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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Waiting for the right guy equals no baby

313 replies

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:35

I'm going full force with this - I hate how many people on here say about waiting for the right guy before having a baby (you had a baby in your situation???) Etc but between 30 to 40% of women are expected to end up childless (involuntarily) because they were searching for the right guy.

We have to accept women having babies in less than ideal situations, or we're fucked as a race.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 03/02/2025 12:03

No man is perfect.
Having said that, having a child with a useless idiot is not the answer! At all!
The species is not endangered, so no worries on that front.

Original poster
Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 12:00

BitchinTwinset · 03/02/2025 11:57

No, you mean species, not race, if you're specifying humans.

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Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:58

Penguinmouse · 03/02/2025 11:52

You only have to read the first page of this board to see the consequences of women settling for not quite the right man - lazy dads, women doing all the parenting and housework, women unexpectedly becoming single mothers because men don’t like being deprioritised for a baby…and think about the consequences and impact for those children. YABU.

That's what made me think. British men are failing - it's not men. It's British men. I

OP posts:
lemonki · 03/02/2025 11:58

The human race has not reached the numbers it has through consenting adults in loving relationships alone. Far from it.

BitchinTwinset · 03/02/2025 11:57

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:56

One race? What are you talking about? My children are mixed race?

What a weird comment. Race means human

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No, you mean species, not race, if you're specifying humans.

Original poster
Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:56

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/02/2025 11:53

Thr planet has more than enough people on it already but if you're desperate to have a child then it's possible to do it alone, with donor sperm.
You have no guarantee that the "right guy" will remain so during pregnancy/early childhood, or if either of you become ill. You have no guarantee that the "right guy" is fertile.
I'm not sure what you mean by "as a race" - the planet will manage perfectly well without humans of any kind. If you're implying we need to promote one race/nation over another then you're straying into xenophobic territory.

One race? What are you talking about? My children are mixed race?

What a weird comment. Race means human

OP posts:
Sinkintotheswamp · 03/02/2025 11:54

I do sort of agree with you. As long as the man isn't awful.

I wonder how many decades of a plummeting population it would take before men realised they needed to up their game though.

Overthebow · 03/02/2025 11:54

What do you mean by ‘have have to accept this’. Who are you referring to as we? People can do what they want, if someone wants to have a baby with a man who isn’t committed or isn't good then that’s on them and they must plan for that whilst planning for a baby, go into it expecting to be a single parent at some point.

KimberleyClark · 03/02/2025 11:53

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:49

I actually disagree with use of donor anything. We have a right to know our biological parents - this opinion is based on personal experience so it's different for individuals.

The amount of times I read about donar eggs on mumsnet does disgust me though.

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I agree that deliberately depriving a child of one half of its family history to satisfy one’s own want is wrong.

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/02/2025 11:53

Thr planet has more than enough people on it already but if you're desperate to have a child then it's possible to do it alone, with donor sperm.
You have no guarantee that the "right guy" will remain so during pregnancy/early childhood, or if either of you become ill. You have no guarantee that the "right guy" is fertile.
I'm not sure what you mean by "as a race" - the planet will manage perfectly well without humans of any kind. If you're implying we need to promote one race/nation over another then you're straying into xenophobic territory.

Penguinmouse · 03/02/2025 11:52

You only have to read the first page of this board to see the consequences of women settling for not quite the right man - lazy dads, women doing all the parenting and housework, women unexpectedly becoming single mothers because men don’t like being deprioritised for a baby…and think about the consequences and impact for those children. YABU.

BitchinTwinset · 03/02/2025 11:51

Anyone that puts their wants/needs above the needs of a child should perhaps think a bit more about what kind of parent they will be.

Original poster
Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:49

PrincessAnne5Eva · 03/02/2025 11:45

OP I agree with part of your post. I know two women who have missed the chance to have kids because they waited for Mr. Perfect. But I also know one who quit waiting and took control of her life and that worked out best.

Instead of waiting for the right guy, women who really want a baby, are financially stable in and of themselves, and able to provide love and resources to a child, have the option of going it alone. Plenty of sperm banks out there. No deadbeats needed in their lives.

I actually disagree with use of donor anything. We have a right to know our biological parents - this opinion is based on personal experience so it's different for individuals.

The amount of times I read about donar eggs on mumsnet does disgust me though.

OP posts:
LetsGoOverThere · 03/02/2025 11:48

A woman's desire to have a child is not as important as a child's right to have good parents.

I think it's preferable to have a baby without any father being involved rather than a shite one.

BitchinTwinset · 03/02/2025 11:47

If you're prioritising the woman in this situation, then yes you might be right in some situations - the woman might feel happier having a child with a poor co-parent, although they are likely to be tied together for the long-term.

If you're prioritising the potential child then you need to choose a compatible, decent person who is going to be a competent and loving parent.

Please don't knowingly saddle a child with an abusive parent.

(Obviously no-one can guarantee what kind of parent a partner will turn out to be. But you can know the person they are).

menopausalmare · 03/02/2025 11:46

Deadbeat dads cost the economy a fortune because they do not pay their way or mess up the lives of their family and social services need to pick up the pieces.

ChonkyRabbit · 03/02/2025 11:46

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:44

I agree - so how do we combat this issue while increasing birthrate?

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Don't. The Ponzi scheme of ever-increasing populations to prop up pensions and Capitalism isn't sustainable. It's going to be terrible for a couple of generations while things adjust, but it needs to happen.

JacquesHarlow · 03/02/2025 11:46

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:38

Yes

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Look I’m really sorry it didn’t happen for you OP.

If it did, why are you so adamant about arguing this point? Why do you care about population so much / the human quotient in the UK?

If it didn’t happen for you, have you asked yourself why? Is it all the fault of “British men” or is there something you can do to change your world?

”Settling” for life choices which could fundamentally f up your child for life just seems outrageous to be honest. It’s fine to want a baby, but not any any cost surely? @Chiliconcarneplease

JazzyJelly · 03/02/2025 11:46

I don't think we're likely to run out of human beings

PrincessAnne5Eva · 03/02/2025 11:45

OP I agree with part of your post. I know two women who have missed the chance to have kids because they waited for Mr. Perfect. But I also know one who quit waiting and took control of her life and that worked out best.

Instead of waiting for the right guy, women who really want a baby, are financially stable in and of themselves, and able to provide love and resources to a child, have the option of going it alone. Plenty of sperm banks out there. No deadbeats needed in their lives.

Original poster
Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:44

Jumblebum · 03/02/2025 11:40

The amount of childhood trauma that goes on due to parental conflict is staggering. Please don't just have a baby with anyone.

I agree - so how do we combat this issue while increasing birthrate?

OP posts:
SmokeRingsOfMyMind · 03/02/2025 11:43

Yes, it might. That's just tough, unfortunately. If you're not financially stable, emotionally and practically capable and in a stable, loving relationship, it's better for everyone, including you, that you don't have children.

mitogoshigg · 03/02/2025 11:43

The only time when you can consider having a child despite not being in a good relationship is when you're in a position to raise said child alone, not just financially but also having the capacity as a person to do everything solo, it's hard work not having another person as back up! I do understand the urge to have children but children deserve a good home too

Original poster
Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:43

KimberleyClark · 03/02/2025 11:41

To do better if they want children, yes. Not that they should have children they don’t want.

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Yeah, having children they don't want sounds a bit rape like tbh. I'm assuming both participate in the act

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 03/02/2025 11:41

Chiliconcarneplease · 03/02/2025 11:40

Well, to be fair I'm 100% agreeing with you - we should encourage British men to do better.

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To do better if they want children, yes. Not that they should have children they don’t want.