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Original poster

Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

566 replies

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 11:28

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 16:17

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:01

I know. I’ve been pondering this view. So my mum will now be Mrs Something Different, with a new next of kin. But that’s not a big life event? Or a big change? And legally I will have a step father? When my own father has been dead for 40 years? Nothing to see here.

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Again -so many misconceptions!

  1. A woman's name does not automatically change upon marriage! If she wants to, she can take steps to change it on official paperwork - eg HMRC, passport etc

2 'Step parent': this has no legal status where children are adults! Absolutely no difference pre marriage and post as you're not a child and he's not acquiring parental responsibility!

  1. 'Next of kin': is a term people bandy about. It's not a legally defined term and is commonly used in place of 'emergency contact'. For example, when going into hospital you may be asked to name a next of kin, but you can choose whoever you want - you have no legal obligation to put a blood relative.

So - not much to see here

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:17

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 16:09

Getting married wasn't A Big Life Event even to me, let alone other people's marriages! Big life events have been the birth of my children, completing treatment for health problems, moving past a suicide attempt and academic/career achievements. Putting a ring on it doesn't even figure.

I can well imagine that if I were 81yo (my parents are in the same age bracket) it's even less of an event.

She's been with him 30 years. You don't even see her for Christmas, you live 200 miles away. Legally having a step-father is for your to wrap your head around; it doesn't take your mother arranging her marriage ceremony around your and your children's needs to do that.

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You’re hilarious. I will endeavour to be more like you. Thanks.
And now you have made this thread about you, you can leave me to it.

OP posts:
Runningoutofthyme · 03/02/2025 16:17

do you have to submit your birth certificates or photo id ahead of attending this restaurant?
if not just say the kids are over 14
cant imagine they chucking you out if you’ve got a big booking 🤷‍♀️

Onlyonekenobe · 03/02/2025 16:09

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:01

I know. I’ve been pondering this view. So my mum will now be Mrs Something Different, with a new next of kin. But that’s not a big life event? Or a big change? And legally I will have a step father? When my own father has been dead for 40 years? Nothing to see here.

Show quote history

Getting married wasn't A Big Life Event even to me, let alone other people's marriages! Big life events have been the birth of my children, completing treatment for health problems, moving past a suicide attempt and academic/career achievements. Putting a ring on it doesn't even figure.

I can well imagine that if I were 81yo (my parents are in the same age bracket) it's even less of an event.

She's been with him 30 years. You don't even see her for Christmas, you live 200 miles away. Legally having a step-father is for your to wrap your head around; it doesn't take your mother arranging her marriage ceremony around your and your children's needs to do that.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 16:07

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 15:59

Of course there is! her mum is getting married FGS! If that's not a life event, then I don't know what is!

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Except: for the elderly couple it is no more a life event than making a will or claiming a spousal tax allowance. With - like a will - two witnesses be required to make the documentation legal

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 16:04

Cunningfungus · 03/02/2025 15:19

So why are they even having a post-wedding dinner then?

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I thought they were going down the pub afterwards (no under 14s)?

RedSkyDelights · 03/02/2025 16:02

Vaxtable · 03/02/2025 15:59

I would be hurt and I would be telling your mum that. I would also point out it was you and your sister that rocked up when she was ill, not her stepdaughter, and yet stepdaughter has been invited and not you

I would offer to pay for all your family to go and ask them to change the venue so the grandkids can attend

if she won’t she won’t, but you have clearly made a case. I would then be looking at what support could be offered in the future if the same thing happened

Step-sister's husband was ill.
Mother was seriously ill in hospital with pneumonia.

Did anyone really want step-sister to potentially bring her husband's germs anywhere near OP's mother?

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:02

Heidi2018 · 03/02/2025 16:00

Just forget about it then OP. you've been given a million good suggestions here on what to do and have an answer for every one of them of why you won't do them so just leave it!

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To be clear, I wasn’t asking for suggestions. I was asking if it’s unreasonable to be hurt.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 03/02/2025 16:01

YABU.
As I understand it, your Mum and her partner want a very quiet very small wedding, in fact barely a wedding at all, just a legal marriage. So all they need is 2 witnesses. They could choose a couple of local friends, but it makes more sense to choose someone who is local and related to them ie partner’s daughter, and her husband. They’re both elderly, one recovering from a recent serious illness, the other very deaf. They don’t want noise and fuss.

Meanwhile, you and your sister would add an extra 10 people, if you both brought your husbands and kids. That would totally change the dynamic. You’d need to stay over as it’s so far away. The kids would need to be catered for. The tiny legal event would turn into a party of 14.

If it was just you and your sister wanting to go, then that would be different I think. But bringing your families makes it something totally unlike what they actually want.

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 16:01

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 15:59

Of course there is! her mum is getting married FGS! If that's not a life event, then I don't know what is!

Show quote history

I know. I’ve been pondering this view. So my mum will now be Mrs Something Different, with a new next of kin. But that’s not a big life event? Or a big change? And legally I will have a step father? When my own father has been dead for 40 years? Nothing to see here.

OP posts:
Heidi2018 · 03/02/2025 16:00

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:58

No I haven’t. I’m not entirely sure why I should though? She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to spend any money on the wedding, so why should I? Plus the fact I couldn’t afford to. And they are not broke pensioners. They are choosing not to spend money for others to have a ‘nice time’. And by others, I mean their daughters and grandchildren.

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Just forget about it then OP. you've been given a million good suggestions here on what to do and have an answer for every one of them of why you won't do them so just leave it!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:59

Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 14:34

I have tried telling her that we want to be there.
When they first accepted that I wasn’t lying to them about the need to get married (which is intended primarily to protect my mum because she has no assets other than the house and if he dies before she does and she’s hit with inheritance tax she would have to sell the house to pay for it. And being married could potentially mean that nothing of her ‘part’ of the house would come to me and my sister if she dies before him. It could all go to his daughter. That’s why I say I’m expecting zero, other than the bill for her funeral. So then getting married is not because I think it benefits me) my mum was talking with me about various different venues (including a church at one point), whether the youngest two grandchildren would want to be flower girls, I was navigating the websites, I helped her order a replacement copy of her birth certificate so she could register etc etc. Then the months have gone by and the discussions have turned to ‘well you wouldn’t want to be there, we can only have two witnesses, the restaurant won’t have kids in’ and making out like her choices are in some way letting me off the hook for coming. I spoke to her yesterday and she said ‘oh we’ve set a new date in April that works for X and Y to be witnesses’ I then said ‘oh ok and what are you doing about a meal? Still going to the (blank) restaurant?’ Yes, she said. It’s a shame that they won’t let the kids in. Like it’s the only bloody place they can go and it’s an utterly immovable choice.

Just to let you know: the bill for the funeral comes from the estate. So you needn't worry about that

Latenightreader · 03/02/2025 15:59

Frangela · 03/02/2025 14:04

Certainly my register office in London in 2012 said they would no longer permit their office staff to act as witnesses. Apparently it happened a lot and office staff were getting taken away from their actual jobs a lot. And they also said they would not be able to wait for us if we were trying to get someone in off the street. Their strong advice was to bring our own witnesses with us. I have no memory of whether we gave their names in advance. I suspect not, but we did absolutely choose two currently unemployed friends available at short notice the middle of the day. Not because we preferred them to our friends and family but because they were nearby, available, and could be relied upon not to turn it into a big occasion.

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Good point, our staff wouldn't be able to be witnesses now as we just don't have cover (lower levels of staffing and more people work from home). I wouldn't be surprised if a notice had gone round at some point saying we weren't allowed.

Vaxtable · 03/02/2025 15:59

I would be hurt and I would be telling your mum that. I would also point out it was you and your sister that rocked up when she was ill, not her stepdaughter, and yet stepdaughter has been invited and not you

I would offer to pay for all your family to go and ask them to change the venue so the grandkids can attend

if she won’t she won’t, but you have clearly made a case. I would then be looking at what support could be offered in the future if the same thing happened

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 15:59

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:55

That's the thing though - there is no life event except in the OP's view and some posters such as yourself

Show quote history

Of course there is! her mum is getting married FGS! If that's not a life event, then I don't know what is!

Original poster
Candlemascandy · 03/02/2025 15:58

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/02/2025 15:33

Haven’t RTFT,

@Candlemascandy have you offered to pay for the meal and extra expenses?

No I haven’t. I’m not entirely sure why I should though? She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to spend any money on the wedding, so why should I? Plus the fact I couldn’t afford to. And they are not broke pensioners. They are choosing not to spend money for others to have a ‘nice time’. And by others, I mean their daughters and grandchildren.

OP posts:
graceinspace999 · 03/02/2025 15:55

@Candlemascandy
‘Just for context, he’s 81, totally deaf in one ear but won’t wear a hearing aid so he couldn’t hear what the doctors were telling him about her and couldn’t lip read as they were wearing masks.’

Don’t be irritated at someone with a hearing disability - there are many kinds of hearing problems and hearing aids do not work for everyone.

A hearing aid will not work with a totally deaf ear. There needs to be some hearing to amplify.

Hearing aids often increase the background sounds and causes them to mix in with voices.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:55

LazyArsedMagician · 03/02/2025 14:08

So many miserable, and quite nasty buggers on this thread @Candlemascandy, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I don't think anyone who has a "normal" relationship with their parent wouldn't be ever so slightly put out by this situation - I know I would be, and I'm generally the type that doesn't enjoy weddings much at all.

She's your mum. And you're being excluded, they say for financial reasons but are then including her partner's child. It might also be just to tie up those loose ends before the inevitable happens - but I'm sure it's sowing those seeds of "are we even going to be remembered in mum's will?".

I think the best you can do is tell her that you're hurt you're not invited, that you want to come and will cover your own costs as it's important to you that you're there.

Unlike the miseries I don't think it's wrong to be honest and open with your own mum that it is important to you.

@TopshopCropTop Because that’s not the message. The message is “our marriage is not about you please respect our wishes”

This isn't the marriage. This is a wedding a singular, one time event. This has the potential to really impact the rest of OP's mum's life, when the hurt this will cause comes back to bite her.

Either it's completely unimportant and any Joe Shmoe can be used as a witness and no celebrations afterward, or there is an element of important hence why one child of three has been included and a nice meal will happen afterwards. Why even tell anyone if it's not important?!

Seriously some of you. It's not out of order to be upset when you're excluded from a life event of your parent. No wonder so many people are feeling so isolated and lonely these days when the advice they're getting is that nothing is their business and that they don't have the right to have feelings about their own family.

That's the thing though - there is no life event except in the OP's view and some posters such as yourself

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/02/2025 15:51

Cookiesandcream1989 · 03/02/2025 14:03

From her point of view, it's a formality. You wanting to be there would be like my mum getting offended that I didn't invite her around to mine for a party last week when I submitted my tax return, or wanting to come to the Post Office with me while I sort out renewing my driving licence.

🤭

AnaMond · 03/02/2025 15:43

@Candlemascandy Your mum could have an impersonal signing of a contract as she wishes, just not with one daughter/step daughter of three invited. She has muddied the waters.

I understand your hurt. Impersonal and friends as witness would feel much fairer.

I'm going through the death of my father, arrangements involving my DB who hasn't spoken to me for 25 years and in this a comment has been made that my dad loved him more than me.
I've reflected on my devastation and how this has made me feel. Even though I am in my 50’s, inside is still that little girl, who just wants to feel loved and be treat the same as my brother. I know it is bizarre for a grown up, but nonetheless I'm so upset.

Weepixie · 03/02/2025 15:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

The op hasn’t seen her soon to be step sister for 15 years and her husband hasn’t even met her.

And the soon to be step sister didn’t go to the Op’s mums 80th birthday,

I have every sympathy for the op in this situation but it does very much sound like a fractured family, anything but blended, and I’m beginning to see how mum isn’t putting any more into getting married than she isc

LittleMG · 03/02/2025 15:43

Lots of people are excusing what they are doing but to me the sticking point is that his children are going to be there but you aren’t. YANBU the fact that they don’t give a shit how you feel is completely underlined here. They can do what they want but they’ve invited grooms kids but not the brides!

pimplebum · 03/02/2025 15:41

When you offer to pay for the meal as a wedding gift obviously you pick a nice restaurant that accepts your kids

if she doesn’t go for this you have two options

a) hate her for the rest of her life

B) get over it and accept it’s just the way they want to do it

Itiswhysofew · 03/02/2025 15:35

Not being invited or being uninvited to your parent's wedding is a blow. I understand why you're feeling upset about that. The considerate thing for them to do is to ask 2 other people to be witness, so that both their DCs are treated equally in not being invited. People will do what they want to do though.

Do you think DM is being influenced?

LuluBlakey1 · 03/02/2025 15:34

I would be upset.

I would offer to go alone and pay for myself if I just want to see my mum get married.

But if she does not want you there, you'll have to accept that. I find old people often think very differently about things. Nipping down to the registry office, two witnesses, a no fuss lunch and it all done and dusted might be all they want.