Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

Start applying for new jobs before you get put on performance review. I imagine its imposter syndrome. Sometimes, fresh start will be good. New company and people to meet. I know interviews are daunting, but you'll get through then. Outsource as much as you can. Apply for flexible working. Good luck x

I think it sounds like a mix of low confidence after mat leave, burnout from a busy job and parenting alone and a not nice place to work. Not a good combination. If you were in a supportive firm you might cope with then other issues better. If you didn't have the other issues you might just cope in a not very nice workplace but not all at once. I would look around for other roles. If you have no time just register with an agency and let them do the work.

I came back from a second mat leave in a professional role which had changed whilst I was off that meant I felt like I knew nothing again. My flexible work request was refused so for the first time in 15 years I went job hunting. I hadn't had an external interview in that time. I dressed the part, used some things I heard from internal training in answers and tried to appear confident and it worked!

I think that’s great advice from @Mangoesintoapub , I will ad some non industry specific advice.

Can you throw some money at the problems at home to lessen the frantic and to slow the pace down?

• Child minder or babysitter to do daycare pickups to give you some breathing room?
• Cook or meal plan to cut down on that job.
• Cleaner
• Mother’s helper or babysitter with you if you have to work late from home
• laundry service

Are you me!? I'm also a commercial solicitor and have weathered various crises of confidence during my career (13yrs). I've always suffered with lack of confidence and feel like a total fraud that will one day be 'found out' - I think its so so common for women, particularly in high stakes, high stress industries. I have found it more so since having my family, and I think its due to the pressure. I'm very much the bread winner and so feel I can't fail as I'd be leaving the family with no income etc., which then places even more pressure on myself to ensure I'm not discovered as a fraud! I do realise when I say it out loud, that it's completely bonkers - It's hardly likely my company and colleagues have been 'fooled' by me for over a decade 😂

How I tend to get through it is by asking myself honestly - Have I progressed in my career since I started - the answer will most certainly be yes. Which demonstrates you do have skills, experience and abilities that have been recognized. Think about those occasions you tackled really difficult matters - you must have the skills in order to have done that. You may just be going through a tough time, but it doesn't mean you're bad at your job. More likely your managers style is not a great fit - that's not your fault, or in anyway related to your skills and capability to do your job. If you were advising your friend on this situation, you'd probably tell them to give themselves a break and that their manager sounds awful.

Objectively, spelling a name wrong or making typos doesn't equal bad solicitor either. We all make typos and silly mistakes - within legal and any other role out there you can think of. Your abilities and skills as a commercial solicitor is to consider the deal in the whole - identifying risks, burdens or complications, working with clients' risk appetites to judge whether those identified issues are acceptable or not, being able to express those risks in a digestible format for your clients so they're fully informed. A spelling error does not detract from your overall skills - don't let it tear away your confidence.

Whatever you opt to do (moving jobs or not), just remember that you're good at your job. You have lots of valuable experience and skills to lean into.

Speak to your GP, get signed off, speak to HR, get well again and take stock. Many law firms are much more supportive and much better than they used to be. You don’t need to stick at one where you are treated like this. You’re a hugely experienced and competent lawyer and you will easily get a job in a more supportive environment once back on your feet.

It hasn't taken 12 years for you to suddenly realise you don't know what you're doing. Of course you do! You've been doing it for 12 years. What's going on here is your new manager is making you think you don't know what you're doing. Your confidence is shredded by him (presumably) pecking away at you. You can either leave now, go off sick, or continue but start to keep a record of everything then present it to HR.
I am truly sorry someone else is making you feel like this they're obviously an insecure bully themselves.
Courage! And good luck. You can do this.

Most women experience t“ I’m shit at work” feeling when coming back after mat leave
some ( like me ) are a bit shit , some just have such high expectations of themselves that they give themselves a hard time

i was shit for about 3 years but luckily Covid covered my tracks and then I changed jobs

my son is at school and I’m less knackered and in an easier job

i hate working for people who don’t have young kids as they don’t get it , my current manager is a macho sexist shitbag so im looking for a better situation

it will get better, hang in there

Hi OP. I’m a solicitor who qualified over 20 years ago (so old!) and I’d advise as follows-
— First of all, don’t rush into anything. It’s normal to have a wobble when you return from mat leave. It’s not true that you can’t do your job- you’ve done it fine for 12 years- but it’s natural to find the return a challenge, especially if you have an unsupportive manager.
-Definitely ignore people telling you to become a paralegal, wtf?
-Are you at decent-sized firm? If so I would expect there to be support available, either specifically for returners or a more general mentoring scheme. Would suggest you look in to this.
-Would also suggest that you talk to someone about expectations around hours etc and what is going to work with your childcare commitments. I’m guessing that you’re a senior associate or similar and your bad manager is a partner? You can speak to your head of dept or any other partner in the group if your immediate manager is not approachable, or to HR. (My OH was head of dept at his firm for many years and this sort of thing is absolutely bread and butter stuff that they should be set up to help you with.)
-At 12y per you are a hugely valuable asset to the firm. Remember that.
-You might want to think about in-house/public sector. But I would urge you to take your time over this rather than panicking and feeling you have to leave asap. Give your firm a chance to support you.
-It’s fairly common in this sort of situation where someone does end up leaving because you can’t find a way to make it work, for the person to leave with a large payout and agreed reference. So if things are headed in that direction, consider taking legal advice yourself. But again, I wouldn’t rush down this route. There may be things that can change quite easily- some training for you, a different manager, clearer guidance on hours etc- that will make things 10x better. You have given 12 years to a private practice corporate role- don’t now panic and sell yourself out too cheap.

Haven’t voted because there was no question and I think you’re being too harsh on yourself.
This sounds like a manager problem not a you problem. This stood out:
a new manager who doesn’t seem keen on women advancing in law

It just isn’t plausible that you suddenly can’t do your job. He’s chipping away at you and unfortunately he’s succeeding.

It sounds like burnout and the job/manager is the issue rather than your ability. Go to the doctor get and get signed off for two weeks with stress/burnout. Spend that time looking for a new role, putting out feelers and talking to recruiters. Move on as quick as you can. I've worked for bad managers that make you feel like shit and great ones that build you up and help you fly. Do not waste your life working for the former.

OP you got good advice here. I’ll just add from the perspective of a careers advisor for experienced professionals - almost everyone struggles in the first few months after mat leave. It’s a huge readjustment, you feel like you can’t do your job anymore, you make little mistakes, you are hyper vigilant around others noticing your performance. The number of times I’ve heard this - it’s completely normal. In the vast majority of cases you get over it and feel much more like yourself in a few months’ time, or sometimes realise that this job no longer works for you and find something else. You CAN get your cv back into shape, you can refresh your interview skills. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. You might not be seeing it like this yet because of the stress you’re under. You’re being very hard on yourself!

You’ve had a bit of a rough time and a confidence dent. It’s to be expected.

You need to change how you see/talk about yourself. You’ve had twelve years of experience In law. Of course you know the subject! You’ve just got lots of other things going on too.

So you are making a few minor errors. You sound tired and wired. Do you have anyone who can look after your child for a night?

When I first became a single parent, I was so scared . I worried I wouldn’t be able to cope . But then I did. Now, I honestly think I am more confident than I have ever been. I can run a house, manage a child and work - all by myself. That’s an achievement but it’s a damn hard one, which is why you are burnt out.

I would look at applying for other jobs, maybe in other fields like charity or one you could work from home more. Go for an increase in salary too. You’ve got great skills that people want.

I knew a solicitor once who was ok at her job but had a lot of personal problems and was flaky as anything. She was never unemployed. As soon as she started to screw up at one job she'd immediately move to another and I am not talking about tin pot companies - they were all high profile, high net worth companies. I asked her once how she did it and she said "they're glad to be rid of me so they don't bad mouth me, there's a shortage of fully qualified solicitors so the new guys don't ask too many questions"

I am not sure how true this is and I don't mean to compare you to her at all, but with that in mind, I'd just move on as quickly as possible. If your boss is as fed up with you as you say they'll be glad to see you go and make it easy. Find a lower profile, family friendly job that fits around your child. Life is too short to be miserable at work.

I started my own business so I didn't have to deal with picky bosses. It'll never make big bucks so nothing like a professional job like yours but I well remember the misery of feeling trapped at work.

Can you do some refresher training?

Also there isn't really an excuse for getting people's names wrong. When I've experienced that sort of lack of attention to detail when dealing with solicitors it really causes me to lose confidence in their ability.

Perhaps being in a demanding job just isn't right for you at this stage of life.

It sounds to me like you have a toxic boss rather than anything else! Spelling a name wrong is unfortunately but not an indicator of your ability to do your job - and usually fixed with an apology! Especially if it’s a one off.

Also there could well be some imposter syndrome on your part but it might just be the shitty boss.

I am a lawyer and work for the civil service. Whilst it’s by no means an easy ride or a job you can coast, what it is is scrupulously fair. So there would be active consideration being given to not discriminating against you, rather than your boss’s own prejudices being allowed to hold you back. And managers are answerable.

You obviously have to do your job and work the correct number of hours but as I say, it is fair (unless the department isn’t doing its job properly and that would be found out).

People who slag off the CS as being an easy ride etc are usually people who dislike the notion of fairness to previously disadvantaged groups. So that should give you a guide.

I felt a bit like you after I went back to my firm following second mat leave. I was a salaried partner at a niche firm and knew I wanted out - mainly due to work life balance but also as I felt I couldn’t really cut it as a partner (I was good at a very narrow niche but rabbit in headlights at anything else).

I had trained there and because I was so specialised I thought “what else can I do? No one else will have me”?.

But I ended up in an internal facing role at a leading City firm (a bit like a knowledge lawyer but not that) and I am so happy with the change! It’s a 9-5 with literally zero stress - I know I am very very lucky. The first 6 months was a bit more challenging with it being a new role and me having to earn my stripes but it was still perfectly manageable despite me fretting beforehand.

Big firms do have these slightly random roles and it made me realise that I definitely did have lots of useful transferable skills and didn’t have to stick with a traditional fee earning role. Eg, CSR, innovation and legal technology.

I would speak to some recruiters to see what they can suggest about alternative careers in the law/law firms IF that’s something of interest.

But equally I agree with other posters, it may be imposter syndrome and the general stress of juggling family and career that is making you feel this way together with your unsupportive boss. So if you didn’t feel like this before you went on mat leave and you were broadly happy with your role and your capabilities then maybe don’t be too quick to give it up.

Feel free to pm me if you fancy a chat.

Is there a HR department you can speak to? It’s up to the firm to ensure you have the appropriate training to fulfill the role. I think an appointment with your GP also sounds like a good idea. Try and stay calm OP, you wouldn’t have made it this far if you couldn’t do your job. Things will get better if you start being honest and asking for help even if that ultimately means looking for another job. Sending you positive energy. X

Absolutely this. In my first job after university, I had a great manager who liked me and was supportive. He was then replaced with a battle axe of an editor who didn't like me from the word go, and pulled apart everything I did. Admittedly, i was crap at the admin side of the role but she basically found nothing good in anything I did and did me a huge favour letting me go after the probation period had ended.

I then went on to work at the company where I met my DH, so maybe sometimes things are meant to be crappy before they are good ❤️

Could you speak to an employment lawyer to see if there are grounds for workplace bullying op?

OP I am also 12 years qualified in commercial law with young kids, and I have really struggled after mat leave. Imposter syndrome is like a constant malignant presence squatting on me. I actually had a call with a recruiter this afternoon because I saw an advert for a role that on paper is perfect for my experience - I nearly cancelled the call because I felt so sure he would "find me out", and I didn't want the humiliation of someone openly telling me that I'm not good enough.

If you are in private practice then you should seriously consider moving inhouse. There are absolutely loads of inhouse roles for commercial lawyers recruiting at the moment, and the private practice pay war means that lots of places are struggling to attract applicants so it's a good market for job seekers. Being inhouse is the only thing that has kept me sane - private practice would have broken me by now.

My other recent revelation that I am trying to embed in myself is that I don't need to be perfect at my current role in order to be valuable in a different role. Sometimes it is the role that is the problem, not you.

Right, I would definitely recommend trying to find a job in house. It is so much more flexible and you work independently a lot more IME, without senior people breathing down your neck to turn things out fast and perfectly but also without billing too much 🙄. For most day to day queries the internal clients are just grateful to have someone who can give them an answer, they aren’t going to grill you over typos.

There are other issues with in house (fewer promotion opportunities, and lower pay, although senior associate pay in law firms is fairly shit for the hours and stress IMO) but for someone in your shoes it could be great.

And if it doesn’t work out, law firms are often very happy to have someone with in house experience back in practice.

Tap up contacts if you can - I bet you have ex colleagues now in-house who would be happy to have a coffee and chat about what it’s like, and you never know, there may be a vacancy there. But speak to agencies too.

In your situation, I'd take a few days off and speak to a recruiter.

First thing I would do is go the GP. I had that exactly. Vitamin D supplements and anti depressants sorted me out.

Do you have your own following? Could you go to one of the dispersed law firms where you just get paid for what you do bill? My husband works for Keystone. Very flexible, lovely people.

You are being bullied by your boss.
They are pressurising you into quitting. Either because they want to bring a less experienced person in for less money or because they are sexist and anticipate you will want more time off for childhood illnesses and won't be able to do unpaid weekend work at the drop of a hat, or simply because they are a prick and enjoy picking on people. What is the HR in your place like? keep a note of these incidences it will help you see a pattern and will help you judge whether this criticism is justified or not.

You've done so well so far... and its not easy... don't let this idiot undermine you. There has been some good advice about taking a short GP authorised break to get back on top of this.

One other thing to consider. Your son is 3... when will he start school. I found it was challenging in other ways, but in the run up to starting school they are maturing and want more stimulation and activity. Once they start school, they get all of that ( although it may have other challenges) but they do get into more of a routine and are ready for bed and this can make the whole thing a bit easier. So from that point, you don't have as long left to go with him as a toddler, which can be mega tiring.

Dont let a shit boss make you lose faith in yourself. There's been lots of advice, even from people in the same sector about starting to find something else less toxic. Sorry you are going through this, but you will get through it.