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AIBU?

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Original poster

Waiting for the right guy equals no baby

313 replies

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:35

I'm going full force with this - I hate how many people on here say about waiting for the right guy before having a baby (you had a baby in your situation???) Etc but between 30 to 40% of women are expected to end up childless (involuntarily) because they were searching for the right guy.

We have to accept women having babies in less than ideal situations, or we're fucked as a race.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 16:32

Lookatallthesepearlsonthefloor · 03/02/2025 16:21

The father doesn't have to be shit, just not perfect or a bit ineffectual. And it's easy to virtuously label it selfish when you're safe in the knowledge that you already have children, or didn't have strong feelings to begin with.

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No one is perfect. A man doesn't have to be perfect to be a good father.

It is selfish, how is it not?

StrawberryDream24 · 03/02/2025 16:22

But let's also not forget that women (esp. middle class women) are typically hypergamous, that is they date or marry men of equal or higher social status than themselves.

Incel.alert. incel alert.

I know very very few "hypergamous" women.

It's an incel.myth.

Lookatallthesepearlsonthefloor · 03/02/2025 16:21

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 16:06

Which is incredibly selfish, especially if it involves saddling the child with a shit father.

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The father doesn't have to be shit, just not perfect or a bit ineffectual. And it's easy to virtuously label it selfish when you're safe in the knowledge that you already have children, or didn't have strong feelings to begin with.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/02/2025 16:06

Lookatallthesepearlsonthefloor · 03/02/2025 16:05

Lots of women are choosing that. But many women still do want to have children, and platitudes like you can have a perfectly good life without them don't really cut it when the biological drive is strong.

So, yeah, women will likely settle if they have to, rather than live the rest of their lives in regret.

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Which is incredibly selfish, especially if it involves saddling the child with a shit father.

Lookatallthesepearlsonthefloor · 03/02/2025 16:05

Miaowzabella · 03/02/2025 12:10

You can have a perfectly good life without having children. In fact, more and more women are choosing to do so.

Lots of women are choosing that. But many women still do want to have children, and platitudes like you can have a perfectly good life without them don't really cut it when the biological drive is strong.

So, yeah, women will likely settle if they have to, rather than live the rest of their lives in regret.

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 15:44

IcedPurple · 03/02/2025 15:41

It will be a problem for a generation or two but will then stabilise.

SK is massively overcrowded as it is, so in the longer term a smaller population may not be a bad thing. It's only in the past few centuries that populations worldwide have rapidly increased. Prior to that they were stable for millenia. The current situation is not 'normal' in a historical perspective, so a 'correction' may be in order.

In any case, other than going full Handmaid's Tale, there's very little we can or should do to make women have children they don't want to have.

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I'm not advocating a handmade's tale, just not pretending that population decline is a source for celebration or ignoring the cascade of political and cultural shifts that will follow.

IcedPurple · 03/02/2025 15:41

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 15:05

Take South Korea, sharing a land border with North Korea. With an ever shrinking and aging population, fewer and fewer able bodied people to enforce stability, what's that going to look like in 100 years?

It will be a problem for a generation or two but will then stabilise.

SK is massively overcrowded as it is, so in the longer term a smaller population may not be a bad thing. It's only in the past few centuries that populations worldwide have rapidly increased. Prior to that they were stable for millenia. The current situation is not 'normal' in a historical perspective, so a 'correction' may be in order.

In any case, other than going full Handmaid's Tale, there's very little we can or should do to make women have children they don't want to have.

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 15:28

SoapySponge · 03/02/2025 15:24

You are an idiot.

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Not nice 😕

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 15:27

Midlifecrisisxamillion · 03/02/2025 15:20

Because AI is relatively recent.

Because red tape gets in the way but could be cut down.

Because governments have been rubbish and could be a million times better.

A whole host of reasons. I bet every single one of us could think of at least one efficiency that would be doable.

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Where is AI going to add value? Genuine question, it's not clear to me

Red tape is typically workers rights or environmental protections...

Governments are rubbish, but that's directly because of how we do our politics. What changes do you propose that will give us better governments?

Every single one of us could. But it's a whole other matter trying to decide how and which ones to implement

SoapySponge · 03/02/2025 15:24

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:38

Yes

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You are an idiot.

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 15:21

HotCrossBunplease · 03/02/2025 15:15

We speak English.

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So does Australia (tfr 1.6) NZ (tfr 1.66) America (tfr1.66) Canada (1.33) Ireland (tfr 1.77) that's before you get to countries where much of the country speaks it as a second language.

Wolfpa · 03/02/2025 15:21

How selfish , to have a child knowing that your family isn’t stable

Midlifecrisisxamillion · 03/02/2025 15:20

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 15:17

Why aren't we doing that already? It's magical thinking to think our grandchildren, if we have any, won't be facing serious hardship.

"We'll just have to pull our socks up", you wouldn't cut someone's benefits and expect them to do manage more with less.

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Because AI is relatively recent.

Because red tape gets in the way but could be cut down.

Because governments have been rubbish and could be a million times better.

A whole host of reasons. I bet every single one of us could think of at least one efficiency that would be doable.

ExpressCheckout · 03/02/2025 15:20

Don't forget there are almost 4000 kids waiting to be adopted in the UK, and around 13% of adopters are single.

Source: corambaaf.org.uk/resources/statistics/statistics-england

Printedword · 03/02/2025 15:19

I guess it depends on ones worldview. I met someone and fell in love, I wasn't looking for a husband or baby father. We have one child, we tried for a long time, but we'd been together for over 10 years when we started trying.

Illegally18 · 03/02/2025 15:18

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 03/02/2025 11:36

Agreed. Under his eye.

yes,, unfortunately.

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 15:17

Midlifecrisisxamillion · 03/02/2025 15:07

So we'd have to look at things differently and how to do things more efficiently. That's no bad thing.

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Why aren't we doing that already? It's magical thinking to think our grandchildren, if we have any, won't be facing serious hardship.

"We'll just have to pull our socks up", you wouldn't cut someone's benefits and expect them to do manage more with less.

HotCrossBunplease · 03/02/2025 15:15

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 15:06

Why would they come here, over say, every other shrinking population struggling to keep their elderly afloat with ever increasing taxation?

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We speak English.

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 15:14

minipie · 03/02/2025 15:02

This is true but it will be a temporary situation. At some point the population decline would stop and we would have a stable population.

Trying to keep population growth going just to avoid this scenario is just delaying the problem for future generations to deal with

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I don't think so.

Midlifecrisisxamillion · 03/02/2025 15:12

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 15:10

Except innovators have always been young people, who we'll have increasingly few of in countries with good levels of education. And they'll be occupied by keeping the lights on, not solutions to global warming and keeping everyone going.

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There will still be plenty of innovators and I know many innovators who aren't young either.

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 15:10

Midlifecrisisxamillion · 03/02/2025 15:07

So we'd have to look at things differently and how to do things more efficiently. That's no bad thing.

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Except innovators have always been young people, who we'll have increasingly few of in countries with good levels of education. And they'll be occupied by keeping the lights on, not solutions to global warming and keeping everyone going.

ChonkyRabbit · 03/02/2025 15:09

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 14:59

It won't be nice for people to live in a world where there are not enough younger people to sustain the majority older population. Think of the strain on services now, then imagine it FAR worse. People will be encouraged to work until they choose to assisted sunset themselves.

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Increasing the birth rate with each generation would lead to even more strain. It isn't sustainable.

SallyWD · 03/02/2025 15:08

Yes, I agree sadly. I know women who've ended relationships to find the perfect father to their children. However, it hasn't been easy, and they've remained childless and are now postmenopausal.
I know a couple of women who have just settled because they want children more than anything else and to be honest they're OK. Yes, they have useless partners but their children seem to bring them fulfilment, so they just put up with it.
Don't get me wrong, I do understand how it can be miserable to have a completely shit partner. I used to have one.

C152 · 03/02/2025 15:07

I put YABU because having a baby with the wrong guy ruins both your life and that of your child. Your individual distaste of the concept of sperm donors aside, that is the most sensible option for women who desperately want a baby and haven't found the right man.

Midlifecrisisxamillion · 03/02/2025 15:07

TemporaryPosition · 03/02/2025 14:59

It won't be nice for people to live in a world where there are not enough younger people to sustain the majority older population. Think of the strain on services now, then imagine it FAR worse. People will be encouraged to work until they choose to assisted sunset themselves.

Show quote history

So we'd have to look at things differently and how to do things more efficiently. That's no bad thing.