Been found out I can’t do my job. What the fuck do I do now

Op when your confidence goes you start worrying and making mistakes. Have a critical think about whether you are suited to the job and ok doing it and if you honestly aren’t good enough (and sorry but you were before and nothing professional wise has changed!) then think about changing to admin work or something similar. Go easy on yourself op x

He’s taking away your confidence bit by bit.

It sounds like making a mistake consumes your every fibre (it does me), but even the best people make mistakes at some point.

You can do your job, BUT this guy is getting inside your head by putting you down and undermining your ability. Don’t let the bastard invade your thoughts. Concentrate on what you’re doing, even if you have to check it 3 times.

Look after yourself, and make sure you try and get enough sleep. You know you’re capable, you studied hard to get where you are and you have learned a huge amount in 12 years.

If and when you are ready to leave, then leave, but don’t let the bastard get the better of you and try to push you.

Grit your teeth and be strong, and the next time he try’s to put you down, imagine him being naked on the loo. If you laugh, so what, your brain and your private thoughts 😁💐

@q1056 set up as a sole trader, set up a website with copy from AI, pin your business and phone number locally, attend local business networking events, work from a coworking space. Job done. 💪

Hi op @q1056

I am not in law, am an accountant, but your post really resonated. I felt completely thick / useless / slow when I went back to work.

I just want to encourage you because the brain fog did eventually lift and my brain did come back to life. It was a very uncomfortable period though - I felt incompetent at everything.

Surround yourself with positive people who support and encourage you and hang in there.

You are a qualified solicitor and very capable. It sounds like confidence taken a hit.
Money is crap but local government are crying out for commercial solicitors, pretty much every authority recruiting. Good work life balance. Very flexible.
If you need to talk to someone lawcare have a helpline.

I experienced this when I went back to work after maternity leave as a single parent. A new member of staff had started in my absence. She was 10 years younger than me, didn’t have kids yet, and although she wasn’t senior to me, she set about making my life a misery. She got really chummy with the other partners, and seemed intent on discrediting me, implying I wasn’t pulling my weight etc. She arranged meetings at short notice that I couldn’t manage due to child care, and seemed to enjoy making me look like a slacker for not attending. I was exhausted, felt I was underperforming at work and a crap mum at home. It was awful, and it nearly broke me. But I stuck it out. I had people at work who I got on with, and I’d been there a long time, so there was no way she was going to hound me out.

Fast forward a few years, my kids were older, bit more self sufficient, and I was able to be more flexible. Meanwhile she had had kids, so now she had to rush off for pick-ups (husband worked long hours). I wasn’t so tired, and I’d got my confidence back. Fast forward even more years - my kids are late teens - no more child care worries for me - but she still has plenty. I’m glad I gritted my teeth and stuck it out.

OP this time will pass, you’ll get your mojo back. You just need to ride the storm. It won’t be for ever.

Sounds like stress.
Have work got things in place for Wellbeing ?

@q1056 you don’t just quit, that’s for sure! First step, small steps - everyone here wants to help. Do you own or rent? Is the father of your dc in the picture? Helpful friends or family around?
Are the basics ok - you’re eating a decent diet, not anemic, getting enough sleep? Is it worth a doctor’s appointment to check /discuss how you’re feeling so frazzled? If you’re only feeling so incompetent since returning after mat leave or since this person started criticising you, perhaps it’s that that’s making you feel this way. If you have time, check out a book called ‘Jerks at Work’ for useful advice on how to deal with stuff. You’ve been there for 12 years - you must be good at your job or they’d have got rid of you long before this! Have you anyone to talk this situation over with irl?

Looking in from the outside

id attack and out in a complaint about the toxic attitude of the person criticising

and I’d get in fast and first

this constant toxic behaviour is undermining your confidence

I havent RTFT yet (will go back and do it later) but just to say there was a long thread a little while ago with lawyers who were all in a similar position to you and who were considering moving to civil service law jobs due to the different culture / flexibility to private practice. It might be worth having a read as it might offer you some thoughts from others in a similar position.

I'd be careful jumping ship to be honest.

If you go somewhere else, you can be got rid of for no reason at any time in the next two years.. which, in your position, is very bad news, you need stability above all else at the moment, and at least with the job you've got, you would have to go through a process of discipline (if it in fact came to that) before anything happens, it would be better to tackle your issues before it gets that far.

I can't tell you how much I feel your pain, I'm not a single parent but have a child the same age, and I run my own business, there is so much that I am responsible for I feel in a bit of a fog at times, like you are just waiting for the weekend to come round so you can take a breath and have no one bothering you, I find myself procrastinating a lot (on here usually), or doing insignificant tasks that are easy to solve, instead of dealing with issues that I have or chipping away at my massive workload.. it's like self sabotage but I don't know why.. I think when the pressure gets too much it's easier to run away from ALL of it than deal with ANY of it, eventually I have to just knuckle down and have days of not enough sleep to just bring myself up to speed.

You are obviously extremely clever, so my best advice would be, stop anything that you don't need to be doing right now and put everything in to solving your immediate work related issues.. imagine this was a friend of colleague in the same situation, what would you advise? How could you help them? My first step is writing absolutely everything down that I need to deal with, or anything that is a problem and breaking it down so you can deal with things one bit at a time.. Once kiddo is in bed, FORCE yourself to sit and starting dealing with things.

It won't solve your problems, but if you are anything like me you will start to feel so much better as soon as you start tackling the problem.

Could you try to identify what you think your weaknesses are, just top 3. Say no 1 is mispelling names. Then you focus on trying to fix this issue methodically. I hope it will help with your confidence if you know you have improved. Meanwhile, look for opportunities locally. You never know what you'd find.

I'm sure you're going to get some other solicitors comment but my understanding from friends is that it is not a positive industry for a working parent and that pushing new mum's into resignations is common practice.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Remember you still have the same skills and knowledge as you did 4 years ago, don't let them undermine you so much you question that.

Sounds like a toxic boss. Time to look for a new position?

You have a manager problem, as others have said go to HR. High performing staff do not change overnight, your manager is undermining your confidence for a reason, usually they have someone else in mind for your job, do not tolerate this - take a step back from meetings with them as much as possible, this is a tactic used to disrupt your day, and focus on the work.

Another problem you may have is that your manager is badmouthing you to people, I know its awful, deal directly with people as much as possible do not be afraid to go direct with updates on projects and make sure you take credit for your own work.

all the best.

I honestly don't think you will be put on a performance review, I think your boss knows that, and is playing up because I am guessing you've been in the company longer than they have, and they're feeling threatened in some way now you're back?

Please don't let your imposter syndrome get you down. I have worked for some horrendous bosses and genuinely thought I was the issue and was rubbish at my job. However moved to a new company in the same industry and progressed very quickly and am now at Director level. Genuinely, in the old company though I felt like I was worthless and knew nothing. Interestingly, they fought to keep me, it was just the management structure was so awful they didn't know how to motivate/support and keep their staff.

Is there anything measurable you've been pulled up on performance wise?

Spelling errors unless constant would not be a disciplinary issue. They would have to prove your performance is below par to be able to get rid of you when you've been in the company as long as you have, and are just back from maternity. Please try and keep this in your head to give you some breathing space before deciding on your next move.

Go see your GP. Get signed off for a week if you need it - makes sure your employer is aware the reason is work related stress. Ask for a return to work meeting with someone other than your manager and flag to them that you feel undermined. If nothing changes, take more time off and look for a similar role elsewhere

This! Don’t let this one man ruin your career.

Does your work offer coaching? I had back to work maternity coaching that really helped me, I also had coaching on return from covid as I couldnt do public speaking anymore even though it was my favourite part of my job. Both times it helped immensly. If your work don't offer it then find it privately. It will help you a lot to unpack things and put them back together again. Find a coach specialising in your area and needs, not one of these facebook life coaches, a corporate coach specialising in women.

You have been doing this a loooong time. I highly doubt that you don’t know what you are doing. It sounds more like you have lost confidence in yourself which is different.

Spelling an unusual name wrong happens to us all and is no reflection of your legal ability! How are you finding the legal matters? Have you been overwhelmed with new pieces of work? Or are they giving it to you in manageable doses? If you have too much on your plate, that might be the problem rather than your ability to do the job at all.

Great post!

It’s so hard parenting and working…. often feels like you’re too tired to do a brilliant job of either! And my brain has never been what it was prior to kids - it’s like “baby brain” never really left me.

Is there any training you can do to feel that you’re filling any knowledge gaps? Or confidence & resilience type training?

12 years qualified and in that role several years, you clearly know what you’re doing and are competent. I think either work on regaining confidence or look for a fresh new challenge elsewhere.

Move in-house biggest game changer EVER. More work/ life balance, less pressure, more variety.

It's so so so hard - it's impossible to work at the same level as before when you're carrying all the mental load at home.
If you have a spare room would you consider getting an au pair to help with nursery pick ups and meal prep for your child and you? And child's laundry etc? X