, do some relevant post grad course to help you with your role. Then go back to work.